I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

Was it to avoid the crowds of onlookers, or to avoid the possibility of being seen by someone familiar? Or was it simply a matter of my body reacting without any consideration? In short, I could say I considered something, but my mind was completely blank as I quickly stepped forward and grabbed her wrist.

This is similar to other girls. It's very thin and feels weak, as if the slightest pressure would hurt it. I know the human body isn't as fragile as I think, but...it just feels that way.

"Eh? Where are you going?"

Although I felt surprised, I still followed.

"...outside."

After answering, his pace quickened.

...........

Why is that?

To the girl who is now running aimlessly and quickly after me...what am I sad about?

"Almost...it's almost time to stop."

I said, loosening my hand.

Being in the gap between the buildings, I could still get some protection from the cold wind, albeit only slightly. Besides, it didn't look like there were any pedestrians passing by at the moment.

"...Ah, the wind blew the tears from the corners of my eyes and it hurts a little..." Wiping the tears from the corners of her eyes and cheeks, she said to me as if complaining, "Why did you drag me to run so fast... I didn't do anything bad."

"...Well. I just...don't really want the attention."

Actually, it's all for you! How could you not even notice this? Do you think it's totally okay for you to be seen by someone you know?

"I don't want to be noticed... Actually, I feel the same way. So, should I thank you for putting it that way?"

"...casual."

Don't ask me about this.

"Is this normal? Wouldn't it be considered rude if I didn't say thank you?"

"...Then thank you."

Finally I got to say it.

"What? Don't you still want me to thank you?"

"..."

I knew the conversation would turn to this... I just said "casual" to avoid being accused of wanting to thank her. Tsk, never mind... I should be familiar with her way of talking anyway.

"Thank you."

"..."

Such a straightforward way of thanking someone...it's been a long time since I've encountered one. Aside from being greeted from the very beginning by the opponent in Hearthstone, that's a distant memory. It was pure, no prelude, no prelude...thank you.

"Um...."

I was actually a little uncomfortable.

“Although I don’t know where to thank you.”

Don't add any more to this sentence.

"Ah... never mind." He sighed slightly, deciding to clarify a few things first. "Although I'm not entirely sure of the specific circumstances. But... it seems like you started crying while we were talking."

Wow, I hardly believe this myself.

"Really..."

Judging from her eyes, she probably believed it. However, the things she cared about were really different from the average person... and the things she believed were also quite strange.

"Well, depending on the situation...that's probably it."

Still unable to figure out why he was so sad, he lowered his head slightly, watching the white air exhaled from his nose drift away and then disappear quickly.

"...It's incredible... Do you know what's going on?"

"..."

It's clearly my own problem, yet I still have to ask others. And I wish I knew everything... Unfortunately, I'm not the kind of person who knows everything, and I'm certainly not the kind of person who would say, "I only know what I know."

"...Well, I'm not sure." After a slight pause, "Did you feel any discomfort in your eyes, or did something get stuck in your eyes?"

What a stupid question. If that were the case, the situation would be completely different. Naturally, you would immediately notice it and rub your eyes.

"It seems not."

"..."

Remove the word "seem" for me, it means there is nothing at all.

"Oh...Is that so. Then, how did you feel when you said that?" It's impossible that he doesn't even know how he feels.

"Well...I don't think I'm very clear about it." She smiled sheepishly, "Hehehe."

"...Hey hey hey what the hell..." (whispering)

It's a pity that she can still laugh at this time.

"So, when you said those things to me... you didn't have any other thoughts? Any feelings or anything like that."

But most people prioritize what they want to say when they speak, right? They probably don't remember their feelings that clearly at the time. Honestly, I'm just trying to find clues.

“…I don’t quite understand my feelings at that time…”

"..." I knew it... Well, let's just treat it as a coincidence and ignore it...

"But I can tell you... there's something a little strange about it." As if afraid I wouldn't understand, she paused and quickly added, "It's just that it feels different from usual."

"..."

Although there are many things to complain about, it is good to be able to think of something.

Words that are still incomprehensible

Actually, if I say it was different from usual... from that moment on, the world in my eyes had already begun to change. I couldn't tell what was normal from what was abnormal.

No, rather, the entire world, centered around my body, began to blur. Beyond the palpable pain, almost everything else began to lose its meaning. Perhaps because my body's functions deteriorate with prolonged disuse, it seemed like a long time since I'd touched anything...people, or anything else. My hazy memories and senses combined to render the world unrecognizable.

The unconscious part gradually eroded the increasingly weak consciousness, and when it was about to forget its own existence, things finally changed.

The most memorable thing was the light that stung my eyes. Perhaps only the clear feeling of pain could quickly help me find my own existence... It was at that moment that I suddenly realized that I still existed in this world.

In a world where there is more than just darkness.

"It's all right now..."

It was a strange voice. It wasn't the voice of my father, the one I'd always been talking to. Even though I didn't really want to hear his voice... I was still curious, and with my remaining consciousness, I began to wonder why he wasn't speaking to me.

"Don't be afraid..."

Scared...? Why bring up such a thing? Ah, so I've always been afraid? As I gradually regained consciousness, I realized my body was trembling. But I couldn't figure out why I was reacting this way. And I couldn't figure out why, even though this was the first time I'd met this person, I didn't feel the urge to run away or the fear.

"Can I walk?"

"..."

I nodded, but I couldn't seem to feel my legs anymore. I couldn't confirm if I could walk properly, because it seemed like I hadn't walked for a long time.

"Looks like it's not going to work... There's nothing I can do."

It felt like I hadn't been treated like this in ages. But I couldn't quite recall when I'd been treated like this before. In words, it was just a gentle embrace. But compared to how I'd been treated before, this was already incredible.

"what..."

I'd felt something was off from the start... When I reached out to touch my neck, I realized it was gone. It was quite uncomfortable when I first put it on, but suddenly it was gone... I felt a bit uncomfortable. What was going on?

"...That's been removed. Don't worry about it. It's not something you should wear around your neck."

"what..."

What does that mean?

I began to feel doubtful, but since he said it didn't matter, then it must be okay.

With my eyes slightly closed, I could only see light and shadow. The world wasn't something so clear and distinct, nor was it something so easy to distinguish... A long time ago, it must have been a long time ago... This is how I understood the world.

Suddenly, there are more things to think about...ah, it seems like everything is different from before.

Will it get better? Will it become... normal?

Chapter 30: Words That Still Cannot Be Understood

"...Actually, I'm not sure whether I should say this to you."

It’s generally better not to talk about this kind of premise, otherwise it will feel like I’m forcing her to say it... Well, forget it, it’s better not to have so many burdens.

“Why is there such concern?”

Let me ask a counter-question for now.

"...Well, maybe it's just because you're not me..."

“…”

"If it's not me, knowing things about me always makes me feel uneasy. Ah, it's not that I don't trust you or anything... I just vaguely have that feeling."

It's easy to understand someone who doesn't hide their expressions. Even though I felt like she was hiding something when we first met... now it seems like it might just be my imagination.

In short, it's just worrying, right?

"I won't tell anyone... Although it's a bit unreasonable to expect people to believe me with just one sentence. Ah, how should I put it... Just a little bit, at least a little bit, I still hope that I can be trusted."

How much of this statement is true.

I questioned myself. What I was saying now was simply how to elicit the desired information from her, and then naturally came up with something that would put her off guard... How many times had I practiced to be able to formulate such a phrase so quickly? I didn't know, but I just slipped my words out of my mouth unconsciously. It wasn't just this time, it was many times. With different people, the content of my words would vary slightly, but overall, they always tended to achieve the desired result.

Can this be called hypocrisy? Because deep down, I believe that being trusted or not is irrelevant.

"Then I believe you."

"..."

It was the expected result. But I couldn't be happy, and I didn't think I should be happy either... well, forget it.

"Well... Speaking of which, I feel something different than usual. It might have something to do with my past memories." When she said this, a hint of bitterness seemed to linger in her smile. It seemed like some extraordinary past event...

"...Maybe no one would believe me. But my memory of the past is very vague."

"Dong dong——"

Memory. Fuzzy memory?

After hearing that key word, I felt my heart skip a beat. It was like a prediction, like I'd been given a sense of resonance. It was a rather subtle feeling. I'd always thought I was the only one in this situation, my memories like words written on the beach, constantly washed away... I hadn't expected there were other people in a similar situation.

“…Ah…Ah…”

I wanted to say something, but I was too excited to speak, and I didn't know where to begin. I could only look at her, her head slightly lowered, her gaze missing mine, my heart in a turmoil and my mind blank, as I stood on the street, seemingly brushed by the cold wind.

"It's vague... but I'm not quite sure why. When I think about it, all I can remember is vast expanses of unsettling darkness, and... something about my cat at home."

"....cat?"

I remember she mentioned that she only had access to cats at school... and then she mentioned the cats at home... With a little deduction, I could conclude she was referring to her previous home. After all, she's now living with foster parents, and to her, that doesn't really feel like home. While she hasn't said it herself, her actions hint at it.

"Hmm...it's a...black cat. Honestly, I didn't really like it at first because I didn't choose it, but my mother gave it to me. I did well in my exams, and I told her I liked it, so she probably wanted to surprise me with the kitten. It's a really small cat, and it slipped under the sofa without me noticing...and started meowing at night, like it was complaining."

“…”

Although he said he didn't like it very much, a rather gentle expression appeared on his face when he mentioned it. It seemed that he was lost in the good memories.

"My mother said it might be homesick... It was then that I realized that one day I might leave home. But after I held her hand, this feeling gradually dissipated. Because I knew that my mother was by my side, and as long as she was with me, I was at home..."

"But then, one day, it seemed I lost the right to hold those hands. I was told she was no longer there... After that, it was like I lost consciousness. Following instructions, I bowed to my mother's photo and said goodbye... Then, everyone around me was crying and looked so sad... I didn't understand what was going on, and I stubbornly refused to cry with them... Now it seems I just didn't want to believe it. About my mother's death."

"..."

Ah, I should have guessed it long ago. They were adoptive parents after all... Perhaps I'm just like her before, unwilling to believe and acknowledge the rather terrible reality.

"Actually, I don't want to believe it now... but what's the point? I can't change reality just by not believing it..."

"..."

He didn't look like he was about to cry.

"So, for a while, the only one I could rely on was Xiao Hei... the cat my mother gave me."