I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

Laugh

Whether curiosity is good or bad cannot be generalized.

However, I was absolutely certain that this little curiosity in my heart would lead to bad consequences. If I continued like this, maybe next time it wouldn't just be the bowl of soup that would fall on my head, and it wouldn't just be egg drop soup that would run down my cheek.

It's better to just leave it at that. Because I already know that she's not someone who's superior to others, just reaching this conclusion is enough... And the reason she treated me like that was probably because she was afraid that the halo she worked so hard to create would disappear because of me.

"what...."

How should I put it? I feel a little disappointed. To be treated like this by something so fake, its essence not matching its appearance.

"Hey, hey, how did you offend her..."

I don't know what kind of power frightened her, but although she seemed very curious, the guys around her could only come and ask me when she wasn't paying attention.

"...How should I know? Maybe I recognized the wrong person."

That's the only way I can respond to that.

And now I don't like people getting close to me. It's not that I'm embarrassed to talk about it, but even after washing my hair, there's still a hint of soup on it. I'm more bothered by people sniffing and mumbling to themselves, "Why does it smell like egg drop soup?" than by people picking on me.

Now it seems that my self-esteem was used in a strange way.

When the noisy guys sat down in their seats as the bell rang, I finally had some peace and quiet.

The teacher doesn't care what happens to a guy like me, so the class goes on.

"..."

He habitually picked up the cheap fountain pen in his hand and turned it around, his attention no longer on the blackboard.

Speaking of which, there are always people who preach things like "we are all created equal," constantly emphasizing equality between people. Since this is constantly emphasized, it seems to indicate that equality doesn't exist in reality.

It sounds strange, but what we emphasize is often what doesn't exist. It's precisely because there's a lack of peace that some people call for it, because there's no justice that we promote it, and because there's no so-called hope that we yearn for it... Similarly, those who constantly believe that all people are equal may not actually be considered normal people in the eyes of others.

"......"

What a hassle.

Since she doesn't intend to let me know, I'd better not think about finding out.

The pen spun again in his hand.

Having said that, since she wasn't born to be a leader, what right does she have to give me orders... That look on her face, as if she was taking extreme actions to cover up something, I have to say, it makes me very concerned.

"...What does it matter?"

My life is quite boring, and it's rare to meet such a person...why should I give up?

Episode 4 Laugh

A poet once said, "I'm sorry for being born a human." This quote is quite popular, but what those who know it see in it...that's unknown.

However, perhaps fate really does have a bad taste. Not many people remember the person who said it, but it is always attributed to another writer full of negativity by those who are unfamiliar with it and take it for granted.

Perhaps it’s because No Longer Human bears some resemblance to this line. In short, the phrase “I’m sorry for being born a human” is often taken as coming from Dazai Osamu’s mouth.

Because it fits, that's probably what he said.

A world that categorizes things and people in this way is actually unfair.

But perhaps it's not so important who said it. I just want to know who the apology is being addressed to.

“Ding Di——”

After honking their horns a few times, cars whizzed past, and people kept moving around.

In this world where no one cares, who on earth realizes that they are a hindrance to others? Even if I die on the street, how many people will shed tears for me?

Should I apologize to these people? Will they listen?

"Crunch, crunch..."

Meat carefully cooked, mixed with distinctively textured vegetables, and fragrant pasta. Food produced by the hard work of so many people finally finds its way into my mouth, contributing to the maintenance of this humble life.

Are the ones I'm apologizing to the livestock that only have a few months to live but are destined to be eaten, or the vegetables that try hard to grow but are still uprooted, or the grains that struggle to survive droughts and floods but are still inevitably crushed?

“Gurgle.”

I don't know what the person who said this was thinking. But even now, I still can't understand why this seemingly casual remark is so highly regarded by those who claim to be sad.

"boring..."

I closed the book in my hand and put it back where I had picked it up before. Then, I set out to go home from the bookstore. Saturday had been a long time since I had stayed out, and it was time to take in some energy to make it easier for me to survive.

I'm not a world-weary person, so I still quite want to live. The reason is probably instinct... There are few things I can cling to, but they're still more than nothing. If even this pitiful thought were to vanish one day, I'd probably just become one of the lives passing away every day.

But now is not the time.

“Whoosh—” “Drip—” “Wulala—” “Beep—” “Bang—” “Tick-tick—”

No amount of onomatopeia could describe the cacophony echoing in my ears.

This is what a city looks like as night falls. I wouldn't say I hate it, but I don't like it either...so choosing to go home is a wise decision.

"If you don't mind... please go around this way. Thank you for your cooperation."

While I was distracted, an arm suddenly blocked my path. Turning my gaze towards the source, I saw a waiter-like figure trying to stop me from stepping onto the red carpet that had already been laid out.

"...We have an important guest to receive, and we apologize for the inconvenience."

While the words written on the page were indeed words of respect, there was not a shred of emotion in the words that came out of that mouth.

"Ah...sorry."

I lowered my head and prepared to walk aside. He then withdrew his arm and turned his gaze to the car door that had been opened by another waiter.

This kind of thing has nothing to do with me.

Having said that, out of a momentary curiosity, I still raised my gaze slightly higher and looked at the so-called "important guest" they were about to receive.

"..."

Fate has a bad taste.

"Please be careful with it..."

Under the guidance of the waiter, a face slowly emerged from the car. Its attire was obviously different from usual, but still quite familiar.

What was quite different from usual was that the girl who I had never remembered smiling now always had a smile on her face.

It's strange. It's an action that I never do normally, but now I don't see any sign of incongruity.

".....Oh."

I always feel like laughing too.

Laugh at

Episode 5 Laugh at

Humans are probably the only creatures that can smile and use it to convey information.

In other words, when people laugh, they're trying to express something. That should be the case, but I'm actually not sure if direct communication between people is possible.

"I should have warned you, why didn't you listen?"

Just like the situation now. Even if I haven't said anything, the person involved will always treat others according to their own imagination...

"What are you talking about..."

A slightly, slightly annoying feeling.

The warm liquid trickled down my forehead, accompanied by a pain that lasted for who knows how long, slowly rolling down my cheeks. Unfortunately, I couldn't seem to wipe it away yet...

"Don't play dumb... Are you following me again?"

One drop, two drops... I watched the blood dripping onto the floor, and I didn't know when I fell into a trance. I had been wondering how I had offended her, and it was as if the answer had suddenly been given to me.

"...Huh? What are you talking about..."

However, the answer seemed different from what I thought. In fact, I didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore, so there was no way I was going to waste my time on such a thing.

"Don't pretend anymore. You saw it the other day, right?"

To me, it felt like a voice from above, confirming without emotion. And then, I finally remembered the last time I saw her.

"...Ah...Are you talking about that day..."

I accidentally saw her figure. But I still didn't realize when she saw me... But even if I tell her now that it was an accident, she probably won't believe it.

"Don't use these little words... Is that interesting? Or do you really want me to get serious?"

"...oh..."

It turned out to be the case.

I thought I was beaten so badly for no reason just because of bad luck. I ran into a guy who was in urgent need of money, and then he got furious when he heard that I had no money at all... Ah, it's really hard to understand the relationship between people.

"So this is ah..."

After taking two steps, I couldn't move and leaned against the wall, lowering my head and laughing.

"What's so funny?"

It was just a way of proving the validity of my own ideas. It was like Archimedes' streaking, but if you had to say it... it was a completely meaningless act.

"...This is the men's restroom... Is it really okay for you to just come in like this?"

"That's not your concern... The group just now is blocking the door. So even if I kill them now, no one will know."

"...Really... How cruel."

They even deprive others of the right to go to the toilet.

"It's not cruel. It's because you're curious about things you shouldn't be curious about. This can't be described as disgusting anymore."

The black shoes kicked the scattered glass shards on the ground towards me, leaving some blood stains.

She seemed to understand that I was afraid for my life.

"Ah...should I be sorry?"

I think we've brought up something that's practically impossible for us to have a conversation. Speaking of which, I'm actually worried about someone else right now... Is it because I haven't even considered myself, or is it because I already know... that this girl in front of me wouldn't be able to silence her? The average person wouldn't actively declare a crime... Just treat it as a simple threat.

"Now you realize it and apologize, but it's too late."

"..."

How can I explain that I just said it casually? I don't really want to apologize... Besides, I don't think I did anything wrong.

"By the way, are you investigating me?"

"Well... who knows..."

Everything started by chance. After that, I didn't care about her at all. Well, after seeing her like that a few days ago, I thought, "Ah, this person is just like that." She's sacrificing herself for a better life... she's just not a human being.

"Stop playing dumb. Whatever your purpose is, after this, don't let me see you anywhere else except at school..."

"...it's out of the question."

"what?"

As if she didn't hear what I said clearly, she stopped turning around.

"If it was just by chance...I was out and about and ran into you...going to 'work' or something..."

"Heh, that's none of my business. If we met normally, you can only blame your bad luck..."

"Are you afraid?"

"Afraid? You think I'm afraid of you? Why should I be afraid of you... You're the one who got beaten up until your head was bleeding, and you didn't even dare to fight back..."

"This is indeed... Personally, there is really nothing to be afraid of."

Just scum in the eyes of some people, and a fellow human being in the eyes of ordinary people.

"Then why are you saying that? Ah, are you deliberately provoking me? Are you... what they call a masochist?"

"...Who knows."

I feel like I'm a person who can't even get angry now... For various reasons, I can't feel my true feelings at all. But whether it's strange or ironic, I do understand other people's feelings a little bit.