I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

Chapter 12: The more serious the situation, the more it is that you have brought this upon yourself.

so quiet.

All I could hear was the clatter of heavy rain. I'd experienced that kind of rain before: it was only a fine, dense shower. If I raised my head even slightly, it wouldn't be long before a sizable droplet of water formed on my face. Even so, neither I nor Ye Jin, who was already at school, thought of grabbing an umbrella before leaving the house.

It seems we're all driven by the same impulse. Having already left the house, I don't want to go back. Even if it's just a few steps away—if I ever leave something important at home because of this, maybe I'll change this habit.

"...yawn..."

The raindrops that kept hitting the various roofs, and the water droplets that condensed on the eaves and kept dripping, fell on some metal products, making a rather monotonous but regular sound.

Tears welled up in my eyes. My head felt groggy—I didn't know if it was the heat's effects on my brain, the medication... or maybe it was just because I didn't sleep well last night. Anyway, I didn't even have the energy to pick up a pen. So, the best option right now was probably to go upstairs to my room and get some sleep.

But now that I no longer have the strength to lift a pen, it is naturally difficult for me to move my legs.

"..."

No, to put it bluntly, it's just laziness.

Although it seems to be a short distance, it is still quite difficult to move my body given my current physical condition.

"So..."

As a last resort, I'd just wrap myself in the blanket I hadn't put away and wait for the tiredness to set in, then lie down. So, ultimately, I have to keep writing... After all, this is only the first story, and there's still a lot to write. And time, it seems, isn't much left.

"I always take on a lot of trouble..."

Am I complaining to myself? It seems I am. But I always feel like if I don't get caught up in the mess, I'll start thinking about things I shouldn't.

Yet, even now, I've gradually come to recall quite a few things. And no matter what the past was, I've accepted it all...at least on the surface, quite calmly, thinking, "It's all in the past." This forced suppression of my emotions has left me completely unsure how to face the past, and I try not to dwell on the past that has already been recalled.

Maybe it's because it's so painful to think about it, so my past self chose to forget it... Then logically, I should also forget these things as time goes by... Doesn't this become a cycle?

"So...what if we add the concept of 'loop'..."

I'll put random thoughts into words. I'm not entirely sure, but anyone involved in creative writing probably has similar experiences... Well, while my mind is still clear, I'll try to write as much as I can.

......

"Dongdong—dongdong—"

A fairly regular heartbeat. But unlike usual, this one sounded... very rapid, as if it had just experienced intense exercise, or... had received a great shock. It felt quite unusual.

...Ah, something seems off... Why use that term... Well, forget it. So, whose heartbeat is this, anyway?

"Dongdong—dongdong—"

It was as if I had lost all my senses, and the only thing I could feel was hearing.

I seem to have had a similar experience before. When exactly was it?

“…,… ……. ……——”

Someone seemed to be saying something in my ear. But I couldn't make it out clearly... Even if I concentrated all my attention, all I could hear was still blurry... I could barely make out the sounds of human speech...

“…,…——…”

What on earth... are you talking about?

My curiosity grew in this situation. I wanted to get closer to the source of the sound I couldn't perceive, perhaps that way I could hear those words more clearly. But no matter how hard I tried, my body felt like it had vanished, unable to control it... No, it felt like something was controlling me, unable to transmit my thoughts to my limbs.

“…. ….. ….. …!!!”

Although I couldn't hear them, I could clearly feel the emotions contained in those words - the clearest of which was probably anger.

“————————!!!”

No, it should be said that he was furious.

“Pah—”

Should I call it an illusion or reality? I felt a clear, unmistakable sound beside my ears. Then, a powerful flash of light streaked through the darkness, and with the passing of a curved line, my previously insensible body suddenly regained its sense of existence.

Relying on quite intense pain.

"what--"

The sound of the rain still lingered in my ears, as well as the sound of my own rapidly beating heart that I could hear through the cushions of the sofa as I lay on it.

“...Ha...hiss...ha..."

When I came to my senses, I felt like I had just experienced a very intense exercise. My back was soaked with sweat, and I couldn't help but breathe heavily.

The pain in my forehead continued to spread. It felt like it was about to explode... but just as it was about to explode, it suddenly contracted, then spread again... This meaningless cycle repeated over and over again.

“…Ah…Ah…”

My throat was so dry that I couldn't utter a word.

Although I could open my eyes, what I could see was quite blurry...I could only catch a glimpse of the water glass on the table, and the half glass of water that had not been finished and had already gone cold.

Although my brain is quite confused by the pain, I haven't lost my ability to think properly. I don't know if it's because I got soaked by the rain on my way back, but the symptoms have gotten worse after taking the medicine... I don't know what the fever is now... Judging from the situation, it's not good.

“…”

Is this what he deserves? He chose to sleep on the polite sofa instead of returning to his room and resting peacefully on his bed. Ah, what a troublemaker... If Ye Jin saw this scene, he would definitely scold him again.

But now is not the time to worry about that...

...I need that... My throat, already aching, desperately needs water. However, no matter what my brain commands, my body won't move according to its will. It simply can't move... It seems I've truly turned a minor cold into a major one—perhaps I'm a genius at this.

"Cough cough cough—cough cough—"

A series of coughs caused my already uncomfortable throat to ache. I'd rather use dreams to quickly escape this pain, just like I did just now... but falling asleep now seems difficult.

...I could faintly hear my phone ringing. But since I was completely unable to move, I naturally couldn't check or answer it... What time was it now?... It was always cloudy, and the dim light coming through the window made it impossible to tell the time.

"..."

It feels like someone is coming... When is it?... My head hurts, I can't seem to remember clearly... Damn, it's obviously just a cold...

"...Sheji...Are you home? Open the door quickly..."

That voice is so familiar...whose voice is it? I need to open the door...but I can't move at all...ah, this is so frustrating. What should I do?

Sleepiness always comes at strange times.

As I kept asking myself questions, I felt so sleepy that I closed my eyes again.

What I think is still continuing

What is this...

Before my eyes, no, in my head... all sorts of images kept appearing. They were all from my past memories, regardless of whether I consciously recalled them or not. In short, those images were now displayed before me.

This seems like a rather ominous situation... I've heard that this thing is called a "revolving lantern." It appears when a person is facing a serious crisis, especially when their life is at risk.

In other words, am I going to die? It shouldn't be... no... it's just a fever, it shouldn't be a big deal, right?

Even though I tried to comfort myself in this way, the things I could recall were already increasing. Whether it was things I already knew or trivial things that I had forgotten over time, they all spread out before my eyes.

“…”

If your life really comes to an end, what will appear before your eyes?

Chapter 13: What I thought about is still continuing

The sound of rain outside the window continued unabated. Hearing this sound meant I hadn't died from a minor illness—should I say this was a cause for celebration or something? Thinking this way, I opened my eyes a little. While the pain had subsided slightly, I could still feel I was definitely ill.

My head still hurt. The feeling of wanting to explode and escape to the outside world was gone, but the radiating pain wouldn't go away. I was beginning to think I wasn't simply sick, but rather that I'd fallen and hit the back of my head while half-dazed.

“...cough cough cough...”

Maybe it's because I've woken up, my throat is naturally starting to remind me that it has problems too. Ah... I'm so embarrassed just by doing this, I can't let anyone see me like this...

"You're finally awake... That's great."

“…”

However, the face that appeared before him was quite familiar.

I don't know how Ye Hui ended up at my house, but now he's sitting next to me, looking at me with a worried look, probably because I was unconscious. Only after I woke up did his expression gradually relax.

Now, this embarrassing look was seen by the person who should not have seen it.

"...Mmm...Sorry to bother you..."

I don't know exactly what she did, but given her personality, she definitely wouldn't just sit there and wait for me to wake up.

"What are you talking about? I was really scared at that time." She looked like she wanted to complain, but because of my current state, she couldn't say anything too harsh... She looked so entangled, but she was also quite cute. However, I'd better not let this expression appear on her face again in the future...

"...Uh...I can't seem to remember clearly..."

"Don't you remember... I knocked on the door for a long time before you came over and opened it for me. And before you could even take a few steps back, you collapsed to the ground." She said as she helped me up from the sofa. "I was really scared at the time... I thought something was going to happen to you."

"....ah."

I see, it seems I really fell because of this. Although I'm not sure if it was the back of my head.

"...Feel sorry..."

Should I say that I didn't mean to scare her or what... I can't control this kind of thing.

"No need to apologize... I just think Sheji needs to take good care of himself." She put the cup of water in my hand and said, "Anyway, drink some water first. You sweated a lot while you were unconscious."

"...Um, thank you..."

My cheeks felt quite hot from the start. Of course, that was because I was sick, but it felt like my entire body had been soaked in hot water...

"If something happens... a lot of people will be sad."

"Hmm..." Of course I know this. My life no longer belongs solely to me. No matter what happens, it affects the people around me.

"...By the way, what did you do while I was...while I was unconscious, Yehui?" I didn't really have any special plans. It was just a casual chat while drinking water... But Yehui didn't respond immediately. As if he had heard something obscene, he immediately turned his head away.

"......"

"...Actually, there's nothing..."

"Uh...uh...hmm."

It's weird, this is definitely weird! If there really wasn't anything, why would her first reaction be to turn her back so I can't see her expression? Something must have happened.

"...Just...use a wet towel to wipe your sweat, or something like that."

“…”

Hmm? What exactly does "something like that" mean? My imagination can't stand such teasing... Even though I don't really want to, it's already tending to stray slightly.

"...Um, Sheji...you don't seem very strong."

“Cough cough cough—cough cough—!!!”

. . . . . . . . .

Loss, real loss.

Not waking up at the critical moment is the biggest loss in life.

"I'm sorry, please forget about it!"

"...Oh, yeah."

Such a strong reaction made me feel embarrassed. It looked like I had wiped her body with a towel...ah, but I think there will be no chance in this life.

And there's nothing wrong with that. As a guy, being seen naked isn't a loss... Besides, it was only my upper body that was seen. If I had to say anything, it was just that she told me about it while I was drinking water and nearly choked on it—I guess a lot of her apology came from that incident—that's how I guessed.

"Then... I'll go check and see if the rice is steamed properly."

After a while of being awkward, she finally found a reason to leave. And I was finally able to ease the awkward atmosphere that had grown awkward without knowing when...

"Oh...sorry to bother you...really."

Actually, it would have been fine if she had just brought me the homework. No, even if she didn't, that would have been fine. Of course, in my current state... there was no way I could do that. But she not only brought me my notes and homework, she even went so far as to make dinner for me.

I was so moved I almost cried. Yet, looking back, I had no way to repay her, no suitable way to do so—if only she were a man, we would become close friends, and I could repay her with my treasured pornography collection—I must be crazy to have come up with such a terrifying assumption in the blink of an eye.

"..."

Well, forget it. If I really wanted to find out how much I owed her, I wouldn't know how to repay her. Besides, she wouldn't ask me to pay her back... That's just the way she is. Her kindness to others is often born out of her good nature... Even if it were someone else, she would probably care for them the same way.

"...Tsk, trouble."