I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Well..."

"You just said, gentleness or something..."

It seems like many people have said this before.

"That's simply a sign of incompetence. Unable to shoulder responsibility, unable to resolve the problem, all one can offer is seemingly gentle comfort. It's like a parent anxiously guarding their seriously ill child's bedside... wanting their child to get better quickly, but unable to fall sick for them and lacking the knowledge to treat them, all they can do is stay by the bedside, offering gentle comfort... and pinning their hopes on someone who can heal their child."

The view moves upwards, towards the ceiling rendered in light.

"Gentleness is just that kind of thing. It's the product of realizing you're powerless, yet unwilling to give up. I'm like that too... I clearly want to help her, but I find there's nothing I can do."

So, I shouldn't have gotten so close to her.

"...while being self-aware is a good thing...but if you think too clearly, won't you just have nothing to worry about? So, brother, you better stop thinking like that..."

"It's nothing, actually. I just need to stop having hope in myself."

Just like it was in the beginning.

"Ultimately, I was just overthinking it... I should have seen my place clearly a long time ago."

"...I think you're really overthinking it...but not in this regard..." Ye Jin said helplessly, "If you really care, then just ask in person. If you just speculate like this, the conclusion you draw may not be correct."

"...Ask them face to face...what?"

This guy speaks so strangely.

"Of course, ask her if she needs any help or if she's in trouble. Do you still need me to teach you?"

"But I've already asked if you need my help... and you saw the result." He was rejected immediately.

"That's why I said there's something wrong here. There must be a reason for her sudden change in mood."

"Isn't it because I'm too incompetent?"

"...What's your thought process like..."

In this regard, Ye Jin could only sigh helplessly.

[Perspective?]

"What kind of person is that boy to you?" Xiao Lin once asked me this question about the country.

Well... despite that look, I do have a sense of justice and am very kind to others. That's how I answered.

"No, no, no, I'm not talking about your impression of that guy..."

She continued to replenish while helping me separate the papers that were stuck together due to ink.

"You were bullied like this, didn't you tell him?"

It's enough for the teacher to handle this kind of thing... probably.

"It's nothing particularly drastic, but a teacher wouldn't be able to do anything about an 'accident' that was clearly intentional... I think it's best for me to rely on him. And we've been together for so long, and he didn't even notice..."

I just have a feeling... if he knew these things, he'd definitely do something unreliable. I have no basis for this, but I just have this feeling.

"But... this won't work..."

Of course you can.

Without hesitation, I said it.

"well?"

Maybe it's because of the impression he left on me before, but for some reason, I feel safe whenever I'm with him... Well, although he doesn't look very strong, I can feel that he has that ability.

"...It's a hallucination, it must be a hallucination."

Xiao Lin didn't believe what I said at all.

Even so, I still believe in him...

"If you run into any trouble, be sure to tell me."

...I should have felt relieved by his last words.

"Yeah...I will."

Despite responding in this way, his hand could not help but rest on his chest.

...Is this vague feeling of uneasiness also an illusion?

Gradually emerging thoughts

I don't want to target other people.

This mentality has been with me since I started thinking for myself. I can choose to do the same things as others, say similar things, but I can't meet the same people, experience the same things, and naturally, I can't become someone else. So when the person in front of me just now asserted that I wanted to be like them, I directly denied it.

Anyway, I can't... and don't want to be anyone.

"Really... Well, maybe this isn't a bad idea." She didn't react in any particular way, but just turned her eyes away.

The building complex under the clear sky is located on an undeveloped piece of land. The frames and glass sparkle in the sunlight, but the bottom casts a shadow because it blocks the sunlight.

The same thing happened to her and me. We stood on the sidewalk where few people passed by, letting the sunlight shine on us. I clearly had no intention of getting close to her, but my shadow intersected with her at this moment.

The sunlight that was shone here without any shelter was slightly weakened. Compared with the temperature at noon, the current temperature was surprisingly mild.

"Have you ever heard this expression?"

I brought it up suddenly, as if on a whim.

"What?"

Even so, I was still curious.

got windy.

In the open environment of the new district, air can flow through the streets unimpeded.

She stretched out her hand and gently tucked the hair that was blown to her face by the wind behind her ears.

"...Three o'clock in the afternoon is a time that can be overwhelming. It's too early to go to bed, but there's never enough time to do anything else." She leaned closer to me and asked in a tone impersonal, "Since you don't want to be anyone, does that mean... you want to be the sun at three o'clock in the afternoon?"

"..."

"How about moving forward a bit?" She let out a barely noticeable smile. "The light behind us, which has been green for several rounds, is about to turn red again."

Chapter 20: Gradually Revealed Thoughts

“Ah…” “…Ah…”

Not only did they all stop in their tracks, they also all sighed in unison.

Just as we were about to step onto the zebra crossing, the green figure's legs suddenly stopped, then turned red. Not only was this an undeveloped, high-end residential area, but it was also far from the city, so the roads were generally deserted. But she and I stood at the intersection, quietly waiting for the light to flash green.

"I'm a step behind." She was the one who initiated the conversation again.

"Yes."

"It's clear that the red and green lights have no effect on this road, but why haven't you thought of just walking across it?"

She stretched out her body in a relaxed manner, and the bulge of her chest, which was usually not obvious, was now eye-catching. Although I was the only one watching.

"Ah, hey... why..."

After a quick glance, his eyes were fixed on the little man standing next to the red light.

"Maybe it's because I was instilled with the concept that 'doing this kind of thing is not allowed.'" After all, I already knew the concept of stopping at red lights and going at green lights when I was a child.

"That's it."

She replied calmly to show her understanding.

"What this and that... Aren't you?"

"While that's partly the reason... well." She took a step forward and stepped onto the zebra crossing. The red light suddenly turned green without warning. "But I still care more about the meaning behind it."

“.....?”

"Sometimes, the meaning of a clearly visible object is more than just what it appears to be." She suddenly laughed when she said this, and turned her gaze to me, who was standing there in a daze. "What are you still standing there for? Hurry and catch up."

"Oh..."

I took a step forward.

"I don't really advocate this, but it might work for you." She thought for a moment, then turned her gaze to me. "In reality, most of what's holding us back isn't other people, but our own inner dogmas. While it's true that people are obviously different... what's surprising is that most people are surprisingly consistent in the obstacles to their progress."

"...I don't think running a red light is something worth promoting."

"Well, in this situation, of course, we can't advocate it. On the surface, traffic lights are labels that indicate danger and safety. By that standard, when the red light is flashing, this seemingly ordinary road is actually fraught with danger."

"Eh..." I always feel that this theory is a bit subtle.

"But in other fields, there are also so-called 'traffic lights,' and when faced with such relatively abstract concepts, people always want to understand them as concrete things."

"..."

"Hey~"

Facing the curb, she didn't raise her legs high enough to step over it normally, but chose to jump lightly. It must be said that in some ways, she was really a bit childish.

Well, just like that, we crossed the street.

The rest of the journey is still a road with few people passing by. Only when you are close to the subway entrance can you see people passing by.

However, since there are buildings all around and not many people around, I don’t feel lonely at all.

"Facing the unknown naturally creates a sense of fear. The danger signal is the so-called red light. But people only equate the unknown with danger, and never consider what they are actually facing."

"...Uh...ah."

I responded absentmindedly.

"So, are you waiting for someone to tell you?"

"Tell me? Tell what?" I was naturally confused by her words.

"Let me tell you... the light is green. Is this the only time you'll have the courage to take a step forward?"

"..."

"But wouldn't it be three in the afternoon by then?"

. . . . . . . . .

"..."

I don't want to target other people.

"I don't know what I'm going to do."

Because I can't be, and don't want to be. But precisely because of this, I feel like my life has no purpose at all. I've been living this one-step-at-a-time approach for nearly a decade, and it hasn't brought any harm. From this, I seem to have come to the conclusion... that this life is safe and doesn't need to change.

Is it true?

"Because I've invested a lot of time in so-called learning, but still haven't gained anything..."

If you decide not to care about other people's achievements, why do you feel resentful deep down? Ultimately, it's simply because you don't want to admit it or face it. To put it bluntly, you are just an ordinary person with no special skills.

"...I want to take a step, but..."

It's not that I lack confidence in myself; on the contrary, I'm very confident in myself. I feel like I can't lose to others in some areas...

“The threshold is a bit high for me.”

I just lack any talent to show for it. If I could spare some time during these few years of my life to do those seemingly useless things, maybe I could develop some talent?

"You probably wouldn't understand..."

For Kurimoya, creation is no easy feat. I once had the pleasure of seeing the collection of settings and outlines she provided to Jiumuting. It wasn't just one book, but several, supposedly conceived in a remarkably short period of time. A cursory glance reveals that each concept holds its own ingenuity, each capable of expanding upon its own story.

"I'm a disabled person who's missing limbs. Even if I wanted to take a step... I still can't do it."

But to her, those outlines and settings were nothing more than scraps worthless. I couldn't blame her for looking down on others, because she'd been in that position from the start. But precisely because of that, she naturally couldn't understand how those she looked down upon felt. So, while her words weren't wrong, they were ultimately based on her own judgment, without understanding me.

"I'm really lucky that you can enlighten me... But for me, such words still have no substantial effect."

In the end, I can never be like them.

"What...I see."