I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Ah, thanks."

Ye Hui's response came from the sound of falling shower water.

"...where..."

It was because of me that she was like this... so I should apologize to her. However, I'm the type who refuses to admit my mistakes.

"..."

There was no sign of any change in the heartbeat.

Normally, if I stare at a girl's eyes for more than three seconds, my face will turn red and my heartbeat will accelerate countless times... But now, I can only feel my steady heartbeat from the palm of my hand placed on my chest.

"..."

Perhaps what I was thinking subconsciously was more important than the scenes in romance novels. But I couldn't figure out what I was thinking.

"...Do you know what I... no, what we are worried about?"

It seems like he is talking to himself.

When I returned to the living room, it was like I was talking to another self, hoping to get the response I wanted.

However, I could hear no other sound except the sound of the air conditioner and the sound of raindrops falling outside the window.

...I can vaguely understand what's happening to me, but in the end, I still can't figure it out. However, even if people don't understand a few things, they can still live in a state of confusion.

Looking forward but unable to see the future, looking back but unable to see the past... such people can still live in this world. Unable to find what they want, gradually becoming confused about what to let go... Only when facing reality do they suddenly realize their own incompetence.

"..."

What a hassle.

I sighed from the bottom of my heart.

I want to clarify many things, and I also want to make those who talk to themselves understand the truth. However, people only want to believe what they believe... No matter what, what I want to express will not be taken seriously.

"What's the use..."

Even if you try hard to change, there are always some things that cannot be changed.

............

"Are you writing again?"

".....Um."

Now I was leaning on the sofa, my back to Ye Hui who had just finished showering. I was writing furiously, not even thinking of looking back.

"..."

If you think about it carefully, the only useful thing you can do is to hide the words that cannot be expressed in words.

It is said to be hidden, but I also hope that one day I will be understood by others.

"...Don't push yourself too hard."

"Ah."

Actually, I've been forcing myself. It's just that no one knows it, and I don't want others to know... I don't even want to admit it myself.

"Then you can leave it like this for now...I should go cook."

"...Thanks."

"No need to thank me, it's just a small thing~"

“…”

But it's not the little things that I want to express my gratitude for.

It seems she doesn't understand me...

Rather, I have never been understood by anyone, and I have never expected to understand anyone. Because there is no need, and there is no necessity.

The only equivalent exchange exists in chemical reactions; there is no fairness in the world outside of this. But I still met someone who deserves my thanks.

It's just that she's the only one who can express her gratitude now.

"..."

Even if you have made an agreement with someone, you must continue to do so... and use your own way to pull the person who is in trouble back on the right track.

But I have always been the kind of person who lets others down.

When I came to my senses, I suddenly realized that I was actually very tired.

"...That's good, isn't it?"

This is the last thing I can do.

I no longer want to find out what happened to Yao Qiong. For her, happiness is probably not having to think about it.

Perhaps I am the same way. Even if I want to understand the source of the darkness in my heart, living in complete ignorance is no big deal.

“There are always some things that you can’t give up no matter what…”

But now I can only mix them into stories and then... leave it at that.

But still wandering around

The temperature in the room began to rise.

According to a theory developed by some bored people, temperature seems to be the factor that affects whether humans feel sleepy. In other words, the more comfortable the temperature, the more likely it is to cause sleepiness.

“…Well…”

A slightly hoarse voice...is this coming from my mouth?

This theory should be true.

After all, if a person doesn't have to do anything and is in a comfortable environment, then the only thing they can do is sleep. And now, I don't know if it's because the temperature is too high or if my illness has relapsed, but I actually feel sleepy outside of class during this time.

...I can't even see what I'm writing on paper anymore. Or rather, I have no idea how what I just wrote is related to what I'm thinking about right now.

This kind of sleepiness...it turns out that I can't overcome it by willpower...But, it's not time to go to bed yet.

Even though it was just a little bit, the aroma of food coming from the kitchen had already drifted to the living room where I was. If Ye Hui saw me sleeping like this, she would definitely not wake me up again... That's just the way she is.

After the cooked rice has cooled, I will put it on a plate, cover it with plastic wrap and put it in the refrigerator... Then, I will probably run to school... By that time, the school lunch time should have been long gone.

This definitely won't work... There's no need to starve yourself for someone like me.

So, the most important thing for me now is not writing, but staying awake...but this is indeed difficult.

“Buzz—buzz—”

A noise, barely worthy of being called a noise, lingered in my ears. Perhaps it was the air conditioner running constantly, but I could clearly feel myself getting hotter... like being under the scorching sun, or rather, more like taking a shower in a steamy room.

“Swish—swish—swish—”

The sound of rain.

The rain hasn't stopped yet... What a terrible weather.

Chapter 26: Still wandering around

“Pu~ha——!”

The last time I held my breath for more than five seconds while burying my face in cold water was in elementary school. Of course, I didn't do this for fun, but to cool down my heated brain (physics).

"...call..."

The bangs on his forehead were messily stuck to his forehead, and his face looked not very good...he looked quite embarrassed.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I wanted to put on a smiling face, but I felt a faint pain in my facial muscles, so I gave up. The result was a rather helpless expression on my face... After being ridiculed and mocked, I should have used this expression to deal with it.

“…What a hassle…”

My muscles are aching, I have no appetite...even moving my eyes is difficult.

“Pah—”

He clapped his palms together tightly, but nothing happened... No light, no formation appeared. If only he could attach his soul to the armor. That way, he wouldn't get sick, wouldn't get tired, wouldn't need to sleep... If only he could, he wouldn't even die.

“…”

...But if I think about it carefully, I don't seem to be that opposed to death.

Because I have seen it with my own eyes, in my eyes, it is something that every living person will experience.

In reality, many things are like this. I always think I won't be going through the same things as others, but I always find similarities. Well, thinking about it now doesn't seem worthwhile.

"Sheji, what are you doing here?"

"...ah."

I didn't expect her to come find me for a moment. After all, I was standing in the bathroom... Normally, people wouldn't come here to look for someone.

"...Just washing my hands."

It's all pretty much the same thing anyway.

"Then why is your hair wet?"

"...nothing."

By the way, Ye Hui has her hair tied up again... and I don't know how many times she's wearing that apron. Incidentally, she's changed back into her old clothes... Wait, when did she change back? You can't wear a bathrobe while cooking in the kitchen, right? So...

"Dinner is already served, so stop standing here."

"Oh..."

Never mind, I didn't see anything anyway. I won't bother with these details. Besides, I'm not the type to get excited when I see a pretty girl.

"Eat something quickly, then take your medicine and rest."

"it is good..."

Actually, it doesn’t matter.

"I'm so tired I can't even write properly."

"...You saw me." I couldn't help but scratch my cheek.

"If you're really serious about what you want to do and can't let go of it no matter what...why not just get well in one go? Honestly, I really don't like the idea of ​​constantly making myself uncomfortable."

"..."

Quite dislike.

Well, maybe I just can't stand other people's behavior, so I do things on my own, not knowing whether I will regret it. But what Ye Hui did was just a simple, innocent act of kindness.

It's just that this kind of kindness is used too much for someone like me... It's completely not worth it. This level of illness can be cured by just lying in bed for a few days. Even if there is no one to take care of me, the desire to survive will still make me find a way to survive.

This kind of thing is too redundant for me.

"...Thank you so much."

"Huh? Why are you thanking me again?"

"I can't really explain it... I just want it this way."

Although I wanted to repay someone, I didn't know what I could offer. Furthermore, judging from my own inner thoughts, I never wanted to be thanked... Rather, I would feel uncomfortable and lost if I received anything in return.

She wouldn't easily accept rewards from others either.

"That's it."

She accepted it easily and smiled.

"..."

What I wanted before wasn't actually any tangible reward. It was simply respect... and the desire to inspire others to do the same. Back then, I naively believed that as long as I simply did something useful for others, I would be respected and admired.

However, most people simply regard this behavior as normal. Because you want to do it, so just do it yourself. Those who do this are not only disrespectful but even treated with contempt and an inexplicable sense of entitlement.

When doing good deeds doesn't earn any reward, those who don't seek rewards will naturally follow their hearts and do the corresponding things. But if even basic respect is not given, what reason is there to continue?

"...Yehui, will you...keep it like this in the future?"

"Hmm? You mean keep what?"

"...something you truly want to do...is just like what you're doing now. Will you continue doing it in the future?"