I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

I finally understood why I was so impressed by the Capgras delusion. It was because the things I had experienced had some similarities with this condition.

People with this condition feel as if their closest relatives have been replaced by identical strangers.

I have to say...it feels like a science fiction setting.

And I, the me in the past... seemed to have misled myself based on the reverse thinking of this theory.

Well, I don't know how I did it, but there's no doubt that I did invent a character that didn't exist at the time. Then, in order to make this character more real, I kept telling people around me about her existence, thus ensuring that I would have an illusion when verifying it.

Then... my memory naturally took over, and I attributed things that actually happened to other people, or things that actually didn't happen, to that fictional character... This proves that I did have some knowledge of memory back then... Thinking about it this way... maybe I'm a genius... Well, it seems impossible...

So, whether it was what I told Ye Hui, or the memories that appeared in my mind without my permission... they were actually all made up by my subconscious...

What... isn't it boring...

It's the opposite of that disease, replacing strangers with fictitious close people.

I can probably understand why I don't want to face this answer... After all... the guy who can do such a thing must be a very unpopular and lonely guy...

And that person is me...

"Well, never mind..."

In other words, this is also part of growth.

At that time, because I had come to realize some realities and had lost trust in my so-called friends and the people around me, I couldn't help but create someone close to me.

Then... maybe because I've grown up, I want to give up this setting, but unfortunately... this kind of thing is hard to forget.

Hence this trouble.

........................

Perhaps because I had resolved the doubts in my mind, I felt that my running speed had increased a little.

When I returned to the original path, I met the student union member again. He didn't say anything, but just smiled and waved to me.

"...."

Well, if the best things I had before were the memories I created without permission, then... I don't need those fake things anymore, right?

Because what I have now and what I have met are...some pretty good guys.

...Run hard, it's time to end.

Thinking of this, I couldn't help but quicken my pace.

. . . . . . . . . . .

"It was tough...today's long run."

Yehui looked very happy and greeted me actively.

"Yeah..." I scratched my head, "I just feel incredibly tired."

Whether it's long-distance running or solving problems...

"Anyway... I've figured out what you asked me to think about that day, Yehui."

"Huh? Is... is that so?"

Ye Hui's expression was a little surprised, and his cheeks seemed a little red... Was he nervous?

"Well... I asked my parents... and former classmates, and it turns out I don't really have a childhood sweetheart..." There's a mysterious sadness to the conclusion. "I guess I've... attributed some things to fake people..."

After a pause, he said, "Maybe, those things didn't happen..."

"No."

Ye Hui suddenly interrupted me.

"Those things...if they are memories, they must have happened. Even if the subject is wrong...they must have happened."

When saying these words, Ye Hui's eyes were very firm.

"...Um..."

Since Ye Hui said so...then it should be like this.

It was a fleeting moment, or something recorded in my diary... Actually, it all exists...

"..."

Wait...something's wrong...

"Sheji...what's wrong with you?"

Ye Hui saw me stop and asked me with some concern.

"...Ye...Yehui..." I called her name inadvertently.

"...I...I...what's wrong? Sheji..."

If you look into my eyes right now, I would probably see a blank look.

There's nothing we can do about it...

because...

"I...maybe I got the answer wrong...or something..."

I looked at Ye Hui who was also shocked.

Recognize your opponent

There is no reason, I just feel that things won’t be that simple.

"Hey, Yehui." I called her name, looking down at the ground. "Do you... really think those things happened?"

"...Well...I can't quite articulate the reasons...but I'm certain that those things...at least the one you mentioned to me, did happen." Her tone was a little worried. "What...what happened? Is it because of what I just said..."

"No... It's not your fault, Yehui..." I couldn't help but hold my forehead. "I... I came to the conclusion that... that childhood sweetheart didn't exist, and I arbitrarily attributed the events that happened to someone else to the so-called childhood sweetheart..."

Ah... I've already talked about this... Really...

"In short... although various clues indicate... that this childhood sweetheart in my memory doesn't exist,... there's also no definitive evidence to prove... that she doesn't exist."

...Ah, I feel a little embarrassed to say these things... and a little like I'm having paranoia... but...

The inexplicable boredom in my heart prompted me to scratch my hair hard, as if trying to sort out my messy thoughts.

But... the more I did this, the more annoyed I felt. Before I knew it, the scratching became stronger and stronger, and finally it was almost to the point of tearing.

"Sheji...don't be like this."

A gentle hand was placed on the hand that was tearing my hair, and gently put it down.

"Don't be like this... You didn't do anything wrong."

"..."

I know I didn't do anything wrong, but... I just feel incompetent, and now I just feel fed up with myself for being so incompetent.

"It's okay..." Ye Hui smiled at me, "I have a friend who can't remember some things... But I believe that one day he will remember them, because memories will not disappear, and memories that don't belong to you will eventually be distinguished by yourself... There's no need to be impatient."

"....."

Don't be impatient... That's true, there's no need for me to find out the truth directly... It seems I'm too impatient.

"Just take your time to recall it... If it were you, Shaji, you would definitely come up with the answer."

Looking at her, looking at her eyes...that simple yet determined look made me feel like I've seen it before.

"That...Yehui..." I suddenly wanted to ask a question.

"Um?"

She gave a puzzled look.

"...No...I'm fine...Well, thank you for what happened."

After thinking about it...I decided to forget it.

"Um... nothing, just what I'm supposed to do."

She smiled her usual smile, enough to cure mine.

In my memories... this smile doesn't really exist.

Chapter 18: Recognizing the Opponent

People always fail to recognize themselves correctly.

There is no way around this. After all, everyone makes subconscious judgments about themselves, and these judgments will never match the real self... That's why there are arrogant people, people with low self-esteem, and people who feel they are ordinary.

How do I...see myself?

Well...this is not very important. What I want to know is...how others viewed me in the past. If I knew this, it might be of some help to me.

Speaking of the people who know you best...besides yourself, it should be your parents, right?

.................

"...Are you getting off work this late today too?"

I looked at the standard time flashing in the upper right corner of the TV. It was almost ten o'clock in the evening.

"...Why are the lights on?"

"Could it be that the state forgot to close it..."

"What a waste..."

Suddenly, the voices of my parents' discussion were heard at the door, followed by the sound of keys opening the door.

"I heard...Ahhh!..."

My mother seemed to be startled by me sitting on the sofa, and she also scared my father next to her.

"What's wrong..." He looked at me with an innocent look on his face, "...Why are you still awake so late? Don't you have classes tomorrow?"

As soon as he opens his mouth he talks about school...

"...That's not the case... We have a sports meet tomorrow, so it's okay to sleep a little late." I explained.

"Even if you say so..." Mom walked over and took a look at the TV. "This show is nothing good. You should go back to your room and go to bed."

"Yeah...school activities should be taken seriously too."

Dad agreed as he headed towards the kitchen...probably to find something to eat.

"Well...actually it's not for watching TV." I said, turning off the variety show on TV and looking at my mother with a serious face.

...Are you really watching this?

"Hmm? What's that for?"

She suddenly realized and asked me.

"...I...well, it's about me." After a moment's deliberation, she said, "I just want to ask...did I seem strange to others before I started middle school?"

"...Indeed..."

It wasn't my mom, but my dad behind me who suddenly spoke...as if he was eating something.

"Back then, I was worried you might have some kind of mental illness. After all, you often didn't want to go to school, and I never saw you bring friends home to play... But after entering junior high, you gradually became more outgoing. Although you don't have many friends, at least you're not so resistant to school... Now you can lead so many classmates... Even though you're a girl (whispering), this is also a kind of growth."

...dislike studying...have no friends...I always feel that this is not the key point.

"Did my studies decline during that time?"

"That's not the case... I find it hard to believe, but your grades have actually improved." Mom continued to answer me.

"...Why are you asking this all of a sudden? Is this for writing an essay?"

Dad asked me.

"No... I just have a few doubts in my mind." I smiled. "But it's nothing now. I'm going upstairs to sleep first."

"Um..."

"It's time to go to bed..."

"Come to think of it..." I suddenly thought of something, "Dad... you weren't like this before... you could cook and tell stories, but now you're no longer like that... It really is the fault of time..."