I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Why do you say your friendship is... fake?"

"..."

She seemed to take my words seriously, so much so that she almost ignored our familiarity. However, I wasn't ready to tell her everything I'd experienced with my senior, even though I had a certain level of trust in her.

"This...is not something that can be easily explained." I imitated her and spoke vaguely.

"Ah...~ I think I said something rude." After realizing what was happening, she fell silent for a moment, then looked at me again, "Well then, regarding the information we agreed on... let's exchange them accordingly."

"Hmm..." I tilted my head back and drank the drink in my cup. "Well, before that, I want to know... what kind of person is Li Yinghui in your eyes? Are there any special examples... If it's convenient, please tell me."

"No problem." She nodded readily, then revealed a relaxed look. "Then, I want to know... what exactly happened between her and Xiaohui."

"Oh... didn't she tell you?" I was a little surprised about this.

"...When I ask her about this, she keeps silent. I can't help it." She said helplessly, "Hasn't he mentioned it before?"

"Hmm..." I nodded. "You didn't mention many specific details. I thought you knew more..."

It seems that things are not going to go smoothly.

The reason needed

There is a phenomenon that has always bothered me.

When a person likes someone or something, he or she seems unwilling to see that person or thing belong to someone else, even if he or she has no qualifications or capital to obtain it.

Is it pinning my hopes on the so-called possibility? I always feel that as time passes, that slim chance will always come closer to me; or maybe I am hoping that the things I imagine will happen, but I try my best to keep the ambiguous state I think of continuing.

Ah, it seems that when everything is still undecided, there are infinite possibilities. Since there are possibilities, then at least there is a reason to imagine that those things will happen to you. Ignoring all my shortcomings, I always think that I am the most perfect person in the world, and that I am worthy of that person or thing.

This reminds me of uneducated children who always want to hold on to everything they want, stuffing the candies and snacks they like into their mouths. Even if they can’t eat any more, they are willing to chew them up and spit them out to prevent others from taking them away.

If someone took even a little bit of his possessions, he would wail bitterly, as if his limbs had been cut off, as if those things were his by right.

Ugh, that's disgusting.

Precisely because children have no sense of right and wrong, their emotional expressions are purest. Pure possessiveness, blind possessiveness, greed, and jealousy, although only manifested due to their immaturity, can be seen in these things.

The guys around me always take everything they love for granted, and if something doesn't go their way, they get upset and resort to some less-than-smart actions. To me, this behavior is like that of immature children... No, after years of growth, they haven't made any progress at all. I don't know if this is a failure of their educators or a failure of their own lives.

Anyway... I'm surrounded by a lot of people like this. And I have to fit in with them. This isn't to justify myself or to be self-righteous, but that group of people simply won't allow anyone who's different from their habits to appear in their field of vision.

"Are you going to teach her a lesson with me?"

Yes, their treatment of so-called "others" is also incredibly low-brow. It's nothing more than fistfights and kicks... oh no, for the girls, slaps and hair pulling, right? In short, it seems unpresentable to me, lacking the grandeur of medieval knightly duels.

But...how should I put it, although that method is low-level, it is useful.

I've seen similar situations many times, but each time, I've been indifferent, forgetting everything after leaving the scene. It's not that I want to forget, but I'm completely powerless to do anything about it. In this kind of environment where people don't feel ashamed, unwarranted resistance is futile.

Besides, I knew I had no objection, so I could only try not to get involved. I might have to get used to the darkness, but I couldn't defend it. Besides, getting into conflict with those guys wouldn't do me any good; avoiding them was the best strategy.

"is that so..."

I muttered to myself as I looked at the guys surrounding Li Yinghui who were gradually moving away.

What will you do to her...

I couldn't help but worry about the girl with whom I had absolutely no conversation.

Why on earth did I, who never cared about others before, have the idea of ​​helping her?... It really doesn't benefit me in any way, and it will definitely affect my impression in the eyes of those guys. I might even get the same treatment.

It was then that I realized that for the first time I was truly caught in the contradiction of reality.

Chapter 7: The Reason I Need

"Senior Xiaohui and Senior seem to have had a past... not a very pleasant one." I began by sharing what I knew. "From Senior's account, it seems to be due to his poor writing skills... So, is Senior Xiaohui a very skilled Chinese speaker?"

Senior Akane in front of me seemed to be distracted, so I used the conversation to remind her a little.

"Oh... Yeah... She is really amazing~"

After realizing she'd been distracted, she immediately adjusted herself and flashed a smile that seemed to gleam. That sense of standard... it felt unnatural.

"Xiaohui is a literary girl. She's read a lot of books."

"I see..." In other words, things were just as the senior said, and the reason why what happened just now happened was because the senior simply did not forgive him.

However, I find it a little unbelievable that I could overlook the joy of reuniting after such a long separation because of something like this. People who are good at writing should be more sentimental, so since it was a mistake made in my youth, why not just forgive him?

"Xiao Hui has been thinking about him all the time...that senior."

When she said this, her eyes were a little dull, as if she was lost in some memories... It felt a little weird.

"Ah, actually, the senior also said that he likes senior Xiaohui..." I quickly started talking about the senior, hoping to ease the situation a little.

"If I hurt her..."

Though his voice was quiet, the soft, cute air he'd always maintained around me was completely gone. His tone was filled with menace, and even I, who had nothing to do with the situation, began to shudder. And that murderous frown confirmed my natural reaction... The guy in front of me was indeed dangerous!

"Well~ well, senior is a very good person and would not do that kind of thing." Seeing this, I hurriedly spoke up for my senior, even though I didn't think he did anything wrong.

"Huh? What did I just say?"

Playing dumb, definitely playing dumb.

"...No, not really."

Pretend not to notice.

"I believe that Senior is a good person, but the most important thing now is to find out why Xiaohui is angry."

"If it's based on what you said, it's probably because..."

“Why don’t you judge for yourself?” she interrupted. “Those two people might not understand each other… or there might be some misunderstanding between them.”

"..."

It's not that I haven't thought about this question, I just don't want to think about it too much. But since Xiao Qian mentioned it this way, I'll just obey her.

"Well, that's true..."

In other words, what two people care about may be completely different...

"So, Senior Sister, what do you think Senior Sister Xiaohui cares about?"

"...Ah...something you're concerned about?"

................

In the end, I still didn't have the courage to take the initiative to help her out.

No, it's not so much courage... it's more about reason. I simply can't find any reason to voluntarily give up my current relatively stable life for some inexplicable thought.

However, why... Even though this person has nothing to do with me, I feel a deep sense of guilt just because I didn't help her out.

What on earth happened yesterday...I really want to know.

What are you going to do next? ...Ah, I want to know that too.

"Hey, how did you guys do to her yesterday?"

I pretended to be nonchalant and placed a bottle of drink in front of the guy who participated in bullying Li Yinghui yesterday. I sat in front of his seat and pretended to chat with him.

"What else can I do? Just slap her in the face so she won't be so pretentious next time. Luckily she didn't fight back, otherwise who knows what she might do next. In the end, it's just a warning. It's not okay to be too excessive... Don't you agree?" She said as she opened the drink in front of her.

What is this... fake kindness? Instead of being ashamed of the nature of his actions, he takes pride in their magnitude...

"Hmm..." I sipped my drink silently and didn't answer her seriously, "Well, how did she behave at that time?"

"React? Ah... I almost wondered if she was just frightened or just didn't care. She just stood there without any reaction... She had no interest at all."

I always feel...very concerned.

"Hmm~..." He hummed unconsciously, sounding like he was expressing dissatisfaction.

"What's wrong? Do you regret not going?" She seemed a little concerned and asked me.

"...No, I just don't know why I did it..."

In fact, I know it very well.

"How could you not know? Didn't you see it a few days ago?"

Yes, I saw it. A seemingly standout and decent-looking boy from this generally rubbish school had taken a liking to the elegant Li Yinghui, and feeling good about himself, he took the initiative to confess his feelings.

And the result is obvious just by thinking about it... It was as if she didn't hear him speak, and Li Yinghui completely ignored the confession that was not from the heart at all.

In my opinion, it's just sensationalism.

"Ah... Maybe you didn't feel anything, but he confessed his feelings to that guy! Who is he? How could he be so unworthy of her in terms of looks and grades? And he just rejected her like that? He just rejected her, and why did he have such a stern face..."

That's right... it's just jealousy. That's what incompetent people who refuse to admit their own incompetence do.

"So... you like him too."

"Of course... Even though I know there's no chance for us, I don't want to see that happen. Anyway, it's because of her appearance that we still have a chance."

Why would the person in front of me say such unreasonable things so naturally... How ridiculous. Does the person in front of me really have the right to be happy?

"Okay, okay..." I said and stood up, ready to go and greet Li Yinghui, who seemed to me to be devastated.

"Are you going to look for that guy?" She seemed to have seen through my route and asked me with some confusion.

"Yeah." I nodded.

"What do you want her for?"

"Nothing." I turned my head slightly and gave her what I thought was an evil smile, "Just a little warning to her."

"In that case, why don't we just block her again today? Anyway..."

"No need." I interrupted her.

I clearly felt that my emotions were wavering and leaning towards Li Yinghui. All I had to do now was find that reason.

A reason for me to give up this life.

................

Words from the heart

There are many unfair things I have seen.

If something happens to oneself, one would just hope that it is as mild as possible, but if one wants to inflict pain on others, one would not have so many concerns.

Therefore, the instinct of bullying will be infinitely magnified when many people participate, and the means are also varied.

Perhaps it was instinct. After witnessing those things, the first thing I did was not to think about whether the existence of these things was reasonable, but to be glad that such things did not happen to me, and then I began to think about how to avoid encountering similar things.

When something exists, no one seems to question its existence.

"Why do people pick on you? You must be doing something wrong too."

Ah, what a sensible thing to say.

As if it were natural, the mature adults didn't pay the slightest attention to this matter. Rather, since it was so difficult to change, they simply gave up on trying.

So, like everyone else, I celebrated my so-called luck and ignored the suffering of others. Since it has nothing to do with me, why should I pay any attention to it? After all, if I care about others, who will care about me?

Parents...or teachers?

But once again, the facts prove that everything in life is a disaster. No matter how kind a person is, they can never live a peaceful life. And no matter how calm they behave in school, they will still anger someone for some ridiculous reason.

Well, that's the group of guys surrounding me now.

No, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I took the initiative to get close to them.

I do this purely for myself. I've never met anyone I could talk to about anything... maybe it's because I'm too sensitive? I can't seem to let down my guard against the people around me, even though they always greet me with a smile.

I knew exactly what that smile meant. It wasn't because I had such a good relationship with them, but because they were afraid of me... How could a girl who often hung out with that group of people be any good? That's probably what they all thought.

Then, everything seemed the same as before. I was still alone, but without the worries I had before.

So, is there anything else in the environment I am in that would interest me?