I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Eh... isn't it?"

"..."

What is it or is not? At least you should explain the problem clearly. Otherwise, it will be difficult to answer it with just nodding and shaking your head.

"Oh, sorry... I don't think I made the question clear. Um, are you feeding those cats?"

"Yeah." Although it wasn't a group, it was still one, so I nodded confidently.

"So, they're here because of you?"

"..."

What's with this tone of voice, like someone's found the culprit? It feels like a question. All I can do is shake my head in denial.

"It's not because of you? Does that mean there are other people with you?"

“…”

Was it an illusion... It felt like I was being tricked into revealing something crucial, and Ye Hui's eyes were filled with a rare skepticism. Besides, this kind of question didn't seem easy to answer.

"Hurry up, Sheji."

"Um?"

"Are you going to nod or shake your head—"

Chapter 15: True Fallacy. Its Obscurity

"Ah...ah...cough cough, umm..."

It wasn't a sound check for the broadcast, but a recent habit I'd developed. It was a habit of checking the current state of my voice and mouth, even at the cost of pain.

Fortunately, it seems to be getting better, and I don't feel too much discomfort.

At least I didn't burst into a fit of coughing just by accidentally speaking, and eating wasn't too painful...so today's interactions with that guy shouldn't be strange. And I could finally try to swallow my food.

It seemed like it had been a long time since I had gone to bed and gotten up early. But to avoid being questioned by my parents and being discovered if I went out at a normal time, I got up a little earlier.

I tiptoed into the house and was met with a cold wind. As I habitually tried to pull the scarf up a little, I suddenly realized that I had forgotten to put it on when I left the house.

"call..."

Was it because I wasn't awake yet, or was it because the house was too warm? But since I had already left the house, it would be embarrassing to go back and get something and get caught.

Looking at the dimly lit streets and the now-extinguished streetlights, I almost forgot it was autumn, and shivered in the chilly wind. I wasn't actually feeling very cold, but I couldn't help shaking. I couldn't tell if it was because I was really cold or if I was just too nervous.

All in all, I figured it wouldn't matter. Wearing slightly thin clothing, I walked along the still-dark streets.

It felt strange. No matter where I looked, it was as if I was shrouded in darkness... Perhaps it was because I couldn't get any light back, so even the scenery I should be used to seeing was completely different from what I imagined.

When exactly is it?

I once ran in such a dark sky, looking at the surrounding scenery without fear. Although I rarely run now, I still look at the surrounding scenery in the dark without fear.

.........

Today...it should be today.

It was probably past one in the morning, so it was already the day we'd agreed to meet. Despite this, I still felt completely sleepy, as usual. This meant that while shopping with him, I might accidentally fall asleep... What would happen if he saw me?

"...I don't think he would do anything..."

I can't imagine that person doing such a bad thing.

After all, people with physical disabilities are likely to be discriminated against or bullied... and those who have experienced that wouldn't necessarily want to bully others. And he doesn't look like someone who's capable of any scheming. He even looks a bit... how should I put it... the kind of person who doesn't think about anything and has a big heart.

As expected, I still can't find any adjectives.

"But...it's really nice."

A guy like him could have slept soundly every night.

...My eyelids seemed heavy for the first time in a long time.

It's strange, I should have resisted... But, right now, I just can't cheer myself up.

.......

【Absurd words. Its blackness】

It’s actually hard for me to define what normal is.

For example, a man often isn't home due to a busy work schedule, which is perfectly normal. However, that doesn't mean a man who still has time for his family despite being busy at work is abnormal. Another example: I was once told to smile more and avoid crying. Both crying and laughing are perfectly normal, so what makes two people who should be on equal footing so different?

It's really strange.

“Crunch—Crunch—”

A slight cracking sound.

The scream from before was replaced by this sound. But if I hadn't mustered the courage to approach, I might not have heard this sound, which was new to me but made me feel very uncomfortable. Even if it was just a guess, I could conclude that this sound was definitely not normal.

And when I approached the source of the sound, what appeared before my eyes was.

Black. Normal black.

All I could see was black.

The black him and the black, small it.

And, there was... black liquid left on the floor. An unusual black liquid, or perhaps it wasn't black at all.

"...Ah...it's Joan..."

Along with his words. Abnormal words.

The air around me felt heavier than before. At the same time, I noticed that the black, tiny thing beneath my feet had lost its original appearance. It looked abnormal.

"..."

How should I react?

"...I'll take care of it right away, so could you please just wait aside for a moment?"

"......"

For a moment, I really wanted to follow his instructions and walk away. However, I ultimately didn't move my legs because I was staring at the soles of his feet. Under his normal feet, there was something abnormal.

"...I'll take you to the hospital right away, so wait a moment..." The door of the room slowly opened, covering his face and the scenery that I could see.

Abnormal scenery.

"..."

It was not until this moment that I suddenly realized that I had indeed lost something.

It’s still hard for me to define what is normal.

Unlike others, as a girl, I don't have a favorite stuffed animal, no friends my age to talk to or play with, and no hobbies. I look very different from others. Perhaps in the eyes of others, this is abnormal.

Even if I don't feel anything strongly about it, that's probably the truth. And abnormal people's families are definitely not normal either, so abnormal things happening in abnormal families are actually quite normal.

Is it normal to cause others to lose important things because of losing an important person?

I am not sure.

But what I do know is that when faced with the sadness I could feel, I did cry like a normal child.

.........

How should I describe it? It was like a videotape had reached its end and was automatically ejected by the machine. Now, after the dream had concluded, I woke up naturally.

The only thing in sight was the illuminated ceiling.

"......"

Is that a nightmare?

I didn't wake up from a dream, but rather slowly opened my eyes, and I didn't break out in a sweat. Was this normal or abnormal? I couldn't tell.

Outside the window, the night was still indistinguishable, and the lights in the house were still on as usual. Perhaps it was because of these lights that my dreams were not invaded by more darkness, otherwise I would have had nightmares. Dreams filled with more black, more...unspeakable nightmares.

"..."

He slowly sat up from the bed, rubbing his eyes which had relaxed a little, and no longer felt sleepy at all.

"what...."

It was as if he sensed something. The things hanging from the corners of his eyes weren't just eye mucus, but tears, something he hadn't seen in ages.

I knew it wasn't a physical reaction, but rather something swirling within me. After all, what just happened wasn't a dream; it was more like a memory of something I'd experienced.

Compared to memories, dreams offer more freedom. I can change many things, even if they're just imaginary and unrealistic... However, if it's just like watching a video, simply to remember those things, and there's no way to change them... then I'd rather give up the right to sleep.

Ah, this kind of thinking...is it normal or abnormal?

Gradually approaching time

Memories are like words written in the sand, constantly washed away by the tide of time. But before your memories are automatically or passively abandoned, if you take a moment to look back, you'll discover that not every problem is solved by yourself, and not every outcome is what you want.

Even though it's come to an end for me, the lives of others won't stop just because I stop paying attention. Whether I can notice it or not, everyone has their own life... and my presence has only slightly changed some of their choices.

Are those options correct? Besides, can it really only be described as "just"?

Perhaps those choices that seemed right at first glance were actually all wrong over time. After all, the general direction came from my thinking. In short, they mostly did what I wanted them to do because that was what I thought was best.

But...is what I consider best necessarily good for others? Perhaps I've gone too far in interfering with other people's choices. On the other hand, leaving things alone isn't an option either.

"Ah..." Even though he could sigh, he still couldn't utter the word "trouble" easily.

"Huhu——"

A chilly wind blew past me, urging me to keep going. However, I no longer felt the need to move forward. After walking for a while, my body gradually warmed up, so I could stay in one place for now and wait for the day to arrive.

What is it that I want to do?

I suddenly began to question myself. Not just this time, but even today, the purpose of what I was doing was already quite vague.

Simply wanting to help others solve their problems doesn't seem to be in line with my personality.

“…”

I hate trouble. I also hate people who are ungrateful even after receiving help. I hate people who take others' kindness for granted. I hate people who bully the weak by relying on their power to break the rules... There are many things I hate, but even just hating them won't make them go away.

So I understand that what I can do is quite limited.

"..."

Sitting on an empty bench, I huddled in to ward off the chill of the autumn morning. The morning light had already begun to show, meaning that soon, the sun would shine upon the city as usual. Only then would a new day officially begin.

If I wanted to clarify the doubts in my heart, today was the perfect opportunity. Although she hadn't said it directly or asked for help, I knew I couldn't just ignore it, pretending I hadn't noticed anything, and gradually disappear from her sight as time went by. If I did that, I would definitely regret it.

If I ignore it, I will definitely regret it. It seems to come from an experience long ago, like an obsession, deeply engraved in my mind.

"..."

However...after this, I should stop interfering in other people's affairs. This is the conclusion I came to after considering certain things and weighing the pros and cons.

Maybe I should really focus more on myself.

"yawn."

Under the dual effects of boredom and lack of sleep, the body can't help but send out signals indicating sleepiness.

However, I didn't dare open my mouth too wide, or it would hurt the wound. So this yawn was probably just a symbolic one, not providing much oxygen to my oxygen-deprived brain. All in all, it seemed I woke up too early.

...It's so boring. When will the sun rise again?

Chapter 16: Time is gradually approaching

"Wake up, how can you sleep here——"

"Well...well..."

It was then that I suddenly realized I had fallen asleep on a bench, supposedly waiting for someone. In the cold night, battered by the wind, I looked like a rebellious teenager who'd run away from home. While running away isn't necessarily a sign of rebelliousness, most people probably assume that... Now that I think about it, I might have left home too early.

The one who woke me up was the sanitation worker who was responsible for cleaning up the garbage.

"You'll freeze to death. It's better to go home quickly."

"Uh-huh."

Still dazed, I looked around and saw the city already bathed in the morning light. This meant the agreed time wasn't far away.