I'll wait for you amidst the romance of nature.

Outside the window, wind and rain raged, and loneliness, along with the music in my headphones, slowly exploded within me. Accompanying this loneliness was a sense of shame for having accomplished nothing. I couldn't sleep, sitting on the hard bed, unable to find any reason to comfort myself.

I don't know how many people in Shanghai are like me, wishing they could turn every cell in their body into a money-making machine, yet still living like slaves in the face of sky-high housing prices.

I am so ordinary, with an ordinary life, ordinary troubles, ordinary dreams, and ordinary days and nights drowning in the city... Ordinary is like a giant lock without a key, locking everything in me. I should have learned to be numb in ordinariness, but on this lonely night, ordinariness is like a knife stabbing into my heart.

Suffocating, I drew back the curtains, stood on the 19th floor, and looked down at the city below... The interlacing lights, passing through the hotel windows, through the all-night supermarkets, through the steel wheels of the road rollers, through the booms of the tower cranes, through the rubber boots and puddles, wove together the dreamlike scene of this city.

I gradually lost my senses, then everything went black, and it was as if everything had disappeared, until the cigarette burned my hand, I lit another one, and the cycle repeated itself...

……

"Michael, open the door, I know you're home."

The knocking and voices startled me awake. I threw the half-burnt cigarette into the yellowish-brown ashtray, then opened the door for Lu Jia. We hadn't broken up yet, but we were on the verge of it.

Lu Jia put on her prettiest summer outfit, with a pair of Chanel sequined sandals that revealed half of her toes, making her look cleaner than ever.

I looked at her and imagined loving her as always.

In my understanding, physical intimacy is like a good medicine that can kill the loneliness that is like a virus. In the past three years, I have verified this countless times with Lu Jia. I can always explore boundless imagination in her body, and then forget mediocrity, forget that I need a house in this city like putting out a fire.

She was like opium, eroding my spirit and reminding me: you should make money, otherwise everything I can give you is just an unrealistic dream.

It's laughable, but I had no idea when our four-year relationship turned out this way. I became an addict, and she was no longer readily available. What we sacrificed was our innocence and boundless dreams for life.

As I was thinking about these things, Lu Jia was also looking at me.

I suddenly realized: we should have a serious talk, but what words could I say that would move her?

"Michael, my visa to France has been approved. I'm thinking of finding a university there to continue studying fashion design... I came to see you for no other reason than to say goodbye after our love affair."

As she spoke, Lu Jia began to take off her clothes...

When she was down to her underwear, I finally hugged her and threw her onto that hard bed… I exhausted all my loneliness…

Burning away the most unbearable loneliness of the night, I gradually calmed down. I knew this might be the most dignified way for us to break up. After all, we could still love each other while breaking up, which proved that there was no third party involved. Thinking about it, could there be a happier breakup than this?

So, we loved each other deeply, and our separation is simply due to a disagreement about our life choices.

……

After getting dressed, I sat on the sofa and smoked. Lu Jia was taking a shower in the bathroom. She didn't close the door, probably so she could talk to me about something.

"Michael, what are your plans for the future?"

Outside the window, the sounds of machinery building the city mingled with the sound of rain. I felt an indescribable weariness. I exhaled a heavy puff of smoke and finally replied, "I just want to get a good night's sleep, the kind where I don't have to dream."

Lu Jia smiled faintly and said, "Don't just sleep and never wake up. You're a man."

I looked up, my mind filled with a lot of excuses I wanted to make, such as the world being unfair, bad luck, and that only a few can stand out, while most people can only live mediocre lives. But what's the point of saying all that?

I laughed along with her, then changed the subject: "What about you? Will you go back to China in the future?"

"If I meet the right person over there, I probably won't come back."

"Um."

I was heartbroken, and then I said, "Remember to send me a picture of you in your wedding dress."

"We're not the kind of exes who can remain friends after breaking up, so let's not keep in touch."

I lowered my head and looked at the cigarette that was almost burned out in my hand. After a long while, I replied, "I just wanted to see what you would look like in a wedding dress, and whether it was the same as what I had in mind."

"If you're not kidding, I really think it's unnecessary... You should save your fantasies about this for your next girlfriend."

As she spoke, the sound of water stopped. Not long after, Lu Jia came out of the bathroom wearing the same clothes she had come in. She smiled at me, but I was completely dazed. I had gotten used to her standing naked in front of me after taking a shower.

"Michael, take care of yourself. I'm leaving."

"Leave something behind."

Lu Jia looked at the ring I had given her a year ago, then took it off and gently placed it on the table. She never looked back. I was caught off guard. What I wanted was not for her to return everything from the past to me, but for her to leave something behind in a real way.

Standing on the seemingly isolated 19th floor, I watched her retreating figure in the rain as she waited for the car. The moment she got in, I snapped back to reality, clearer than ever before. I knew what she had taken away and what she had left behind, but these things were not visible to the naked eye.

……

Forrest Gump said life is a box of chocolates, and I thought: maybe he was right; a woman said life is children and a house, and I thought: maybe she was right too; God said life is redemption and repentance, and I thought: maybe I'm a sinner. I've been singing since I was five, and now I'm old, and I still have nothing in my hands, like a speck of dust; goodbye, 20th century; goodbye, people as lost as I am...

In the bar, I sat by the window, and a band nearby was playing a song whose name I didn't know, yet it reflected my feelings. I couldn't let go of Lu Jia's choice, but I had to understand her, because love isn't a means to an end. When she had a better tomorrow to choose from, I couldn't keep her in the name of love.

However, her choice amplified my pain, leaving me unsure how to face the future.

Sitting across from me, Wang Lei handed me a cigarette, lit it for me, and said with a smile, "Don't you feel much happier than most heartbroken people? At least you have someone from your hometown like me who's willing to keep you company... But, damn it, can you please stop treating me like I'm invisible? Even just a 'squeak' would be nice!"

"squeak."

"Do you have to be so honest?!"

I then glanced at Wang Lei. She was wearing heavy makeup, black stockings, and a short skirt that accentuated her hips in a very sexy way. She had told me that she didn't like dressing like this, but it was a professional requirement. In Shanghai, I was probably the only one who knew her full name; her colleagues and customers all called her Lei Lei.

We both came to Shanghai from a small city in Sichuan. I chose a conventional job, while she chose to work as a hostess in a KTV. I couldn't possibly like her job, and I tried to persuade her to find a proper job, but she always said that she was used to living this way. She wasn't a woman who liked change or choices because life had never given her the opportunity to choose.

Yes, she was a woman with a very difficult life. Her parents died in the 2008 earthquake, leaving her an orphan at the age of 16.

……

After a moment of silence, Wang Lei leaned closer and said to me, "Something really funny happened: Last night, a few guys who run guesthouses in Dali came over and told me a lot about Dali. They said there's a bunch of really free-spirited and really rascally men there who ride their motorcycles all day long around the old town and Erhai Lake, and yet there are always girls willing to date them and ride on their beat-up motorcycles… If this happened in Shanghai, it would be utter nonsense! If you don't have a house and a car, who would want to date you!"

After Wang Lei finished speaking, she laughed loudly. Suddenly, she lowered her voice and said to me, "But I really want to go and see it. They say Erhai Lake is especially beautiful, and there are seagulls there too."

"Go ahead."

"I don't have time..."

After saying that, Wang Lei looked at me and then, on a whim, said, "Michael, why don't you open a guesthouse in Dali? You said you only earn six or seven thousand yuan a month in Shanghai, I feel hopeless for you. Why don't you try life there? Maybe it really is as good as they say!..."

She drifted into a daydream, and continued to urge me on through my silence: "Go for it! I heard that opening an inn over there is really profitable... Once you're settled, bring me over too, and we can go together..."

I interrupted her: "Stop dreaming. If I had the money to open a guesthouse, I'd rather make a down payment on an apartment in Shanghai, even a one-bedroom would do!"

"You don't have it, but I do."

As she spoke, Wang Lei actually took out a bank card from her handbag and handed it to me: "There's 19 yuan in the card, that should be enough to open an inn."

I didn't take it, and lit another cigarette instead.

Wang Lei shoved the card into my hand and said, "What else does Shanghai have besides a woman who dumped you?... Go to Dali. Even if the inn fails, it's okay. I can make money in Shanghai. I'll take care of you."

I finally received the money from Wang Lei. Not wanting to dampen her enthusiasm, I promised to seriously consider going to Dali. But I won't leave Shanghai, because I'm also a man easily swayed by habit. So, I'll let her hold onto this money for now. Her job is very unstable; she lives off the moods of her customers. If I ever fall on hard times, I'll pay her back in an emergency.

……

Just three days later, I heard devastating news: Wang Lei had a conflict with a customer because she refused to go out with him. In the chaos, she was hit on the head with a bottle and stopped breathing on the way to the hospital.

Later, I learned that the 19 yuan was all her savings over the years. She had used all the money she had earned to donate to a school in the county town. The students, like her, were orphans who had lost their parents in the earthquake.