I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

“…” I don’t know how to answer.

"Speaking of which, don't laugh at me... because in my memory, this painting was given by me... to my childhood sweetheart."

................

Even though Ye Jin asked me with ill intention if I wanted to stay and have some instant noodles together...what kind of invitation was that...but I still set out on the journey back to the right track with an empty stomach.

The matter has been made clear, and the result is indeed as expected.

That so-called childhood sweetheart really doesn't exist.

Now that I've reached a conclusion, I feel inexplicably sad.

When I was about to go back the same way, I suddenly had an idea, so I ran in another direction...that was the direction of my home.

...............

I remember when I was talking to Ye Jin on the phone a few days ago, she mentioned that I was reading a book in the junk room.

I don't know why, but I completely forgot about this matter, and I feel that... it is closely related to this incident, so I feel it is necessary to confirm it again... I don't want to go home and be lazy.

...........

As always, there was no one at home.

I went into the utility room which I hadn't been to since junior high school...looking for something.

I turned on the light and found that it was not dim... It seemed that a better light was installed deliberately. Was it me who replaced it at that time?

I took a look at the dusty junk... They weren't arranged neatly, and many of them were put there by my parents. However, the thing pressed down by these junk was... a desk, which seemed to be discarded when I was in elementary school.

So...it's not impossible for me to read a book here.

"..."

Can it really be found?

I moved the clutter blocking the desk away with some concern, and the flying dust made me sneeze several times.

"..." However, apart from seeing a few thick dusty books, I didn't find anything strange.

"..."

Is that the end?

I sighed and prepared to put my things back where they belonged.

At this moment, I suddenly remembered an old habit of mine... I liked to put important pieces of paper in books.

Whether it was photos or medical examination forms, they would all be stuffed into books and then forgotten, so that now when I look through my own books, I will find similar things.

then...

I looked at the books.

Could there be something in there that I care about?

I probably got a false answer.

"Crash..."

The subtle sound of turning pages reached my ears, and even though I was lying on my side on the old sofa, I still felt a sense of comfort.

Thanks to my parents being away from home more often, I can now stay away from school and concentrate on my own research... I call it research, but if you think about it carefully, it's probably not... It's just like a child's willfulness at best.

I simply don't want to go to school.

The feeling of reading with an ice pack on your head...is actually not bad.

Although using your brain when you have a fever can cause some damage to your brain...but...I shook my head and felt it...it seems like I've recovered.

However, since I have already asked for leave from school, I cannot waste this opportunity of not going to school, so the right choice is to continue reading the books I want to read.

"Brother...are you there?"

A slightly timid voice came along with the knock on the door.

"..." I hesitated and put the book upside down on the table.

Is it Ye Jin...

I opened the door.

"Ah... You're here... I saw you weren't in the room, and I thought you ran away..."

My cousin Ye Jin lives not far from my home. She might have come to see me specially... because I was sick.

"Look at me like this... how could I possibly run away?" I smiled at her and showed her my pajamas. "Look, I haven't changed my clothes yet."

"...oh..."

There was a hint of timidity in her eyes... Was she afraid of me?

"Then... why are you here?" She looked into the dimly lit room. "Why don't you just rest in your room..."

"..."

Faced with this question, I really don’t know how to answer because I have never thought about the reason before.

"Well... I'm reading here and don't want to be disturbed." I reached out and touched her head twice, "Are you worried about me? Thank you... But I don't want to be disturbed now..."

"...What book are you reading?" she asked me curiously.

"..."

I felt it would be troublesome to repeat myself, so I just walked into the utility room and said, "If you want to know, just come and see for yourself."

I said as I handed her the book I was reading.

"What is this...F...Frankenstein?"

"Yeah. You know quite a lot of words." Before I knew it...she seemed to have grown up.

"Why...are you looking at this?"

"No reason, just watch it if you want to."

I sighed, picked up another book and started reading.

"...Um...Brother, are you hungry?" She didn't read the book, but put it aside and asked about me.

"..." I felt for a moment, "Not really hungry yet... What? Is it already noon?"

Since it was already late when I got up, it wouldn't be strange if it was noon now.

"Hmm...why don't you want to come to my house for dinner..."

"...Thanks, but I'm not hungry and I don't feel like moving."

"Oh...I see...Then I..."

She said as she prepared to leave.

"Wait a minute." I handed her a painting. "Here, I drew this a while ago. I'm giving it to you."

"Ah?...Oh..." She took the painting, took a look at it and showed a surprised expression.

"Did you draw this?"

A little unsure.

"Well...but I don't draw anymore, and there's no point in keeping it. I might as well give it to you. If you don't like it..."

"No... I'm not particularly interested in robots, but..." She glanced at the painting, "I think it's better to keep it..."

"...If you say so, thank you so much..."

I reached out and stroked her head a few times.

"Go home quickly, you still have to go to school today."

"Oh... I'll be leaving then. You should have a good rest too, brother."

She waved to me and left quickly.

"...Yeah, bye..."

I also waved at her back until I heard the sound of my door closing.

"...seems easy..."

I turned around and took out the notebook buried in the pile of books.

"Um..."

I picked up the pen and turned it twice out of habit.

"The first task has been successfully completed..."

Chapter 17: I Probably Gave a False Answer

People will encounter many problems in their lives.

And most of these problems are caused by others.

Because of other people's selfishness, because of other people's interests, because of other people's sense of justice, because of the interests of other people's friends...

In short, most of the troubles you encounter are not caused by yourself, but are accidentally brought to you by others when they act according to their own behavior.

I once believed that there was no one in this world who particularly liked to cause trouble for others... Later it turned out that it was just that I hadn't met one.

Isn’t there a fable like that...For insects, there are only three seasons in a year, because they will die in winter, so they have no chance to experience winter at all.

By the same token, if you assume something doesn't exist just because you haven't experienced it, then you're as superficial as a bug.

In short, I have come to understand that there are indeed people in the world who bring trouble to others, and there are more of them who do it intentionally than unintentionally. Moreover, some people even take pleasure in causing trouble to others.

".........."

I sighed and glanced at the plan in my notebook.

"People like me..."

I muttered to myself... I am... what kind of person am I? I don't have a clear definition of myself, and I can't really say what kind of person I am.

But I can be certain that I am a guy who has become unfortunate, a guy who has only just begun to understand some of the darkness...

As for me, do I have the ability to make others... or even myself happy?

I don’t know, so I want to find the answer.

Later I discovered... If I really want to pursue happiness, then I have to forget the unhappy things, and how to forget those things... The only way is to start from memory, right?

"Crash..."

It’s just that... I’m not sure about these things, nor am I prepared to accept failure.

In other words... just succeed.

....................

Even though I searched through the books very carefully, there was still nothing inside... How strange... Did I never have this habit before?

I sat on the sofa blankly, reading those books.

What is all this… science fiction and psychology… have I been studying such profound things before?

"Well... never mind..."

I sighed and prepared to wash my hands, which were dirty from slapping those books.

Besides, there is still a long-distance run to be completed. If too much time is wasted, it will be troublesome and difficult to explain.

However...this nostalgic event can finally come to an end. At least I now know that the so-called childhood sweetheart is fake.

Fake...? I still can't really accept this conclusion... After all, it was real at the time, I was sad from the bottom of my heart, and... I really did remember her.

I still hope... hope from the bottom of my heart that she really exists, but the current results show...

"What...really..."

boring.