I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

The guy named Sheji invited me in a very casual way.

“…”

Aren't you afraid of me? I've already made an irreparable mistake without him stopping me. Why are you still approaching me? You're the type of person I am...

. . . . . . . . . .

Yes, how can someone like me find happiness so easily?

After talking to that guy, I finally sorted out my chaotic thoughts. Even though the conversation was not pleasant, I still want to thank him.

It is enough for you to be able to talk to me on an equal footing.

If it were Xiaohui, he would talk to me like this... There is no reason, but after talking with him, I had this idea.

I want to express my inner thoughts...

"Do you need help from a cunning guy like me?" He said this to me as if to provoke me.

I really still don't like this guy who has no demeanor of a younger generation.

...But, because of his influence, I also had the courage to face her. I also saw clearly the path I wanted to take... As expected, without Xiaohui's company, it would not be possible, and it would also be unfortunate.

so...

"How can it end here..."

I haven't relied on you enough yet...

There is still a long way to go, so before I become completely independent... please tolerate my willfulness and immaturity for a while.

So, I will tell you everything that is on my mind without reservation. I am not asking for forgiveness, nor am I expecting you to forget this matter... I just want to share my thoughts with you.

I decided to tell you everything about me...

Chapter 40: The Meaning of Things in the Eyes

"Will it...still be long?"

Li Yinghui repeated this sentence in a low voice, as if savoring it carefully, and then she smiled with satisfaction.

Indeed, there's still a lot of time left. While no one can predict what will happen next, and no one can guarantee that the rest of life will be smooth sailing and free of unexpected events, the road ahead may still be bumpy, and tomorrow may still present numerous obstacles... Yet, whenever I think of looking forward to the future, hope inevitably arises within me.

"It's still very long..."

Because there is still a lot of time left, it means that good things may happen. It is precisely because the unknown still contains the possibilities that we expect, so whether it is ourselves or others, as long as we mention it, we will feel full of hope.

Whether this kind of feeling is self-deception or self-consolation... people living in this world need this to continue their lives with peace of mind.

So...I also want to share this feeling with her as always.

"...I understand, Hao."

"..."

"I...feel ashamed of my hesitation when I answered Xiao Qian's call...I guess she must have mustered up the courage to contact me...but I almost rejected her intention because of my cowardice...As a friend, I am really unqualified." A hint of guilt flashed in her eyes.

"...But you still responded." The senior hesitated for a moment, then stretched out his right hand, placed it on the top of her head, and gently stroked it. "It's very difficult not to refuse out of cowardice. So, there's no need to show that expression... You did well enough."

If the call had come to me, perhaps I would not have thought of responding to her... This is the so-called difference.

"...Is...that so?" Xiaohui looked up into his eyes, her tone full of worry and her cheeks slightly flushed.

"Hmm...ah."

The senior removed the hand that was stroking her head and brought it to his cheek, which had suddenly become hot.

"That's what I thought."

After all, Hui does better than himself in this regard.

"Then, take what's coming next seriously... She's bound to have something to say to you, and it's definitely going to be a lot. Even if I don't know for sure, I can tell you she's mustered up the courage to say it... Since she's so determined, there's no reason not to listen carefully. It's likely something she's saying only to you, so keep going. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't be by your side at this time... But I'll be watching you silently from afar."

"...Yeah, I understand."

Xiaohui nodded.

"Then you wait for her here first." He took out his phone and looked at it, then pointed to the side and said, "I'll go over there and watch. She won't find out."

"Um..."

Xiaohui didn't know how to react, so she thought about it for a moment and finally agreed.

"So..."

The senior, who had just learned from the information displayed on his mobile phone that Sheji had arrived, began to walk towards the location indicated by Sheji.

................

"Hey, what exactly are you talking about, Sheji? Why don't you just tell me directly?"

I don’t know if it was because she was too curious or to dispel her inner anxiety, but senior sister Lu Yunzi seemed to keep asking me questions on the way to the hospital with me.

"Well..."

There are so many of them, and they are all troublesome questions that I don’t know how to respond... No wonder Senior Jia can’t stand it.

"As the saying goes, 'Hearing is believing, seeing is believing.' If my answer alone could make you understand, then there's no need for me to ask you to follow me."

After thinking about it, it seems that this response is more appropriate.

"...Ah, that's true..."

After feeling a little awkward, the senior student following behind me stopped asking me questions.

...I suddenly felt like what I just said was a bit too much. However, I really don't know how to explain it... And I'm not entirely sure what kind of conversation will unfold between Seniors Xiaohui and Xiaoqian... I just feel like Senior Yunzi is really lacking something right now.

If things go well, she will understand something. And from this, she will be able to understand her own shortcomings and change herself... This will increase the chances of her being able to pursue her senior.

"Ah... so..."

Is this really a good idea...

Being with someone you love is what most people pursue, and it's not an exaggeration. Just being together brings spiritual satisfaction, and this alone is much simpler and more accessible than those enjoyments based on material things.

But...it's absolutely not okay to have the best of both worlds.

If Lu Yunzi's position becomes as important as Senior Li Yinghui's, Senior will probably be forced to make a decision... And the person who caused this situation is me. No matter what, this will eventually make one of them lose their sense of happiness...

"...I always feel..."

I'm doing unnecessary things.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Sheji, you are here..."

His slightly tired expression and tone were completely different from the state he had at the beginning of summer vacation. I didn't know what had happened, but it must have been hard enough for him... It seemed like he had been through a lot.

"Hmm..." I nodded, but when I thought about the situation that might arise later, I couldn't help but feel a little guilty, so I smiled and replied, "I always feel like a lot of things have happened..."

"That's true... But I'm safe and sound thanks to you... If you hadn't blocked that knife for me, I don't know what I would have done if I were forced into a corner." When he said this, his eyes were a little scary... as if he would have committed some big mistake if I wasn't there.

"..."

Blocking a knife...Have I ever performed such a heroic act?

"...Well, don't say that..."

I don't know what Senpai would have done if I hadn't arrived...but judging by his reaction, it would have been irreversible.

Thinking about the wound on my hand, I figured out what was going on. Apparently, Senior had gotten into some kind of accident and I'd saved him... I couldn't let on that I didn't know, so I just feigned indifference and changed the subject.

If we continue like this...the topic will probably become depressing.

"I always feel like I don't have a real sense of the current situation..." He changed the subject obediently after hearing my suggestion and brought up another matter. "This is the first time someone likes me."

"...Um...Did Senior Li Yinghui tell you that?"

The progress is faster than expected... I didn't expect that the senior has already been confessed to.

"Yeah...that's right." He nodded in confirmation, but I didn't see any joy in his expression. Instead, I felt...a look of sadness on his face.

"Isn't this great... Isn't it the dream of many people to be single?" Although I felt that this response was not very good, but... I had to pretend that I didn't notice anything so that my senior could continue to express his inner thoughts.

"Well... for most people, being with someone you love... and having someone you love confess their love for you is definitely a happy thing, right? I was certainly like that too. When Hui confessed her love for me, I naturally... it was a natural reaction for everyone, so of course I was very happy. At that moment, I truly felt the happiness overflowing within me."

As he spoke of this, a smile appeared on his face, and I could tell it was genuine.

"so..."

"So, does this happiness really belong to me?"

“…”

At that moment, I really wanted to refute him.

There's nothing wrong with it. If you're in love with each other, why should you worry? Since you already feel happy, why should you doubt yourself... After meeting his eyes, I no longer wanted to say these words.

That look...even though I've never seen it before, it feels familiar.

Although there is a hint of confusion, revealing his inner helplessness, deep down he reveals a kind of determination... the kind of determination that denies himself.

After seeing this look, I understood.

There is no way I can't understand.

Yes, that's exactly what I felt... something I'd experienced... and now it seemed like everyone else had experienced it. The conflicting feelings I'd felt, stemming from my own long-standing inferiority complex and inner cowardice, led to a natural tendency to escape when I couldn't come up with a definitive solution.

“…”

I've made that choice myself, and because of that, I have no reason to try to convince him otherwise.

"I just told Hui...there's still a lot of time left in the summer vacation."

He then spoke to me.

He completely accepted the fact that I was here and had no doubts about my arrival... It was as if he was waiting for me to come, or as if he existed just to listen to him talk... Only this point was the same as at the beginning of summer vacation.

No matter what, someone who talks to himself in front of me...only a senior can do that.

"Hey..."

I noticed a smile forming on the corner of my mouth.

I understand.

Although the senior was depressed, blaming himself for the occasional thought that flashed through his mind, and still planning how to escape the current situation...but the senior was still a senior after all, and he still did not change his habits, and this was enough to make me breathe a sigh of relief...after all, he has not forgotten who he is.

"After I said that, she seemed to understand something... and gave me a knowing smile. But she must have misunderstood... I was trying to hint that I needed time to think about a lot of things, but she seemed to think I wanted to stay by her side for the rest of her time... So, I don't know what to do."

"..."

"And when I heard Xiao Qian was coming, I had thoughts of rejection." He frowned when he said this, and his tone seemed like he was confessing to me.

"..."

But why did you exclude Senior Akane?...I don't remember the reason.

"But looking at Hui, even though she felt the same way as I did, she still chose to respond... Just from this point of view, I am a complete rotten person."

"Forehead..."

How can one come to such a conclusion? What on earth happened...

"As for the previous issue, I think it stems from your own problems, Senior... So whether you choose to avoid it or express your thoughts, I won't say anything. It's up to you, Senior."

After all, I am that kind of guy myself.

"But if you're deliberately trying to belittle yourself, forget it. I don't remember you being such a hypocritical person... What's wrong with not meeting someone you don't want to see?"

“…”

"If you think this is a matter of your own arrogance, then I have nothing to say. Forcing yourself to condemn yourself and feeling guilty, I can only regard you as a masochist." He sighed and rubbed his brow. "However, I don't think there's anything wrong with following your own thoughts."

"...So, that... girl named Ming Xinxi... what she did wasn't wrong..." When I asked this question, my senior's expression was a little subtle. I didn't understand why this change had occurred.

"..."

What on earth did Xiaoqian-senpai do? Could it be that she also confessed to Xiaohui-senpai, and Senior found out? If so, it's not hard to understand why Senior doesn't want to see her.

Although there is nothing wrong with the explanation, what if it is not true? So... I'd better answer it with a more vague statement.

"Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. In my opinion...right and wrong are relative, so doing things that seem to go against common sense is not difficult to understand."

For example, when a girl confesses to another girl...

"...Yeah...relatively speaking." His expression seemed to relax a little. "Maybe...I should find out the reason for this."