I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Don't call me Xiaolin! And I'm not trying to help you, I'm just worried about him!" She changed her usual quiet image and her voice became louder. "You must think carefully, you must not miss any possible opportunities."

Even though she knew she cared about that guy just as much as she did, she couldn't generate any strong hostility towards him. That was probably why she felt so irritated.

"Do not worry."

No matter what, until Rinquanchuan tells her that he has found him, she will keep looking...even if it means running around aimlessly.

"Then I won't waste any more time, let's split up." With that, Rinquanchuan ran out of the club activity room as fast as he could.

"If I find him... I'll definitely beat him up." Lin Quanchuan muttered to himself in a vicious tone. But before he finished speaking, his feeling was replaced by worry.

".."

No, even if Ye Hui finds me, I will still beat him up! No matter how hard I beat him, I won't feel better. This guy who made me worry and prevented me from watching such a grand event... please find a way to make it up to me.

...

Christmas Eve was about to begin. Just like this moment last year, while everyone was immersed in the festive atmosphere, this group of people, as if by fate, could not spend the night fully.

But it didn't matter anymore. For Sheji, this had lasted nearly a year, bringing him countless memories. No matter what his mood was... he had completely lost the ability to judge whether things were good or bad.

"..."

He kept thinking, but he couldn't come to a conclusion. His brain kept processing the doubts, but still couldn't get the answer - this cycle repeated itself. He had no time to pay attention to the vibration of his phone, nor did he notice the cultural exhibition about to open in the distance, and naturally he didn't notice the familiar announcement.

His thoughts went back to the past.

As he unconsciously walked from home to school, as he unconsciously climbed the stairs of the teaching building, as he leaned on the railing of the rooftop and looked into the distance, scenes from the past he and she had experienced kept resurfacing.

He watched quietly, as if watching a fragment of the past, but still could not change anything.

Time seemed to have returned to that day again.

"..."

"Come out and play!" "Let's look at the clouds together!" "I hope..." "I think it should be..." "You draw so well..." "That's..." "Did you find it?" "That's it..." "..."

"..."

...

..

.

My thoughts at this moment

From a young age, everyone harbors a dream. When we're still struggling to understand the world, we often blur the lines between reality and fantasy. We yearn to become the hero of a novel, to possess some power that frees us from the constraints of reality, or simply to change the things we see.

She constantly gazed up at the sky and sighed, because in her eyes, there was so much to envy. Every living thing seemed freer than she. Even a tree, completely immobile, could still grow according to its own will. It would grow when it was time to leaf, and wither when it was time to wither. This, in her eyes, was true freedom.

But she felt she didn't have that right. No matter how hard she studied and improved her grades, her father, her guardian, wouldn't be happy at all—what he cared about wasn't how good she could become, but whether she could be a medium to make her mother, who was nowhere to be found, feel the heartache.

Domestic violence and verbal abuse have become commonplace, but she has no power to resist. She has been looking for someone who can help her escape this predicament.

And she did find that person.

The man who was alienated by others due to suspicion of cheating and what others called his bad temper, in her eyes, was a very free man - able to do what he wanted without worrying about any consequences. She envied him deeply.

What made her feel even more incredible was that he was not a problem boy in the eyes of others. He was just a gentle boy who was not understood by others, with a simple desire to protect something.

Can I become someone he cares about and be protected by him?

With such expectations in mind, perhaps by some miracle, or perhaps by fate, she and he met. It wasn't a situation where neither of them knew about it, but rather she took the initiative.

But no matter what the cause was, it no longer mattered, because she had become someone the boy could never forget.

Chapter 13: My Feelings at This Moment

I kept sighing, but it was impossible to relieve the boredom in my heart.

The temperature began to drop. But that was only in the physical sense. The moment the cultural exhibition and gala officially began, the excitement of the entire student body was instantly ignited, and now was the moment when that fire was at its strongest. The cheers and applause from the crowd, reflected off the buildings, reverberated throughout the campus, attracting residents and students from other schools to join in the fun. However, for the students' safety, those from other schools were generally not allowed to enter. In other words, this was a grand spectacle that only students of this school could enjoy.

However, Yi Sheji did not participate in the first year. The same was true this year. No matter how happy and prosperous others were, he had no intention of paying attention.

"I found you! I knew you were hiding here!"

After careful consideration, Rinquanchuan decided to take a gamble. Back then, she had fled to the rooftop to escape, and it was that guy who came to find her. And now, the similarity of the events gave her a clue.

"..."

However, in the face of Rinquanchuan's shouting, he seemed to have not heard it at all. He did not even turn around, but just leaned on the railing and looked at the building in the distance that had merged with the darkness, like a finely carved statue.

"Hey, don't pretend you didn't hear me! You said you'd be back soon, but you're hiding here... You know how worrying this is? Ye Hui and I are worried that something's happened to you." At this point, she suddenly remembered to send Ye Hui a message saying she had found him. "I don't know how many places that girl has run to for you... When you come back, I wonder how you're going to face her..."

“..” But he still didn’t respond.

"I'm telling you..." Rinquanchuan was completely enraged by his attitude and walked straight up to him and hit him hard on the head. But he still didn't react.

"Hey, are you okay?" Seeing this, Rinquanchuan, who was a little panicked, hurriedly looked at his face. After finding that he was still breathing and blinking, he slowly felt relieved. "..Don't scare me...Can you hear me?"

"..Yes." As if it took a lot of effort, he finally reacted to the situation around him, "No."

"Huh? Are you kidding me?"

"..My mind is in a mess, so I can't think about it at all, and I can't process what I heard." He didn't turn his head to look at Lin Quanchuan, and his voice sounded a little hoarse, as if he hadn't spoken for a long time.

"Oh, what's wrong with you? This reaction is completely different from your previous one..." At this time, Lin Quanchuan's heart was full of doubts. Facing this guy who usually joked with her, but was so indifferent today, she naturally felt uncomfortable.

"..I just can't figure out some things."

"Did something happen? If so, you can tell me. Keeping it to yourself won't change anything. Why isolate yourself like this?"

Looking at his current state, she felt as if she were seeing her past self. Her former self's refusal to communicate with others actually made those around her feel so uncomfortable.

"...because there's no way to change it, that's why it's like this. No matter what I do, it can't be undone. I can only alleviate it by forgetting. But I've had enough...I can't convince myself to forget, I can only face it."

"What on earth is going on?" This explanation, which couldn't even be called an answer, made Linquanchuan even more confused. "You're so vague..."

"..I killed a man."

"Eh?" When Rinquanchuan heard this, it was as if he was hit on the back of the head by a blunt object. "..You, what did you say?"

"I said...what I did before was like killing someone with my own hands. I regret it, I'm sad, I'm depressed, and I can't let it go."

"..This...means that you didn't kill anyone with your own hands, right?" She asked the guy with a trembling voice.

"..So what if it wasn't my fault? For me, I was the one who caused that outcome, and there's no way to change that."

Although his tone was firm, she felt relieved. She knew that Sheji wasn't a dangerous person who would take anyone's life, and when she realized that he was exaggerating his actions because of his inner conflicts, her worries were slightly relieved.

"..Can you tell me what's going on? Maybe if you tell me, I'll feel better."

"...feeling better?" he asked. He finally turned around and looked at Rinquanchuan, who he was talking to. "I can't be feeling good... it's impossible. Telling others about it will only cause me more trouble, but it won't help others share any of their pain."

"..But, if you don't say anything...what are you going to do?"

"..."

What should I do?

This was a profoundly difficult question for Sheji. How to make amends for what he had done was as complex and impossible as turning back time. Naturally, he felt a surge of despair, only able to endure the relentless pain within him, silently bearing it. The pain constantly eroded his tolerance, threatening to breach the limits of his sanity.

"...Maybe there's only one thing that can solve it... But I definitely won't do it unless it's absolutely necessary." He muttered to himself, "Do you want to know? What happened to me? Why do you want to find out? I shouldn't know you're worried. Why is it that someone like me, who can't get angry even when being belittled, can attract your attention?"

A sudden cold wind swept through them, surrounding them. It also seemed to blow away Rinquanchuan's thoughts about the man in front of him named Isaji.

"...because I care about you a lot. As long as it's about you, no matter what it is, I care very, very much...I don't want you to care about other girls, and I don't want you to put your feelings on anyone other than me. That's how I feel about you."

"..You mean...you like me?"

In fact, he had vaguely felt it before, but when he really confirmed it, he couldn't help but feel touched.

"Yeah. Not in the usual way... but the way I want to be with you. Although I know it's strange for me to feel this way, but... isn't it all your fault for taking the initiative to contact me? If you didn't care about me at the beginning, if you just treated me as an annoying guy and ignored me..."

"it's out of the question."

He replied quietly.

"..."

"If I don't pay attention to you... you'll always get used to being alone. It won't do you any good, and your personality won't allow me to ignore you... Maybe in some ways, I'm infatuated with your old self, so I took the initiative to get close to you."

She naturally didn't know how to respond to this sudden confession, or words of farewell.

"But my original intention was not to be with you. I just feel that being able to talk to you, to have a conversation with you when I'm bored, and that you don't hate me too much and we can get along normally... that's enough." He placed his hand on his chest. "I'm very confused right now. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to use the relationship we built before to make you like me... that kind of thing is not allowed. It will only bring misfortune..."

"I don't care about these things!"

"..."

"If you're feeling sad or lost for any reason... then just try to speak up. I'll help you, just like you once helped me. Even if I can't be perfect, I'll still do my best to ease the situation... It doesn't matter whether I like you or not. As someone close to you, I just want to help you share your burden."

Facing her serious gaze, Sheji's heart wavered slightly.

Ma'am

The sky in early summer is always clear and azure. The sun isn't as glaring or scorching, and the wind is a bit cooler. If you don't mind the dust and the crawling and biting insects, you can easily while away the hours in such weather by lying on the grass and taking a peaceful nap. Time then drifts by like the occasional cloud beneath the azure sky, moving ever so slowly.

Children in childhood haven't yet grasped the truth that "time is money." As long as you can make yourself happy, as long as you feel joyful and delighted, then just do it. No worries, no major troubles. Just being under the same sky and able to converse freely is enough. How long can we truly feel happy?

"You said... does the sky have an end?"

Her mind was always full of questions. Not only was there no one to answer them, but more importantly, her questions were often difficult to explain. Even if she found a point, another would pop up, often difficult to answer. So, despite her excellent grades, her teacher avoided questioning her in class to avoid any trouble. And after class, they wouldn't address her inner confusions, because questions completely outside the textbook didn't warrant an answer.

"I think... there should be."

Being the same age as her, he didn't refuse to think. He was at the same age as her, full of curiosity about the world, and with an inexplicable melancholy buried in his heart.

"Why do you feel that way?"

"Because I feel like the color of the sky is similar to the beach I visited before...and they say on TV that the seabed is very deep, but it still has a bottom. So I guess the sky must have a height too." He paused briefly. "Also, my new copy of '100,000 Whys' says that the end of the sky is the universe."

"Oh, what is the universe?" She obviously had no idea. "Is it a place?"

"...it's just a vast, vast space...the sun and the moon are actually in the universe. We are also on Earth in the universe."

"Is that so?" She didn't actually understand, but it didn't matter. It didn't stop her from asking other questions. "Do you think God has eyes?"

"..I think so."

Although he hadn't found any answer to this question in books, "Why else would it rain? It must be because it sees that the creatures on the ground need rain, so it rains."

"Is that so... then the sky can cry too?"

"When it rains heavily, I think I'm crying."

Many things can be explained by experience. Even if they don't conform to scientific explanations, children of that age feel like they have discovered some truth.

"...But what's the point of crying?" She sighed, as if feeling something emotional. "If I just shed tears, I won't accomplish anything."

"But you will definitely cry when you are sad."

"That's not necessarily true." She wanted to say something, but suddenly stopped the topic. "But Sheji, don't you rarely cry?"

"...Because men can't cry. But you're a girl, so if you cry, someone will come to protect you."

"...If I cry, someone will come to protect me..." She repeated this sentence unconsciously, and then fell into depression again, "That's a lie. If no one is willing to protect me, then what's the point of crying..."

Even though she kept hoping for a miracle to happen, no one could help her.

"Don't you have mine?"

Without any fear or joking, he spoke his thoughts from the heart.

"..." In a sense, this was what she had been expecting to hear from him. "Um...what do you mean?"

"What I hate most is people who take advantage of their strength to bully the weak. So I can't stand seeing anyone being bullied, no matter who they are. So as long as you need me, I will definitely do my best to protect you."

Just like the hero he always admired, even though he was not strong, he still wanted to do his best to protect the people he cared about.

Faced with his childish promise, she couldn't help but laugh.

She hoped that she could be protected by him. In her opinion, there seemed to be no one else in the world who could provide her with shelter.

"Great...I've been waiting for that day since now."