I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

However, I don’t know when it started, but this state of life gradually became a memory.

Ever since my father told me that I didn’t need to go to school anymore, my right to go out has been restricted.

"......"

After that, my memory became quite vague.

The most profound impression seemed to be the exhaust fan that kept humming on the wall, the incandescent light that only lit up when he was there, the dull air floating around... and the darkness that could not be dispelled no matter what.

How many times does it take to become a fear of it?

The earthworms in the experiment had to collide with the wall carrying electric current thousands of times before they could fully remember how to reach their destination without pain.

Sometimes I feel like a worm.

Without sight, without the right to scream, without even limbs... not even the freedom to crawl in the dirt. Just like that, watching the darkness pouring in from all directions, searching for a way out of the pain.

To me, darkness represents pain. This is an impression deeply etched in my mind after countless repetitions.

As long as I am in this darkness, I have no freedom.

So naturally I wanted to escape. But relying on my own limited strength, it was too difficult to escape.

In this situation, all I could do was pray for relief in my remaining weak consciousness and almost suffocated senses.

If I cannot be freed from this miserable life, then at least my soul can be freed from this suffering body.

I kept praying. I don't know how long I kept repeating this. When hope was about to turn to despair... my eyes, which had long lost the ability to tell whether they were still shedding tears, finally saw a glimmer of light.

"...your father..."

This is the notification I waited for.

Finally "left" this world.

Looking into other people's eyes makes you unable to see yourself

To be frank, I'm pretty clueless right now. Perhaps it's because the peaceful life I've always dreamed of has already been achieved, so there's nothing left to pursue... In short, I'm pretty easily satisfied now. And since I'm easily satisfied, I don't ask for anything... Whether it's family or friendship, I don't have the resources to "return" anything, so naturally, I don't even think about giving back.

A lifestyle that ignores the efforts of others is no big deal to me.

"Then we can hang out during our break."

It seemed like after a brief consideration, after I thought about something, the phone screen with the reply written on it was finally placed in front of me.

By the way, it’s incredible to say the least.

The boy in front of me was someone I'd only just met by chance. He didn't seem to be able to speak at the moment, but he could hear people talking... maybe he lost his voice later. All in all, I could barely communicate with him now.

"Well, then do as you wish."

Having said that, if I sensed anything was amiss I would definitely run away.

I can't trust anyone completely, not even the two people who took me in. Let alone someone I just met by chance... Even though he doesn't look threatening, it's naive to judge someone by appearance.

These smiles, those casual conversations, were nothing more than imitations, imitating those "normal" people who accepted them as normal. I couldn't tell what lay beneath their smiles, just as they couldn't tell if mine was genuine. But the truth is, regardless of whether the conversations and smiles were genuine, if the imitation was convincing enough, others would never be able to discern what was going on.

"Then it's settled."

His eyes narrowed slightly, and he looked as tired as I did.

Perhaps this sparked my curiosity, and I wanted to know if we had similar experiences. Or perhaps I just wanted him to teach me more about how to get along with others... In short, I haven't distanced myself from him yet.

"Well, it's settled then."

Chapter 11: Looking into other people's eyes and not being able to see yourself

After confirming the time to go out, I actually felt a little happy for the first time in a long time.

I'm not sure what I'm so happy about, though. I haven't had a proper meal lately, and if I exercise vigorously, I'll probably pass out from low blood sugar. If I have to worry, I should worry about my health.

...But my eyes can't see my own eyes. If someone in need appears before me, I will naturally and subconsciously ignore myself.

"Um...."

After a moment's reflection, it occurred to me: Isn't this just asking a girl out on a date? And we've only known each other for a few days... Hmm. But compared to someone carrying someone up a mountain after knowing them for less than a month, even with leg pain, this is probably just a normal thing... Well, if I could become the protagonist in a manga or anime, I'd probably be a harem king or something.

“…”

Although I don't expect it.

Perhaps I simply wish that the people around me, those I stumble upon, those who catch my eye... could live more or less like ordinary people. And this desire must be born out of... jealousy. If everyone were as ordinary as me, then there would be no highs and lows in the world...

"Long time no see! Junior—!"

There was a sudden roar. It was quite sudden, and it came from a place I least expected.

"Mmmmm--cough cough cough!"

I subconsciously wanted to scream, but it triggered the pain in my throat, so I started coughing uncontrollably.

"Eh, eh? Such a big reaction?" Senior Jia, who suddenly jumped out of the bushes, was naturally startled by me. He hurried over to pat my back, trying to soothe my cough. "Sorry, sorry, I saw you talking to another girl just now, so I didn't have the nerve to go over and talk to you... I wanted to ambush you here, but now it seems a bit too much."

"Cough...cough..."

"It's not Senpai's fault, my throat has been feeling uncomfortable lately."

"Oh...it's been so long, how come you've become just typing?" He asked, stroking his chin. "Is this some kind of performance art?"

"It's just that I can't speak for a while."

"I see...it feels a bit miserable." Despite saying this, his expression was relaxed. It was unclear whether it was genuine sympathy.

"By the way, what do you want to talk to me about, Senior?"

"Don't you think this way of talking is like a necromancer in a certain anime?"

“Hmmmmmm—!”

I nodded as best I could while pointing at the words I had just typed. I didn't want to be sidetracked.

"Oh, alright, alright... I was just joking and talking off topic. I actually wanted to talk to you about something, but seeing how you're acting now... I'm afraid it might be difficult to have a conversation."

"As long as you control your speech speed and don't interrupt me, that's all."

"This is really difficult for me." He couldn't help but laugh. "Although in the club, people generally think you are quite mature despite your young age, but I think that some of your personality is as innocent as a child."

"No."

I'm probably not that young.

"Well, let's just assume it's nothing." He sighed slightly and took out his phone from his pocket. "Anyway, if this is the only way you can talk, then I'll leave your contact information."

"..."

What a surprise! I thought he came to see me on behalf of his seniors' club... but now it seems that's not the case.

"Okay, this way during class..." He muttered to himself as he put the phone back.

"Don't use your phone during class! You're already a senior, right? Is this really okay?"

I quickly typed these words and held them up in front of his eyes.

"...It's about a balance between work and rest. As long as I don't get caught playing on my phone, it's fine."

"It's not about whether you're discovered or not. Don't you think about the future, senpai?"

Although, I don't think I've ever considered something like this, but I always feel like I have reasons to ask others to do so...considering the future or something.

"Whether you consider it or not is my business. As a junior, all you need to do is watch carefully." He suddenly raised his hand and tapped my forehead. "And don't forget that you're a sophomore now, and you're one of those 'seniors' that everyone else is talking about. Instead of worrying about me, why don't you think about your own affairs first?"

“…”

"Come to think of it, I haven't really asked you before." As if remembering something, he showed an interested expression, "Hey, what do you want to do in the future? The country."

It may be difficult to change now.

There are so many things I want to do, but no one asks.

For example, try to play all the games that you are interested in, read all the interesting comics that you have heard of, eat delicacies that you have never eaten in your life... In any case, there should be more than one answer that can be given.

But those aren't what I want to do. Because, at its core, whether it's games or comics, as a player or reader, they're just things to pass the time. Perhaps, they simply help me forget about not knowing what to do.

"I'm not sure yet."

So, when people ask me what I want to do, I usually get lost for a moment. It's probably because I don't have the ability to think about the future... I have no talent, no interest, and I'm only mildly interested in many things, so I have no idea what I can accomplish.

"I see." As if he had guessed it long ago, a smile appeared on his face. "Although I don't really want to interfere with you...but if you ask me, you are indeed suitable for the path of creation."

"Um?"

"After all, you don't like delving into science, do you? Besides, I've read some of your writing before, and it seems quite interesting... Since you don't have a clear definition of what you like, why not just give it a try?"

“…”

At this point, I suddenly realized my other identity. If I were to talk about creation, I'm probably still creating... and if I mentioned it to others, I'd probably get a few compliments. But in my opinion, what I've achieved is quite superficial. If I had to say it, I'm just learning as I go... and the longer I work, the more I realize my shortcomings. Creation is endless, and it's always subject to change... I don't have the talent or confidence to innovate, so all I can do is a crude imitation.

"I'll probably consider it."

Incidentally, submissions have been going smoothly lately, so Xiaoye hasn't had much reason to contact me. Plus, she's supposedly been taking care of other things, so she's been a bit busy lately... I have to admit, my resistance to working was the right decision. But on the other hand, when I think about it, it seems like there won't be much else I can do in the future besides work.

"Probably... Since it's an answer, it's better to be decisive. Well, okay." He didn't seem to agree with this statement, but still didn't say much. "Anyway, let's get in touch later."

Then he patted my shoulder and walked away.

It seems my senior is also leaning towards creative pursuits... After all, I know this well; he has talent in this area. But to persuade me based solely on this seems a bit far-fetched. Besides, isn't it a bit too late to find something I enjoy at this point?

“…”

No, if we can really find it... maybe it's not too late.

Chapter 12: It might be difficult to change things now

I remember a long time ago...was it really that long ago? I'm a little fuzzy. Anyway, I remember in elementary school, after the class had gotten to know each other, the teacher would gather us in front of the podium and ask us what we wanted to do in the future.

Maybe it was because I didn't understand what "what to do" actually meant, but when everyone else was ready to answer that they wanted to be a police officer, a scientist, or something like that, I was the only one who said...

"I want to get a cat."

This answer made a lot of people laugh at the time. But when I think about it, it seems there's nothing wrong with it... because I just want a cat, no matter the color, personality, or breed. Just a cat is enough.

"That answer doesn't count. Think carefully about what you want to do in the future."

I don't really have any idea of ​​what those things are. Also, I'm pretty vague about what I want to do...and if I really had to talk about it, it would only be about things related to my current aspirations.

It might sound ridiculous, but that's all I could think about at the time. Instead of dwelling on things you might not be able to achieve in the future, it's better to think about what you can achieve now.

"Well, I still want to be... a teacher."

Actually, I don’t want to be one.

But everyone else basically answered what they wanted to do, so in order to be consistent with them, I had to say something similar to them. As for why I want to be a teacher... maybe it's just because the question was asked by a teacher. If it was asked about other professions, I would answer the corresponding profession.

industry.

This result wasn't hard to predict; the teacher was genuinely beaming. As long as they hear something nice, everyone is generally happy... Anyway, that's pretty much what I understand.

..........

Come to think of it, it's been a long time since I've laughed or cried from the bottom of my heart. Even though I remember there was a period of time when I was constantly crying...it was just my body acting out of control.

People often say that crying won't solve problems.

This is indeed the case...So I not only hate darkness, but I also hate tears. Just as I want to let go of unnecessary emotions, I also want to let go of the series of behaviors that come with emotional fluctuations.

"..."

However, I always feel that this is difficult to do. I feel that I am still in a state of uncertainty, just like before.

"Let's go out and play during our break."

This was the first time anyone had suggested something like this to me. I didn't really enjoy playing with others as a kid, and there didn't seem to be many kids my age around where I lived. Should I say it was my own introversion or the environment? In short, I had no idea what "going out to play" meant.

Besides, parents probably don't want their children to neglect their studies because of playing...at least that's what I heard.

"What's wrong, June...you look like you want to say something."

"Eh..."