I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Um, are you okay?"

"Yeah." I nodded and stood up before he asked any more questions. I have to say, the moment I stood up, I realized that my legs were numb and stiff.

"..."

It seems like I've done something unnecessary again. If this adds another illness called "cold" to this pitiful body... well, forget it.

After regaining some clarity, I pulled out my phone from my chest and saw a recent text message from Yao Qiong. It said she'd be arriving around 7:00, meaning I still had about two hours of free time.

"..."

If I think about it carefully, my behavior is actually not much different from staying up late... No, it turns out that being blown by the cold wind is more harmful to the body.

..........

"Then, I'm going out."

Those two seemed much happier than usual. I hadn't heard anything happy about them before, like a raise or better pay. Of course, it wasn't that they weren't happy normally, it just seemed a little unusual.

Ah, I've thought it might be me. However, what happened to me shouldn't have anything to do with them, so I can't be sure. Anyway, neither of them raised any objections.

That alone was enough to move me. After all, before, I couldn't even leave the house, and even speaking depended on whether the person was in a good mood, otherwise I'd be punished as he pleased... Ah, I seem to have thought of him again without realizing it. I long ago planned to forget him, but now it seems the memory he left behind is too profound. It's like knowing a wound will hurt, but still unable to resist touching it. Now, no matter what happens, I can't help but think of him.

So...is this normal or abnormal?

"Is this your first time making friends?" my adoptive father asked me as he was clearing away the dishes. "Be careful with your words and actions...try not to offend anyone."

"...He's probably not the type to get angry over a single sentence."

Although I have no basis for this, I can sense that he is the type who gets angry and loses control.

"Even so, we should still pay attention."

"Well, I see."

Having said that, I don't really know how to avoid making people angry. Maybe it's because I lack common sense, or I can't tell the difference between normal and abnormal.

"It's a bit cold today, so you'd better wear this." As he said that, something was put around my neck.

I seem to have had a similar feeling before.

It's just that it's much thinner and narrower than a scarf, and it's very uncomfortable around the neck, making it hard to breathe. However, a scarf is something that keeps you warm and is soft, and if you don't pull too hard it won't make you uncomfortable, so I still like wearing it.

"Ah, thanks."

It should be normal to say this.

However, I still can't decide if it's appropriate to say something like this to my adoptive mother, even though I live with her in the same family. It might create a sense of alienation... Although I don't have any desire to get too close to them, after thinking about it, it's probably best to keep quiet.

"What are you thanking me for... There's nothing to thank me for." She seemed very conscientious as she wrapped the scarf around my neck. Actually, I wasn't very familiar with how to tie a scarf. For me, just wrapping it around my neck was fine, but since I was going out, I naturally had to be a little more careful. So, it was perfectly fine to give it to my adoptive mother.

"As long as you are happy, that's enough for us."

"Have I always been unhappy before this?"

Ah, I blurted it out instantly. Actually, I was just thinking back to myself... It's really weird.

I couldn't really tell what I was feeling. It hadn't been long since I'd been freed from my confinement, only to return to the unfamiliar life of campus life. Day after day, I was stuck doing the tasks assigned to me on a set schedule, and I had no idea how I felt about this life.

...is it normal to feel a little dull and bored?

"....Well.""...."

They seemed to be stumped by my question. Perhaps I shouldn't have asked questions that had no answers.

"That's not what I meant... As long as you feel happy, Joan, then there's nothing much for us to talk about." "Yeah, it's your own mood. Just feel happy."

...No. That shouldn't be the answer. I don't know how I feel, but his response implies I'm actually happy... This isn't normal. But since they've given me that kind of answer, I can't let them worry about my abnormality by showing it.

"oh, I understand now."

I didn't really understand anything, but I knew it was normal for them to do so.

"Well, by the way..." "Why do you have so many things to do? Joan's friends must be waiting anxiously." "Just one question, one last one." "..."

"....?"

Having already opened the door, I had to look back at them.

"Um...is your friend a boy or a girl?"

"..."

Is a friend's gender important? But there are only men and women in the world, right? Is it normal to know something like that? I'm not sure. But I'm not going to lie, and since I'm just telling him, it shouldn't matter.

"He's a boy. He's in the same grade as me."

This answer should be the normal choice.

A subtly different beginning

Logically, I should have had plenty of dating experience. But using this statement makes me feel like a two-timing scumbag... Besides, the activities on dates are probably pretty much the same, given the lack of entertainment options in this place. Well, actually, the entertainment isn't relevant. To use a cooking analogy, the entertainment is just seasoning; what really matters is the two people on the date. The two people going out on a date are the main ingredients.

"Um...."

I always feel that this metaphor is not very appropriate.

“Gurgle—ah…”

If the owner saw me swallowing my food with such pain on my face, he'd probably question his cooking skills. But even if I tried not to show it, the pain in my throat was still quite intense. Even swallowing small pieces was difficult... but it was still much better than just drinking water.

But if the owner just saw the tears in my eyes... he'd probably think I was having a hard time, or that I put too much chili in the dish. In short, it's a pretty troublesome situation.

"..."

Fortunately, the seat I chose was relatively far away, and there were not many people eating in the restaurant at that time, otherwise it would have turned into a rather awkward situation.

So, getting back to the point, whether this actually counts as a date is another matter. I'm more interested in what happened to her than in her as a person, so I just want to understand the whole story. But the most important thing is, I'm not the type to speak directly. Even if I can talk freely, I certainly wouldn't start by asking questions I'm confused about, completely disregarding the person's feelings. Some things really need to be taken slowly.

"..."

Besides, all the previous signs indicate that he's a bit lacking in common sense. Well, perhaps "a bit" isn't quite the right word. Anyway, there's no point in dwelling on this now. It's time to meet up, so I better pay and leave...

"Pah."

Just as I was about to stand up, a bowl suddenly appeared beside me, and in the bowl was a meal that I had not ordered.

"Huh?" Just as I was wondering and about to pick up my phone to type.

"This is a gift. Life must be tough like this."

“…”

It seems like I was misunderstood again.

Chapter 17: A Subtly Different Beginning

It seemed I was late. When I arrived, she had been waiting for a long time. When she noticed me, she simply turned towards me, with an indescribable expression on her face.

So I would roughly call it expressionless.

"Oh, it's really cold today."

"..."

How should I put it, it seems a bit rare.

When I'm a little late, my first words are neither a greeting like "Good morning" nor a reproach like "You're so late," but something that sounds quite normal.

It's really cold today, that's for sure. I can relate to that. I woke up so early, but ended up being late, and ended up freezing... Thinking about it makes me laugh. If I told anyone about this experience, they'd definitely think I was stupid.

"Ah."

I nodded.

Oh, that seems like a good start.

"Oh, it seems you are in a good mood today."

Maybe it was because of me. A smile gradually appeared on her expressionless face.

"Yeah~" I nodded heavily again.

"So, where do you think we should go first?"

............

"Eh? You're...you're going out with a guy..."

"Hmm... That's right."

I don't really understand why my adoptive father sounded so worried. He's also male, after all. And gender shouldn't be a factor in judging whether someone's personality is good or bad. ...Ah, is it because only men can understand men?

"...Where are we going?"

I don't usually hang out around here, so I have no idea about the entertainment facilities here, and I have no idea if the activities he likes will be to my liking...ah, but he looks normal, so I should be able to learn normal things.

"Do you like games?"

This question appeared on his phone screen. But I should have asked where to go... Ah, is this the normal way to answer?

"Well... I've hardly played any games." So I had no way of telling whether I was interested in it or not.

"How about we go play a game first?"

"...I don't have any objection."

He looked quite excited. It was hard to say, he just wanted to go.

"Hey, do you like games?"

It's normal to ask this question.

"Um...yeah." There was a hint of hesitation, but he still nodded.

It was then that I noticed he was wearing far thinner clothes than I was, and he wasn't wearing any warm clothing like a scarf or gloves. Even though he was smiling, the cold wind still made his face flush... I didn't quite understand, but I felt like I should have told him to wear more clothes.

"that...."

But when I was about to speak, the screen of my phone suddenly appeared in front of me, so I suppressed what I wanted to say.

"Games have given me a lot."

"...You mean something in reality?"

I'd vaguely heard someone say before that if you were good at games, you could enter competitions and win prizes. So, even though this guy in front of me didn't look particularly impressive, he must actually be pretty good.

"It's not material, but spiritual. I have a friend who loves reading and also loves games, which shows that games and books actually carry some of the same things."

I had to pause to read this rather lengthy passage. However, after reading it, I began to understand a little better...he probably didn't have anyone else to play games with. Normally, that "friend who loves reading" would be him.

He must be quite lonely, actually. So, am I the first friend he's made so far? It feels like he's in the same situation as me.

"Do you think I'd like it? Games."

It’s actually hard for me to try things I don’t understand because I don’t want to expose my abnormality. After all, if I act like I’ve never done anything familiar to others, people will notice something.

"To be frank, no matter who you are, as long as you learn a little bit about it, no one will refuse the game."

"..."

His eyes look determined. He seems to be very excited when he talks about this... Ah, yeah, it's perfectly normal to react like that when someone mentions something interesting. But when I think about it, I don't really have anything interesting to say, so I guess I can't act like a normal person...

"Hearing you put it that way..."

It always feels a bit strange to use this kind of sentence structure with someone I can't talk to. But it shouldn't matter.

"I'm starting to look forward to it too."

Saying this in this situation...should be a normal thing, right?

. . . . . . .

I gradually started to care about "normal" and "abnormal", probably when Xiao Hei had not yet disappeared.

If we're just trying to discern, then right or wrong is basically irrelevant. After something happens, things gradually become clearer, and just being aware of where you went wrong before is enough. Then, the next time you encounter a similar situation, you can make a similar inductive judgment.

But...when did you start to worry about "normal" and "abnormal"?

I'm not entirely sure. But even the haziest memories are bound to contain that person's face. A face that's both familiar and strange, yet one that invariably evokes fear in me.

Because the face was not ferocious, but there was no expression of joy or anger at all.