I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

I am destined to be alone.

Ah, things have changed.

. . . . . . . . .

【Postscript. Part 2】Xia Meng

Stroking the draft that Ye Hui had brought me earlier, it seemed like she was almost done with it. She didn't seem to have any major doubts about what I had written. Although I had considered reverting to the original setting, and it was better to say it out loud earlier, but—

Well, even if it was Ye Hui, I would definitely be beaten to death if I did that.

But I don't know what she is thinking or what is worrying her about.

Although I really wanted to help, I understood that some things should be left to individuals, and to be honest, I didn't want to go to such lengths.

There is nothing to worry about here for the time being. Apart from bothering me, Ye Jin doesn't care about the life or death of her brother, whom she should treat as her own brother, so I can probably relax.

Maybe it's relaxation.

It was clearly an unbearably hot summer day, but cumulus clouds had suddenly darkened the sky without warning. The unexpected rain, as if delivered by the wind, came with a sudden, unprovoked patter.

In fact, because of the previous incident with Ye Jin taking a taxi, I have an inexplicable instinctive aversion to going out in the summer. However, since the weather is getting cooler, staying indoors may not be that refreshing.

I thought I wouldn't run into any troublesome people again, so I opened the door.

......

Planting a flag is a skill, but taking it out requires a certain amount of luck. For example, some girls who are going to travel to Antarctica conduct scientific research and study, and they reach the preset location by constantly replacing flags. The slightest deviation will lead to unpredictable consequences.

However, setting a flag is not a very interesting thing after all, so——

"Yo, Sheji!"

I don't know why, but when I saw the senior walking towards me, I inexplicably had the urge to rush up and hit him.

......

"It's rare to have some cool weather, why don't you come out and move around?" Faced with my question, the senior didn't seem to have any intention of explaining, and even thought it was natural.

"..."

Well, that's really his style.

"What about you? My impression of you, Sheji, shouldn't you be the type who stays at home and gets moldy?"

...I seriously suspect that he developed a sharp tongue after being attacked by that girl named Xiao Qian.

"It's nothing... After all, it might be better outside. Also, where did you get the conclusion that I would get moldy? I'm not a fungus!" I retorted.

"Well, do you like rain?" He looked up at the raindrops dripping from Maomao and said with a smile.

"In the summer... I would probably still like it. After all, it would cool down and it wouldn't be so hot outside."

"Has it cooled down enough that I could just happen to run into you here?"

"..."

It’s better to ignore him.

"Anyway, just come out. This saves me from looking for you." He smiled as always, leaving people speechless.

"So, what do you want to talk to me about?"

"Probably... not, but since we've met, there's nothing much to say."

I now want more and more to make the urge to beat him come true.

......

"Speaking of which, Sheji, what have you been busy with lately? You were free to come see me some time ago."

Hello, it seems like it’s not me looking for you but you looking for me.

"…Probably just busy with some paperwork or something, nothing much, really."

"Oh? When I asked you to look after the club, I thought you had great writing skills. So you're writing something, you know? Are you planning on submitting something?"

He seemed very interested.

"Well, it's just like working with other people, so it's nothing."

Looking at the light rain that seems to be there and not there, it feels like the water is not so real, even very unreal, making it difficult to see around and distinguish things clearly.

"...It wasn't all that smooth, but at least it seems there aren't any more problems now."

"Ok?"

Thinking of Ye Hui, I suddenly paused and said, "But compared to this, seeing other people, I seem to realize that I shouldn't continue like this. I'm a little... concerned about how they see me."

"..."

"Perhaps I'm just stubbornly refusing to admit it, and I don't want to be involved in unnecessary matters. But although I don't know what influence I can have on the people around me, or what my existence value is, perhaps bonds always unfold inexplicably when people are least prepared, and then tie us together unilaterally."

"I didn't intend to do anything, nor did I have any particular intentions. I simply couldn't sit back and do nothing. I didn't understand the vague meaning of the so-called degree, the dogma and regulations, nor did I know how to avoid being easily involved with others. But when I came to my senses, there was no way to pull myself out of this."

"I... should really hate trouble."

Looking at the road in the distance that was rapidly shrinking as my vision got closer, I lowered my eyes silently.

The senior in front also stopped, leaving behind a lingering back figure in the drizzle.

"..."

"I'm not sure whether what you said is right or not, and I have no way of judging," he said slowly, "But, at least in my eyes, Sheji is not a cold-hearted person, and it's certainly impossible for him to ignore others just because of trouble."

"It was originally a job, but now you have to share responsibilities with others. Whether it's how others see you or how you see others, it's all mutual. There's no need to worry about others' troubles, or question this change because of the resulting self-expression. Rather, this is your true side towards others, embodying gentleness and consideration. The reason you're confused is that you can provide this mutual connection, but you can't accept others' response. You can only put it aside, hiding those emotions that you can't resist. I can't understand how you feel at this moment, but I roughly understand that you just choose not to see it."

He turned around slowly and said, "Just like how I treated Xiaohui back then." The road was very clean, with no vehicles passing by. The water droplets that broke in the corners made no sound.

"Well, to be honest, troubles keep coming one after another. If it were me in the past, I would probably find it very difficult, but now... I don't think I hate this feeling that much."

I raised my head and spoke quietly.

"Unconsciously, it seems I've become a part of someone's daily life," I said with a wry smile. "Or maybe it's because I've never looked at myself through my own lens. I just stand in the corridor and watch others."

"But I think this is not bad."

Tenderness? From her eyes, his, hers, I have indeed felt many similar emotions, but I can't explain why. But what is this so-called tenderness, this so-called bond? When have I ever revealed those things that I never had?

I suddenly began to fear becoming an "angelic child" like Yezo in Dazai Osamu's works, and I couldn't help but shudder.

"Perhaps the me they see is similar to what you, Senior, see. But as you said, whether I see you or you see me, I can't see myself, and I don't know which self this is. Is the 'me' I experience real? What about the other 'me's'? I have no way of understanding."

"But you are you," he interrupted me, "no matter how it changes, even if you don't remember, even if you are not clear."

"If I had been alone at the time, I might not have said those words to Xiaohui in the end."

He patted my shoulder gently, looking like he was reminiscing.

"If... it weren't for you, Sheji, I'd just be an idiot with no emotional intelligence, talking about wanting to be a book, and ultimately breaking her heart. I don't have your gentleness, I can't make people open up like you do. No matter how much people criticize me, no matter how much they doubt me, you ultimately helped people like me. This has nothing to do with perspective, and you don't need to doubt yourself. 'I' am not something I've acquired through the judgment of others or myself; it simply exists. All these bonds didn't suddenly appear when certain connections were made; they existed from the very beginning."

I looked at him and said nothing.

"Actually, I envy you, Sheji," he said with a smile as if he had thought of something.

"What you believe isn't necessarily true. It's just that in my opinion, whether it's you, Rin from your club, that twin-tailed loli, or the two girls on the beach trip, we all share an inseparable bond. I'm sorry I can't agree with your doubts, but I don't want to ruin any relationships because of your confusion."

He released her hand and whispered, "Aren't they important to you, and you to them?"

"..."

I have been avoiding this question, even though I am well aware of those feelings.

Perhaps my self-doubt stems from similar experiences I've forgotten, but I've either discarded them in the crevices of yellowed pages or tampered with my memories, rendering them so distorted that their original appearance is no longer recognizable.

Just like what happened with my predecessors, I’m afraid I’ll have no memory of it.

Are they important to me? The answer is yes. So there's no way for me to escape from these intertwined bonds, and there's no need to make any changes. But for some reason, deep down in my heart, there's always a faint sense of guilt and sadness that makes me unable to avoid facing this matter in the dead of night.

Frankly speaking, maybe it's understandable to say that I helped Linquanchuan and Lingcan, but I still don't think this is my credit, nor do I want to take credit for this contribution. I'm just a lazy talker, not a doer. I talk a lot about big principles but don't take any proactive measures. I always walk on the edge of delaying the manuscript and leaving it blank, which brings a lot of trouble to Xiaoye. The only thing to be thankful for is that she has always been considerate and just quietly urges me. As for Yehui, she always seems special to me, so ethereal that it suffocates me, and I almost always get comfort from her, which makes me ashamed. With all these things, every time I think of it, I feel so heavy that I can't forgive myself. Seeing that I didn't say anything, the senior lowered his eyebrows slightly and said: "After all, I am beyond your worries, but I think you need to at least face your feelings."

"..."

"Maybe." I just smiled.

......

The hot and stuffy air was forcibly injected with moisture, and immediately became sluggish and filled with a damp smell.

The sun was still as dazzling as ever, but it was refracted by those tiny, invisible water droplets, creating a faint seven-color halo.

The moisture condensed on my exposed skin, seeping into my dry pores. The drowsiness I'd felt from the summer heat dissipated, replaced by a gentle coolness.

My senior and I walked along the roadside, one after the other, in silence, without talking to each other.

The rain had gradually stopped. It wasn't expected to be heavy in this weather, and it wasn't as violent as a thunderstorm. Furthermore, the presence of this cloud, which hadn't even been mentioned in the weather forecast, must have been a very small cloud.

......

"Do you like rain?" the senior suddenly said.

“…” It seems this question has been asked before.

“When you stand in the rain, it’s the same whether you cry alone or without tears. Because in the rain, no one knows you are crying.”

"But Sheji, with you, things are different. At least you can stand before my eyes, and you can stop those invisible tears."

I lowered my head…unable to respond.

Seeing me like this, the senior waved his hand and said:

"I shouldn't have brought up those heavy topics."

After a moment of thought, he said, "Come to think of it, I haven't thanked you properly for what happened last time.

"That's not necessary. Didn't I already thank you later?"

"How can that be considered official?"

"..."

"So how about this? I'll just end the drama club..."

I expected nothing good to happen.

"Well, forgive me for refusing for now, but I will still help you take care of things as before if you have any trouble. As for entrusting you with something... it's still too heavy a burden."

"I see." He didn't look discouraged, "But I believe you will understand eventually."

"After all, I said, Sheji, you are a very gentle person." He looked at me and smiled.

Why do I feel that this word has an inexplicable eerie feeling when it comes out of a boy's mouth?

"The bookstore is just ahead. It seems I can't accompany you."

He suddenly looked very apologetic.

"Well, it's okay..."

After taking two steps, he suddenly turned around and said, "Don't worry, isn't it good the way it is now?"

Watching him stride away, I sighed softly.

I want to be that relaxed too.

. . . . . . . . .

"Yo, you finally realized what the fluid in your head is. Planning to go out and replenish it while it rains?"

Really... He's playing a TV series so loudly, yet he still has the leisure to engage in daily ridicule.

But I was already indifferent: "Ah, yes, yes."

"Ohhh... You didn't refute me? Could it be true that the theory that filling up the water boosts intelligence is true..."

Well, just ignore her for now. ...

The rain was light and only lasted for a few minutes, so my coat didn't get wet or cold.

I opened the fridge and realized all the drinks had been refrigerated to protect against the heat. It seemed like being overly prepared wasn't a good idea. So, I closed the fridge again and went to the kitchen to get a cup of hot water.

After all, normal people don’t keep hot drinks warm in the summer.

He turned around and sat on the sofa, looking at the steaming teacup in his hand, and suddenly asked:

"What kind of person am I in your eyes?"

Perhaps because I asked her suddenly, she was still watching TV and didn't respond.