I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

I felt it from the beginning that if I didn't stop them, things would turn out like this. Why, why...

"I want to go find her..." I tried to stand up, but found that my legs were frozen, numb and cold, and they didn't obey my command at all. "What's going on... Move, move."

Even though he punched his legs with great force, he still couldn't feel his legs.

"Don't be so excited..." He wanted to help me up, but I pushed him aside in excitement. His body, which was thinner than that of an average person, bumped into the tables and chairs beside him, knocking the relatively neat desks into askew.

"...Don't touch me..."

I am angry.

I was angry at my momentary cowardice, I was angry at the people around me, I was angry at those who had so-called power but used it to bully others, I was angry at myself for being useless... There were so many things to be angry about, so many that I didn't know who to vent to.

"...hateful..."

I should know where she is.

I had no control over my legs, but I still struggled to run out of the classroom with staggering steps.

I accidentally looked out the window and saw heavy snow falling.

Chapter 6: Silence

The dark sky seemed to be about to fall, hollow and deep, with heavy snow falling from it like goose feathers, mixed with the cold wind and blown all over the streets.

The forest of steel didn't feel any warmer despite the snowflakes. My legs, feeling nothing, trudged through the snow-covered streets, as if nothing existed except the snow. Pedestrians, cars, these things that had nothing to do with me now disappeared.

My body mechanically moved forward. It was as if I didn't want to give up on something so easily... It was strange, I felt like I had given up on so many things without knowing when. But I still felt like there were still many things I couldn't let go of.

Snowflakes kept hitting my face.

What on earth am I doing now? It seems like I'm just doing something futile. Even if I punish myself, even if I punish those people, how much can I undo what's already happened? But I can't just pretend it never happened and do nothing.

"What should I do..."

Walking in the vastness of the world, I can only ask myself questions. The process of searching for answers is lonely... I once wanted to forget this feeling and just live an ordinary life, but now it seems I can't give it up.

Why exactly...

"The answer is actually quite simple."

Such a familiar voice. Even thinking about it, I still wanted to keep walking. I had to find her...

"The answer...what is the answer..."

There are so many things that confuse me. Many things don't have answers, and even if there are answers, people are unwilling to do what the correct answers suggest.

It's no use. I'm already too disappointed with what I see now. If I'm destined to keep walking like this, then let me keep walking with these legs.

"You should have found it by now."

"..."

What the hell is this guy talking about...

"I didn't find it, there is nothing at all..." If you already knew the answer you wanted, why would you be so confused?

"...Do you want to know?"

"...Of course." But I didn't stop.

"Then I can tell you now."

"...Who are you?"

I gradually stopped and looked around.

. . . . . . . . . . .

"Beep-beep-beep-"

The phone's dial time passed, but no one answered. It wasn't the first time, but this time, Yi Shaji was truly disconnected. Neither his parents at home, nor Rin Hanekawa, who had returned home, nor the friends who had met him today knew where Yi Shaji was.

It's been raining and snowing, and being out in the open in this weather makes me feel uneasy. No, it's not uneasy, it's really worrying.

I don't know if he even read the message. Ever since a certain incident, his eyes have been shrouded in sadness.

She suddenly remembered something. Back then, he seemed to have entrusted her with something extremely important. She had a better understanding of that person's affairs. However, the person she had been with for so long hadn't remembered those unpleasant past events.

"I need to go out for a while—"

After saying something to her mother who was busy cooking, she hurried downstairs with an umbrella and a scarf wrapped around her neck.

"Wait a minute, where are you going?" the father asked in confusion. "Can't you go after dinner?"

"I'm going to look for someone," she replied briefly. "I can't get in touch with them no matter what."

"Eh? Your mom and I are good at this kind of thing...why don't we go and help you find it?"

"No, no, just go eat. I'm busy enough as it is, don't worry about me."

In short, she finally embarked on the journey to find Yisheji.

But the city is so big that it is not easy to find someone.

Hotels, bars, internet cafes, game rooms... there were plenty of places to hide from the elements. But no matter what, he shouldn't have ignored calls and messages. But she didn't want to think about the possibility of something unexpected happening... nothing would happen to him.

"Where was the last place you and him separated?"

In short, she wanted to search the way back home to Sheji first. After finding out the way back, she immediately turned in that direction.

........

"It's you... No, it shouldn't be." I tried to lift my head and think carefully, but found that it was impossible. "You probably don't know me."

Standing before me was Feng Rongqing. But I didn't remember knowing her, and yet I had the impression that I'd studied with her... What was going on?

"You told me that you had a lot of confusion." She smiled. "Now I want to try my best to answer your questions, as long as you promise one thing."

"....What's the matter?" I actually didn't intend to agree to her.

"Don't go any further."

"...Why."

I tried to extend my gaze back and found that there seemed to be a familiar road there.

"You will regret this."

"...How do you know?" I didn't want to pay attention to her words and prepared to move on.

"It's not that I know, but you've known it for a long time." Her voice suddenly changed to Ruiyun's lazy words. But I didn't seem to be surprised at all, because I had felt this way before.

"...I was wondering why it felt so strange."

It felt like I was on an endless repetition, like I was stuck in a seemingly endless loop. So that's how it was, even though it felt like I was in reality, if the world I was in wasn't real, then everything would make sense.

"...Your obsession is really strong."

He sighed helplessly.

"is it?"

"You seemed completely indifferent to the first two things. But in this case, you've been trying your best to change the course of events. This confirms what you care about." His voice gradually grew weaker, then completely returned to its original state. "This may be the biggest regret of your life."

"...it's you..."

There was that childhood self of mine, a self I never knew what I believed in, yet one I truly believed in. Compared to my later self, it seemed innocent and childish, but compared to my current self, it felt almost ideal. If I had lived my life this way, what kind of person would I have become... I couldn't help but wonder.

"I'm sorry, because I also have something I want to tell you... but I'm afraid you won't be able to accept it right away, so I'm letting you get used to it in this way first."

"..." His way of speaking was really different from his more mature self. "So, now my body is under your control?"

"As much as I wanted to, I couldn't." He shrugged helplessly, "So I just let you fall asleep somewhere like on the side of the road."

"No way? Then how many days have I slept now?"

I can still stay calm in this situation. What if my pockets get stolen? Besides, can't I sleep in a better place?

"...The way people perceive time in dreams is different from how they perceive time in normal situations. Even though it feels like days have passed, it's really only been a little over an hour."

"...more than one..."

Isn't that a long time? The last time I slept outside, I caught a cold for several days. I don't know how many more days I'll be in pain this time.

"Ah, no wonder my hands and feet are so cold no matter how much I exercise. I see."

"Alright, alright, stop sighing. You really want to wake up soon and live your life as you wish, right? So stop wasting your time... Just listen carefully to what I'm going to say next."

"...Is this a serious topic?"

You can probably understand it by looking at his expression.

"What do you say?"

"...Why are you afraid I won't be able to accept it?" I was completely baffled. "You, me, and this other person...aren't we all supposed to be me? Why would our ability to handle it differ?"

"...It's actually very simple. It's because you're too easily swayed by your emotions—even if you've always wanted to give up. The other person and I are the personalities we develop after successfully letting go of something." He pointed at himself. "What I gave up was right and wrong."

"..."

I don’t seem to understand this very well.

"I used to only know right from wrong. I couldn't accept many things... I argued over things, overly dividing them into right and wrong." His eyelids drooped slightly. "But that won't work... It's really hard to measure many things in terms of right and wrong."

"...Is it difficult?"

"I certainly felt it was difficult back then. Don't you find it difficult even now? You might as well just give up caring about it—you've probably thought about that before, haven't you?"

"..."

"Do you know what you will see after crossing this intersection?" He said this and then fell silent.

"...Know."

That was something I had wanted to avoid, but due to various reasons...whether it was cowardice or luck, it was ultimately unavoidable.

"...Actually, that should be what he experienced."

The "he" this guy is talking about should be the one from last time...

"Aren't we one? I've said that many times."

"...Don't you think the body is just a container? A soul from childhood to adulthood isn't necessarily one and the same. While memories may be connected, the way we act and think can be completely different." He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. "If you look at what you wrote before now, you'll definitely wonder if you even wrote it before."

"...Is that so..." Actually, I'm just a newly born soul, inheriting only a few memories from before. It's hard to accept. "Then what are you trying to tell me?"

"...about her."

After much hesitation, he seemed to decide to tell me the truth.

"she?"

I didn't understand who he was referring to.

"Why do you look so puzzled..." He sighed and helplessly explained my doubts, "It's about Li Ruoming's whereabouts."

"...!"

It was like a bolt from the blue. I felt my entire body tremble. It wasn't because I'd heard about Li Ruoming... but because I'd heard about her whereabouts from my childhood self. Doesn't that mean I'd had the final answer from the beginning?

“…it turns out I knew the answer…” But why can’t I remember it…this shouldn’t be the case.

"He and I are the ones who know the answer... It's not appropriate for you to remember anything about her."

"...Why?" I really want to see her.

"Because your feelings for her are too strong. We are worried that if we tell you the truth, you will do something that will harm this body."

"...Then why are you telling me now..." Since you know you shouldn't tell me.

"I'm about to disappear completely like him. And even if I don't want you to, you'll remember everything that happens next. So instead of leaving you confused by then, I think I should give you some time to recover."

"...What happened?"

I began to feel a strong sense of unease in my heart.

It was like walking down that road that led to the abandoned building a few years ago. I felt like I had sensed something, yet I was still harboring a sense of luck, hoping that my premonition was completely wrong.

"...Actually, it should have been a while. But you were so obsessed with this matter that you couldn't get over it..."

"It's okay, tell me..."

"That's why I hesitated."

"Don't hesitate any longer...just tell me..."

"...but I really don't have much time. I'm sorry."