I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"...No...It's okay."

Maybe that's just my illusion...

杂落

"Have you finished collecting it?"

Lin Yi, who had been waiting at the door, looked at me and asked.

"Um..."

I carried the exercise book slowly towards her with some difficulty.

"Would you like me to help you share some..."

"No need... I can still accept this weight."

The reason it's a bit strenuous is probably due to my mental state... I haven't been sleeping well lately. It's strange, once I start thinking, it's hard to stop. Even though I know the brain is a voracious organ and I understand that my energy is limited, just like everyone else's... Still, I've finally stumbled upon something interesting, so it's not too much to invest a little time in it.

"I always feel that..."

"Hmm? What?"

I looked at Lin Yi who seemed to be hesitant to speak.

"Ah, I always feel that it's a bit difficult to explain..." She hesitated for a moment, "It's just... Look, Sheji, you haven't fallen behind in your studies recently. You've even become the deputy monitor, and occasionally help the teacher in the office next door... It seems that Sheji, you have changed a lot."

"Isn't this a good thing?" I asked back.

"Of course that's great... Don't be like that, I was just sighing. It seems like you're starting to get better, so I don't have to worry about anything."

She looked very happy as she said this.

"...Oh."

"On the good side"...

What exactly is the standard by which others judge good and bad? If we arbitrarily judge someone based solely on their daily behavior... then the very concept of "human" is too simplistic. Rather, what makes us human is precisely that we cannot be simply defined.

Well...that's fine.

She didn't need to know more now.

"Then I will continue to work hard to become better." This answer should be the one that best fits her thoughts.

"Yeah, that's right."

"..."

Look, how innocent her smile was after she heard these words.

Chapter 11: Miscellaneous

Sure enough, something is still wrong.

Even though the classroom was still filled with the faint smell of wood and paint, and even though my ears were still filled with the sound of graphite rubbing against paper... I still noticed something was wrong.

There was originally supposed to be a vacant position, but now there is one more.

Is it because of physical discomfort? Or is there something else going on?

I knew very well that no one would pay any attention to me even if I asked, so I had to pretend that I didn't notice anything, sit quietly in my seat, and wait for the teacher to arrive.

But...

By the time I came to my senses, the people around me were already completely lost in casual conversation. This meant that the teacher's arrival time had already passed a long time ago.

As far as I can remember, the teacher rarely comes so late.

"What's going on?" "Never mind, let's play a friendly match." "Have you finished your homework?" "Just hold on a little longer before school's over..." "It's really relaxing without the teacher watching over me."

"If I had known..."

"The teacher is here, be quiet."

With a warning from a student near the door, everyone immediately stopped their casual conversation. The once bustling classroom returned to its previous state, and the faint sound of painting could be heard again.

"..."

It feels completely different from before.

Even just by listening to the footsteps, I could tell...the teacher must be in a very bad mood at this moment.

"...you..."

After hearing his voice, everyone raised their heads and looked at him. More precisely, they looked at his face, which still showed his anger.

"Who among you..."

Seeing this, he emphasized his tone again.

"If anyone doesn't want to stay here anymore... tell me now and pack up and leave."

"....." "?" "...." "...."

At this moment, everyone acted as if they didn't understand what he said, and still looked at the teacher on the podium with confusion.

But I seemed to know something.

My eyes inevitably turned to the newly vacant place.

"No? Is there no..."

"...." "..."

In this kind of atmosphere, even if someone doesn't want to stay here, they certainly won't be so tactless as to stand up and admit it.

"...Two days... I'll give you two days to think about it." He held up his finger. "If you feel you're not suitable, withdraw immediately and stop trying to piss me off."

"..."

Apparently, someone wanted to withdraw, and the teacher arrived late after trying to persuade them to no avail. But who exactly had withdrawn... I hadn't noticed before.

With a hint of curiosity, I began to check the people I had seen in the classroom one by one.

One by one.

no matter who.

“…”

. . . . . . . . . .

"Well, it's cold today as usual."

He sighed as he was the first to step outside the teaching building.

The scarf was still wrapped around his neck, with some parts of it wrapped around his tied hair.

"I can't wait to drink the hot milk tea."

He turned around and spoke to me.

"...Huh? Wasn't it coffee... or something like that before?"

Therefore, the question I had just decided to ask had to be put on hold for the time being.

"Oh, that's because I feel like I need a little sweetness." He pointed to his head and said, "I seem to have been overusing my brain lately. My thinking has become much slower."

"Is that so? By the way, what have you done for Sheji?"

It's not so much curiosity... it's more like I'm very concerned.

"...Math homework, of course. Even though I'm a liberal arts student, I'll still be tested on it... Well, plus I didn't study hard enough before, so it's going to be hard to catch up now. So, of course, I have to work harder than everyone else... That sort of thing."

"Well..."

Looking at him yawning, I seem to be able to roughly imagine how he is studying hard at night.

However, he didn't seem to care about this kind of thing before.

"I feel like... it's not like your style."

"...Well."

He looked embarrassed and scratched his cheek.

"After all, it's already my second year of high school... It's time to make some changes, right?"

"..."

Change...

"At this point, even if someone behaves differently than before, it's understandable, right?"

Abnormal behavior.

"I'm sorry... Please forgive me." "If you want to quit, quit now."

For some reason, these two scenes suddenly appeared before my eyes.

....I have an indescribable feeling in my heart.

“…Hey.”

I stopped.

"...?"

Noticing this, he also stopped at a street where not many people passed by.

"Sheji, you just said... at this point, you might do something you wouldn't have done before, right?"

"Well, I don't deny it."

He answered like this.

"Then, even if...even if I give up something I'm good at, it's quite normal and reasonable, right..."

...really, really weird.

"What do you mean?"

A puzzled look.

"..."

Yeah, I never told him what happened to me. So he must be confused when I tell him these things now...

"..."

Do you want to tell him?

I asked myself.

If I don't tell him, I won't be able to raise my doubts with him. But if I tell him... he won't just sit there and do nothing... he'll definitely go find those guys for me... and what will they do to him?

He will definitely get hurt.

That's the last thing I want.

So compared to my confusion and the grievances I have received, he is indeed more important.

"No...it's okay."

It’s better not to say it out loud.

“…”

Her eyes met his.

But he didn't avoid me. He stared at me for quite a while, as if he wanted to see what I was thinking.

Finally, he smiled with relief.

"Since you don't want to mention it, I'll just forget it."

"...Um, sorry..."

I had clearly used the topic to attract his attention without permission, but still... I didn't muster up the courage to tell him what was in my heart.

"no need to say sorry."