I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

So... let's keep it this way.

"...You and I are just like ordinary high school students. Living in the world as human beings, we're about to rush around trying to make a living... We'll be confused, sad, and have all sorts of worries. It's not just me, everyone around us is like this, so there's nothing different about us."

Even if the past life is shrouded in darkness, the future is not necessarily all dark.

It's impossible to see the end of the darkness, but there might be some light hidden there.

"...That...."

"That?"

“What does it feel like to like someone?”

The way to fall here

I never thought someone would ask such a straightforward question in person.

"...I can answer you about this question."

If it were my old self, I would have been at a loss and nervously changed the subject. After all, that's how I was before, someone with such low self-esteem that I refused to face my inner feelings.

But I don’t want others to be like me.

The fact that she could ask such a question didn't mean...she wasn't hiding anything, but was actually facing herself. She was doing this better than I was.

"That..."

"It's just that I want to understand one thing."

I looked into her eyes.

There was no wavering in her gaze, nor any shyness about such a sensitive topic... it was as if she were simply confused. Unable to grasp the meaning, Yao Qiong could only seek the answer from someone like me who seemed to understand.

But do I really know the answer...I clearly don't even have someone I can call my crush.

"W-what is it?"

"Why do you have such doubts?"

At this time, I already had a slight premonition.

No matter who you are, when you come across the so-called love, you will fall into it in different ways.

Chapter 33: The Way We Fell Here

The only evidence of yesterday's rain was the wet dirt and the puddles that still clung to it. A cold wind, which always blows at any time, naturally couldn't bring back my less-than-favorable memories.

Even so, I still remember it.

"...In the end, I decided to open a shop."

Ye Hui's words forced me to temporarily pull my thoughts away from my memories and respond to her topic.

"Yes."

The thought of this topic made me feel even more unhappy. It was the same proposal as last year, but it was opposed by almost the entire class.

"What the hell...it's obvious that publishing a publication or something would be enough. But opening a shop in a classroom requires designing clothes, buying materials, and having them custom-made... Putting that aside, the tables and chairs have to be moved to an unused classroom upstairs, and then moved back again—leaving the classroom with a smell of cooking fumes is really troublesome. Besides, are they really confident in their cooking skills? They're all just adolescent idiots who don't prioritize saving energy..."

It's been a while since I've complained so much.

It's nothing but trouble...When I think about this, I feel like it would be better to cancel this activity and devote all my time to studying.

Of course, I won’t learn.

"...Well, actually, this kind of thing isn't so bad. After all, there aren't many such events in schools in other cities."

"Group activities?... They say it's to foster friendship, but wouldn't people who are normally isolated still be isolated in this situation?"

Why not just say honestly that you want to play for a few days?

"Having said that, isn't it nice to be able to show yourself?"

"...You mean last year's outfit?" That reminded me, "That outfit really suits you."

"I think so too. Because it's designed to fit the body, it doesn't give people a neutral feeling. The color matching and fabric selection are very thoughtful... It's absolutely right to say that it suits me."

"..."

Just admit it so openly...

"The person who designed the outfit was a very serious person. I still have that outfit at home, but it's a bit of a shame that I can't wear it casually... I still prefer skirts and the like."

"...Well." I felt so awkward that I couldn't say a word. I had no knowledge of clothing or anything like that. "So, was the designer assigned to this class this year?"

"Yes. Everyone is looking forward to what style of outfit she will design."

“…”

Then I should have figured out why I was rejected... It's rare to get the chance to have someone design your own clothes. Anyway, I didn't realize there was such a person in school.

"...So, I don't have to wear it, do I?"

"That's for sure. You're also a student in this class..."

"..." I didn't even bother to refuse. It was a waste of energy anyway, so I just went along with it.

"By the way, let's go get something to drink." "Oh."

At Yehui's suggestion, we made some changes to our original plan for returning home.

“Time flies by so fast…”

"...Indeed."

I really agree with this.

"The second year is almost halfway through."

"Then I graduated and found a job...though I had no idea what I wanted to do. Then, I worked like a fool at my job, met a woman I couldn't quite say I liked, got married, had children, continued to be oppressed by life, retired, continued to live a life of idleness, and then actually died. But it only took 60 or 70 years, so quickly."

If the life of the Earth is regarded as one year, then the time that human beings have developed to date is not even equal to one day.

"...You're quite practical in your thinking."

"...There's no such thing as practical or unrealistic... If I were going to die tomorrow, maybe I could think about things a little more realistically."

"Eh? Why are you saying that?"

Ye Hui seemed a little reluctant about this kind of topic. Yeah, that was true... after all, her parents' jobs were more dangerous than most people's.

But the dangers others endure don’t mean I’m relatively safe. It’s like flipping two coins; just because one lands on heads, it doesn’t mean the second one has a higher or lower probability of landing on heads.

They are just two unrelated things.

"...Why... Because that's just how the world is. I don't know how long I can live, and no one will tell me exactly when I'll die... It could be tomorrow, or next year. If I'm lucky, I could live another decade or more... But I'll die eventually."

"...That being said...."

"You two have your milk tea ready." Ye Hui was about to retort when he was interrupted by the shop owner. So he didn't continue.

But I could roughly guess what she was going to say.

"...Having said that, it doesn't feel right for a high school student to keep saying things like 'die'." He tried to speak out his own deduction, "Yehui, was that what you wanted to say just now?"

"...Although there are some differences...but roughly...this is indeed the meaning."

Although there was a hint of surprise in her eyes, she nodded in agreement.

"Don't avoid this topic. Just face it head-on... Death, though difficult to accept, is something we can accept in various ways."

"...Sheji, what happened?"

"No. Why do you ask?"

Yes, she's very considerate of others. Saying something like that is so out of character...she'll definitely think I've been through some kind of trauma, or that something's bothering me. Words coming from me should be more hopeful, gentle, and brighter...you're kidding.

"...I think you seem a little abnormal..."

"It's abnormal. Maybe... If something else happened, I think it would be even more abnormal."

"What's up?"

"I don't know. If I knew what I was destined to experience, what would be the point of life? I just want to say that if I encountered something terrible, I would probably be different."

"...Change..."

There seemed to be a subtle reaction to this statement.

"If it's a bad thing, I might become depressed and lose my composure. If it's a good thing, I might get a little more motivated and live a decent life. I can't say for sure."

That's how life is... After a series of bad things, even the most optimistic person won't be able to smile.

"...Then, let me ask you another question! Sheji, you must answer it seriously."

"Oh."

In fact, I never just brushed off her questions. Even if I was vague at the time, I would keep thinking about it later.

"You just said that if you knew you were going to die tomorrow... you'd consider something more practical. What would you consider? I'm very curious about that."

"Oh, that's good." This is already facing this kind of problem directly, "I can already ask this kind of question."

"...I just got caught up in the problem a little bit, and then I couldn't come up with an answer. That's why I wanted to ask you for the answer."

...Isn't it a bit inappropriate to discuss this topic with Ye Hui so abruptly?...Well, sooner or later I'll think about this anyway. Sooner or later doesn't seem to make any difference.

"It's actually very simple... Of course I'll just find a place where no one can see me and wait for death."

"..."

"As long as the body isn't found, there's a sense of hope, but there's a chance they might still be alive. Since people love words like 'hope'... let's just leave it to them. The essence hasn't changed anyway."

But it's ultimately a false proposition. I can't possibly know the time of my death, and there's no place where I can't find my body.

"...No, it has changed."

"is it?"

I didn't want to argue about this kind of thing, so I didn't refute her idea.

"Speaking of which, the state."

She seemed less worried now. Did she change just because of my answer? So, perhaps she's right. If we approach something fundamentally the same differently... maybe it will actually make a difference.

"What's wrong?"

"...Don't you want to hear what I think?"

"What do you think..." To be honest, I didn't really have any ideas. But since she said so... I had no reason not to listen. "Well, I don't care whether I listen or not..."

"By that time, I'll probably be crying all the time."

“…”

"I cried as I said goodbye, cried as I did what I needed to do at that time...no matter what, I probably couldn't stop my tears."

It was clearly a joke... No, it felt like a complaint from me. I didn't expect her to take it so seriously, and now she seems to be inexplicably deeply involved in it.

"...Yehui, are you... afraid of death or something like that?"

Other than that, I really couldn't figure out why there was a layer of mist in her eyes.

"...I have no idea."

As she spoke, she lowered her eyelids slightly, and the tears that were shaking in her eyes finally flowed down her cheeks.

"But what I'm afraid of is something else... When I think about that, I feel... it's better to be alive after all."

"..."

I don't know what exactly she is worried about.

"I'm sorry, I won't say that again..."

However, when I thought about how I had just said those words just to vent my inner depression and had not thought deeply about the so-called meaning of death, I felt as if I had done something wrong.

Maybe she could just casually say those words to a guy like Liu Yan who couldn't understand at all...but she was the one who could take those words as the truth.

"...No...Please don't mind..."

“…”

It's impossible not to care.