I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"He remembers everything that happened afterwards. He's not a strong person, and he's vulnerable to separation and death. This overly intense stimulation will cause him to become confused and want to escape... That's why he often gives up on everything."

"Sheji...you have to wait for me."

She already knew where Sheji was from Linquanchuan's text message. She also knew that Linquanchuan alone couldn't dissuade Sheji at this point. He was no longer the optimist he once was, albeit a bit dark. His mental state was probably on the verge of collapse.

"Forgetting is the greatest blessing for him...but his inner longing for that person always makes him pursue the investigation without hesitation. It's not his fault...because that girl truly gave him the confidence to live a normal life. She is very important to him, so important that he can't live without her."

However, the person who was very important to him is no longer here.

It's not that they are inaccessible in terms of distance, but...

. . .

The incessant rain washed away the winding paths and muddy slopes, inevitably causing landslides under the combined forces of gravity and rain. Coincidentally, that road was a motorway leading to another city... Overloaded with passengers and luggage, the vehicles' stability was seriously compromised.

Undoubtedly, the car, pushed by the mud and water, inevitably overturned, and the passengers inside were submerged and crushed in the mud. Furthermore, the roads were rough and difficult, and communications were not well developed. By the time help arrived, no one had been rescued.

One of the people who died was her who left by car that day.

When the tumbling mud and water rolled down with the huge rocks, although her heart became panicked due to the crowd...but the first person she thought of was him.

"ah.."

It seems that I am destined not to be able to get the so-called happiness. He has done so much for me and paid so much for me. I didn't expect that I would end up like this.

I'm really sorry..

As the car was overturned by the impact of the mud and water, she slowly closed her eyes.

Even though he once told himself to forget her, in this situation, he still felt that he should forget me. The people on both sides kept pressing on her body, and she felt a little difficult to breathe.

The constant screams and sounds of breaking glass made her realize that the time she had was getting shorter and shorter.

In fact, she didn't know whether she would be happy in the future. Because she didn't know where her mother was, nor did she know where she would stay after reaching the end of her journey. So, maybe this was the best ending for her.

"..I'm sorry...Sheji."

Please forget me.

Because since I met you, I've brought you nothing but pain. You'll suffer because of my scars, because of my experiences, because of my departure... I'm just like my mother said, a person who brings pain to others. I really shouldn't exist in this world.

“Bang—!”

The car completely flipped over on the slope, still sliding under the constant push of the mud. The screams around her became more intense, but she also noticed that some people had completely stopped shouting.

".."

But meeting you is the most fortunate thing that has ever happened to me in this miserable life. In fact, I'm already very happy... Compared to everyone around me, I have nothing. So, when they face death, they're either in agony or wailing. And besides having difficulty breathing, I don't feel anything special.

After meeting you, I am already happy enough... and I have also escaped the control of that bastard father. I don't have to sell my body or do anything more painful than being beaten... It's great.

".."

The cold mud began to spread, as if to cover everyone. The throng of people, unable to escape, could only struggle in vain, closing their eyes in despair. She was alone, quietly waiting for that moment to arrive.

Forget me..

If you can forget me, you will definitely live a peaceful and happy life. You have always worked hard for the happiness of others, but you should focus more on yourself. You are the one who deserves happiness more.

“Haaa…Haaa…”

Thick mud buried her chest, and her body was constantly seeking oxygen out of physiological reaction. However, she could already feel her life slipping away.

“..I..I still…”

At a time like this, I still want to see you.

...

"...Then, when I opened my eyes, I found myself lying in a hospital bed. That bastard had broken several of my ribs and illegally detained a minor, so I hadn't figured out when... he'd been arrested." Sheji leaned against the railing, as if recounting someone else's experience. "At the time, I felt that I had exchanged my pain for Rumeng's eternal freedom and happiness, so this minor injury wasn't a big deal."

Lin Quanchuan just listened quietly. This was like the twists and turns in a novel. She could never have imagined that the melancholy hidden in his eyes actually had such a truth.

"...But the world always plays jokes on us. Sometimes small, sometimes big. But it's not a joke on me... What did I do wrong?" He smiled helplessly, but that smile revealed a sense of desolation. "Just when I was hoping that she could live a happy life, a report pushed me to the brink of despair."

He leaned back hard, his gaze fixed on the starless sky. Rinquanchuan felt like he was going to fall, so he took two steps forward, trying to stop him from leaning back any further.

"Does the sky really have eyes?! I can still clearly remember the question she asked me at that time. If it really has eyes, why does it always prevent those in misfortune from escaping their fate? I can't accept it, I simply can't accept it!"

Hysterical. He screamed hysterically—but was drowned out by the cheers of the crowd. People were immersed in joy and the ordinary world, completely indifferent to the wailing in the darkness.

"..Sheji..Calm down for a moment..."

He would fall... Worried about this, she moved closer again and tried to hold him back.

"I can't calm down! Her death is all because of me!" He suddenly jumped off the railing and approached Rinquanchuan who was running towards him. "You know what? If I hadn't let her get on that car... if I hadn't let her leave... she wouldn't have died in the accident. So all this is because of me! Can you understand this feeling?"

"..I.."

"You must not understand."

He looked at Rinquanchuan in front of him in despair, with absolutely no way of getting an answer from her face.

"I hope she can be happy... and even more, I hope she can still be alive... so that I can see her once. Just once... I've been hoping this for a long time. I feel like she's living a peaceful life somewhere, a place I don't know about... She's happy, no one forces her to do things she doesn't like, no one bullies or beats her anymore... This is what I've always hoped for, always."

He slowly fell to his knees.

What appeared before his eyes was the scene of himself kneeling in his own storage room.

Flipping through the pictures that were filled with memories, he finally came across the words Li Ruoming left for him.

"I also hope that you can be happy."

But if she didn't exist in the world, how could we find the so-called happiness and joy?

"..Ah, really..it just sounds like I'm complaining uselessly. Really."

He was feeling regretful just now, but now he looks relieved... Anyone with a discerning eye can see that his mental state is very unstable, a very worrying level of instability.

"After that, I had a high fever. It seemed like I couldn't bear the blow of that incident, so my brain went blank. I lay down for a whole day and night, and when I woke up, it was as if my memory had been erased. I had completely forgotten everything in the past, and I couldn't remember anything about her..."

".."

"My parents probably thought this was the best thing for me, so they never mentioned the past to me. But they definitely knew... I'm sure of it. That's how they looked at me... afraid I'd do something wrong, afraid I'd recall the past. When they found out I had a girlfriend and had become friends with so many people, they were finally able to relax... I was completely over her at that point, and that's why I found what they call happiness."

He stood up slowly and suddenly found tears streaming from the corners of his eyes. But he didn't feel sad.

"But this won't do... My life shouldn't be like this. This is what I got at the expense of her happiness and her life... It doesn't belong to me, right?" He turned to Rinquanchuan with a stubborn look, "Right? I don't deserve happiness. I killed two people, so I don't deserve happiness, right? So I don't deserve to be called a normal person, right!?"

"This this.."

Linquanchuan was frightened by this series of questions. Under Sheji's relentless pressure, she could only retreat with fear in her eyes. In her eyes, this was no longer the person she knew.

"Of course not!"

Ye Hui's voice suddenly rang out, causing the two of them to turn around and look towards the source of the voice.

Ye Hui, running at full speed, finally caught up with what was, in a sense, the most important conversation. She heard Sheji's most desperate cry and understood what he cared about and the knot in his heart that he couldn't overcome.

She had come here in a hurry just to help him. She couldn't help but feel the same pain as he did.

"...you said that's not the case...why?" He was still filled with confusion. "Isn't it because of me that she left? I don't believe it. If you're just trying to comfort me, you'd better give up this idea as soon as possible."

"I'm not saying this to comfort you..." She tried hard to suppress her panting due to the intense exercise, "I just feel that if Ruomeng were still here, she definitely wouldn't want you to suffer like this because of her. She's a gentle person, right? So she definitely wouldn't think that it's okay just because you did this... So, there's no need to give yourself so much pain. Sheji, you've done a great job. Whether it was helping her at that time or blaming yourself for another person's death... that wasn't what you wanted, nor was it your fault... it's just the world's fault. You can't change this world no matter what, right?"

"..it can't be changed no matter what."

he muttered.

He knew, he knew that the darkness of this world could not be dispelled. However, he also wanted to try his best to dispel that darkness. Even if it was just one person, just one person...

"No, this is my fault. I shouldn't have forgotten her." He kept rubbing his hair. "I... although I know how gentle she is... but, but I still..."

"Sheji...you have done enough."

Ye Hui told him from the bottom of his heart.

"No...that's not enough." He looked at his right hand touching his chest, "I still have a question that needs to be clarified. And this question cannot be answered by anyone other than her."

“..?” “Wait a minute, what does this mean?”

"I'm going to find her."

The tenderness and cruelty I saw

There is nothing at the end of the rugged road.

There's no barrier holding me back, yet I still can't find your trace. I should have understood that everything I've done is in vain. But even so, as long as there's even the slightest possibility, I still want to explore.

Over the years, my longing for her has been gathering in my heart, and finally solidified into a desire to see her again. No matter how difficult this wish is to achieve, I still want to find a way.

"I want to see her..."

I wanted to see her again. I knew she had long since departed this world, unbeautiful and unfriendly to her... yet I had a feeling she was still waiting for me somewhere. I had no reason, perhaps something was wrong with my brain, or perhaps I had grasped some truth... but I had no doubt that I would see her again.

"Sheji, calm down."

"I'm very calm."

Why do you look so worried? I just want to see someone important to me. It's a normal thought, why are you so flustered?

"You should know that she's gone. I don't think you'll ever see her again...so, don't say anything that will make others worry."

Ye Hui is so gentle. I sighed more than once.

How much does she care about me? What do I mean to her? I really want to find out. But I'd better wait until I meet her. Compared to meeting her, these things don't seem that important.

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine." I said this, patting my cheeks with both hands. "Well, now's not the time to think about these things. You should be looking forward to the party, right? You can't miss it because of me... This opportunity is rare, so let's go and see it together while it's still going on."

"But.."

Ye Hui still looked a little worried and was unwilling to move.

"Why are you still worried? I'm fine now." I said and walked towards the door. "After speaking my mind, I feel much better."

"But it's impossible for your mood to change so quickly... Sheji, you really are a little strange." She wanted to come over and touch my clothes, but stopped after thinking about something. "...If you're still sad, there's no need to suppress it. Just let it out. We will all understand."

"Ah, really, don't worry about me anymore, it's okay."

I no longer feel sad, because the saddest thing has already happened to me. I just need to find the final answer, and then I can live my life as usual.

"Forget about what happened today..."

Chapter 17: Tenderness and Cruelty

As if the gods who control the weather had a sudden impulse, the cold wind that had raged for days finally subsided today. And as always, the passing time was covered in a layer of ordinary cloth, disappearing without a trace of awareness.

He seemed to have forgotten that night and everything about her. From that day on, he went to school as usual, and no one noticed any difference whether he was studying or daydreaming.

"..."

Just like when Lingcan first decided to leave, he simply lost interest in everything and stared out the window more often. Often, he acted like a lifeless statue, reacting to his surroundings with unusually slow or even no reaction at all. This behavior not only insulted the teacher's dignity, but also made those watching him worry about him.

However, they couldn't explain why they were worried.

"Sheji...are you okay?" "Sheji, are you okay?" "What are you looking at?"

Anyone who passed by his desk couldn't help but say a few words to him, and then followed him to look out the window. After finding that there was nothing special and getting no response, they left in disappointment.

Of course, there are times when you need to respond.

"..What are you looking at?"

This was a greeting from Ye Hui, he could tell it was there. He would be silent for a long time before responding to her questions.

"Outside the window." The answer was unusually brief and without any emotion.

"I know... What I want to ask is, what are you looking at outside the window?" Even so, Ye Hui still did not give up. She liked to talk to him, no matter what his condition was, as long as he was still here.

"All."

“All of them…”

There was no way to continue the conversation. This was completely different from before, when he would talk to me so much. Whether he was happy or upset, he would tell me his thoughts... How long would this situation last?

"...I've been thinking about this." He finally uttered a slightly longer sentence, "The relationship between man and the world."

"Isn't this too profound?" Ye Hui felt a little bit unable to understand. If possible, she really hoped that Sheji could consider its own situation.

"It's not profound...Aren't you and I both human beings living in this world? So it's normal to think about why we exist and why we behave this way or that way." He didn't turn around to look at Ye Hui beside him, but stared at the distant sky for a long time.

"So..what did you come up with?"