I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"..."

Only cats? Then her father...

After noticing my gaze, she narrowed her eyes slightly.

"Are you wondering where my father went? Well, I'm not really sure. But I can sense that he doesn't want to believe this story any more than I do... because I once woke up in the middle of the night and happened to see him crying."

“…”

"But I really don't know what he's doing, and I don't know how to approach him. After all, I don't remember him being home often... and his temper is so volatile, he's hard to fathom." She sighed. "During the days when Mother was gone, he went out more and more often, and when he came back, he slammed the door more and more often. He also became more gloomy and haggard... Maybe he was busy with Mother's affairs. That's my guess."

"..."

"Until later, at what point... he seemed to have become a completely different person. A very strange person... I couldn't even see his face anymore. Now that I think about it, all I can remember is darkness."

"..."

Pitch black? Is that an exaggeration? No, before I met Jiayin, her face was also quite blurry. It was as if it was covered by a thick fog, or a black curtain... Perhaps it was because I was still young at the time, so I don't remember it clearly.

"...That day, when he came back, he didn't slam the door, nor did he look angry. However, I always felt that being angry made me feel more at ease... After all, at that time, I still felt that he had a sense of belief. But at that time, it seemed that his words and actions revealed... a sense of powerlessness."

“…”

"Then what I remember most clearly are probably those few words... They seemed to be the last few words he left for me."

"....Gulu."

I couldn't help but swallow. I didn't know why, but this story suddenly felt chilling. I didn't know why, but it just felt like...his father seemed to have undergone a truly profound change.

"So... so what did he say...?"

Even if I didn't ask, she would have told me. The reason I asked this question is because the atmosphere I could sense was too heavy... If I didn't use this question to take a breath... I'm afraid it wouldn't work.

“He said…”

strangeness.

Even though it was so cold around me, I couldn't help but sweat.

“…No…”

“…Why is this happening…”

“This shouldn’t be…”

The feeling of oppression is quite strong.

Was it because she was deliberately imitating the voice, or was it because he deduced something extraordinary from what she had said before... Now, he was looking at Yao Qiong in front of him with considerable hesitation.

“…Isn’t that right?”

Perceived trust

From the moment she finished speaking, my mind began to race. I don't know what "racing" means, but I was definitely trying to understand what she had just mentioned, and those last three sentences, using my limited memories and relatively shallow experience. I kept searching for similarities between my own experiences and the stories I knew about others.

"Do you remember what happened after that?"

While my mind raced, I also tried to get some useful information. Rather than information that was useful to me, I wanted information that would help me understand what had happened to her... Regardless of whether or not it could solve her confusion, it was ultimately of no use to me.

"What happened next..."

Her eyes lowered slightly, her gaze turning to the bricks paving the street.

"I...can't remember...clearly. Sorry."

"Is that so? Well, there's really nothing I can do if I can't remember." I scratched my cheek, which was cold from the wind. "Well, let's skip that topic for now and continue by telling me how you felt when you cried."

I've said before that she's the type with a very frank expression. Even if she wanted to hide something, she had never experienced suspicion or the consequences of being too frank, so naturally she wouldn't know how to keep her thoughts to herself in conversation. So it was clear to me that it wasn't that she couldn't remember what happened later, but rather that she didn't want to talk about it for some reason.

What could it be? The feeling that could shake someone to such an extent, to the point of being unable to truly trust someone...aside from suspicion, it was probably fear. That memory was probably one that even she herself didn't want to talk about.

So, it's best not to press the issue until she decides to bring it up. Besides, this wasn't the original intention, and the conversation had drifted off... Noticing this, I naturally changed the subject.

Well, to be more precise, I should bring the topic back to where it originally was.

"Ah... that's right... I think I mentioned something unrelated..."

Actually, it wasn't unrelated. The fact that she could relate to it and bring it up showed that it had been buried inside her for a long time. She probably only said this to me. Judging from her previous comments, she probably rarely spoke about herself with anyone else. Even her adoptive parents didn't know what exactly happened to her.

"Well... Speaking of my feelings at that time... I can't really explain it, but I just felt that way..."

She was a little incoherent, and the white air she exhaled continuously was floating around.

"After all, I've felt for a long time that I wasn't a normal person. But regarding these two things, no one has ever told me what I should do... And, for some reason, I seem to be afraid to judge whether what I'm about to do is abnormal. Because if I do something abnormal... it might lead to bad results."

“…”

I really wanted to know how she'd formed the idea that "doing something out of the ordinary would have negative consequences." But it seemed like I couldn't interrupt her now. Besides, with a little thought, I could guess. Since it was formed so long ago, it definitely couldn't be related to her current living environment. In other words...it was most likely related to her biological father, whom she didn't want to talk about.

"So... I was afraid of revealing my abnormality. Even in a relatively stable environment, I still didn't want to reveal my inability to distinguish between normal and abnormal. So... I would often ask myself, 'Will this be the same as others?' 'Will it seem a little abnormal?' Unable to judge these things... I felt like I couldn't get along with others at all."

"..."

"But when I met you, it felt different. Because back then, I had the impression that Sheji couldn't talk... Although I feel a little sorry for thinking that, I did think that way at the time... 'It doesn't matter if I do something abnormal,' after all, you are a little abnormal compared to others."

“…”

Is this considered normal compared to me... Well, this kind of thinking is also normal.

"And I also thought you wouldn't tell anyone else... After all, you said it was troublesome to talk to people like that. So, I've actually trusted you ever since we met. That's why I revealed things I didn't want to say." She said, inadvertently placing her right hand on her chest. "But when I found out you could talk, I thought that trust and closeness would disappear... But it seems that's not the case. There's no reason to, but I can't help but think that way... But instinctively, I still feel uneasy, feeling that you'll bring up things about yourself with others. If that's the case, wouldn't I be a fool for trusting someone so easily in the past? These two feelings mixed together... It's a feeling that's hard to understand."

“…”

I seem to understand something.

"Maybe it's because I'm not sure what to do, or maybe it's because... I feel like we might end up having nothing to do with each other... And then there's the fact that you think I'm different from everyone else. I feel like I'm getting too much information to process all at once... I can't tell whether I'm happy or sad... Even my brain is confused."

"..."

It seems she's never really thought about this much. Ah, I was too impatient after all. Fortunately, it didn't cause her to develop any particularly strong negative energy. Otherwise, I might have another regret in my life.

"...sorry..."

Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't have kept it from her from the beginning.

"No, no, it's okay." She waved her hand and smiled at me. "If you had greeted me like a normal person from the beginning, I wouldn't have wanted to see you again... So I'm still very happy to have this experience now."

"..."

Is that really the case? Perhaps.

But if that possibility really becomes a reality, after deciding to help her, I will still do everything I can to get closer to her. There is no special reason, just because she needs help.

"...It's not a big deal. Although it's a bit embarrassing to have others see you crying... But this is normal, right?"

"Ah."

I really wanted to tell her that she didn't need to be so tied to concepts of normal and abnormal. It's like someone doing something without first considering right or wrong. It's others who need to judge, and I'm just the one making the decision.

I will continue to make choices in the future, and it's impossible to predict what I will do or what kind of life I will lead. Mechanically following the boundaries of normal and abnormal behavior is shallow... So, right now, rather than understanding her past, I want her to live a normal life.

"never mind."

Let me put my doubts to rest here for now.

"Rather than this, let's hurry up and have fun."

When I said this, I realized that I had been blown by the cold wind for who knows how long.

"Well, let's go." She seemed to have become somewhat relaxed. "Although I'm starting to forget the purpose of coming out~"

"....ah."

In this respect, I don't seem to be much different from her.

Chapter 31: Perceivable Trust

After considering the distance and what I was planning to do, I decided to take her to KTV. While the situation seemed somewhat familiar, well...it's been a while since I've asked Miss Lin out. But since she usually seems so busy (playing games), it seems best not to disturb her.

Also, after all, we have been standing on the road for quite some time, so the most important thing is to find a place to shelter from the wind as soon as possible.

“This is my first time in a place like this…”

"Well, I don't really like it. It's just that most of the people I knew before like to come here... Maybe it's normal in their minds."

Rather, many people consider anything that can pass the time quite normal. Time passes by in walking, talking, or simply daydreaming, and since time seems endless, most people relentlessly seek ways to feel happy. Even if some activities aren't particularly pleasurable, they can still be considered entertainment. Clearly, what I'm doing is part of that.

"Is this a normal thing..."

She came up to me curiously as I was ordering songs.

"Oh, that's great. Do you have any favorite songs you want to sing?" After noticing her, I moved aside and gave her the screen.

"Eh? Um... that... I hardly listen to any music..."

She stood there rather awkwardly.

"Don't say that... Even just one song would be fine."

After all, I can't always sing alone. I'm not the type to grab the microphone and never let go. Even if it's rare, I still have some sense of shame.

"Well... I'll try my best."

"That's right. It's just the two of us, so we don't have to worry about singing badly or anything... Even though I don't really like singing, when I actually hold the microphone, I can't help but want to sing seriously."

"...Oh, is that so..."

Oh no! She didn't seem to understand what was being said. After all, she'd never experienced anything like this before... but everything has a first time. Better to get used to it beforehand than panic later.

"Then since we're the host, I'll go first." After all, I was the one who suggested it, so I naturally wanted to set an example. Of course, there was also a little selfish motive. My singing skills are still pretty good, for a commoner.

Then the accompanying music began to sound.

.............

"That's great! I've never heard this song before, but the voice of Sheji seems to match the music."

Under the dim colored lights, she sat on the sofa and clapped for me. Even though I couldn't see clearly, she was definitely smiling... That was fine. My goal was just to make her relax.

"It's your turn now. The next song is the one you ordered."

"Oh...Is this the right thing to sing with?" she said, picking up the microphone beside her. "It feels like, oh, the sound has really gotten louder."

"..."

Should I call it cute or something? It's quite rare for someone my age to be so unfamiliar with modern technology. If she's not a severely restricted young lady, then she's from an ordinary family with strict upbringing... However, the girl before me, Yao Qiong, comes from neither of those backgrounds. That's why I feel such a strong sense of dissonance... It's like she's living in an environment completely devoid of entertainment.

What is going on...

"Wouldn't Sheji come sing with us? I think you can sing too, right? After all, you requested so many songs."

"what...."

I'd been so lost in thought that I hadn't noticed what the background music was. But now, with her prompting, I remembered it instantly. Even without listening, just watching the music video on the screen gave me a rather... indescribable feeling.

"...No way."

Which era did you travel from?

"Then I'll sing the first line... Ah, let's begin... You, you carry the load..."

. . . . . . .

Let’s not talk about why there are such weird songs in the music library.

It would be fine if such old songs were deliberately played at a party just to liven up the atmosphere or attract attention...

"Oh, Sheji really sings well~"

"Ahahaha, thank you so much..."

What was she thinking about seriously pointing out a song that had already been categorized as a tearjerker of the times and would definitely be laughed at? Could it be that her knowledge of music was limited to music from a long time ago...

"I'm not very good at listening to music, and I hardly have time to listen to it." She explained to me a little awkwardly, "So this is the only one I know the name of and remember the lyrics of..."

“…”

I understand. After all, she barely even uses her phone, so for her to be able to perform like this is pretty impressive. However, if possible, I'd still like her to learn to be more normal... My tastes are still stuck in the music of the 80s and 90s, though. Compared to hers, they don't seem much better.

"it's okay no problem."

I said and sat next to her.