I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

I really can't imagine what it's like to smoke in a restroom. Having learned a little about molecular diffusion, and not wanting to spend even a moment in a restroom, I feel a pity for those who smoke and chat at the same time.

"I heard you went to stop that 'Harmony' again yesterday."

"Um..."

The guy next to me had a lit cigarette in his mouth. When he heard the person next to him talking, he responded calmly.

"How's that chest? Are you okay?"

Ah, so this is the topic... I'd better not let this kind of scumbag's behavior pollute my ears.

"It's a flat deal, what's there to say... hehe."

After saying this, he finally couldn't help laughing. It was an unbridled laugh, as if he hadn't done anything excessive for a woman.

"Well, we're in the same class after all, so please be a little more polite."

"Not to her... Honestly, I'd rather touch my girlfriend."

Classmate...Hey, wait a minute.

I thought of something and couldn't help but carefully identify the guy who was chatting and laughing with others... Although I don't know his name, he must be the guy who always sits at the back of my class.

"He's someone you can't mess with."

It's the person my neighbor at the table mentioned who needs attention.

If that's the case...then there's no other candidate I can think of.

"....hiss...."

In an attempt to suppress his emotions, he couldn't help but gasp.

"Hey, that guy has been standing there for a long time..." "Hey, he's still breathing, haha." "Is there something wrong with him?" "Brother, you should go see a doctor as soon as possible, haha."

This wasn't out of concern, but rather a joke, as joking about these things was their usual style.

What am I thinking about.

"Oh... sorry..." I apologized without even thinking, and I had no idea why.

What I do know is that even if I knew what they were doing, I wouldn't be able to do anything on my own.

"Nothing, just continue~" "...Hey, do you have any cigarettes?" "No."

Then he stopped paying attention to me and continued talking to himself.

And it seems that I have no choice but to leave this option in disappointment.

“Crash—”

The moment the clean water from the faucet touched my hands, I suddenly felt... a feeling that was almost forgotten.

“…As expected…”

Just like myself at that time, even if I wanted to protect something, it was all in vain.

"...." "...." "...."

For some reason, the world around me is getting noisier and noisier. Ah, this is really annoying.

silently

Although I have never really understood what people call a "revolving lantern" specifically, if I were to judge based on my feelings, it would probably be similar to poorly edited shots... Important and unimportant things all flood into my mind, and I have so many thoughts that I don't know how to deal with them, and then I naturally choose to shut down.

This was probably why I was standing here, completely clueless. The dark alley offered protection from the harsh sunlight, but the temperature was no lower than the surrounding area... Anyway, I hadn't figured out how long I'd been standing there, but sweat was already coating my forehead and back.

"Gu..."

Swallowing meaninglessly.

My legs were trembling slightly, I don’t know if it was because I had been standing for a long time or because I was subconsciously afraid of something... I wanted to approach the abandoned building, but now I felt inexplicably resistant.

"......"

Have I noticed something...

Finally, I took a step forward. One step at a time, as if suppressing something in my heart, I slowly approached the old building.

Episode 9 Silently

"hiss--"

Inhale subconsciously.

Then, my sense of smell picked up a scent that permeated the surroundings. And when I saw its source...

“Thump, thump, thump—”

Suddenly, such a voice rang in my ears.

Anyone who heard it would realize that it was the sound of someone running.

The sound came from my legs, which were already on the verge of collapse. It was as if I was running away from something, and then... something terrifying was chasing me. My brain froze again, and I subconsciously wanted to escape from that place.

"Pah."

With my eyes filled with inexplicably colored spots, it was perfectly normal for me to not be able to see the road clearly. So, after tripping over something that felt like wood, I finally lost my balance and fell heavily to the ground.

“Sizzle—rustle—”

"Ah ah ah..."

Just as I was about to groan because of the scrapes on my knees and hands, a stronger feeling interrupted the action, making me look around without paying attention to the sand stuck on my right hand.

"Ugh... Ugh—"

Luckily, I wasn't far from the trash can... Even if I couldn't find it, I'd still spit it out without a second thought. Anyway, I crawled there with absolutely no grace, and even a rather awkward manner.

"Ahem! Ahhh, guhhh..."

It was like I wanted to spit out everything. No, maybe it wasn't about wanting to spit out anything, but about wanting to forget the feeling of that moment.

“Mmm…Mmm…”

As tears began to form in my eyes, mostly due to sadness, I suddenly realized why there were spots of light in front of my eyes just now... But I didn't want to use this to consolidate some messed-up thing like the refraction of light.

"Ah ah ah..."

Even though there was nothing left for me to vomit, my mouth remained wide open. I pressed my head against the wall, my eyes fixed on the mess I had vomited out.

What am I doing.

No, maybe what I should think about is why I do this.

The words I overheard in class suddenly echoed in my mind.

"Microorganisms and those flies you hate all help nature break down organic matter that humans don't use. The most common of these is..."

what is that.

I simply don't want to admit it.

But in the end, it is impossible to make excuses with things like piled up fallen leaves and leftovers.

Logically speaking, I seem to have seen a lot of that kind of thing.

Whether it's a sparrow that was squeezed and deformed in my hands, or a dog or cat that was accidentally run over by a wheel while trying to avoid it...the corpses of animals, the flesh that has lost its life, for me who has been exposed to the science of biology, should be just objects waiting to be decomposed by microorganisms and other scavengers.

But, it seems that changing it to something else won't work...

"Oh...right...I need to tell others..."

After several attempts, my right hand, rife with pain, finally reached for my phone. However, as the screen lit up, I didn't know who to call.

...........

As someone who once wanted to give up her life, I suddenly had this thought.

Is this the ending I want?

“Ahhh—”

The wails that sounded like the heart and lungs bursting kept echoing in my ears.

The open space in front of this abandoned building looks particularly desolate.

And now, pretending to be a bystander, I blended into the crowd, completely unable to see, nor did I want to see, the person crying. I didn't want to see how she treated... treated "her" who was no longer her.

“…”

I looked towards where I had spotted "her" before.

She originally didn't want to admit that it was her, but after seeing the hair accessories that were enough to reveal her identity, she finally accepted the reality.

Now there was only a pool of blood that had spread out and solidified.

"...hiss..."

The smell that had previously permeated the air had been treated to make it less pungent. Thanks to this, I was able to suppress the feeling I had just had.

Obviously, he didn't hate her. He even had a strong desire to help her.

But why exactly... After seeing her surrounded by all kinds of insects that represent filth, that feeling... is simply beyond her control.

"What's going on..." "They say it's suicide, but it seems to be due to school." "Is it too much stress?" "Who knows." "It's probably the rebellious period..."

The unaware people around them began to speculate again, talking to themselves, saying things that suited their own thoughts, and making arbitrary assumptions about other people's lives.

Extremely boring.

"They found him only now..." "They said he'd been missing for a few days." "Why didn't you come here to look for him sooner?"

The people who were drawn in for some reason were all talking and commenting on things that had almost nothing to do with them.

"Alright, all non-essential personnel please leave immediately."

As the investigators drove away, the people around me had to leave one by one. I stood there numbly, looking at the only remaining bloodstain.

In addition to the traces formed by falling from a high place... there seems to be some traces of crawling forward.

"...How could this happen..."

This means that she didn't leave without feeling anything as she had expected, but only after experiencing unimaginable pain...

Hey, what's this? Is this some kind of evil spirit from the gods? Even for someone who's already despairing of life, they still refuse to give her... even a final bit of love and care?

“…”

"Hey, classmate."

"what...!"

"Did you get scared? It's better for you not to see this kind of scene at your age... Hmm?" He looked me over carefully. "It looks like you're from the middle school next door, right? Do you know the deceased? After confirming with the family just now..."

"Sorry...I don't know him."

For some reason, I lied subconsciously.

Maybe he was just tired of the trouble of being questioned about it, or maybe he felt that he had no right to have anything to do with her since he hadn't done anything for her, or maybe... it was because there was no point in saying anything.

"Is that so... Then you should try to forget about it and stop joining in on the fun with those people."

"Ah...um..."

She completely treated me as a nobody. So, to her, I was also a completely irrelevant person... Because she hadn't revealed any information to anyone, and just like that, she made a huge decision for herself.

"your hands..."

"fine--"

Should I say she's strong or something... But no matter what, I want her to come to me for help. Even if it's just a few words, maybe I can muster up the courage to ignore those rules.

But she didn't tell me anything until the end.

"Ah... I see."

In her eyes, I am not a trustworthy person at all... No, maybe she has never even looked at me straight in the eye.

Even if I said something nice like "I'll help you," wasn't I still worried? In the end, nothing changed.

"Squeak-"

The sound of teeth grinding hard.