I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Oh, yeah." She seemed to have just noticed the problem. "So...so, we, we should...uh, what should we do?"

“…”

Chapter 9: The Falsehood Spliced ​​Together by Reality and Reality

Some seemingly ordinary things would be incredible if you knew the truth. But explaining them is quite troublesome, so even though I have experienced many things that others may never experience in their lifetime, I still try my best to act like a normal person.

Whether it's simply following the crowd or something so complicated that it's hard to talk about, even if everyone around you behaves quite normally, there will definitely be some people with unusual experiences among them.

Well... I'm not saying that unusual experiences will make people abnormal, but when judging whether a person is normal, we will more or less refer to his or her experiences... I guess.

"Qiong! You should go to bed early today."

It's hard to tell whether her tone is concerned or cold, but since she reminds me every day, I can still conclude that... she cares about me.

"understood."

I responded as usual, silently turning off the main lights in the room, but not the desk lamp. No matter what, I wanted to keep the room lit.

"Although good grades are indeed the result of hard work...you should still be careful not to hurt yourself."

Perhaps he noticed that my desk lamp was still on, and the reminder came through the door.

"Yeah...I know. I'll go to bed right away."

Having said that, I probably won’t be going to sleep tonight.

"Um...can I come in for a moment?"

"..." Although it was a bit abrupt, I agreed, "Of course."

"that..."

The woman who gently pushed the door open entered a middle-aged woman. Perhaps to appear younger, she had her hair permed and dyed brown. I didn't quite understand the point of this, but if it gave her the illusion of youthfulness, then that was fine.

"I made some food for you. You must be hungry so late, right?"

"..."

If it were an ordinary family, I mean, if I were really her child or something, what should I say?

After a brief thought, I couldn't seem to come to any conclusion. Furthermore, I had just missed the best time to respond, so I simply remained silent.

"...Actually, there's no need to think otherwise. I understand that you want to study hard and repay us later. However, there's no need to force yourself with this idea. We don't want anything from you. As long as you live the life you love, that's enough. Don't feel like you owe us anything..."

"..."

Actually, I don’t have such an idea.

The reason I chose to read was because I had nothing to do, or to be more precise, nothing I wanted to do.

But looking at her relieved expression, for some reason, I had the urge to hide this idea.

"Yeah." I nodded and took the tray from her.

"Again, take care of your health."

"....Um."

Perhaps in the eyes of others, she and I have a perfectly normal mother-daughter relationship. We go shopping together, I help her carry things, help her make decisions about what to buy, and then... we chat and laugh.

"Your daughter is really obedient."

This is something I hear often.

"Right?"

Maybe she really thought so. In any case, in front of others, she admitted it naturally, as if it was true.

"I'll definitely be as beautiful as you in the future." "I'm becoming more and more like you."

When similar topics were brought up, she would just keep smiling and avoid responding directly. I always smiled and remained silent, observing everything calmly. But I knew very well that although she appeared calm, she must be deeply complicated inside, and that kind of complexity...someone like me might never understand it in my lifetime.

Sometimes I'd think about what I had done wrong. I wouldn't normally think about it, but my thoughts are just weird... once they start, they'll go in all sorts of directions.

"..."

With the sudden onset of fatigue and the gradual fading darkness outside the window, I finally came to a conclusion... which wasn't quite right.

If I didn't exist, things would be much better.

Memories spliced ​​together by numbness and darkness

You actually asked me what to do about this kind of thing... Although I was a little reluctant, I still tried to bring it up.

"Do you have any contact information?"

After all, it looked a bit like I was actively trying to get close to her. Asking for a girl's contact information...it would be considered premeditated by anyone.

"Contact information...do you mean phone numbers, internet accounts, or something like that?"

What the hell is this "Internet Account" thing? This is the first time I've heard of such a name. But I'll just ignore it for now.

"Yes, do you have a cell phone number?"

"Yes, I do, but I don't use it very often... and I don't use computers very often either. Doesn't that sound a bit behind the times?" With a slightly shy tone, she told me about the areas she wasn't good at.

"No... I just feel like there aren't many people who are this retro these days."

"So this is considered retro? I thought you weren't out of date in everyday life... Well, does that mean, Sheji, you're actually pretty good at using the internet on your phone or computer, right?"

"..." "I can't say I'm an expert, but I can still play games and connect with others."

"Really? Then I'll tell you my phone number. Anyway, didn't I tell you which class I'm in? You can come find me when you're free."

"Uh-huh."

Having said that, I'd better not try to implement it. Of course, the fact that I didn't get caught that time doesn't count.

"Then let's get along well from now on."

"Yeah, of course." She smiled and nodded, "But what do we need to do to get along well?"

"..." "It should be to do something that can relax yourself or the other person, other than arguing."

I've written it down, but I feel like this explanation is a bit subtle... Never mind, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

"Of course we can't argue. It certainly doesn't count as an argument if I'm the only one talking~"

"..." She really likes to bring up this matter...

"But, what do you mean by relaxing the other person? What do you think would make you feel relaxed?"

"Hmm..." "Probably playing games or shopping. What about you? What do you do that relaxes you most?"

"I'm not very good at playing games, and isn't the point of shopping to buy things? When she and I...and my family go shopping together, I have to carry things for them. That can't be considered relaxing, right?" This was the first thing she noticed.

"You don't have to buy things when you go shopping, right?"

"Why go if you're not going to buy anything? Isn't that just a waste of energy? That's weird...isn't everyone like this?" She seemed to have no common sense in this area.

"It's pretty much like this."

Although I didn't want to admit it, I was dragged out for a walk several times during the summer vacation.

"Is that so... But I really don't have anything that makes me relax..." She closed her eyes and thought for a moment, then suddenly opened them, "I do feel more relaxed when I touch Xiao Hei."

...So you like animals?

"But it's still safer to be alone."

"Then let's go to the zoo." I deleted the words before I even typed them. If I hadn't said that, I might have suggested it directly... Should I have said, "What a close call..."

"Should I leave here then?"

Maybe I've been disturbing her peace.

"Huh? Why are you leaving?"

After saying that, he still looked confused.

"You just said you like being alone." I'm beginning to doubt whether she really only has a three-second memory.

"Ah, that's true... After all, I'm not very good at communicating with others." She smiled sheepishly, "But, I feel like you're different from ordinary people. Even though you're right next to me, I feel like... I'm all alone."

"..." This means that my sense of existence is low...

"Anyway, I should be able to do it if I get along with you."

"That's perfect."

I don't know how to respond anymore.

"But I don't know exactly how to do it... If possible, can I leave everything to you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Of course, you said we should get along well... what exactly should we do."

Chapter 10: Memories Spliced ​​Together with Numbness and Darkness

If we simply push things forward from the results, it is essentially meaningless. We cannot change anything, and we will also feel pain because of the memories.

"She must be feeling very bad, right?" "That child keeps things to herself... Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

I once accidentally saw the two of them talking about something related to me.

In fact, I no longer have any feelings about this kind of thing.

Maybe it’s because the pain didn’t happen to me, so I can’t feel it yet. Or maybe it’s because the pain I once experienced hasn’t gone away yet, so I don’t regard those feelings that are much lighter as so-called “pain”.

Besides, all they knew was that I'd lost my parents, and the pity she felt was based on what she knew. So that's it... I don't really enjoy showing my scars to others.

"..."

I once thought about explaining it, but the thought of her covering her face with tears in her eyes made me give up. That would only worry her more... Perhaps it would be better for those things to fade from my mind over time. As long as I don't tell anyone, no one will know. And those things that happened to me will fade away with the passage of time, as my life gradually draws to a close.

But how long will that take?

"This is your room."

I still remember the first day I arrived at their home. When they smiled and showed me my room, and then asked me if I needed anything else...

"I want... a room with big windows. Big enough to let all the sunlight shine into the room."

Having remained silent throughout the journey, I finally made my request to them. It was a strange request. Not only them, but I found it strange too... But when I saw that the room was only illuminated by its own light, I felt a strong sense of repulsion.

A closed room, lit only by a light... These factors always trigger bad memories in me, and those memories are always directed at one person, even though he is no longer with us.

"Oh...oh, yes, it's troublesome if the lighting is bad." "It's okay, it's just a small matter."

"Anything else?"

Now, the man in front of me with a gentle smile should be related to him, my father, by blood. But I just can't connect the two of them.

But there is nothing to worry about, now he has become the one who adopted me.

If he had been my father from the beginning, I might have had a normal life and a chance to know what normality really is. However, in the end, it was just a thought.

I'm actually very confused.

Although he was confused, he still shook his head to indicate that he was not dissatisfied with anything else.

"Then wait a moment. I'll tidy up the room upstairs." "Just sit on the sofa and wait."

The soft sofa is even softer than my previous bed. I never thought I would come into contact with something like this...

Why is this so.

I had rarely had any contact with them before, so what right did I have to deserve such concern from them?

Was it simply a concern born of that thin layer of blood relationship... or was it the inherent kindness of human beings... I don't understand. At least, neither concern nor kindness, I had never clearly felt in others before.

"..."

But one thing I know for sure is that I've completely broken away from my previous life. At least, that's true on a material level.

........

Actually, I don’t know much about the school.

This is perhaps what makes me different from others. Before my mother left, I was just like my peers, going to school five days a week, then having two days off, and having holidays called winter vacation and summer vacation.