I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

Even though I know everything now...I won't

Tell these things to anyone.

"...I should go too."

After bowing to the neighbor who provided me with all kinds of information... no, it should be said that Yao Qiong's former neighbor... I faced the increasingly dense raindrops and opened the umbrella that looked even gloomier than the sky.

"The roads are slippery in the rain, so be careful on the road."

"...Oh, thank you."

Does the care between people come from inherent kindness in their hearts, or does it come from "praying" for themselves?

Wishing someone safe journeys is, in essence, a hope that nothing bad will happen to them while they're out and about. Wishing others a smooth relationship, academic success, or financial prosperity... those who wish this are also hoping for the same results themselves.

What exactly is goodwill?

"Well, forget it."

Even if you don't understand this at all, you can still live in this world. Even if you don't show kindness, even if you maliciously hurt others, you can still live in this world.

So... is it really necessary to worry about whether you are a good person or a bad person? Is it necessary to care about how many good and bad things you have done in your life... It's just self-satisfaction.

Just like me.

Chapter 29: It's okay to hesitate a little longer

I actually don’t doubt the existence of the so-called human soul.

But I still don’t believe that so-called “science” can explain how these so-called organs made up of fat and organic matter can form thoughts.

So-called science is just something people want to believe. When people in the past called things that now seem fantastical "real," didn't some people still believe them? So it's not hard to imagine that today's so-called science will one day be completely overturned.

However, let's consider the matter at hand.

"Ah... found it."

I wasn't sure if it was the right place for me to be standing here. After all, I didn't really know him, and we had no connection... But I still found this place according to the note the aunt gave me.

In the cemetery in the suburbs, I saw almost the same tombstones everywhere, and no one except me was there.

If it is not Qingming Festival or the anniversary of the death of the deceased, there will be no one here most of the time.

Did my arrival break the tranquility here?

But who can say for sure that the deceased must like quietness?

From that day till now, no one knows whether Yao Qiong has ever returned.

No matter how much you like quietness, it would be lonely if no one came to pay homage to you for many years.

"Maybe I'm just being nosy... maybe you don't like me that much either."

As if I was communicating with someone, I placed the bouquet of flowers I bought in front of the monument and bowed deeply from the bottom of my heart.

"...excuse me."

. . . . . . . . . .

A funeral is a ceremony performed for the living.

I've understood this principle since I was a child. Regardless of whether the tears shed at a funeral are genuine, regardless of whether the mourners truly had a close relationship with the deceased... the deceased, already gone, will not discern, much less jump to refute unreasonable claims.

When life ends, everything is over.

Whether it's words you hear or things you feel... none of them have anything to do with you. Whether it's words of praise or words of disparagement, only the living react to them.

That’s what I originally thought.

But why was it so? I was only facing a tombstone, yet it felt like I was talking to a real person. I couldn't help but feel nervous, even a strange sense of dread.

How many years ago did people first start thinking about life and death?

"...I don't know how to explain this. But I'm not a bad person. I met your daughter at school...and I noticed she was different from others...and she was also quite troubled by these strange things...to the point of being unable to sleep at night."

Can people really communicate with the dead?

I am not sure.

This game-like setting is unlikely to exist in reality. Yet, people have long believed that the soul can transcend the boundary between life and death... Humans are essentially animals, and all animals fear death. The desire to communicate with the dead simply makes one feel... that death isn't actually that scary, after all.

"...I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do...but I've been struggling with these memories that I can't escape. Anyone who's around Yao Qiong probably doesn't want to see this..."

I have no way of judging whether it is scary or not.

I just felt that during the seemingly useless so-called conversation, the heartbeat rate that I could detect with my hand on my chest was quite steady.

"...I don't know what to do. I thought... maybe if I knew the truth, I could help her better... but now it seems like it's useless."

When the raindrops become dense enough, they will no longer get heavier.

I didn't get any response, and my gaze was equally unsure where to turn. It shifted up and down a few times before finally landing on the photo, whose features were already indistinguishable.

According to Yao Qiong, the appearance of her father in her memory is already quite vague... It seems that she may have no other way to remember her father's face.

"...Everyone hopes to be happy..."

But some so-called happiness can go astray.

"...We should also hope that those around us can be happy..."

But his misfortune was brought about by the people around him.

Life is full of contradictions, and humans are a combination of contradictions. No matter which direction we lean, it's abnormal... We can't find happiness, can't escape, can't grieve, can't go with the flow, and don't have the courage to persevere... We don't want to die in mediocrity, but we can't live a glorious life either.

The traces of the struggles of those caught between poverty and wealth are what we call the footprints of history. Yet, no matter how the world turns, the number of people caught in it remains the same... not only has it not decreased, but has actually increased.

"But I don't know what happiness is... I don't know if someone like me can bring happiness to others. I don't even think I have the right to happiness..."

Is it blasphemy to the dead to talk about the suffering of the living with the dead?

I do not understand.

Why is life more noble than death? It's something we're bound to experience, so why should we fear it?

"I do not understand..."

There are so many things I don't understand. But neither my teachers nor my parents can give me the answers... And no matter how hard I try, I still don't understand things I didn't understand in the first place, no matter how much time passes.

"I just feel... a little scared..."

I'm not afraid of death. But I'm afraid of what I'm going to experience while I'm still alive... because I don't know if I can handle it.

"I'm afraid of being defeated by life... defeated by something I want to reverse but can't..."

I finally understood why those words came out of his mouth with a tone of despair.

Because a world filled with people is inherently hopeless.

There is no fairness at all. Everything is talking to itself. The invisible darkness fills the surroundings, devouring something wantonly, but no one knows, no one admits, no one sees... Even if someone shouts, it is of no use.

"This shouldn't be..."

But something that shouldn't have happened happened.

Yao Qiong's mother is an educator.

Maybe it was because she confiscated the student's extracurricular reading materials, or maybe it was because she criticized too much and hurt the so-called self-esteem of the minor, or maybe it was because of all possible things... In short, she was killed by her own students.

Initially thought to be missing, a body was later discovered. An investigation concluded that, since the deceased could not refute the facts, based on the testimony of the still innocent children, both parties were at fault.

What's more, for the protection of minors, their mistakes can be forgiven, and the trial is not open to the public, so their personal information cannot be known.

Nowadays, the children who did such things back then should have entered society, each becoming the pillar or the parasite they should be, right? No one knows where they are now.

There is neither divine punishment nor so-called justice.

Everything was carried out according to the law, and order was not disrupted. Although it is regrettable for the victims, this is the way it is...

"It's just an isolated incident." "The teacher must have done something wrong, otherwise why would the student have such murderous intent?" "It must have been corporal punishment or something like that."

"..."

I can’t imagine how many excuses he had to hear to become so hopeless about the world he lived in.

Because there is no need to imagine this at all, you can find similar words by just browsing the comments of any news.

"..."

I don't know when it started, but all I want to do is sigh.

Slightly swaying eyes

Maybe the world has never changed, it’s just that things that have always existed have not attracted more people’s attention.

“…”

After suffering a crushing blow, his overprotective nature and already dysfunctional mental state finally overwhelmed this pathetic man before me. Perhaps because he no longer believed in everything around him, he chose to lock his daughter up at home, not allowing her to take a single step out.

That's probably why she couldn't remember what happened... Just being locked up in a room would be like being in prison. Plus, his unusual way of thinking at the time meant he might have resorted to some drastic measures.

"...but ended up becoming the person I hated...?"

I hate people who hurt others, but ultimately hurt the people they care about. I don't know how to judge this matter. As a bystander, I have no right to stand on high and point fingers.

Since it has been so long, let's just pretend that I didn't know about it.

No one I know knows I'm here, so to them it's as if I've never been here. Just like... nothing happened.

"Now... your daughter is living a normal life... she has people to talk to and things she wants to do... I think she will gradually forget those bad memories and live her own life."

In fact, even if she couldn't forget, she still had to live her own life. However, this statement should sound better... Although in a sense, it was just talking to herself.

It seems like this is the first time I have said so many words in front of the deceased's grave.

Even when I went to pay my respects to my ancestors, I could only sweep the graves, pull weeds, and then kneel down and kowtow. I had nothing to say, and my parents and elders didn't want me to say anything.

I just stood there, not too far away, watching the yellow paper burn and the ashes drift away. They were clearly family, yet I felt a sense of distance... They were family, we could laugh and talk together when we were alive, so why did we have to keep our distance when we were gone, and why were there so many taboos?

I do not understand.

“…I’m so tired.”

Countless rules, unreasonable reasons... You must abide by them while you are alive, and you don’t have to care about anything when you die.

"...Feel sorry.

After all this talk, he must be annoyed.

But no matter what, I didn't get any response.

All I could feel was the chill gradually eroding my skin and the drizzle that kept dripping on the umbrella.

"...If I had the chance, I might persuade Yao Qiong to come see you...or something. If it doesn't bring back bad memories for her...I would do it."

But thinking about it again, I don't seem to have any right to interfere with her choice. If possible, I really don't want to get involved with anyone.

"...I'm leaving now. It's a little strange to say this, but please take care of yourself."

When faced with someone who no longer has a body to speak of, what exactly can we say about taking care of them?

Well, let the person being told this think about this. As the person sending the blessing, maybe I just want to get better soon.

Regardless, it's impossible for the deceased to get the attention of the living...

"Huhu——"

The cold wind that was originally just a slight breeze suddenly grew stronger for some reason, carrying a lot of rain and blowing on my back - to be more precise, it was like it was hitting my shoulders. The only part that could feel the impact of the rain was the lower part of my left shoulder.

It felt like someone I trusted patted me on the shoulder.

"........."

However, when I turned around, all I saw was the tombstone still shrouded by the gloomy sky.

"..."

Maybe... I should take back my previous thoughts.

Chapter 30: Slightly Floating Eyes

Although the general ending can be predicted, the specific path is indeed impossible to predict... Who would have thought that a year ago he was being beaten for standing up for the person he liked, but now he is talking in front of the grave of a stranger.