I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Well, I should go find her." His expression was much more relaxed than before he came. "It's still early. If I go find her now, there's still a lot I can do."

...Well, I won't think about it in an ambiguous way. Anyway, the fool in front of me won't think that way.

"...Take care." I continued to turn my gaze towards the TV.

"Won't you give me a ride?"

This guy seems to be the first time to make a request.

"...Is the hallway in my house huge? Is it a maze? Can't you get out without me?"

"Do not say that."

Ah...it seems that what I said just now was a bit too much.

I always felt that his tone of voice was a little strange. When I looked at him suspiciously, I noticed that his expression was a little subtle.

"Okay..." I sighed and stood up.

.............

"That senior, if I remember correctly," he said as he got on his mountain bike, "should be the one who went to the beach with us last time?"

"Uh-huh."

After a moment's hesitation, he nodded in confirmation. There was nothing wrong with telling him anyway. They didn't have much of a connection, and besides...this guy probably wasn't in the mood to talk nonsense.

"What? It's him after all."

"Do you have any comments?" I frowned.

"I don't have any opinions... but if I say I have experience, I feel like I'm showing off." He smiled, still as casual... but it felt different from the beginning. "After all, my experience isn't as complicated as yours, Master."

"Hmm?" Why did he suddenly become more tactful? "What do you want to say..."

"Ah, to call it a habit... doesn't seem to be the case. But it's easy for people who are good friends to forgive each other after a conflict. Take Xiaoyou and I for example... it's like that." He turned his face away and scratched his cheek.

...It turns out this guy is shy.

"In short, ignoring a girl after a conflict is the worst thing to do. Giving up on her isn't a wise decision either... I'm not close to the senior, so I can't offer any advice. But as a junior with whom he has a good relationship, it really doesn't seem right for you to just stand by and watch."

As the saying goes, "Even the worst archer will eventually hit the target after a few attempts." The guy in front of me, though always out of tune, finally said something decent this time.

"I understand. For the sake of that guy's happiness, I will work a little harder." I'll find out his home address tomorrow.

"That's good. It always feels weird if this kind of thing is not resolved." After saying this, he waved at me and prepared to leave.

"Wait, what's weird?" I quickly stopped him.

"Hmm? The senior's girlfriend you mentioned just now, wasn't she also the senior we were with last time?" He tilted his head. "If we don't reconcile quickly, it will definitely be awkward if we run into each other when school starts."

"..."

If we use archery as an analogy, the direction is too off...but hitting the target by chance is the most fortunate thing.

"you're right."

Well, I'd better not correct it.

What is said

I couldn't recall anyone holding my hands with such intense affection for a long time. Not even my own parents had ever held me so affectionately. So, I was feeling incredibly nervous... and then, a sense of discomfort crept in.

The source of that feeling was not her abrupt behavior, but her inner guilt.

"Is someone like me worthy of being cared about?"

This question popped up in my mind for no reason.

The reason why I am cared about may not be because of my inner qualities, but simply because of my appearance.

This kind of thinking isn't the product of an overly strong sense of self, but rather the constant cues from the surrounding information. The words of relatives and the like are of little use; only through the words of strangers can one gain a glimpse of what's going on. The most common thing one hears is probably just...

Words like "I like you, please go out with me!"

In my impression, guys who say this kind of thing are basically boys I've never paid attention to. When they speak, their cheeks often have a blush, their voices are a mixture of shyness and timidity, and they have an unsteady look in their eyes.

When I asked, "Why do you like me?", the answers were generally...

Words like "You are my type" and "You are beautiful and of course excellent."

And I would refuse without hesitation every time, and over time I began to wonder: Is appearance... important?

I can't make any clear judgment because I have never thought about interacting with other people, and I have no contact with other things. The only thing I have frequent contact with is something called books.

So, let's take an object that you are familiar with as an example. When deciding to read a book, should you look at its beautiful cover or its fascinating content?

Many things in the world are interconnected, and reading books and interacting with people seem to share similarities. Some people prioritize beautiful covers and illustrations, completely disregarding the content, while others prioritize the content over all else. Choices are truly individual, and no matter what you choose, you shouldn't be biased.

However, this is something I only understand now.

At that age, I always arrogantly thought that I was much better than the guys around me. My inexplicably strong self-esteem also drove me to be superior to others in everything I did.

“I’ve read a lot of books, so I know a lot.”

I always declare this to others in a boastful tone, but the purpose of doing so is not to show off something, but to cover up the anxiety in my heart.

As far as I can remember, I have had almost no other entertainment besides reading, and this is the only thing I can mention to people around me.

So, I can only pretend to like it and subconsciously remind myself, "See, this is what makes you better than others."

Yes, it is really disgusting. If I were someone else, I would not approach such a person either.

But that guy is the only exception.

When I exposed his lack of characteristics and boasted about my "advantages" that I had mentioned many times, his reaction was completely different from what I expected.

"Can...can you help me?"

There was no look of disgust, nor a tone of jealousy or rejection, but rather an almost pious plea, as if I could bring something to him.

Appeared, the incredible person finally appeared in my sight.

This person is very strange.

However, the prejudice I once had against him was also swept away.

I seemed to understand the pleading in his eyes. He had always imitated others, and now he wanted to be his true self...even though he didn't really know who he was.

It doesn't matter...

Because I think I can understand the meaning of "friend" through him.

Chapter 13: What is said

The season when I met her was late summer.

If it weren't for her, I might not think summer is the most beautiful season.

"Hey, let's go together!"

As the cicadas chirped incessantly, she invited me home. Was it because, like me, she rarely interacted with people, or was it because of an inexplicable throbbing? Both her and my cheeks flushed.

"Um."

It has been quite some time since this scene happened.

"Can you hurry up?"

But now she has lost her former reserve, and only has a slightly complaining tone left.

I've long been accustomed to her tone.

No, I like her. I like everything about her.

"Sorry for the long wait."

As usual, I apologized to her and then embarked on a short but pleasant journey home with her.

.....................

"Do you really want to be a tree?"

Without any warning, she asked this question.

My thoughts were drawn into this sentence, and then I stood there in a daze.

It's windy and cold.

I gently buried my mouth in the scarf wrapped around my neck and exhaled hot air meaninglessly to temporarily warm my cheeks.

"I..."

The trees along the road had long since lost their leaves and looked lifeless. Thinking back to how they were lush and leafy just a few months ago, a sense of melancholy welled up in my heart.

“I still don’t know what I want to be.”

I seem to want to try everything, yet I feel like I can't do anything well. I know I'm a loser. I can't meet other people's expectations, I have no unique characteristics, no special skills, I'm just a loser who has never owned anything.

"Is that so..." She didn't seem to have any special reaction to my answer.

"What about you? Hui-san, what do you want to be?"

If you listen to her response, you might get the answer.

"Me?" She put her pink-gloved hands to her mouth and exhaled a puff of white air. "You won't laugh at me..."

"of course not."

"In that case..." She slowly lowered her hand and looked into my eyes, "I want to be a writer."

"......"

Yes, why hadn't I thought of that before? The answer was so close at hand, yet I hadn't paid any attention. The only thing I'd been doing, the only thing I hadn't been deprived of, seemed to be writing.

Besides, she has always been by my side.

I... should be able to do it.

"So..."

Then I'll work hard with you! I want to be a writer too!

I wanted to make this proposal excitedly, but the moment the words came out of my mouth, I couldn't help but change the content.

"What do you think I can become?!"

"..."

The cold streets were deserted. Even so, such a loud noise was still somewhat embarrassing. Li Yinghui, standing before him, took a small step back in surprise.

"I'm... sorry... I just wanted to have your own ideas... I also want... how should I put it, I want to have something I want to become..."

"Hmm...ah..." She nodded, and it seemed that she understood what I was thinking.

"So, how about becoming a book?"

She suggested to me.

It was different from the excited look when she was telling stories, nor the arrogance when she corrected my mistakes, nor the coldness towards others... It was just normal, so normal that it didn't sound like her normal tone.

The cold wind gradually blew my hair, as if it was actively helping me sort out my thoughts.

"A...book?"

I didn't understand the meaning, so I just repeated it.

"Yes, a book." She thought for a moment and added, "It has to be something people can understand."

I don't understand, but her smile tells me...I might actually be able to do it.

"If you wish, I can try..."

Actually, what I hope she will say is... "Why don't you become a writer with me?" But... how is that possible, because that is her dream.

However, I still don’t understand why I could easily make a promise that I didn’t understand.

.......................

There seemed to be a series of knocks on the door.

My body tried to react, but only the fingers of my right hand moved slightly. A chill ran down my spine, making me slightly aware that my back was facing the air conditioner.