I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

I can't help but care. That was someone I had a close relationship with, someone I loved and still love. Everything that happened to her, the time we spent together... I want to recall it, no matter how my mood changes.

An old notebook lies quietly in the compartment of a closet. It contains a past I can no longer recall. If I open it, I'll surely uncover the truth of the past.

For some reason, when my hands approached the notebook, which looked well-preserved and not too worn, they began to tremble slightly.

Was I afraid? Or was I excited? I didn't quite understand why my body was reacting this way. But I still clasped it tightly in my hands and held it up to my eyes.

As long as I open the book and read it, the truth of everything will be revealed...and I can fill the void in my heart.

"Let everything end..." I sighed softly, holding the notebook in my left hand and preparing to open it with my right hand. But at this moment, a hand tightly grasped my wrist.

"If we really open it... then everything will be truly over."

Shocked, I looked in the direction of the hand and the sound. I remembered I'd locked the door, so no one should be coming.

"..Who are you.."

Chapter 12: Where Does the Pain Come From?

"Hey, I'm saying... you don't play games?" Looking at Ye Hui sitting on the sofa just reading a book, Lin Quanchuan finally couldn't help asking, "I usually only see you drawing and stuff, you don't look like you like games."

"I haven't played it before, and I prefer watching others play it rather than playing it myself." Ye Hui replied, his eyes turning to the game that Lin Quanchuan was playing at the moment. "You and Sheji should both like this, right?"

"..Well, yes. Do you have any problem with this?" Rinquanchuan thought about it carefully and responded truthfully.

"No problem, I just feel..."

"What do you think?" Lin Quanchuan couldn't help but stop what he was doing and paid attention to her words.

"I envy you two for having a common language."

"Huh?" Rinquanchuan was actually at a loss after hearing this response. "I, I, I... why should I have a topic in common with that guy? Who does he think he is? Humph... I don't want to care about such things."

"But do you feel anything?" Ye Hui didn't care about Lin Quanchuan's arrogant attitude at all. She knew that Lin Quanchuan, like her, had a special feeling for the country.

"Feeling? What feeling... Why are you talking so strangely?" Out of habit of hiding her shyness, her tone of voice became aggressive.

"He is getting further and further away from us. From a certain period of time, I began to realize that... he really has things that he cares about more." But Ye Hui seemed to be talking to himself and did not pay any attention to Lin Quanchuan's question.

"Huh? What are you talking about..."

"Don't you want to keep him? If you don't do something, he will definitely get further and further away from us." Ye Hui gradually opened the book in his hand. "I don't know whether I should tell you these words... so I thought about it for a long time. Ever since I noticed his worries, I have been thinking about it..."

"Did something happen to that guy?" After saying this, Lin Quanchuan finally realized that Sheji had been a little different before. "Come to think of it, he had been a little different for a while..."

"That's not your illusion... but I don't understand what exactly happened." Ye Hui didn't know how to deal with this matter at this moment. "From his own account, I can confirm that his past must have been turbulent... and he wasn't happy. In order to seem more normal, he actually doesn't remember any important things before junior high school."

"...Is there such a thing?" Even Rinquanchuan, who had read many books, couldn't believe that such a thing could happen in real life. "It's just like a plot from a novel..."

"But no matter what... he's been trying so hard to recall those forgotten memories lately. I'm worried that this will darken his personality... and lead him to do something terrible."

From Yi Sheji's perspective, Ye Hui's guess was almost correct. He was recalling a past event that had caused him immense pain, and his body had made numerous attempts to protect him, yet he still couldn't let go of the memories. Now he was only one step away from recalling those past events.

"..What do you mean by 'something incredible'?"

Cold sweat seemed to break out on her back. Lin Quanchuan didn't doubt that Ye Hui was deceiving her or joking. As someone who cared about him as much as she did, there was no need to deceive each other like this.

"I don't know...but the worst-case scenario is that we'll probably never see him again."

"I'll never see you..."

.....

Somehow, the thread of fate entwined itself tightly around the first two people Shaji met. One taught him how to treat others with kindness again, while the other reminded him of the value of helping others. If he hadn't met them, he might not have picked up what he had previously abandoned.

After abandoning his past, the young man named Yi Sheji was no longer the normal person he remembered. He was no longer a human being, a person who had lost certain qualifications. He was like a walking corpse, living in the world for the time being, advocating for giving up.

However, the moment I met them, the mood that had been convincing me to let go of something actually changed quietly. Even though the old mentality still remained, I had already begun to learn to find back the things I had thrown away before.

It turns out he can still be gentle, that there are still people in the world worth helping, that time, despite its cruelty, still has people who walk alongside him. Even if those people are cold and realistic, there are still gentle and thoughtful people around him. This guy who gave up on living as a human being is gradually realizing that being a human being is truly a blessing.

He no longer wanted to give up what he had. He didn't want to live as an indifferent person, as someone who had left behind so much and felt relaxed. Even with a heavy heart, even with sadness and guilt over many things, he could still find some happiness in the people around him.

Perhaps he had been wrong before. Perhaps faced with a wrong path, he should have turned back—but now he was at the end of the road, about to take the final step.

"If you open it... everything is over."

Standing before me was another me. Unlike me, who was filled with confusion, he had tears in his eyes, streaming down his cheeks.

He... me? Why was he so sad? Faced with this other self suddenly appearing before me, I wasn't surprised, just curious.

"End means...what do you mean?"

Curiosity, ever-expanding curiosity. Which self is standing before me? Those two periods should have disappeared... and their personalities wouldn't be the same.

"All kinds of things. Everything."

He continued to respond briefly. That look in his eyes seemed to understand everything, and that cowardly, incompetent expression… it felt so familiar. It was like myself, now reunited with all my emotions, now able to understand so many things.

"You're the one hiding the truth, aren't you?" I looked at my chest. "The reason I feel empty is because of you, right? You must know something, and you're just running away."

Is escaping really useful? It only adds to our troubles. Why not face it fully?

"..I am indeed avoiding it because I don't want to face that matter. Believe me, you don't want to know the truth either." His voice was trembling, but he was completely unwilling to let go of his hand.

"..You've pursued the truth before, right?"

"Yes. That's why I want to stop you... because this is your last struggle. If you really know... there's no way to forget it, and there's no way to escape it." His face kept getting closer to me. "Trust me, don't try to find out."

"..Will something bad happen?" I asked curiously.

"I have no idea.."

"Since you don't know..." why do you still want to stop me?

"But you will be in great pain...even so much pain that you won't shed tears like me." His tears continued to flow. "Don't delve into it anymore. Forget that person."

"..even if there's still a hole in your heart?"

This feeling is really uncomfortable, as if I am constantly tormenting myself... Sometimes I feel very depressed, sometimes very empty, and I feel lost. I always look for things to dilute this feeling.

This is so troublesome..I don’t want to go on like this anymore.

"There will always be someone to fill that void." His hands trembled slightly. "Haven't you already found it? There are many people... many people who can, and they all truly love you. So don't let them down... don't move on."

"a lot of.."

Faced with his heartfelt request, I hesitated.

"Do we really like them? What do we like about them? Wouldn't that make us feel less empty? And who should we choose specifically? If possible, please tell me."

"...I don't know." He slowly lowered his head. "I'm a guy who often lets people down. I don't think I'm worthy of any of them."

"...Then why bother trying to persuade me?" I tried to break free from his grip, but he continued to pull harder and harder.

"If we're not good enough, we can't be together? I think we can try our best to improve ourselves... and then make ourselves good enough for each other."

"..that's not what I'm thinking about."

".."

"And before you knew the truth, you were constantly searching for it, right? So that won't change... We still have to face this matter eventually."

I put down the notebook in my hand for the moment and placed my left hand on his hand that was tightly holding my right arm.

"What are you afraid of? Why are you crying?"

".."

He said nothing.

"Are you worried about disappointing someone?"

“..not entirely.”

"Are you reluctant to leave someone?"

“..not entirely.”

"I understand." I am a gentle person. I don't want to hurt the people around me by doing things. Everything is done from the perspective of others, and I never consider my own feelings. "I won't do that kind of thing."

"it's out of the question.."

Warm tears dripped down the back of my hand. I didn't know when I'd regained my cowardice, finally finding a reason to cry again. Even if I didn't know why yet... But, looking at myself, having not cried like this in nearly a year, it was like stepping back into those days.

"It's not that time yet...so I don't think we can make any conclusions."

"No, this is my innate nature. No one can change it, so I'm bound to hurt others and disappoint others' expectations... This is something I can't overcome."

"Nothing is destined. If there is one, it's facing things you don't want to face."

"...Why..." His voice gradually deepened, "Why do you have to be so stubborn? This does no good to us or others, and it only adds to the burden... Why don't you understand? Why won't you listen to me?"

"Because I want to know. The past is not worthless to me... I can feel that I care about that past very much. So no matter how many times I fight with my inner self, I will continue to recall that incident... recall the things about her."

I don't want to escape anymore.

"There's no chance to regret anymore." He sighed deeply as if he had given up something.

"I don't want to regret anything anymore. No matter what happened in the past, I feel I can find a way to deal with it."

"..Can I trust you?"

He raised his head, his tears no longer flowing, but he still looked at me with doubtful eyes.

"If you don't even trust yourself...who else can you trust?"

"...My past self probably thought the same thing, which is why he stopped trying to stop me." He suddenly began to mutter to himself, "But I still urged myself to escape... because those things are irreversible. The contrast with my previous expectations is completely unacceptable."

".."

I didn't know how to respond. My hesitation, my regret and my avoidance seemed to be disappearing at this moment, but my mood remained unchanged.

"..My heart, or destiny....has it finally chosen me to stop running away and face it head-on?"

A smile appeared on his lips, but it was accompanied by two lines of tears, which only added to the desolate feeling.

"...Forget it, it seems I can never escape. So I'll stop trying to stop it... Is my heart really still longing for it?" He slowly loosened his hand and met my gaze again. "If that's the case, then let's face it together."

..

The dust from moving things around still swirled around. Once stirred up, those tiny particles took a long time to gradually return to silence, just like a certain period of life. Even if you want it to remain silent forever, once someone picks it up, it will continue to fly and collide in the narrow chambers of your heart. There is no way to ignore it, and no way to control its fluttering.

“..Why is this happening…”

By the time I realized it, tears were already welling up in my eyes. The notebook in my hand, opened at some unknown time, was already wet with tears. No matter how hard I tried to escape, I ended up back here.

The wrong path has come to an end.

But at the end, the person I want is not there... Everything, no matter my own efforts or my own persistence... all of them are useless and just a waste of effort.

I didn't need to bump into something to turn back. The road I had been walking on with such hope was completely empty... blocking my right path, and the emptiness in my heart wasn't filled.

“Ah…Ah…”

That emptiness seemed to be gathering, squeezing my heart. It hurt so much. Realizing what I had truly lost, I finally understood the real reason I hadn't dared to face it.

"Wow——"

My hands no longer had the strength to hold anything tight, and the notebook fell to the ground, kicking up a cloud of dust.

"thump--"

Without realizing it, his legs had lost the strength to support him. He placed his hands on his chest and kept squeezing them, but the pain from his heart still existed and became more and more intense.

This is so bad.. How can I face this?

. . .

The phone call wasn't going through, and the texts went unanswered. No matter how hard Ye Hui tried, he couldn't reach Sheji, who had said he had to leave home that afternoon. It was already 8:30 pm, and the Christmas Eve party was about to begin. This project, the result of nearly everyone's hard work, was the highlight of the entire cultural exhibition, and the moment when the atmosphere reached its climax.

He had disappeared at this time last year as well...but this time was fundamentally different from last year. Ye Hui was well aware of this.

"He's not at home. The people I sent have already reported back." Lin Quanchuan also pushed the door open at this time, with an anxious look on his face. She could remember that this was the first time she had ever worried about someone.

"He might be in the city... or he might have returned to school, but he's unwilling to show up in front of us... Which possibility do you think is more likely?" Lin Quanchuan, clueless, couldn't help but ask Ye Hui, "What should we do? Will something happen again like last time..."

"No, he and I agreed... to live like before." Ye Hui actually thought about it that way, but she quickly convinced herself, "Should we split up and look for him? You stay at school... and I'll go out and look for him."

"Isn't this okay? It's already night... It's dangerous for you to run around outside alone, and the city is so big... How long will it take you to find it?" Lin Quanchuan naturally raised an objection.

"..But, if we don't do this...what if something really happens."

"Ah, I get it! You've been out together more often than I have, right?! You know he's likely to go to more places than I do, so of course you should go find him. Okay, go ahead and look for him!" Lin Quanchuan said in a very impatient yet steady tone, "Go to the school gate now, and I'll have my driver drive you to every place you can think of... so I can rest assured."

"..Rin-chan..."

Ye Hui was deeply moved, but he couldn't think of any words to express his feelings at the moment.