I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

And now Ye Hui must have been taken away by that Lin Chenruo. A troublesome guy is still a trouble.

"...Really...why do you have to run?"

"Although I share the same thought, if something exists, there must be a reason for it," I responded. "And the disappearance of certain things certainly has a reason as well."

“…Oh no.”

She sat down next to me.

"But most of the so-called reasons are created by people themselves." It is precisely because of people's arrogance, because of this arrogant mentality...that things in the world are so easy to explain and are more easily accepted by others.

"Let's not talk about that for now... Ugh... You seem very busy lately. If you don't participate in club activities... I still have the right to ask... Although I don't really care, hmm."

"Actually, it's not a big deal."

"Oh--"

"Go to the library and read a book...or something like that." Anyway, it's just an excuse to evade her. It would be better to choose a reason that suits her better.

"...I can't believe that someone like you would choose to go to the library. Heh—"

"..."

This guy's lifestyle is really...

"Why, are you dissatisfied with what I said?"

"No...no."

I'm not in the mood to pay attention to her unreasonable behavior now.

"Hey, don't you think it's weird?"

He didn't look at me, but pretended to think of it by chance and brought it up.

"What?"

"Once you get used to something, even if you find it quite annoying... you seem to become inseparable from it."

"Yeah."

Sadly, these words are of no use to me. Having never personally experienced those times, I have no idea how important what she said truly is.

"Yeah, at first... that guy was pretty annoying. Small, loud, and had an air of superiority. In short, he was annoying."

"..."

Speaking of being petty and noisy, and not very respectful of others, you yourself are not much better... well, forget it.

"I was originally thinking... to curb her arrogance or something. Who knew, she'd turn out to be the type that wouldn't give up no matter how hard she tried... She's like a clingy creeper, annoying as hell, but you just can't get rid of her... Maybe I made a mistake in letting her join in the first place."

"Um..."

I feel like she talked unexpectedly a lot today.

"You... you were pretty annoying when you first joined. But the fact that you're not noisy allows me to ignore you. Overall, you're not that annoying."

"...Um."

Anyway, it's not about me.

"If only it had always been me from the beginning..."

"..."

"Oh, it seems I've said too much to a lowly creature like you. With your almost nonexistent thinking ability, it will probably take a while for you to understand." She stood up and said, "...I know you're busy looking for food. But, you still have to come to club activities occasionally."

"That's true..." I responded absentmindedly.

"Otherwise I will consider removing you."

"Hey..."

This should be considered a threat.

"Humph--"

After leaving this ambiguous interjection, she slowly left my sight.

“…Oh.”

This is really...

.............

If there were no accidents, everyone would want to live a good life in this world.

Even though life will eventually come to an end... the lives that come to this world will never easily give up the opportunity to continue living. Why is this so? Can it only be explained by the unconvincing so-called "instinct"?

so tired.

Was it because the physical test just now consumed too much physical energy, or was it because my spirit was involuntarily weak... Whatever the case, my eyes closed involuntarily.

"What happened..." "Someone seems to be..." "It took you so long to find out..." "I heard the family has been looking for them for days..."

Just standing there in the crowd, pretending to be clueless and that he was just an...indifferent passerby.

"Get out of the way! Stop looking!"

In reality, they were treated that way. As if they had nothing to do with this, they couldn't help but step aside as the crowd moved... yet their gaze remained fixed on the now-isolated open space.

Empty lot...is that really empty?

"ah...."

Not only was my heart beating abnormally, but I also realized something and stepped back slightly.

"So that's how it is..."

What I expect is actually this result after all... It won't attract the attention of others, and then... No one will understand my thoughts. If I just disappear like this, I won't even have any chance.

"Is this the only result you want?"

I asked myself this question.

“Crack—”

My teeth clenched tightly together, as if trying to crush something... but I couldn't figure out why.

“....!”

"Ah! So you're awake..."

I suddenly looked up when I sensed something approaching, but now it seems that the one who was frightened was the one who called me.

"Oh, yes."

I responded, rubbing my eyes.

"The get out of class is over, and everyone in the class is almost leaving." So Lin Yi, the class monitor, took the initiative to call me...

"Is that so... Then I will too..."

As I said that, I tried to stand up.

"are you OK?"

"It's just my legs that are a little weak, nothing else. I'll probably be sore all over tomorrow," I replied helplessly. "That's what happens when you don't exercise."

"Well... that's true, but what I mean is that you seem very tired lately."

"...Is there?"

It seems like I have never shown this side of me to her before.

"Well, although you certainly didn't complain, and I certainly didn't notice it before," she thought for a moment, "but, how should I put it... I always feel like you're forcing yourself. Somehow, it feels like you're trying too hard."

“…”

Hmm... maybe it means that my behavior doesn't quite match my previous feelings. It's normal to feel this way.

"If it was just out of favor, there's no need to exhaust yourself like this. Look... even though we've known each other for a year..."

"...What favor?"

I interrupted her.

"Eh? That's... that..."

"Well, that's true. After all, we've known each other for a year. It's normal to have such thoughts." I sighed. "Class monitor, you don't think that I care about you a little, so you think that everything I do is for you, right?"

"Hey... well... I just..."

No excuses needed.

Just looking at this reaction makes it clear.

"But I did all that because I wanted to... and being with you was just a coincidence."

Because I know what will happen, I need to end it while things are still uncertain.

If it were brought into a game...it would probably be called "pulling the flag"...or something like that.

"Please don't overthink it. If it happened to someone else, the result would be the same."

根须

When the units of time, such as "years," "months," and "days," are mentioned casually, most people generally don't have any real sense of it. Only when they look back occasionally do they suddenly realize that a considerable amount of time has actually passed.

"what..."

How long has it been? It was so long ago when I gave up my old lifestyle... Now it seems quite difficult to go back to it.

The memories I had previously discarded seemed to be constantly being recalled... To be more precise, they seemed to be trying to return to my memory. So, the question was... should I accept them again?

Looking back, the past wasn't anything good... Just recalling a few memories from elementary school has already shaken him up. The question is, what made me want to let go of those memories?

“——————”

Okay, I really can't remember. My former self was quite strong to have achieved this... at least much stronger than my changed self. I've become a naive loser who only knows how to feign melancholy all day... If I'd known this would happen, maybe I should have chosen a different path.

A crude optimist.

This word is the perfect way to judge myself, someone who claims to advocate giving up. He—or I, for that matter—sees giving up as merely an excuse to escape or ignore something, when the goal is simply to see the light. Directing people's gaze toward hope and light...at first glance, it seems like a powerful act, but it's ultimately a crude one.

Treating only the surface...is absolutely useless. The scars underneath may seem harmless, but they will still worsen over time.

"What does it matter..."

What connection do those people have with me, with the worries and pain they're experiencing? If I try to avert their gaze without permission, it might just lead to more serious problems, right? It's best to just ignore them.

Of course I know... because I'm the type who can't offer help to others. Even if I try, it will only backfire.

"Ah... trouble."

Therefore, the best option is to not let those people get close to you.

Chapter 20 [Multiple Perspectives] Roots

"Well...well, I've liked you for a long time..."

Strangely, I seem to have developed an immunity to this kind of talk. A few years ago, I would have been overwhelmed by it, but now I don't feel anything at all.

"I'm glad you said that..."

However, there was someone she had to see. She wouldn't accept anyone else until she got his approval and truly expressed her feelings.

"but..."

"Is that so? Well, that's true..."

Trembling voice.

It felt so familiar... just like how I'd felt before. I ignored the feelings of inferiority that welled up inside me, as if I couldn't even put them into words.

"After all, Jiayin, you are so outstanding... and I am just a..."

"Please do not do this."

"That's not the case, Kanon, you're excellent...very excellent..."

It was as if he was talking about myself back then. Everything he had said to me came flooding back to me.

"..."