Damn it, I'm in the garbage book I wrote

Chapter 731 Never Eat Randomly

In just one day, Caique felt that he had lived a more exciting life than he had ever lived in his entire life. The three people sitting in front of him, wrapped in blankets and drinking ginger soup, had all their titles revealed. The room was too small to even accommodate them. They could even launch a war to exterminate the entire population of the Central Plains or conquer vast territories with a wave of their hand. Yet, these people, who should have been living in high positions, were now suffering from drowning, one choking on water, one catching a cold, and one injuring their arm, all because of saving a non-existent drowning person.

People often speculate about what the emperor does on a daily basis. They are full of imagination about things they have never experienced or lived in. Perhaps the emperor uses a golden hoe to hoe the ground or can eat three whole bowls of rice mixed with lard in one meal.

But in reality, if their lives were truly dissected and shown to people, there is no doubt that the majesty of the vast majority of emperors would shatter into pieces.

In other words, most of the so-called imperial authority was maintained and regulated by the Ministry of Rites, the Court of Imperial Clan Affairs, and the Imperial Household Department. It was a different form of constraint that forcibly kept the emperor in that position and allowed him to be a good emperor.

When a person is in a relatively comfortable and unrestrained environment, they will quickly revert to their own personality traits. For example, Emperor Jingtai was actually a decent emperor in the imperial court; although he lacked ambition, he was still dignified and kind-hearted. Li Shimin, on the other hand, was brave, resourceful, and wise; his reputation as one of the world's greatest heroes, possessing both literary and martial talents, has been established for a very long time.

As for Xia Daosheng, most people who don't know him would think that he is well-read and has an elegant demeanor. He can quote classical texts with ease when he talks, and his words and actions are gentle and refined. He has both the demeanor of a scholar and the courage of a pragmatist.

But in reality, these three people jumped into West Lake, played with dangerous Chinese medicinal herbs, took off their clothes to touch each other, and even had a competition to see who could gnaw the bark off a tree first.

Although this doesn't really affect others, it certainly shatters the illusion of them as paragons of virtue. This is hardly a group of emperors and generals; they're clearly three wild children who haven't grown up.

"You know, this thing is so powerful, is there something wrong with it?"

Emperor Jingtai rubbed his temples and said, "Something must be wrong."

"I've thought about it carefully, and there's a missing step in the tanning process," Xia Lin murmured, wrapped tightly in the blanket. "There should be a fermentation step. Only after fermentation and air-drying can the toxins be removed to the greatest extent."

Just then, Caique brought in the food. She gently placed it on the table and was about to turn and leave when Xialin called out to her, "Caique, go and buy another batch of the items on that list."

Upon hearing this, Caique's pupils dilated in shock, and her pretty face instantly turned pale. She knew that if any of these three gentlemen were to fall, she would surely die, without a doubt. They were determined to drag her down with them, knowing that Feng Hua Xue Yue was particularly skilled in poisoning…

“Lord Xia, that’s poisonous… Your medicine also has a name called ‘Wind Eggplant,’ and it’s poisonous.”

"I know, it's alright." Xia Lin pointed to the note on the table: "After you come back from the shopping, start making it according to the fermentation recipe for black tea. Don't worry, this time I had them write their suicide notes, so it won't implicate you."

Emperor Jingtai silently turned his head to look at Xia Lin and murmured, "Is this life truly so unacceptable?"

These words amused Erfeng, who was lying in bed groaning. Caique dared not laugh, otherwise she would have pounded the table.

Seeing how pitiful he looked, Xia Lin scratched his face and said, "Once it's successful, I'll still be the first to try!"

Actually, both tobacco and datura are plants in the nightshade family, and their tastes are quite similar. However, tobacco is not as strong as datura, so it needs to be handled more carefully, since datura can indeed be fatal...

In the following days, Caique purchased 700 catties of flowers, leaves and roots of the Enchanting Flower for them. Anyway, these things were not particularly difficult to obtain, and they were sold in various pharmacies. People usually used them to repel insects.

They began tanning these things using several fermentation methods, and once everything was ready, Xia Lin once again embarked on his grand undertaking of having one afterward.

This time, however, he learned his lesson and dared not act recklessly again. His first step was to make cigarette paper.

There's a specific method to making this cigarette paper; it requires the fibers of tender bamboo to be processed. So, the small courtyard where they live has been very busy these past few days. Li Shimin, who is recovering from a splint, is sitting there with one hand in a splint while using a wooden mallet to pound bamboo with the other. Xia Lin, wearing only a pair of shorts, is squatting in front of a water vat stirring the pulp. Emperor Jingtai is barefoot, treading on the pulp in the trough. The chief intelligence officer, Cai Que, is scooping pulp and drying paper with his head wrapped in cotton cloth.

To be honest, Caique was angry but dared not speak out. She even thought that if one of them gave the order to call her into the room for some lewd fun, she would at least not have to suffer this torment. But none of them called out. Instead, they woke her up before dawn every day to do chores.

"This paper is different from ordinary paper. Ordinary paper is thick and has an unpleasant smell, but only this tender bamboo paper has a gentle and refreshing fragrance."

As Xia Lin spoke, he stirred the stick around, almost sparking as he swung it: "But the craftsmanship is also more difficult. I'll teach you this skill, so that if you ever find yourself struggling to make ends meet, you'll have a way to earn a living."

The first batch of dried paper has been taken down. Emperor Jingtai held the paper and looked at it repeatedly. Although the paper was slightly yellowed, that was because no lime paste or alum was added. However, its texture was soft, thin, and tough, making it a truly excellent paper. He even took a piece and wrote on it. The paper did not absorb ink or become loose, and it was even more comfortable to write on than the paper in the palace.

You should know that a single sheet of imperial tribute paper costs eight hundred coins, while this paper is no less valuable, yet it was made by these few makeshift workers in just a few days by hand and foot.

Why didn't you promote this before?

"This? This is too outdated. It has to be done entirely by hand, which is inefficient."

"Do you know that a sheet of paper in the palace costs 800 cash to one tael of silver? How much is this?"

“You think this is cheap?” Xia Lin straightened up: “This isn’t cheap at all! How many sheets can the four of us make in a day? Six, right?”

"right……"

"Six sheets. It's true that the material cost is cheap, but have you calculated the labor cost? It's expensive! It's time-consuming and labor-intensive. The papermaking technology I promoted has long since reduced the cost to three copper coins per sheet."

After a brief explanation, Emperor Jingtai suddenly realized, "So the Imperial Household Department didn't embezzle much after all." "They definitely embezzled, but eight hundred coins a note is too outrageous. But how should I put it? Things in the palace aren't decided by just one or two people. Sometimes the money doesn't necessarily end up in someone else's pocket. It's probably just used to cover up other places' losses. There are many places that need to balance their accounts, so I've never investigated this matter. I've just turned a blind eye."

“Yes… Chang’an is the same.” Li Shimin sighed. “There’s nothing we can do, we can’t control it. You can’t be a good head of the household if you’re not deaf and blind. What did you say last time? Politics is the art of compromise, I wholeheartedly agree.”

"Stop talking nonsense and get to work!"

The group worked hard for three more days, and then Xia Lin began to venture into his tobacco business. He first used different proportions to make many cigarettes of different lengths and thicknesses.

Well, everyone knows smoking is harmful to health, but he really misses it now, and of course, cola too. But the problem is that there seems to be no substitute for cola, and you can't find the real recipe online. Most of the recipes just make unpalatable sugary water. But cigarettes are much simpler.

Fermented tobacco is indeed less toxic, and the addition of mint makes it taste even smoother. After lighting it and taking a puff, I didn't see anything strange for a long time, but I did feel a slight dizziness.

And that's exactly the slight dizziness he wanted...

"It's done! I've done it!" Xia Lin said with a satisfied puff of his cigarette. "So happy...so happy!"

"I'll try it." Emperor Jingtai took it and sipped it as well. Then he leaned back and experienced the sensation, finding that it really did feel different from before.

Comfortable……

A light buzz is definitely better than getting drunk.

After several days of hard work, it was time to enjoy the fruits of their labor. In the evening, the group set up a table in the courtyard, prepared some common street food, and made a small hot pot that would never be served in the imperial palace. Smoke was rising from the stove next to them as they boiled the soy milk. They leaned back in their chairs and drank some wine.

No matter their status, once they've had a hot pot, a few drinks, and a cigarette, their boasting attitude is all the same.

"I saw a dragon at Zhongnan Mountain, a real dragon." Li Shimin's face was flushed, whether from the chili peppers or the alcohol, it was hard to tell. He held a cigarette between his fingers and gesticulated wildly as he described the scene of seeing the dragon at Zhongnan Mountain.

“I immediately called my adjutant to bring me my 20-stone hard bow, and I was about to shoot when, guess what? The dragon spoke. It said, ‘Your Majesty, please spare my life. I am a giant python from Zhongnan Mountain. I have been cultivating here for a thousand years and am about to become a dragon. If you spare my life, I will surely ensure that my subjects live in peace and prosperity in the future.’”

Emperor Jingtai had been listening with great interest at first, but as soon as he heard the rest, he realized it was just another version of the "slaying the white snake" trope. So he rolled his eyes and sneered, "I once saw a dragon in Hangzhou, and that dragon spoke to me back then."

"What did you say?" Li Shimin squinted and stepped forward to listen.

She said, "Sir, shall we listen to some music first or take a bath first?"

As soon as he finished speaking, the courtyard was filled with laughter. Even the colorful sparrow covered its face and laughed uncontrollably. It was truly unexpected that the emperor of this country could be so slick and clever.

After a while, Li Shimin lit another cigarette and waved to Xia Lin: "Send me this craftsmanship, I'll take it to Chang'an, it's a good thing."

"It's best not to spread this around; it's no good." Xia Lin said this sincerely: "Don't you think people are despicable? Anything that makes you happy is no good, and the happier you are, the worse it is. Alcohol makes you happy, but drinking leads to trouble. Women make you happy, but lust also leads to trouble. Gambling makes you happy, but gambling leads to bankruptcy. Humans are truly despicable."

"It's boring. If you all think it's boring, then it's even more boring for me. I, the emperor of a country, am afraid that people will say I'm extravagant if I want to eat pigeon for dinner."

Soon, the boasting turned into a venting session. Forget about emperors and princes; after a few drinks, they were still full of complaints.

Xia Lin, on the other hand, never said a word. He just silently drank and ate meat, listening to their rambling.

"To be honest, I really don't understand what you're after. Whether you're after money, women, or even pleasure, at least be a little more decent. The way you are is really unsettling."

The topic finally returned to Xia Lin, who simply smiled and said, "Last time I said I would predict the rise and fall of dynasties for you. I happen to have some free time today, so I'll talk to you about it."

The two of them became interested and listened. Xia Lin was actually just telling the story according to normal history, reversing cause and effect, which made it much simpler.

First, it discusses the struggle for supremacy between Wei and Tang, then it talks about Tang destroying Wei, followed by an analysis of Li Shimin's personality to predict the future of his dynasty, and finally, it uses the historical cycle to analyze the trajectory of the Tang Dynasty.

"Ultimately, the decline and division of the country will be caused by the separatist rule of regional military governors. Then, just like after the Wei and Jin dynasties, the whole country will enter an era of chaos and strife. The newly established unified dynasty will learn from the lessons of the previous dynasty, and the tone of the country will inevitably be to suppress the nobles and eventually shift to emphasizing civil affairs and de-emphasizing military affairs."

In this way, the past was analyzed section by section, from the regional warlordism of the Tang Dynasty to the emphasis on civil affairs over military affairs in the Song Dynasty, then to the class divisions in the Yuan Dynasty, followed by the factional struggles in the Ming Dynasty, and finally the closed-door policy of the Qing Dynasty.

Along the way, the Dragon Empire will inevitably head down a path of being bullied and humiliated.

Xia Lin's analysis was logical and well-founded, with each line of reasoning laid out clearly. After all, the people present were all cultured, and they understood that all the coincidences in history had their inevitability. Therefore, Xia Lin's analysis seemed quite reasonable to them.

"My great nation, the Central Plains, is ultimately trampled on and excreted upon by foreign tribes. Are you willing to accept this? Of course not." Xia Lin said with a smile, "I was born without parents, the Yellow River flows in my veins, the black soil grows on my body, and the mountains and rivers are my bones. My feelings for it are beyond your imagination. So, you ask me what I'm after? I won't make grand pronouncements; I only want a clear conscience. As the saying goes, do your best and leave the rest to fate. I've done everything I could, and I'll leave the rest to future generations. Money, fame, and power are just tools to me. You might say I'm pretending, then I'll pretend for the rest of my life. So, I'm really not interested in what you want. I've seen things you've never seen, both good and bad. Don't ask me where I saw them; in my dreams."
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I need to catch a train tomorrow, so I'll go to bed early tonight.

(End of this chapter)