I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

For a moment, I couldn't say anything to fight back.

Ever since that incident in the elevator during the winter vacation, my senior's image has become more and more casual, completely deviating from the serious image I had in my mind before.

"...I guess I can always remember something."

After my repeated requests, he finally agreed to take me to his old junior high school. My goal was to get him to find the spot where we parted ways on our way home. If I could just remember which direction Li Yinghui took, there would be a good chance we'd run into her if we searched nearby.

By that time, I probably won't be able to help you much. Well...it depends on the situation, of course.

"Actually, I've always wondered..." Senior's words interrupted my thoughts again, "How important am I to her?"

"Well?"

From the tone of his voice, he seems to be revealing something... And he actually brought this up to me...

"I thought about something she said to me yesterday and spent the whole night thinking about it. That's why I fell asleep while reading today."

"What a surprise! Can you tell me what that sentence is?"

He paused, but still answered me.

"She said, 'Let it become a book...' 'It has to be something people can understand.' I agreed without really understanding what she meant, and I still don't understand it to this day."

"..."

Although I don't understand what it means, I always feel that it has something to do with "The moonlight is so beautiful". Maybe it is a subtle love talk.

Speaking of books... what kind of mood does it take to become a book? Could it be that Li Yinghui likes reading?

"So, how did you respond..." I asked my senior first to be on the safe side.

"Me..." He glanced at me, "You wouldn't say that, would you?"

"Absolutely not."

"Well... never mind. It's nothing to say." He sighed slightly and looked off into the distance. "When she was about to leave... I replied, 'I don't understand what that sentence means.'"

"Are you so straightforward?!"

No matter what, you can't answer like that, right?

"Why are you so excited? There's still the second half." He impatiently pushed me away as I couldn't help but put my face close to his.

"Can't you just say it all at once?"

My face felt a little painful after being pushed away.

"It was you who interrupted me." He didn't react in any special way.

"Okay... go ahead."

"...Now that I think about it, that kind of talk sounds like a lie." He muttered to himself and looked at me. "Before I say that, I want to ask you if you have ever made any promises to girls?"

"Huh?" This question came so suddenly. When I searched for the keyword "commitment" in my memory, my senior shrugged his shoulders and smiled kindly.

"I asked the wrong question, don't mind it."

"What do you mean."

This seems to be questioning my luck with women.

"It's okay... let's get back to business." At this point, he changed the subject with a serious look on his face, completely ignoring my expression. "I... then told her that I wanted to be the person closest to her."

“.....!”

I suddenly understood something and guessed, "The person you mean closest to you probably means 'boyfriend', right? You want to keep her and stay with her, right?"

"The so-called person close to her is a writer. Because she told me that she wanted to be a writer, I also wanted to be one."

"......." Is it really okay to say something like this...

"So... even though I knew she was mad at me, I told her my decision as she was about to leave."

"Then she must be very touched." I continued to guess.

"Um..."

The silence during that period seemed to give him time to organize his words to describe the situation at that time, and the senior's expression became quite solemn for a moment.

"She... said I 'didn't understand anything' and cried bitterly. So... after she left, I decided it would be better for me to give up on becoming a novelist, because that might have made her happy."

"..."

I'm not really suited to true/false questions, because none of my guesses were correct. But...

"Senior, according to your understanding, Senior Hui doesn't want you to become a novel author?"

If nothing unexpected happens...this should clarify my previous guess.

"...Well, after all, she said I didn't understand anything at that time...and she didn't look happy at all."

"But when you told her that you no longer wrote novels, she didn't look happy." I slapped her directly... She didn't look happy at all.

"....." He seemed stunned by this contradiction. After thinking for a while, he explained, "Maybe you just don't want to see me."

"That's not right..."

I stopped walking; even walking in this situation interfered with my thoughts.

Then, I looked at my senior and asked, "If you hated someone, would you choose to go to his city during the summer vacation?"

"Oh?" He thought for a moment. "No, that's not the case, but maybe she... just happens to have something to do?"

"Oh, speaking of which..."

I just remembered the information provided by Senior Sister Akane, and combined it with what Senior just said... I think I have figured out something.

"She actually came here for something."

"...What's up?"

"Of course it's because of you."

...............................

Time seemed to stand still, and I didn't know why I stopped. Although the gas had been turned off, the residual heat in the wok still made the food sizzle.

And that's all I could hear.

Then, my gaze turned blankly to Ming Xinxi who was lowering her head waiting for an answer.

I remember Xiao Qian saying something really strange. If I may...

"Xiao Qian..."

I hope that the words were just hallucinations, but I don’t understand what kind of mentality it is to think that way.

"Don't say anything else, just answer me..."

Her body trembled slightly, and she seemed to grip the spoon even tighter. Was she... nervous? She didn't usually show that kind of expression.

"...I don't know how to answer."

I couldn't help but avoid looking.

Thinking back, I've never been a person who's good at thinking. It's like I'm always avoiding my true thoughts. Even if someone forces me to, I'll just let my head go blank and then evade them irresponsibly.

It seems the same when treating him.

“…I see…”

There was disappointment in her tone.

"Listen to me, Akane."

I tried to calm her down.

"You will meet many important people in the future."

What my father said to me suddenly came to my mind.

Meeting someone important...it's true.

“There are many important people for me.”

Because of them, my life... has found some joy. But because of this, I seem to have neglected the feelings of others. I only know how important the people I'm with are to me, but I don't realize whether I'm equally important to them.

Obviously, I have become a very important person to Xiao Qian in front of me.

What... Didn't I realize it a long time ago?

I realized it when she gradually approached me, but I didn't want to delve into it. What I was worried about was... whether I was qualified to be an important person in the eyes of others.

"So, I'm just one of them, right?" she continued to ask me, still unable to look at me.

"That's... not like you."

I slowly approached her, took the spoon from her trembling hand, and stirred the soup that was boiling to the point of overflowing.

"Why should I bother about whether it's important or not...as long as you can be with me, that's enough." I feel confused as to whether this statement can end.

"...That's not the case." She slowly expressed her thoughts. "Even though I believe this,... I still don't know how to express it right now."

"...Xiao Qian..."

"It's okay. Since I promised Xiaohui to help you, I will never go back on my word." She raised her face, "I will quietly wait for your final answer."

Slightly revealed emotions

“This is the path she and I once walked.”

Following his voice, I stopped and stood under the shade of a tree. The road was uneven and potholed, and perhaps because of this, not many people passed by.

“Has it been like this since a few years ago…”

There is no real point in asking this question.

"Because there's no need to repair it." He glanced at me sideways, "Because for most people, this road isn't that important."

"Is that so..." I looked up at the dense leaves on the branches, "You and Senior Sister Xiaohui say goodbye here every day..."

Walking on this road every day after school...it feels great, I really hope I can have this experience too.

"what...."

Come to think of it, it seems like I've been experiencing this all the time.

"Looking back, it's been ages. The weather was just like this when I first arrived here, though it wasn't summer vacation." The words just now seemed to have brought back memories. "Back then, I was a clueless guy... I only followed other people's ideas and had no opinions of my own."

"No opinion at all?..."

"Because my parents were very strict, they didn't want me to do anything besides studying." After a brief pause, a helpless smile gradually appeared on his face. "At that age, I was always easily interested in certain things, but when my parents found out, they would use rough methods to prevent the development of my interests. The reason was often just because they felt I shouldn't be exposed to it. Isn't that very strange?"

This is really unexpected.

"...Seniors have always been excellent, haven't they?"

"What does excellence mean?" His eyes were caught by my unintentional remark. "Is excellent academic performance the same as excellence? If you devote a lot of time to one thing, anyone who is not a fool will achieve results."

“…Well, that’s true…” Although I still have some doubts about this statement in my heart.

"Don't pretend to understand. I know your childhood wasn't the same as mine."

"Hmm...well." That's indeed the case.

Compared to my predecessors, my situation was much easier back then, but what did the relaxed discipline bring?

"It's much better now... Maybe they realized they couldn't control me, or maybe they thought I was already good enough. But the strict control in elementary school did have an effect... For a while, I lost interest in everything. Sometimes, I felt like a useless person who couldn't do anything well."

A warm breeze blew by, and the sound of leaves rubbing against each other echoed in my ears.

"Even my thoughts and ideas were almost all from other people... I had no sense of purpose, no sense of reality, and was just quietly waiting for my life to be arranged." He sighed softly, "But it was at that time that her appearance taught me that I must have my own ideas."

"......"

"No matter what I think or what I think... I always feel that she has given me a lot, and I want to live for my own ideas. Come to think of it, I haven't thanked her yet..."

"Well... that's not good."

"Huh? What do you mean?" Perhaps my words were ambiguous, and he looked as if he didn't understand what I said.

"No matter if she has a problem with you or not, no matter if you're upset or not, just repeat what you just told me to her."