I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"..." It seems she's truly integrated here, and there's no need for me to worry about her anymore. If I had to describe my current mood, it'd probably be towards joy. Essentially, it's similar to discovering the brilliance of humanity amidst indifference, except I'm helping others find the meaning of a happy life.

While the difference between living and surviving isn't huge, there are still differences. Simply surviving, rather than living, is actually quite terrible. However, at this point, I can't say which attitude toward life is better.

"It's a good idea, keep it up."

Rin Hanekawa's brief speech only interrupted my attention for a moment, and then she disappeared from my sight with the crowd. I didn't take it too seriously—it was probably still years before she lost her happiness, or perhaps even that. So, for now, I didn't have to think about interacting with her. And she didn't continue to pester me about what she had planned.

Thinking about it this way, maybe she had only come to me to vent her inner anxiety. Now that this anxiety has been resolved, I think she can face it with peace of mind.

Anyway, it was a big honor for her to let me come and watch. Although I didn't think she was very busy as the president, she must have been busy when I wasn't around.

"...are the lines in the middle of the film inspired by Shakespeare's Henry II? I feel the tone and lines are quite similar."

As expected of Rinsenkawa, she's quite sensitive to literary matters. Even though she tried to hide it, she still noticed it. I do watch a lot of performance videos when I'm looking for dramas and plays.

“Well, there is indeed some reference.”

It is impossible for people to make progress in a vacuum. The higher the reference point, the higher the heights that can be achieved.

"Ah, but you didn't quite nail the casting—well, this scene is also quite difficult to perform in the original book, so we can't expect too much from a student of this level. Although his performance felt a bit awkward to me, it should feel completely different in the script."

"It's also my fault for not considering the actual situation." Maybe it was just a spur of the moment decision and I didn't think about it that much.

"At first I thought you would perform it yourself."

While I was talking to Lin Quanchuan, Ye Hui came to my side without me noticing.

"Oh? I suppose being able to write a script doesn't guarantee being able to act it out. He should be able to imagine the normal performance scenes in his head, but performing them himself would be another matter."

"No, no, no, actually Sheji's performance was very good. But he gave up because he didn't like doing things that would attract too much attention." Then Senior Sun appeared at an inopportune time.

"Is there such a thing?"

"If you don't believe me, we recorded the scene when she and he demonstrated it..." "Okay, you can almost shut up."

Seeing this, I quickly stopped him from talking. Talking about this was already the most I could bear, and if I had to show them what happened back then... wait.

"When did you record it?" I suddenly realized the horrible fact.

"I didn't record it, it was recorded by your fan girls." "Where did my fan girls come from?" I have no idea.

"You're quite popular in the club, right? After all, you have the aura of a senior, and the way you mentor others is just like Senior Su back then. Of course, the girls who just joined the club will be attracted to someone like you."

"..I think it's better to choose actors who rely on their looks."

"So, where can I see the video?" "As the head of another club, I'm also curious about how Sheji is performing in your club."

What's wrong with these two people...Don't they care about my feelings at all?

"If you want to watch it, I can send the videotape to the club activity room later. You should have a big screen there, right?" He confirmed with a smile.

You're a fucking demon, aren't you? Faced with Senior Sun Hao calmly proposing my public execution, I practically wanted to run and hide somewhere where no one could find me. But what I wanted most was to activate Killer Queen's "Loser Eats Dust" and turn back time. I understand that's possible, so of course, what I could do was...

"I suddenly remembered something urgent, so I'm leaving now."

Without giving them time to react, I ran straight through the crowd.

Anything I don't know doesn't exist, and since it doesn't exist, there's no reason to feel shy or embarrassed. I'm incredibly clever to have thought of that.

...

Maybe I have been deceiving myself all along.

After deciding what to do, I still sit here doing nothing. I just calm down my breath from running and check my phone. My free time is wasted by these subtle movements that go unnoticed.

"..mail."

Ordinary emails don't make me stop thinking about it. The reason for this, of course, is that something I thought Ye Jin had just casually said actually came to me via email. Having regained hope after having lost hope, I felt quite mixed emotions.

Then I looked at the content of the email. There was no setup, but it was pretty straightforward.

"I think you've been thinking about someone in your heart. Yet, you don't want to remember anything about that person. I know this statement is contradictory, but through my observation and investigation, this is the truth. The emptiness in your heart is because of that person. I've never met her or him, so I can assume it happened a long time ago."

"...long time ago? Kindergarten? Elementary school?" However, no matter how hard I searched my memories, I couldn't find any information about the person mentioned in the email. And I didn't treat Ye Jin's email as a prank. Even though there was no evidence to prove her claims were correct, I still believed them. I had received corroboration from Senior Bai Qiong, and I had also investigated that person before.

But now I have forgotten everything.

"As far as I can remember, your personality has changed several times. And according to your parents, you were hospitalized due to an accident back in elementary school. Do you remember? I assume you don't remember it. If you really can't recall it, then it means it's also related to that person."

I truly have no recollection of it. All I have are memories of resting at home, but I have no idea what I did during that time. Logically, my memory should be completely unimpeded. Those factors that once held me back... should no longer exist.

"You've been unable to forget that person, which means they're very important to you. So I think it's safe to assume it was a girl. You and she must have had a deep connection, but for some reason, you separated. You want to find her, but you have no clues. But I do know one thing: you wrote about her in one of your old notebooks, but I can't remember which one it was. If you look for it, it might be helpful."

"Notes from the past..."

Wait, this scene does seem to have happened before... Looking through my diary... Yes, I vaguely remember it. At that time, I checked with many people to find out who it was...

. . . .

"Oh, you did ask for leave to go to a certain elementary school. I was very impressed because I thought you had awakened to something extraordinary... What's the problem?"

Nan Ge's desk is now piled with snacks that she scavenged from somewhere, and she eats them in front of me without any scruples and kills time by reading novels that are suspected to have been confiscated.

"Did I say who I was going to see?"

"No, you just said you were going out, and you seemed very confident. What's the matter? Did you lose your memory?" She looked at me with a puzzled look. "If you are playing a prank, then I will flick your forehead ten times."

"No, no, no, that's not true... Although I do seem to have lost some of my memory. But I didn't mean to tease you at all."

"..Is your poor academic performance due to intermittent amnesia?"

"Don't make fun of me at this time."

Now I wish I could transform myself into a machine, plug the storage device into a computer, and examine my memories of that time with my own eyes. There are so many things we unconsciously overlook. If I could have transformed memories into something unimportant and quickly forgotten them, then I'd be truly remarkable.

"I'm not mocking you. I just think what happened to you is a little unbelievable. If you add a little fantasy, it will be a wonderful adventure of the country."

"..Ah, okay." It seemed like he couldn't get any more clues from her. "I'm leaving now. Have fun today."

"I'm not happy at all. At my age, I can't be having fun with those kids. And sitting in the office like this makes me feel like I've entered old age prematurely. Really... It's true that young people are full of energy, but the principal has been too biased towards the students these past few days."

I don't know why she was sulking, but even if she cared about this kind of thing, no one would understand it unless they were her age.

"..Well, teacher, I'm leaving first."

"I'm so sorry I couldn't help." "Of course not, this is my own problem."

No matter how you put it, this is too polite.

"People around you should know something, right? Why not ask them one by one?"

".."

At this point, I suddenly thought of Ye Hui. I'd previously told her that I'd mistakenly attributed something that happened to her to someone else. But now, I couldn't remember who I'd mistakenly identified.

"Yeah, I'll go now."

..

"Eh? Are you saying you've lost your memory again?"

"...And you? Hypocritical..."

"Could you please turn off what you're watching while we're talking?"

Honestly, the constant sound of my own voice was quite a distraction. However, even when I suggested it, Rinsenkawa didn't seem to be ready to pause. I couldn't tell if she was simply engrossed in the scene or was deliberately trying to contradict me.

"Actually, this is already the second time I've seen you. Sheji, your demeanor and expression are truly worth savoring~"

"What's with all this talk that sounds like sarcasm even though it's supposed to be a compliment? And why do you have to watch it a second time after you've already seen it once? What's so good about it?"

Although Ye Hui's words were most likely not meant to mock me, I don't think my acting skills are good enough to be praised. More importantly, this is not what I need to worry about right now.

"...Hmm, you really do have the potential to be an actor." It was incredible that Rinquanchuan could actually say such a compliment, "The prerequisite is that you can change your face."

Well, I knew it wasn't that simple.

"Let's not worry about that for now. What do you think, Ye Hui, have you ever thought about what happened back then? For example, who is the person I'm looking for?"

"..You didn't tell us the details, but you just said that it was your childhood sweetheart. It should be a girl." She guessed.

"Is that really the case..."

Even though it matched the information provided by Ye Jin, I couldn't remember how I had noticed it back then. My only remaining option was to go home and look through my old diary. Although I had an event tonight, it shouldn't take long to get home.

"Okay, then you guys continue to enjoy it."

"Wow, you actually said you admired me. Do you have any shame at all?" Rinquanchuan seemed a little dissatisfied with this. But I didn't have anything to say to her.

"Anyway, I have things to do. See you tonight—"

. . . .

Whether you're busy or on the go, as long as you feel like you're alive, you're living. And I'm definitely living... but I still feel like something's missing.

Whether I will be busy or at ease is not something I can decide. Events often unfold unexpectedly, so I simply don't try to predict the future. If the course of my life is destined to be tragic, then knowing the outcome, will I still persist in living without hesitation?

"journal.."

I practically ran upstairs, searching for the things I'd left behind. But no matter how hard I searched, I couldn't find anything. Where had I put it the last time I saw it? Confused, I kept moving my bookshelf, my bed, and the cracks in my closet. But I couldn't find the notebook-like object anywhere.

“..What’s going on…”

I'd found something I barely remembered. Inside a thick, rarely used dictionary, hidden within its hollowed-out pages, was a wooden box. This method of concealment would have been unthinkable a few years ago, and I never imagined I'd be capable of destroying a book.

"..Can you open it?"

There seemed to be no lock. I shook it in my hand, and there was a clanging of metal and plastic. Curiosity compelled me to open the loosely fitting lid. However, the item inside wasn't particularly unusual, considering its rarity—just a metal key and a pink plastic hairpin.

It looks like the random things I collected as a child, and this technique is probably imitating the plot of a comic or anime. It seems to be just a trace of childhood.

".."

This hairpin. I seem to have seen it somewhere.

I took it in my hand and examined it carefully. Besides recognizing it was something only women could use, I didn't find anything else. But what use would a grown man like me have for this hairpin? Could it be a gift from someone?

There was nothing else in the box except these two things, and the notes or envelopes that should have been there were nowhere to be found.

“..this key..”

It doesn't look like a key for your door. It's an old-fashioned design, with no plastic base, just a solid metal one. It's only about the length of a thumb, so it's probably used to open small doors or something. Speaking of small doors, there's only one room in my house where I keep my belongings, so that's not the key for me.

However, I still opened the storage room at home with the idea of ​​giving it a try.

"Ahem—" Because I hadn't used it for a long time, the room was full of dust when I opened it. I had to put on a mask and go in to search for something that might be useful to me.

"..Isn't this old TV sold yet?"

I immediately spotted the color TV my parents bought for their wedding. It was bulky and small, but back then, it was my go-to for watching anime and special effects and playing games. Then, with the advent of LCD TVs, this barely visible TV finally became obsolete. I thought I'd sold it cheaply to a junkyard, but surprisingly, it's still here. Did my parents forget to get rid of it, or did they keep it as a collection?

"..." Well, this is not a big deal.

Then I saw a black bicycle with a very long, high handlebar. I remembered it being one of my elderly family members' regular rides. Now that they're too old and frail to ride, they've just left it here. One day, it'll probably be thrown away.

"..."

Broken toys, fallen parts, wrenches, screwdrivers, disassembled game cartridges, circuit boards with missing components...it seemed as if every object could bring back childhood memories. These fragments became more and more dense as the things that appeared before my eyes became more and more clear, and the outlines of the things I had forgotten became clearer and clearer.

"...ah."

What on earth have I forgotten? I already had the answer, but why do I keep forgetting it... I should know the answer to all this.

“Swish—” “Crack—” “Clang—”

I kept rummaging around, tossing things aside, raising more dust. Finally, beneath the pile of junk, I found my old desk. The worn wooden planks and cabinets creaked with every movement... How many years had passed since then? I couldn't remember.

But I vaguely remember that the key in my hand... could open the lock on that worn-out desk. And the thing inside... should be the key to all my questions.

"...There's so much dust."

I couldn't help but sigh.

Where does the pain come from?

Ultimately, I can't remember everything. Unless I suffer from hyperthymesia, I'll always lose bits of my past. But for humans, isn't forgetting the past a form of happiness? Whether it's pain or sadness, it fades with the passage of time, and we can live peacefully as if it never happened. Possessing the ability to forget is actually a blessing for humans.

Lucky events, unfortunate events. Ultimately, humans cannot bear too much joy or too much sorrow, so the ideal is to slowly forget and return to a normal state over time. Why relentlessly dwell on the past? Those things aren't treasures; they only add to our suffering.

“But I still want to take it away.”

What is missing from my empty heart? I want to know. What are the things I stubbornly choose to forget? I still know that no matter how many times I forget, I will still remember them without hesitation.