I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Don't let me down!"

“No, no…”

He also has a strong sense of self-esteem when it comes to gaming, and seems to place a strong emphasis on fairness, which may be related to his personality. From the outside, you can tell that he's a serious person.

“…”

But none of this is the most important thing. During our time together, we solved a lot of problems together. But I recently realized that despite helping others solve many problems, he couldn't break free from the shackles that bound him.

Perhaps he sets too high standards for himself, or thinks too lowly of himself. After a little stimulation, he will reveal a side of himself that is completely different from his usual self.

"That's impossible!" "What the hell are you thinking!" "Aa ...

At that time, he would express his anger and dissatisfaction without any restraint. Although he would not swear, in a sense... maybe swearing is better than that.

"Damn it, it was just a little bit close!"

He stared at the screen unwillingly, not hiding his desire to win.

"Would you like to come again?"

"Of course, I will win this time, for sure." His serious look appeared again.

"ha...."

Perhaps because he is uncontrolled, his emotions explode quickly, and so he reacts quickly. Before the person concerned has recovered from his outburst, he has often returned to his original state and then feels guilty about his actions.

“…very good…very good…”

Looking at Xiaoyu, who was completely engrossed in the game, I seemed to understand something. From the moment he entered my room, I knew he must have lost his temper with someone again.

Was it Li Moya? Or was it Jiu Mu Ting... Well, it's not important to consider these things anymore. Ever since he said those words to me that night, I've predicted that this day would come...

"Hmph, so what? I won! Apologize now, apologize to this great game from the last century!"

It turns out he wanted to win so badly just for this moment. I now understand why he had that attitude before... although I had already expected him to take the bait.

"...Yes, yes. I'm sorry."

In that case.

"There's absolutely no sincerity... Never mind." He looked a little happier at this moment.

It's time to get back to the point.

"By the way, have Kurimoya and Jiumuting finished their comics?" It's time to bring up these things.

"...Well, I heard from Jiumuting that it will be completed soon."

"Oh, that's good news. It means that our busy summer vacation life, which is as busy as punching in and out at work, will come to an end for the time being." I pretended to be finally relieved.

"Yeah...there's no need to be so busy." He responded thoughtfully.

"That way, you won't have to face those two people. Didn't you say it was so uncomfortable facing those two people? And after hearing what you said, I don't know why I also developed that feeling... It's really out of place. If you think about it carefully, I don't have any talents to show off. The only thing I can do is to do the same thing as you, Xiaoyu, and in this regard, Xiaoyu, you always do it better than me. Really, if it weren't for the cold I caught from excessive use of the air conditioner, I might have developed an inferiority complex after interacting with those two people."

“…”

"Okay, okay, don't look down on yourself because of that." I patted his shoulder. "Since you have already accepted that you are just an ordinary person, there is no need to compare yourself with those two outstanding people."

I knew this, but I still had to say it...because only then would he be in the mood to refute me, and then I might have an idea of ​​how to persuade him.

Although as he said, my ideas are sometimes unrealistic and I don’t consider others enough...but as my head teacher said to me, in the process of constantly interacting with others, I will learn and understand more and more things.

“…”Why are you still silent?

From the day he first lost his temper with me, from the day he told me his troubles...I have treated him as a client.

"..."

Anyway, I am also the current club leader of the Club Cooperation Club. Although I still have some shortcomings in various aspects, I think I can still help club members solve the problems they encounter.

So...what will be his attitude towards this?

Expectation and worth

"You seem to have made a mistake, Tongyou."

After a brief silence, he said this calmly.

"Huh? What? Did I do something wrong?" I always felt that his reaction didn't seem to be that intense.

"I... have never thought about becoming anyone." He silently put down the controller in his hand, and the realization followed his movement and turned to his hands. "I used to think that this idea came from my own disdain. Because I disdain to place my spirit on someone like others, I don't want to become someone. I just need to be myself."

"..."

Did he reveal all this to me? In other words, was he completely defenseless and ready to tell me everything he was thinking?

That's good...I'll listen carefully.

Just quietly listening to you.

Chapter 25: Expectations and Worthiness

"I just need to be myself...When my parents compare me to other kids, I always think to myself, 'Just stay like this.' But when I think about it, I don't even know what I am like."

"Hehe..." He let out a faint laugh, as if mocking himself. But I knew clearly that he was just throwing away his previous immature thoughts.

"But later I realized that I just didn't have the ability. It wasn't really my intention not to want to be someone. I just realized that I was not capable enough and didn't want to admit it."

"You just said that Li Maoya and Jiumuting are annoying, right?"

"Eh? Ah...I guess so." I didn't know what to say to this sudden question...

"Actually, I don't feel annoyed with them, but I hate myself."

The corners of his mouth lifted slightly, but he didn't look like he was smiling. I could sense that his mood must be very complicated.

After all, being able to say that I hate myself...

"While others were diligently studying, I was thinking, 'High scores, low ability.' When a sports meet needed reinforcements but I couldn't help, I thought, 'Every profession has its own specialty.' While others were striving for their goals, I was thinking, 'Just be yourself.' In short, it seemed I was constantly convincing myself to be content with the status quo, and then I gradually got used to it. Day after day, year after year... I found myself accomplishing nothing, no, doing nothing at all. Isn't this normal? Because doing nothing gives me a lot of free time, and that free time can be used for entertainment. Entertainment... games and the like. Looking back, besides studying, which I wasn't good at, it seems I was just playing games back then."

“When I realized I wanted to do something, I found that I didn’t have any talents or skills to do it. Even though I realized this, I couldn’t find any way to remedy the situation. Only then did I realize that as time went by, my life had changed because of the choices I made.”

His fingers unconsciously reached for the handle in front of him and gently shook the joystick.

"But I don't want to admit it. ... Perhaps this is the last bit of dignity as a loser... I don't want to admit my failure. But what's the point? The facts are already determined... No matter how hard I try to hide it, it's just self-deception."

He finally turned his gaze towards me.

"So, I was finally exposed, today."

..............

“Ding-dong—”

The sensor door of the self-service store sensed someone approaching and quickly opened. A gust of cool air emerged from it, making one sigh that this place was like two different worlds compared to the outside world.

"welcome."

The salesperson's slightly lazy voice came to my ears and didn't sound very friendly.

Perhaps it was the combination of a lack of customers and summer sluggishness. Li Masa didn't pay much attention and walked into the small shop.

"... something sweet... mmmmm~"

After writing or doing some brain work, she would deliberately consume foods high in sugar, supposedly to help the brain recover faster. However, Kurumiya's reason was relatively simple: the sweet taste made her feel better.

"Because I can help you, you don't want me to make any mistakes, right?!"

When I reached out to pick up the item in front of me, the boy's words and his expression at that time suddenly appeared in my mind.

The moment her little selfish motive was revealed, Li Moya did feel a little shaken.

“Ah… Really…”

But in the end, I wanted to enlighten him because I sensed that he was worried. But now it seems that not only did it not work, I was even disappointed.

"So embarrassing..."

It seems that I can only smile bitterly at this result.

"It's normal for people like me not to be cared about." Someone who can say such words calmly really makes people feel uneasy.

But what can I say?

"...At this price...well, it doesn't matter." Faced with another item in front of her, she hesitated and picked it up.

In reality, she hadn't really thought much about the price. It was just that the thought of his last words had stirred a turmoil within her, leaving her with a complex mix of emotions she couldn't place, and she could only release some of them verbally.

Probably very distressed.

People like him aren't as thoughtless as ordinary people, nor do they live by the opinions of others. Instead, they have their own ideas. Yet, their gaze is fixed on the past, fixated on their own mistakes, preventing them from moving forward. Well, in this respect, perhaps ordinary people are better. They tend not to remember their failures. While they don't learn from them, they don't let them constrain their progress either.

"But..."

If you can try to take a step, things will probably change.

"The rest of this is not something I can interfere with..."

. . . . . . . . . . .

"Exposed? By whom...?"

I wasn't surprised by this. Otherwise, he wouldn't have come to me to talk about it... I only asked who it was because I was curious.

"It doesn't matter who it is... What matters is that I don't have the courage to admit it. I don't want to admit it in front of others, let alone in front of talented people."

His eyelids drooped slightly, and he looked very tired.

"So I tried my best to find excuses, trying to cover up my failure. But I found that I couldn't do it at all... I looked into her eyes, and it was as if that look could see through my heart. The more I talked, the more guilty I felt. The more excuses I made, the more I was exposed... I have to say, I was very unacceptable in this regard."

"...Are you angry?"

I couldn't help but interject, using a rather helpless tone. After all, I knew him well.

"Um...ah, yes...how do you know that?"

"Ahem, I just guessed. Don't mind it."

I quickly pretended that everything was accidental.

"It's really outrageous. I thought she had good intentions, but I directly interpreted it as false kindness to take advantage of me... I think she's just so hypocritical. But... if my heart wasn't so ugly, I wouldn't have thought that way, right? She gave a lot of examples, but in the end she still said things she shouldn't have said... Thinking back on what I said to her... I'm no different from those people who are full of high-sounding words but only care about themselves. And she actually condemned others with such a face... I really..."

I've seen him perform a sort of "confession" after an outburst more than once, but there's nothing comparable to this one... Could it be that the cause was different?

Thinking about it carefully, it seems that his rage with me was purely due to my reckless behavior, but this time the reason was because of him...

"Actually, I didn't think I said anything particularly excessive."

Oh, okay. That's not the reason.

"What's the reason?"

"...Even though I misinterpreted her good intentions and used them as a pretext to launch into all sorts of comments that sounded like criticism of her behavior, she didn't refute me at all. She simply lowered her head and waited for me to finish. Then, just as I was a little surprised by her behavior, she suddenly said something to me."

"..."

"That's just... so foul."

That was definitely an expression he revealed unintentionally.

Without changing his expression or tone, he merely mentioned that sentence.

"she says..."

A smile slipped from his lips, a smile that struck me as unfamiliar. As far as I could remember, he'd never made such an expression before, but... well, it wasn't unsuitable for him. Rather, I'd be happier if he could make that expression more often.

"You deserve to be treated gently..."

Through the glasses that seemed to be covered with a layer of fog, the eyes that in my impression were either glaring at me or looked like they were covered with clouds, at this moment, were incredibly narrowed.

“…”

He was actually laughing.

It's incredible. I only realized now that even though we have been together for such a long time, this is the first time I see him with such a gentle expression.

"Isn't it weird?"

This is so weird...

"It's obviously someone like me."