I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

“What should I do…”

. . . . . . . . . .

"Dong dong——"

The heart is still beating normally.

But my body seemed to be restrained by something... I gave up struggling and just sat on something, waiting quietly.

The darkness before my eyes gradually dissipated.

"So that's it..."

The scene I had been trying to avoid finally appeared before my eyes. Although I had prepared myself mentally, I still didn't want to recall it if I could.

"You...you bastard! What are you doing? Why are you doing that?!"

The face twisted with sorrow is now completely forgotten due to fear, but the unspeakable truth is etched in my mind.

"Does it have anything to do with you?! Do you think what you did was right?! Huh?! Huh?! Huh?!"

The continuous rhetorical questions filled with anger and sadness, accompanied by labor pains, left traces in my memory again and again.

That was the first time... In short, I began to think about whether what I was doing was meaningful. And whether my seemingly helpful actions were really helpful to others.

“Ah…ah…”

I want to say something.

But in the end, I still couldn't make any sound.

"He's simply... a plague..."

To that person whose face I had forgotten, I was nothing more than a bringer of misfortune and bad luck. I accepted this from the bottom of my heart.

“It will bring misfortune to others.”

It's like a label; once you accept it, you'll naturally change in that direction. Not only will happiness not be retained, it will even dissipate... If that's the case, what reason do I have to exist around people?

"...I want to die..."

I don't know how, inadvertently, I came up with this idea.

Ah, that seems good.

Maybe it would be better to find a deserted place and jump from a high place to end your worthless life.

But... after truly understanding that fact, what I felt was... an instinctive fear, and many things that I couldn't understand.

“Pah—”

Shattered.

"what...."

The blurry scene before my eyes dissipated with the help of external forces. All I could see was the familiar classroom of my daily life, and the worried look on the face of my homeroom teacher.

That's not right. There shouldn't be people around me.

"Did I fall asleep..."

The voice was a little hoarse for a moment. It seemed as if he had slept for quite a while...

"What do you think--" She helplessly rolled up the textbook and hit me on the head, but it didn't hurt.

"Although it's exhausting to keep doing homework I'm not good at and helping out every morning, it's class time after all... I should probably persevere a bit."

The words were also much softer than before.

"Oh...sorry."

I thought of something I didn't want to remember. Even though most of it disappeared with the end of the dream, some of it remained... things I had forgotten before.

Ah, my heart seems to be beating fast. I know it's not because I was woken up suddenly, but for other reasons.

"Forget it, I won't bother with it this time."

She looked at me and sighed, with a hint of worry in her eyes.

"You can't listen to the class when you're drowsy. Go to the bathroom and wash your face." She waved towards the door.

"Um..."

The moment I stood up, I always felt that my body was very heavy, and my heart seemed to be filled with some unnecessary emotions.

If it's something you want to let go of, why are you so stubborn about returning to me?

“…”

Inadvertently, I rubbed my eyes.

"Ah... trouble."

I don't need this kind of thing either.

...........

Not everyone needs sympathy.

[Um, I feel so sad~]

People like this...

[Oh, I feel so tired of living. I don't know why I should live anymore... I might as well just commit suicide.]

There are such people.

As long as you say this, if you want to give up your life, there will always be someone to dissuade you and comfort you. There is always a lack of people in the world who need comfort or who need comfort.

"Wow——"

Sympathy and comfort are not omnipotent.

“Swish—”

To give an inappropriate example, compassion in the eyes of the public is like water...it is indispensable and very useful most of the time. It can change the world and even make the world go round.

However, water alone is certainly not enough.

Besides, are those who seek water really the ones who need water?

He scooped up the water flowing from the faucet and splashed it on his face.

In my opinion, those who show their insignificant wounds on the one hand and use them to show that they are not truly sympathetic on the other hand are just putting on a poor show and forcing others to participate.

To put it bluntly, it's disgusting.

I say this because I know that things always happen suddenly.

Even if there have been more or less signs before, no one will pay attention to it before it happens. Only after it happens will people express so-called "sympathy" and say a few words of agreement.

Sympathy cannot solve many problems, let alone that kind of hypocritical sympathy. At best, it is just garbage that can be used to pretend to be justice.

Ah, are the things that people experience arranged intentionally by someone?

"...What on earth is this..."

Everything in the world, everything that happens, is it meaningless, or is it meant to happen? I can't figure it out anymore... If everything that happens has meaning, then why do such absurd things happen?

But, if it is meaningful... then if the things I saw happened with a purpose... what exactly are they trying to tell me?

If you want me to play a guessing game, then give me a clue, asshole...

"Crackle"

The water stopped flowing.

But no one would tell me any clues.

The childish figure in the mirror had long since disappeared, replaced by one that looked just as I imagined.

"As I thought... Is that really the case?"

The self in the mirror gave a mocking smile.

呓语

The people around me are always discussing the meaning of life, but they still haven't come to any conclusion.

This seems quite normal to me.

“Come on—” “Only one lap left—”

Someone reminded me of this, but I didn't have the energy to figure out where these words came from.

Every time I feel that I am still alive, it may be when I accidentally think of something I don’t want to remember, and also... when I occasionally run with all my strength.

“Ha… huh…”

Every breath caused pain in my chest. My feet weren't tired, but the pain would only worsen if I continued running, so my body kept telling me... I needed to stop. Consequently, my pace kept decreasing. Faces I couldn't see ran past me one by one... Even if someone wanted to help, there was no way to do it in this situation.

So, I don’t need or want help.

"what....."

I really want to stop...both running and life.

But this won't work. You can't stop until you reach the end. Your body mechanically keeps moving, bit by bit, toward a path others have already traversed... It's like a heavy weight has been placed on your shoulders, an inescapable burden. This is how most people approach the end of their lives.

"It's really... troublesome..."

The celestial bodies I've gazed at countless times still shone with unwavering energy today. The heat from my body's energy consumption and movement contrasted with the slightly chilly breeze... My body felt even more uncomfortable.

Isn't the so-called meaning something that people give it to themselves?

"Four minutes and eighteen seconds... No, I have to keep trying."

I was patted on the shoulder and told the result.

So, nearly five meaningless minutes of my life have passed... Please spare me.

"Thank you for your hard work. Running such a long distance... must you be tired?"

"Ah...um..."

Talking to a girl while panting is probably rude, so I ignored her. There was no one else... After Ling Shen, whom I had never met, left, besides Rinquanchuan, the only girl named Yehui was willing to approach someone like me.

"Um... would you like some water?"

As he spoke, a bottle of unopened drink was handed to me.

"...Thank you." It's better not to be polite about this kind of thing. "You've been a great help."

"It's not that serious... I just think that the way you're running hard is still the same as before... ah, no, how should I put it..."

"Gugu...ah?"

What exactly did she want to express by saying this?

"Anyway, you did very well today." She smiled and looked to the side. "Well, I'm almost going to take the test, so you should just rest well."

"Um..."

I didn't have the energy to talk. I just watched her run towards the playground where the girls were gathered.

"..."

If she were still alive, how would I live my life?

Chapter 19: Whispering

"...Want a drink?"

After much deliberation, I handed the unopened drink in my hand to Rinquanchuan who was approaching breathlessly.

"...Although...although...as lowly as a bug...but, at least..."

"Okay, it's like this now, so just say less." I feel tired just listening to her talk.

"Humph..."

Quite unconvinced, she snatched the drink away. Originally, it was meant to be a reward for Ye Hui... after all, I'm the type who doesn't like to owe anyone anything. But since I've already given it to Miss Lin, I'll probably find another way to return the favor.