I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

Ever-increasing options

"Someone told me that."

It didn't look like she was seeking relationship advice. Without a trace of shyness, she simply expressed her doubts to me, as if she was simply trying to clarify things.

"What does it feel like to like someone? Why would you want to date someone like me? We've never met before... Why do you suddenly have such feelings for me?"

"..."

There are so many questions, I don't know how to respond. As for why this kind of person appears... Of course it's because of appearance. Isn't this the first thing men consider when judging a partner?

“How did you respond to that person?”

Let’s take it seriously for now.

"...I replied that I didn't really understand the situation, so I hoped to get back to him after I understood it."

"...I didn't explicitly refuse."

"Do I need to refuse?"

"...It's normal to refuse if you don't like it."

She almost forgot that she had never experienced anything like this.

“But I don’t know whether I like it or not.”

"...Are you afraid of him?"

"It's a bit... after all, I'm not familiar with it."

"Compared to me?"

"Of course you are more approachable."

"But that's just because you understand me... And speaking of it, dating is actually a process of mutual understanding between two people." Although some people understand each other's bodies during the process of dating... hehe.

"...Huh? Does that mean we're dating?"

"not at all."

Is her comprehension ability good or poor?

"So what were we doing before?"

"...Isn't it to help you solve your sleeping problem? Come to think of it, you should be able to sleep well these days."

"Oh, that's true. Thanks to you, I can now have all kinds of dreams."

"Isn't that a good idea?... Instead of running away, I think it's okay to give dating a try." However, at this stage, I'm not so much against relationships as I am against them. "But relationships are complicated, especially love... So I don't want you to make a decision easily."

"...Hmm..."

"Well, let's not talk about that... I'd better answer the question you just asked." After a slight pause, "To put it simply, liking someone means that you feel happy to be with that person."

Such a person...

"No matter what we talk about, we never get bored. During breaks, I feel a little lost when I can't see that person... When we're strolling around the streets, I imagine a chance encounter..."

There was one around me.

"But after gradually facing all of this, I will start to care about whether I am qualified. I will start to face myself and ask myself all kinds of strange questions. In the end, I will still be defeated by the inferiority in my heart, and then flee in the face of this relationship..."

At least that's what I'm saying.

"If you're asking for my advice, I can only say, don't worry about it... At this stage of love, no matter what the outcome, it's not true happiness."

...was this a lie? It was clear that I had missed the ending I had been waiting for.

"I see..." She nodded, not quite understanding, "...I've never experienced the feeling you describe...but."

"but?"

"I feel safe and secure talking to you like this. And when you were sick a few days ago and didn't come, I went to look for you... hoping to see you at school... So, do I actually like you?"

"..."

Oh wow, super straight ball.

Chapter 34: Increasing Options

The time until school was over was actually short. But now the streets were already covered by darkness. Even though the streetlights on both sides were trying hard to drive away the darkness, they could not illuminate the sky.

"...Feel sorry..."

After Ye Hui calmed down a bit, I apologized to her. My emotions were complicated, but I had no idea what I was thinking. I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong, but since I had made her cry, it was definitely my fault.

"...No need to apologize. I'm just...overly sensitive about things like this."

"I know... no one likes to talk about this topic."

But I couldn't help thinking about it.

Especially after learning about Yao Qiong's family situation, this thought has been lingering in my mind. Coupled with her abrupt words today, I don't know how to face it.

"...Sure enough, something must have happened."

What kind of things have I encountered?... I've been encountering all sorts of things. Now that I think about it, maybe I haven't gotten over them all.

"Actually, someone confessed to me today...a girl I helped said she might like me."

There shouldn't be anything wrong with discussing this matter with her.

"Hey... is... is it Yao?"

"Yeah, that's her. That girl never understood anything, so she probably just thought this way this time." To be honest, I didn't take this confession seriously. And, strictly speaking, it wasn't a confession.

"So...how did you respond?"

"It's simple... Tell her it's just gratitude, which is completely different from liking someone. If helping someone gives you the right to date them, then what's the difference between this and taking advantage of someone in need?"

"That's it..."

"Besides, I don't think I can bring happiness to anyone. Even if we were to date, it wouldn't matter. Someone like me, with no future prospects... would definitely be abandoned in the future because of my decadence and inability to make money."

"Why do you say that... It's not nice to belittle yourself."

"But doesn't love seem quite pale when faced with the cruelty of reality? High school love is indeed an unreliable thing... Well, strictly speaking, I think all love in the world is quite unreliable."

"..."

Ye Hui seemed to disagree with what I said, so he remained silent and did not respond.

"Come to think of it, Ye Hui, you're so beautiful, I'm sure a lot of people have confessed to you, right?"

"...No."

Her answer was very flat.

"...Sure enough, there isn't one."

This is really surprising. She seems to be a very popular type.

"There's a reason for that."

"...So you don't like this kind of thing either...love or something like that."

"That's not the case." She smiled and shook her head. "No one confessed to me because of other things."

“…”

"To be specific, it's probably something like my aura. Others can tell at a glance that I won't accept another boy."

"Aura..." Does that mean she's making it clear that she won't date anyone... "I don't quite understand, but it sounds pretty impressive."

People with an unpopular appearance like mine probably have the aura of being ignored.

“It’s not that great actually.”

“…”

"If I could, I wouldn't want to worry about so many things. I guess the country feels the same way, right?"

If you want to disappear, just disappear.

“Heh—ahh—”

On my days off, no matter how much sleep I get, it never seems to be enough. Even when it's almost afternoon, I open my eyes and still feel exhausted. I'm panting heavily, and if it weren't for the urge of hunger, I would have wanted to abandon all thoughts and just lie in bed and dream.

If only I could live in my dream forever.

No matter what, I really don't want to face this increasingly cruel reality... If possible, it's not that I don't want to care about so many things, but I want to give up those things.

It’s a pity that there are still too many things in this world that I cannot give up... If I really do this, I may not be able to be called a human being... I cannot be called a normal person.

"what....."

Come to think of it, I've been lying in bed for so long without being woken up. It seems I've been left alone in some ways... Well, that's fine. Anyway, most of the worries have been resolved, so it's not too much to relax like this once in a while.

"Are mom and dad not at home?"

I changed and looked around downstairs. Finding no one around, I decided to find some food. I didn't really want to leave the house, but I preferred eating at a store to cooking myself.

“…How annoying.”

For some reason, I had to think about something as simple as eating. Thoughts like, "Does a guy who doesn't contribute anything to the world even need to eat?" kept filling my head.

so tired.

I've had this idea since before.

I wanted to fall into a deep sleep... unaffected by the outside world, like falling into an abyss, sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness of dreams until even my own consciousness vanished. Without feeling anything, there was no sense of fatigue.

"what...."

I always sigh and have no idea how much happiness I have lost that should have belonged to me... and I have forgotten the reason for sighing.

Chapter 35: If you want to disappear, just disappear.

Why does "I" exist?

Although a great man once said, "I think, therefore I am," can the so-called "self" consciousness be generated by thinking alone? If we think from different perspectives, will the resulting self be different?

"...I seem to have gotten stuck in a dead end again..."

A lazy voice sighed.

"It's not his fault...ah, to be exact, it's not our fault?" a slightly childish voice responded. "After all, it was what happened back then...even if I want to forget, I can't help but want to recall it."

"...If I could, I'd really like to travel through time and change everything." The lazy voice sighed helplessly, "No matter what it is, recalling it is quite troublesome."

“I was in a lot of pain back then.”

"Do you think you have it easy now?"

"...I thought I'd just forget about it..."

"That being said, this is absolutely impossible. That incident was such a huge blow to us that we couldn't accept it even at that time."

"...We all like her very much."

"I like her so much." He admitted frankly, "That's why I can't forget her existence no matter what means I use..."

"If only I hadn't met her in the first place."

"I actually regret letting her leave."

"...I was too inconsiderate."

"It's not your fault. Perhaps it's really fate that you can't be happy."

"...someone who cannot bring happiness to others."

"No matter how I think about it, my life is truly worthless. I wish I could just die."

"...Are you kidding me?"

"...Oh, that's right. I'm not controlling this body now." The lazy voice returned. "He's more or less remembered my memories from that time. I guess it won't be long before I can talk to you so leisurely."