Real teaching, but diary flow

'go home'

...Going home?

If at the very beginning, if he had just come into this world, if he had been in those days of confusion and aimlessness, he would probably have wanted to go home, he would have had to go home, he would have been compelled to go home.

But......

I have a girl I like.

The girl I like needs me.

She can't live without me.

Natsuki Subaru pursed his lips slightly, turned his head, and looked once again at Emilia, who was standing beside him with a pained expression.

"...Amelia."

He called out her name softly, wanting to reach out and touch her, but hesitated and withdrew his hand.

Let's continue and accept the torture.

If you don't finish reading his words, if you don't end your conversation with him...

Natsuki Subaru thought that he had no way to go any further.

Although time seems very tight, if we don't move forward quickly, the devastating fate of the giant rabbit may strike again.

but.

He has to face it.

If all else fails, we can just start over.

Taking a deep breath, Natsuki Subaru raised his hand again and turned the page.

Yes, yes, I bet you're going to bring up your Emilia again.

The first words that followed were words that seemed to see right through one's heart.

[Brother, you're such a simp.]

Ask yourself honestly, are you really that important to her?

Okay, yes, she can't live without you, she's a complete waste without you.

What a coincidence, a sycophant meets a loser.

I'm so angry I could scream. You two are a match made in heaven.

I'm completely convinced.

Don't breathe a sigh of relief; there's nothing to be relieved about.

Do you think you've found a reason?

I don't think that would be a valid reason at all.

So what if she can't live without you? So what if she needs you to function?

Can't you take your daughter-in-law back to meet your parents?

Do they have any filial piety?

You wouldn't be so self-degrading as to think the other person would never want to go back to meet your parents, would you?

You can't be so inexperienced as to think that a relationship between a man and a woman can reach the point of spending the rest of their lives together without their parents' knowledge or involvement, right?

Do you really think of yourself as an orphan without parents?

Seriously, I'm so tired of typing question marks.

There's really no need for me to ask so many questions. You should know it yourself, you should understand it yourself.

This isn't even a question of compulsory education anymore. If you refuse to go to school, if you drop out halfway through, if you don't graduate from high school, then you're completely illiterate.

Shouldn't we have this level of understanding?

I'll take another step back, I'll take another step back.

Although I don't know how many steps I've taken back today, I don't know if I've retreated to the size of an entire Pacific Ocean.

But I'll still give you another step back here.

Because you might not end up getting married, I'm generously giving you another chance.

An ugly daughter-in-law may not see her parents, but you, the child, must always come home.

It's not like I'm telling you to just leave your wife there and ignore her.

But you can't not even set a goal, can you?

If a one-way ticket isn't enough, then figure out a round-trip commuter ticket. There's always a solution to every problem; it's either solving Emilia's problem or solving the problem of global travel.

You have to solve one of them!

What's wrong with your brain? Didn't you travel through time yourself? Why do you think it's impossible when you want to, need to, and have to go back?

That's what I hate most about you.

Reflect on your actions! Reflect on your actions before your godfather!

Take a step back, then another step back, and then take another step back.

The final step is a very simple, very ordinary requirement that doesn't even require doing anything, just a change in attitude.

...His requirements were really low.

If you can't even have expectations, then don't talk about loving your parents.

Even though he was reluctant to admit it, Natsuki Subaru was still able to clearly recognize this at that moment.

This is something he has to face, something he has to admit.

My initial idea was indeed somewhat ill-considered... no, not just somewhat, but very problematic.

There are many excuses I could come up with, and quite a few I could find.

It is the witch influencing me, it is Echidna seducing me, it is the countless deaths and returns that have brought me a sense of despair that I may never be able to escape Satella for the rest of my life, it is my mind that has unknowingly become alienated into the appearance of another world.

can.

But when the excuses were actually on the tip of their tongues, they were all swallowed back.

Because these are just excuses.

What is the real reason?

Subaru Natsuki knew this.

'self-abasement'.

Deep down, he was that insecure child.

In the past, on Earth, people always called him 'Natsuki Kenichi's child.' Now that 'Natsuki Subaru's' existence has disappeared, he can only rely on meaningless clown behavior to gain attention from others.

He is a useless person.

But in another world.

As the other person admitted in the diary, he was needed, I was needed, Emilia needed me, Emilia couldn't live without me.

The thoughts that lingered deep within him, even those that had surfaced back in the capital, still remained in his heart.

Unlike Earth, this place has a home for me.

So, so, so...

Rather than letting my parents always look at me as useless, rather than letting them focus all their attention on me as useless, rather than letting them pour their time, energy and love into me.

It would be better to let them simply give up on me.

As long as I stop thinking about going back, they'll probably give up on me over time.

This was a thought and attitude he also expressed during Echidna's trial.

They reconciled, they cried, they hugged, and they turned to move forward.

However, the deep-rooted influence still lingers in my heart.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

Just like when he was crying and apologizing in his father's arms during a trial, Natsuki Subaru held the pages of the diary and kept repeating his apology.

But this time, he didn't cry.

He shouldn't have cried.

He should apologize, he should reflect on his actions, and he should blame himself.

Then, in the midst of an endless cycle of self-deprecation and self-loathing.

...to stand up again.

Natsuki Subaru hates himself.

Therefore, in a sense, it is correct that he expects to be insulted and wants to be insulted, as stated in the diary.

Because blaming yourself is meaningless, and insulting yourself will not alleviate the emotions in your chest in the slightest.

But others are different, especially those who seem to know so much about their own diaries.

The insults from the other party only made it easier to plunge the knife into his chest.

Stop fucking repeating a grade. I get annoyed by it too. Even if you keep saying sorry to me, I won't feel any better.

I feel like I'm your dad.

If it weren't for your dad, nobody would care about your parents, right? They can put up missing person notices however they want, and wait for their own kid to come home however they want. What's it to me?

After careful consideration, I realized I had finished cursing and insulting him, and said everything I needed to say.

Have you truly reflected on your actions? Is your reflection genuine? Can you make even the slightest change in your heart?

It has nothing to do with me anymore.

So that's enough for now. I've had my fun.

Do whatever you want.

After all, you'll have a lot of hardship and suffering to endure in the future.

Seeing that the text was about to end and the other party's willingness to continue the conversation was waning, Natsuki Subaru suddenly snapped to attention and stopped repeating his apologies.

With unwavering decisiveness and utter intuition, instinct drove his body to lunge at the diary in a tiger-like charge...

kneel.

"Father, Father, Father, Godfather, I understand, I know, I'm reflecting on my actions, I need to reflect on them. Your scolding was right, your reprimands were correct!"

He suddenly knelt down on the ground and said this in one breath.

The reason is not only because the harsh reprimands are filled with a clear sense of disappointment and frustration that only someone who truly cares about your well-being can emanate and feel.

More than anything, he suddenly gleaned a special meaning from that last sentence.

No, I'm already suffering enough. You're already facing enough hardship. Every step I've taken so far has been a struggle.

Dad, don't go! You know this, don't you? You should know, right? I always felt that you had some idea about the future.

Please tell me quickly!!!

Subaru Natsuki's mindset changed at lightning speed.

—He wants to curry favor with someone powerful.

Just as the other party said from the very beginning.

He is stronger than Satella.

Since that's the case, since that's the case...

Even a little help to my son would be alright, wouldn't it?

"Please offer some guidance to your godson!!"

Subaru Natsuki's powerful voice resounded throughout the entire stone chamber.

【...】