Uneasy daily life

It's unclear when it started, but Xiao Yun no longer pondered those unanswerable questions; the only thing he retained was his habit of observing people's expressions and moods.

However, this habit is no longer used for thinking, but rather for avoiding disputes, securing interests, and obtaining things that are more useful in life.

……

Xiao Yun started working hard, after all, he had a mortgage to pay and his family's living expenses to cover, so he naturally needed to work hard.

In this era, wives naturally need to work hard as well. However, Xiao Yun always refused his wife's suggestion to manage the money. Even though he had accepted many suggestions from his parents, he still had the idea that he absolutely did not want to be like them.

Monthly bank payments, food, clothing, housing, and transportation—life seemed to proceed smoothly, with only occasional minor setbacks.

Unbeknownst to them, the atmosphere at home and everyone's condition began to change. Xiao Yun was becoming a source of income for the family, the parents were getting older, the wife occasionally started to manage household affairs, and there were some minor conflicts and ups and downs between her and the parents.

"Qiangwa, I borrowed money from a classmate, and I'm not quite sure I have enough money on me right now..."

My father came to borrow money again, his tone and demeanor more hesitant and reserved than before: "I can only withdraw my stocks next month, and I will pay you back after that."

Xiao Yun didn't say anything. He always gave his parents whatever amount they needed, without asking for reasons or inquiring about what they wanted to do with it.

His wife was quite skeptical: "Investing in stocks? What's the difference between doing that and throwing money down the drain? Why did you lend Dad the money to do something like that?!"

“My father was unwilling to accept this and wanted to prove himself.” Xiao Yun would occasionally share some of his observations with his wife.

"He's so old, why is he trying to prove himself? Using your money to prove himself?"

“Some of the skills I learned before are no longer useful because I’m too old, and some are different now because I can’t earn much money. There are some things I can’t do without capital.” Xiao Yun thought for a moment and said, “Now he often buys lottery tickets and also learns to trade stocks. I discovered these things by chance… This is the first time he’s told me what he needs money for.”

His wife was quite puzzled: "You'll give it to Dad just because he wants it? What about us in the future? Won't it cost money to have and raise children?"

“When I was a kid, I used to ask him for money in the same way.”

Xiao Yun simply replied.

The wife was clearly not happy, but she didn't say anything more about it.

Because filial piety is a duty, and she agrees with this principle, she cannot refute it now, so she remains silent and pretends that nothing happened.

However, if his wife continues to discover this, it will inevitably lead to intense conflicts and arguments within the family at some point...

Arguments and anger between family members are often more hurtful than conflicts between strangers. Any past events can become verbal weapons, viciously stabbing at the other person, making the family harmony and kinship that should be maintained seem insignificant.

Self-interest can overcome love, self-interest can overcome hate, self-interest is invincible.

Xiao Yun understood this clearly, so he learned to keep it a secret and stopped talking to his wife about things that would upset her. He also realized his own unhappiness—making money was not an easy thing, but because of the difficulty, it seemed to represent his time and value. Giving money to his father so casually and letting him continue to try to turn his life around and succeed was unlikely to be successful.

Xiao Yun understood that times had changed. It was no longer an era where rural people could come to the city and have a high probability of making money as long as they wanted to, were capable of, and worked hard. In fact, no matter what, successful people were always a minority... Perhaps when his father was constantly hitting walls and discovering his own limitations, and pinning his hopes of getting rich on lotteries and stocks, his father must have realized this too.

However, discovering this doesn't mean the father will give up or admit defeat. On the contrary, he will think that if he doesn't have money, he needs to work even harder to earn it.

Money represents society's recognition of a person and their achievements.

A nation's strength is determined by its economic level, let alone an individual's achievements.

While pondering this on a whim, Xiao Yun suddenly felt like a fish in a net. It seemed to live freely in familiar water, but in reality, it would always bump into other fish. Sometimes, it would try to swim to a place where it was all alone, but unknowingly it would encounter an invisible net that it could not leave.

Soon, this feeling disappeared with the birth of the child.

When the first cry rang out in the hospital, the man smiled with excitement and relief. When he saw that wrinkled, ugly little face, he felt an immense joy welling up from his heart and flowing through his entire body. As others were also happy and congratulating him, the man couldn't help but show the same joy and elation.

my child.

I will not become a father like you, I will not try to replicate my values ​​into yours, I will not blindly define right and wrong in your actions, and I will not show tenderness because of my old age after hurting you... I want to play with you, to make you laugh when you are happy and cry when you are sad, and to be a real person.

He suddenly had many thoughts, and felt those thoughts flashed across the sky like lightning, coming and going quickly, unclear, leaving behind a lingering shock and fear.

Xiao Yun didn't know what he was thinking at that moment. Perhaps it was because he hadn't thought about those useless questions for too long. It was just that the label of "father" was strongly and suddenly attached to him, causing his usually calm mood to be stirred up with joy, anger, sorrow and happiness again.

Keep working hard to provide a better future for your children.

What my father couldn't do, I will do in my father's capacity.

……

"What a poor child."

Yukino suddenly commented, "It's really pathetic to be educated into a real person by someone who is fake and unaware of it."

Bai Ying nodded and said, "Indeed pitiful."

“Even if you are a kind enough father and truly educate her to become a real person…” Yukino Yukinoshita couldn’t help but smile, “it would only mean that her future life would be destined to be filled with suffering.”

Bai Ying smiled and said, "According to my memory, the final result was not bad."

not bad?

Yukino Yukinoshita was a little surprised, and continued to watch with great interest. Could it be that Xiao Yun, who had become so oblivious to life, had encountered some special accident?

The rebellion and pain of youth, the confusion and entanglement of adolescence, could at least touch her and resonate with her. But the middle-aged man seemed particularly disappointing, yet also made to feel completely justified...

Who can escape the web that life weaves for them?

You should be filial to your parents, you should work and earn money, you should love your country, you should abide by the law, you should take care of your family, you should get married and have children, you should have a closer relationship with your wife... If you do what you should do, you should feel happy; if you do what you shouldn't do, you should be criticized and feel guilty.

Most people are like this, destined to be washed into a blank slate, and then life will fill you with joy, anger, sorrow and happiness.

After all, your wife gave birth. Shouldn't you be laughing, instead of feeling grief or anger? You've become the breadwinner and pillar of the family. Shouldn't you feel confident and proud of others' flattery and ingratiation?

Those who deviate from the rules are only called madmen and clowns, bringing contradictions and conflicts.

Yukino suddenly felt lost. She had broken free from her mother's control, but could she also break free from the constraints of life? Had she escaped the net and found her own pond? Or had she fallen into an even bigger net? I… no… I feel like I've found something… it shouldn't just be Yukino-chan…

"Hey, what exactly are you trying to do by showing us a large-scale life simulation drama?"

"No."

"I do not believe."

"Really do not have."

Bai Ying chuckled and said, "I just wanted you to see... If I had to give a reason, it would probably be fairness."

fair?

Yukinoshita appears cheerful on the surface, but secretly she's scheming.

To be honest, from the perspective of opposing tradition and conflict, I don't really care about relationships with multiple people, but I find it hard to imagine how I could fall in love with anyone... Xiao Yun's life may have some relatable, resonant, and lamentable aspects for me, but there is really no love involved.

We're too familiar with each other; we've known each other since we were kids. We're so familiar that there's absolutely no emotional stirring in our hearts.

If I had to describe my feelings, it would be something like... Ah, so this is what a person's story is like.

So the question is, where in Xiao Yun's life will he feel despair? Will his wife cheat on him? Will family conflicts escalate to the point of no return? Will his child tragically die young?

Yukino Yukinoshita pondered for a moment and then put it aside—anyway, she had always remained silent in the face of Xiao Yun's despair since before, and this time would be no different.

She looked at Xiao Yun and suddenly realized, could it be the despair of her father's passing?

……

The father lay on the hospital bed, looking listless, and spoke kindly to his granddaughter.

The young daughter, unable to understand the old man's words and expressions, simply sat obediently to one side, playing on her phone.

Xiao Yun did not disturb them, and sat quietly to the side, doing what a filial son should do—taking a few days off to accompany his father on his final journey.

Soon, the daughter left the hospital with her schoolbag on her back; she was getting ready to go to school.

The ward quieted down. The father leaned against the bed, occasionally asking questions like, "How have you been eating lately?" "Is work going well?" "Don't stay up late, smoke less, and take good care of yourself." Xiao Yun sat beside him, answering his father's questions one by one: "I'm eating well." "Work is fine." "Yes, I'll try to quit smoking and not stay up late."

If I had to give the honest answer, it would probably be 'I didn't pay attention,' 'I made a few mistakes at work,' and 'I'm used to making money.'

Xiao Yun accompanied his father. If you were to ask what illness the other person had, the illnesses listed on the medical records were not just the symptoms; the underlying illness was the root cause.

Perhaps it was the huge losses in the stock market that caused him to lose his temper and become anxious, or perhaps it was the physical and mental pressure accumulated from his constant desire to turn things around and succeed that finally broke him down, or perhaps it was the increasing age that finally made him tired and gave up. He let out a sigh of relief and also loosened his grip on the straw.

Xiao Yun felt that his feelings were complicated. Questions that he had gradually stopped thinking about were now stirring up waves in his heart.

Father might not make it. Let him stay with the other person until the end. Hospital fees are expensive; how much longer can I let him stay? You've emptied Grandpa and Grandma's savings, and you've emptied mine too. What have you accomplished in the end? Death settles all debts; borrowed money is gone forever. What's the difference between not repaying a loan and stealing? You made me go on blind dates and get married, and then you argued with my wife—it's utterly absurd. Father, no matter how much money you earn, I won't ask you for a single penny, nor will I respect or love you because of it. Do you know why I lent you money without asking any questions? I still remember the first meal I painstakingly cooked for you—braised beef. Was that slap you venting your frustration, or was it your advice that I should value social etiquette? Have you ever lived up to any of the principles you've taught me in your life? I…

"Brother, you should go back and rest."

"That's what my sister said when she came to the ward."

"I've taken a leave of absence."

Xiao Yun shook his head, a familiar thought silently flashing through his mind.

Forget it, so be it.

A day later, my sister left the ward. She also has her own life and family, her own disappointments and trivialities. She came to share the expenses, and that was enough to fulfill her filial duty.

At night, Xiao Yun was sleeping by the bedside when he vaguely heard something.

"Qiangwa..."

Xiao Yun opened his eyes. His father probably couldn't sleep. The moonlight shining through the window shone faintly on his face. His kind but weak voice said, "Go home and rest. It must be tiring to stay with you like this every day."

His graying hair was mottled and intertwined, and the years had etched wrinkles on his face. His once bright and energetic eyes had become cloudy, and his slightly hunched body no longer matched the straight back he remembered. His expression was gentle and simple, and for some reason, he no longer seemed as reserved and silent as before.

The father is a symbol of questioning and admonition, so it is natural to feel depressed and suffocated. Therefore, I don't know when it started, but I never look directly at my father's face and expression, and I subconsciously avoid eye contact with him.

When was the last time I looked at my father's face and eyes like this? Was it when I was in high school?

These thoughts flashed through Xiao Yun's mind, but he said nothing. He had become accustomed to keeping his emotions calm, without experiencing great joy or sorrow, because only in this way could he naturally express his emotions.

My father has passed away.

When Xiao Yun saw that the other person was quiet and would not speak or make a sound, he felt a huge emptiness in his heart.

Having witnessed two-thirds of his father's life, it means that his father has witnessed his own life up to this point.

One less person like him has been lost; there will never be another like him.

Those questions that have haunted me to this day, there is ultimately no one who can answer them. My father, whom I thought I understood completely, is shrouded in a veil of mist, as if I still cannot see his whole face... Sorrow flows from the emptiness in my heart, bringing with it all the anger, incomprehension, doubt, sarcasm, contempt, and questioning, mixing together into a problem that cannot be solved.

I can no longer compare my life to my father's.

The person who links emotions, money, and meaning; the person who becomes arrogant and indulgent because of financial success; the person who is the pillar of the family and has the final say; the person who tries to judge the right and wrong of their children based on their own values; the person who may not love their mother at all; the person who constantly tries to succeed; the person who is like firewood in this era…

I looked in the mirror and suddenly saw my father reflected in it.

As Xiao Yun arranged the funeral, he couldn't help but feel somewhat dazed—Do I understand myself? What kind of person am I, really?

Am I not someone who thinks filial piety means giving my father whatever money he asks for? Am I not someone who, because I'm the breadwinner, has absolute authority? Am I not someone who educates my children according to what I believe to be true? Am I not someone who tries to succeed and give my daughter a better future? Am I not someone who, to avoid family disputes, simply hides many things from my wife, perhaps not even loving her at all? Am I not just a source of fuel for this era?

The fish, which had been floating quietly in the net, suddenly bumped into the net again.

Xiao Yun felt a deep sense of self-loathing, and felt the distorted relationships between people, as if a heavy, narrow net tightly bound his body, soul, and even his views on everything.

Various thoughts clashed fiercely within his body, yet he was unable to break free of it.

Could I really stop working, thus violating the contract and forcing the bank to foreclose on the house with the mortgage almost paid off? Could I really get a divorce, getting rid of a wife I don't love, and leaving my daughter to face the dilemma of choosing between her parents? Could I keep changing my mind and tell my daughter that everything I taught her was wrong? Could I really turn a deaf ear and watch my mother grow old without anyone to rely on?

No.

So stop thinking about it. The more you think about it, the more painful and entangled you will become.

The way to solve a problem is to stop thinking about it.

Xiao Yun returned to his repetitive life. He could feel his energy and body gradually weakening, and he was unable to support the intensity of his work. He also watched batches of young people step into life with hope and confidence. He didn't think about anything and tried to live the life in front of him, pretending that his tongue was numb and he could taste sweetness from bitterness.

Until life tells him that you are no longer useful.

Nets don't catch fish that aren't worth anything.

"It's lung cancer, but the condition isn't too serious. If we have surgery, we can suppress the disease, and then he/she can rest and recover properly..."

The doctor looked at the dazed middle-aged man and recited what he was supposed to say, following the script.

The other person's eyes reddened, they swallowed a few times, raised their hand to cover their mouth and lowered their head, as if they were crying.

Having seen so many doctors, all I could do was sigh inwardly and offer no real help.

The middle-aged man wiped his eyes, looked up, and smiled.

The doctor froze, cautiously shifting to the inside—Holy crap! I've never seen someone laugh like that before!

"Thank you, doctor."

Xiao Yun smiled and nodded, then took the examination report and left.

He felt somewhat schizophrenic—sadness and relief exploded in his heart at the same time, with his wife, daughter and mother on one side and long-term repression on the other. Soon, the two were unified and coordinated.

A terminally ill patient who needs money can no longer support their life and will only become a burden.

Life doesn't need this kind of role. What other choice do I have besides this other role? No.

Xiao Yun packed his things, left some money for living expenses, gave the rest to his mother, and then prepared to return to his hometown.