North Family Letters

Winter, 1979.

The wave of educated youth returning to the cities swept across the country.

Xia He was squeezed into a crowded train carriage, pushed and shoved by the crowd for two days and two nights. She had managed to snag the ticket by risking her life during the production team's holiday.

This time, it wasn't a family visit or a vacation; it was an escape.

She wanted to go back to the city, to end the five years she had spent in the Great Northern Wilderness.

The train came to a stop at the ancient city station in the northeast, panting heavily.

Xia He squeezed off the bus and trudged through the snow, her steps uneven.

I haven't been back for five years. The old tree at the entrance of the alley is still there, but there are several layers of thick dust and mud under the eaves.

She stood in front of her own door, her hands trembling as she gripped the cold door knocker.

Push open the door—

The room was eerily quiet.

There was no nagging from the eldest sister, and no playful antics from the younger sisters.

Only a strong medicinal smell, mixed with a cold, damp atmosphere, hit me.

Xia He's heart sank to the bottom.

My mother was curled up on the kang (a heated brick bed), covered with several thick cotton quilts that were patched up. Her face was pale and her lips were bluish-black. She looked like she was terminally ill.

She barely had the strength to open her eyes; she could only lie half-reclined on the kang (a heated brick bed), her breathing weak.

"mom……"

Xia He's voice caught in her throat, and tears welled up instantly.

She rushed to the edge of the kang (a heated brick bed) and grasped her mother's withered, emaciated hand.

Those were hands that had been soaked in the icy waters of the Great Northern Wilderness and worn raw countless times on the ridges of fields; now they were so thin that only bones remained.

The mother seemed to sense it; her eyelids twitched, and a murky tear slid down her cheek.

"He'er... He'er, you're back..."

Her mother, barely able to speak, gripped her hand so tightly it turned white. "Mom...Mom has been waiting for you so long...I'm almost gone..."

Standing at the corner of the kang (a heated brick bed) was the father, Song Changqingshan.

He was no longer the imposing cadre he once was; his temples were gray, and his back was hunched. He stood there, his hands clasped together, his face full of sorrow, yet he remained silent.

Xia He looked up at him, choking back tears, and said, "Dad, how did Mom get so sick? Why didn't she write to tell me?"

The father's lips trembled for a long time before he finally managed to squeeze out a hoarse sentence: "How could you write letters while you were in the countryside? With the return of people to the city, the telegrams were all blocked. Your mother... she endured it all."

"Boiled?"

Xia He's mind went blank.

She turned to look inside the room, where her eldest sister, third sister, fourth sister, and fifth sister were all present.

Only she, who was chosen by her father as a "role model" five years ago, has now become a fallen woman returning in a sorry state.

With reddened eyes, the eldest sister stepped forward and explained in a low voice, "He'er, you don't know. These past few years, Mom has been standing at the alley entrance waiting for you every day, winter and summer, calling your name. She would fall over with a gust of wind, and once she fell, she couldn't get up... The doctor said it was a physical illness caused by a heart ailment."

The third, fourth, and fifth sisters stood to the side, heads bowed, not daring to look at her.

They stayed in the city, got jobs in factories, and found partners.

Xia He was sent by her father to the most desolate wilderness, where she stayed for five years.

Now, the policy for educated youth to return to the city has been implemented.

She's back.

But her mother was already paralyzed on the kang (a heated brick bed) and could no longer get up to take care of her.

"dad."

Xia He raised her head, her eyes devoid of tears, only a coldness born from the cruel crushing force of fate. "I'm back. This time, I'm not going back. I've had enough of the Great Northern Wilderness."

The father looked at her, at his daughter's face, tanned and roughened by the hardships of the past five years, her eyes devoid of any light, and felt as if his heart was being squeezed tightly by a hand.

He opened his mouth, but in the end he only sighed: "Come back... then come back. But... there are six girls in the family. Your eldest sister has a husband, and your younger sisters are all settled... your place has long been taken."

This sentence is like a knife.

Xia He understood instantly.

She endured five years of hardship in the countryside, giving the opportunity to her younger sisters.

Now that she's back, there's no place for her in this house anymore.

Lying on the kang (a heated brick bed), the mother's tears flowed even more fiercely upon hearing these words, her lips trembling as she said, "I'm sorry... He'er, it's my fault... I failed to protect you..."

Xia He looked at her mother on the hospital bed, her father who seemed to want to say something but couldn't, and her sisters who were at a loss.

The room was very warm from the heating, but she felt completely frozen, even her heart felt like it had turned to ice.

How did she survive those five years in the wind and snow of the Great Northern Wilderness?

Harvesting corn, cutting wheat, carrying manure, enduring the cold, starving, and being ostracized...

She endured.

She endured it.

She thought that as long as she came back, she could return to her warm home.

But now, home is here, and people are here.

But the place that belonged to her had long been quietly taken away by the times and fate.

Xia He slowly closed her eyes, tears silently streaming down her face.

"I see."

She said softly, her voice eerily calm, "I don't blame you."

She suddenly realized that in this family, in that era,

She was never a beloved daughter, but merely a pawn used to serve the greater good.

Returning five years later, he couldn't save his mother, warm his father's heart, or go back to the path they once shared. His mother had been bedridden for three years; this family was no longer held together by kinship, but by forbearance and a sense of indebtedness.

When Xia He returned to the city, she had no job, no household registration, and no income. She stayed at home every day to take care of her mother, doing laundry, brewing medicine, and cleaning up after her. She did it all by herself.

My eldest sister got married early. Her husband's family wasn't bad off. She would come back every few days, leave some food coupons and a few dollars, and that was considered fulfilling her filial duty.

But as time went on, the contradictions could no longer be hidden.

That evening, Xia He had just finished wiping her mother's body and was so tired that she could barely straighten her back. As soon as her eldest sister entered the door, she saw that the dishes hadn't been washed and the floor hadn't been swept, and immediately frowned.

"Xiahe, you're home every day, why don't you tidy up the house? Mom's lying down, the house needs to be kept clean."

Xia He, still clutching the wet towel in her hand, froze instantly.

"I've been busy from dawn till dusk, feeding her medicine, wiping her down, changing her diapers, and cooking porridge, and you come home and immediately accuse me of not cleaning the house?"

The older sister also got angry: "I'm not criticizing you! I'm doing this for Mom's sake! I have to take care of the kids and go to work at my in-laws' house, I'm exhausted, and when I come home I still have to worry about the family! You have nothing to do anyway, so what's wrong with doing a little more?"

"Nothing to do?"

Xia He suddenly raised her voice, and the grievances that had been building up for several years exploded at once.

"I spent five years freezing, five years starving, and five years exhausted in the Great Northern Wilderness. When I returned to the city, I couldn't find a job. You all have jobs, families, and stable lives in the city, while I feel like a burden! My mother was sick for three years, and who among you truly stayed by her side through the night? Who cleaned up her excrement? Who fed her every bite of food and water every day?"

She raised her hands, which were cracked, calloused, and deformed, and slammed them on the table.

"These hands have suffered so much for this family! Who among you has the right to criticize me?"

The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth sisters all huddled to one side, not daring to speak.

They all knew in their hearts that it was their second sister who went to the countryside for them, it was their second sister who suffered for them, and it was because of this that they had the peace and stability they had today.

But the eldest sister refused to back down.

"That was Dad's arrangement, I didn't force you!" she retorted stubbornly. "With the family in this state, you're the second eldest sister, if you don't shoulder the responsibility, who will?"

"Just because I'm the second eldest sister, does that mean I deserve to go to the countryside? That I deserve to be unable to find a job? That I deserve to stay home as a free nanny?"

Xia He's tears finally streamed down her face. "You all wear clean clothes and clean shoes, going to get off work and coming home, eating and drinking well, while I'm all alone taking care of my mother in a hospital bed, surrounded by the smell of medicine, and living through days that seem to have no end in sight!"

"Big sister, put your hand on your heart and tell me—"

If you had been sent to the countryside back then, could you have endured it for five years without saying a word like I have?

The older woman was speechless, her face flushing red and then pale. Finally, she stomped her foot angrily: "I'm too lazy to argue with you! I've done my duty!"

She slammed the door and left.

The room was deathly silent.

The younger sisters lowered their heads, not daring to look at Xia He.

The mother lay on the kang (a heated brick bed), drowsy and confused. She heard her daughters arguing, and tears streamed down her face silently, but she didn't even have the strength to say a word of advice.

Xia He turned her back, covered her mouth, and cried, her whole body trembling.

She didn't hate her eldest sister; she hated the unfairness of the family.

She resented her father's "big picture" back then, resented her sisters for enjoying the life she had traded her youth for, and resented her eldest sister for taking all the advantages while standing on her high ground and criticizing her.

She suffered physical pain in the countryside, but when she returned home, she suffered excruciating pain.

From that day on, an unbreakable ice separated her from her eldest sister.

My older sister doesn't come often anymore; when she does, she just drops off her things and leaves.

Xia He stopped speaking and silently stayed by her mother's side, guarding this home that had long since grown cold.

They were sisters who grew up hand in hand, but a trip to the countryside and a life-altering decision turned them into the most familiar strangers.