I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

No matter how many times you say something like this, the troubles you face won't go away. So sighing doesn't necessarily reduce your happiness; the person who says it is probably just annoyed by your sighs being too loud.

There are both good intentions and bad intentions in the world, but when interacting with people, the intentions they encounter most often lie somewhere in between. An obvious example is when someone reminds you, "Don't sigh, happiness will slip away." They're simply annoyed by you, but can't express it directly, so they can only hint at it. Whether they understand is another question.

In short, although we are still at a young age, the psychological pressure we bear is not easy. We don't want to show it, we don't want to care, but we have to care.

Living in this world with such a tangle is really troublesome. But from another perspective, I am probably enjoying this tangle.

As the saying goes, "I think, therefore I am." A tangled mindset is like a tangled existence in the world. Choosing a relatively smooth path amidst this tangle is like untying a knot in fate, a feeling of exhilaration—though this feeling rarely occurs, often leaving one exhausted and bored.

Sadness always appears for no reason. I try to figure out the reason but can never find the source. It is like a cold wind that lingers around me for no reason. As long as I am on the street of life, I will be entangled endlessly and feel the coldness brought by this wind.

—Excerpt from "Collection of Sad Essays." Yisheji. November 23, 2017

Chapter 5: Actually, I don’t care about this at all

I should have realized from the beginning that Ye Jin was incredibly superior to me in this area, given my talent. The reason I said it was incredible was simply because I didn't want to explore the reasons.

If you don't explore things like talent, you can use it as an excuse to give up on yourself. Of course, this is true for ordinary people, but the reason I didn't explore it is precisely because Ye Jin is not the kind of person who takes it seriously, so the answers hidden in it must be extremely boring. Since it is extremely boring, there is naturally no need to dig deeper.

"...It's come to this..."

Whether she finds this place or not, I'm not surprised. If she can't, it means she's just an ordinary middle school girl. If she can, it means she's very capable, "a sister I'm proud of." Given the prevailing notion that "older is always better than younger," I can certainly share some of her talent. There's no shortage of bravado in the world anyway, so it's no big deal for me to take their place.

"Crunch, crunch, crunch—"

The perfectly balanced roasted meat, with just the right amount of fat and lean meat, resonated through my skull with these sounds. The richness of the meat and the sauce complemented perfectly, making it hard not to chew a few more times.

Just when I had almost finished half of the barbecue in the bowl, the silence in the store - at least it was relatively quiet in my eyes - was disturbed by a wild figure like a hurricane.

Along with the inherent "Welcome" prompt sound when entering the store, Ye Jin, who seemed to have been running wildly on the street for more than ten minutes, miraculously appeared in front of me.

Oh, excuse me for correcting my wording.

Using a word like "miracle" with such sacred connotations in a situation like that was a complete waste. So, while she spent three seconds searching for me, I silently replaced the word with the more fitting "ghostly."

She descended upon the place like a ghost. Her eyes, oppressive and ghostly, swept through the shop, and finally, like a ghost, she slowly approached me, as if she had seen a ghost.

"Oh, I found you—"

Maybe it was because she was so hungry, or because she had run all the way here, or because my joke was too hard for her to accept, but in short, she spoke to me with an indescribable hideous expression.

If we ignore the reality setting, when facing a guy with such an aura, it would be quite normal for me to take out a belt or something, put it on and transform myself the next second.

"...Oh, that's pretty impressive."

Saying this in a calm manner was the best I could do, and I had no other thoughts at all.

"Hehehe..." She sneered and grabbed the menu beside her, "Everything! Anything I want! Right?!"

"..."

. . . . . . .

"Eat quickly, quickly, quickly—"

Ye Jin beside me urged me on, but didn't order anything on the menu.

"Your appearance reminds me of a waiter in a restaurant who gets too angry and kicks people out." Of course, I haven't experienced anything like that. I've only heard of it.

"I can't help it. There's nothing I want on the menu here. Besides, if you lose a bet like this, I'm going to make you pay big time."

“…”

She seemed to have completely forgotten the fact that she'd been running all this way. She still looked quite normal at that moment...or rather, gave off a quiet impression. Unfortunately, no matter how well-behaved she seemed to others, in my mind, she would always be...like a worrying younger brother.

"By the way, how did you know I was here?" Instead of being urged by her all the time, it would be better to let her say something else. At least this way, my ears would be able to absorb less meaningless repetitive sentences.

"...Why are you asking that?"

"I'm just curious."

"You're asking because you can't do it and can't think of a reason. You think I can do it, and I'm awesome and cute, and I'm a thousand times better than you, a lazy, useless, otaku. Is that right?"

"......"

Who did you learn this kind of exaggerated rhetorical question from?

"Ah, that's right, that's it."

Anyway, it's a mental victory method, using various methods to make me admit that I'm not as good as her, which means that deep down she still thinks I have some advantages over her. (Mental victory method × 2)

"Well, since you asked sincerely."

"..."

"Then I'll explain. What's wrong? You look a little disappointed."

"No." I was just surprised that she didn't deviate from other people's lines.

"It's not that complicated actually... I'm not like you who stays at home all day. When I have nothing to do, I just wander around town."

Compared to me at home, your behavior is really idle.

"So naturally, the information I have is different from yours. If our roles were reversed, you would never have guessed the location. After all, you rarely go out at this time of year... Of course, I don't go out that often either."

This guy seems to have exposed something.

"The idea that I can't do it because you can't do it yourself is ridiculous. I can tell where you are just by the name of the dish you ordered, the noise coming from the microphone, and the restaurant's perpetual promotional music."

"..."

"I have personally surveyed and recorded the density of vehicles and pedestrians on each street at this time."

"Why are you investigating this?"

"...Of course I want to satisfy my detective instincts. Wouldn't it be cool to show everyone my reasoning?"

"...Yeah, you're in junior high school after all."

It's time to reach the age where I can't bear to look back on my dark history.

"So you've run into my trap this time. It's impossible for you to embarrass me." She laughed triumphantly.

"I'm not trying to embarrass you or anything..."

Actually, I was just kidding.

Saying this kind of thing again now seems like asking for trouble, so forget it.

"No matter what, you lost anyway. As the saying goes, you'll keep your promise, right?"

"Hmm."

This guy always has an inexplicable stubbornness about insignificant things.

If you can listen, then listen.

"You don't have any friends?"

When examining himself, he was not unqualified to ask such questions, so he asked Ye Jin, who was eagerly waiting for the ingredients in the pot to be cooked, about her life and social life without a trace of shame.

"Why would a guy who only has his lovely sister to spend Saturdays with ask me such a question?"

Is this the kind of backlash that would be expected... But whatever shortcomings the person raising the question has, it doesn't affect the question that has already been raised.

"You seem to have overlooked who I was with before I met you." I couldn't help but pat my chest with a little pride. "To be honest, most of the people I interacted with were girls."

It’s hard to count them even with ten fingers.

"So you can't fit in at all in boys' circles? How pitiful." She fished out the mutton rolls from the bottom of the pot. "Now that I think about it, I wish I were your younger brother."

"Oh, it's rare that you have such an idea."

"So you can share the perverted thoughts that are pent up in your heart with younger men, right?"

“There are some things I still know what I should and shouldn’t say.”

I was about to pick up my chopsticks, but she quickly stopped me. Her chopsticks clamped onto the tip of my chopstick, and for a moment I didn't know what to do.

"Since you're the one who invited me, there's no reason for you to pick up the chopsticks yourself, right?"

"That's totally unreasonable of you. I'm the one paying for it, but I can't eat it myself?"

"You've already had dinner. It would be a waste to eat more when you're full."

"That's unfortunate. I'm suddenly hungry now."

"That won't work either." She said sternly, "Giving it to someone like you would be a waste."

"That's a prejudice. For commodities, as long as someone pays for them, no matter how they're used, there's no waste. Whether they're thrown away or used normally is a matter of the owner's decision. Once a commodity becomes currency, there's no such thing as waste."

"Who taught you that?" she asked back, looking quite unconvinced.

"It's none of your business, right? Whatever comes out of my mouth belongs to me."

"Then, the word 'arrogant' is not an exaggeration to describe you."

"I am just this kind of person... no matter what you say or what others say. I won't change unless I choose to do so." Having said that, I changed a lot without realizing it.

"You lie so naturally," she said, letting go of her chopsticks. "I'm too lazy to argue with you."

"Be with each other."

Rather than arguing with her about something that would lead to nothing, it would be more practical to eat the cooked meat.

Chapter 6: If you can listen, then listen.

If I had to explain why, it might just be because we're siblings. Having been together since childhood, even without paying much attention, I've gotten to know her a little better. In short, I've noticed she's planning something.

It looked the same as usual, but that didn't mean there wasn't a difference. Although it was an accidental discovery, she had concealed it well, so we couldn't yet understand what she was doing... but it definitely wasn't like she was creating a travel guide or something.

"Hey, Ye Jin..."

She's not the type to settle things down; she'll definitely find a way to eliminate anything she doesn't like. This is a subtle similarity between me and her, but I'm not sure to what extent she's doing this.

"What's wrong?"

I spent nearly two hundred dollars on a meal, but she didn't seem grateful at all. Instead, she looked at me with impatience. This is what they call a heartless person... I'm willing to accept the loss, but I'm still her brother.

"Have you had no troubles lately?"

"...Of course not." She responded calmly.

"Really?... You should be old enough to have those kinds of worries."

"Troubled? You mean the abnormal mentality displayed by young girls about to enter puberty, and the abnormal behavior caused by such mentality?"

"Well...that's about it." It was probably not much different from what I was thinking at that time.

"Didn't you always say this before? 'Youth is just a lie.'"

"...You still remember it."

But now I can't tell what kind of mentality I had when I said such words.

"This is... well, who would deliberately remember such useless words? I just happened to think of it."

I had already heard the first half of the sentence, so even if she changed her words, I could roughly guess what she originally wanted to say.

"Well, at least you remembered it. It's a little embarrassing to be reminded of what I said... but I'm still happy."

"...It's so disgusting. Why say such things?"

"Even if I don't want to care, the heat of youth is always burning in others. Scorched by the heat, I always feel dizzy...I wonder if I can be like that."

"Hey, hey, what are you talking about, bro?"

"It's just a possibility." I tried to touch her head with my hand, but she didn't resist. "You probably won't remember it even if I tell you now. But I still want to say that my mind is filled with all kinds of thoughts. No matter how hard I try, I still can't figure it out."

“…”

“Maybe it’s not such a bad thing to celebrate ridiculous youth like the people around you.”

This is already a hint to her. If she is planning to do something, I still hope she can give it up and become someone like the people around her.

Because of this relationship, even if I say I hate it, I will still be worried.

"I don't want to be like everyone else. You think the same way, brother, that's why you do those unsociable things, right?"

“…”

"In my opinion, although you are not handsome, the ideas conveyed by your actions are very handsome. I like this idea and naturally want to imitate it."