Road to Revival

Xu Deyu stayed at Lü Qi's house until very late before returning to her own place. Once home, she remembered she still had a manuscript to finish; checking the time, it was almost eleven o'clock. So she set an alarm for herself, deciding to go to the office early the next morning.

This house was left to her by her parents. When she divorced An Guoqi, she left with nothing, only taking her clothes and books with her, not even the jewelry her in-laws had bought for her. Many people said she was foolish, and she truly was. Her aim was to completely sever ties with the marriage that had caused her endless pain. She believed she had a salary, enough to support herself. Her parents had salaries and didn't need her financial support, so why bother with material possessions?

My parents' apartment is an old three-bedroom house, built in the 1980s, with a floor area of ​​80 square meters. Although it's called a three-bedroom, one-living room apartment, the living room is basically just a passageway. Fortunately, only she lives there, so it's enough for her.

For so many years, aside from work, Xu Deyu has lived in this space. She still occupies the smallest, shady bedroom she used when she was a girl. Her parents wouldn't let her touch the room after her brother's death, and his textbooks and reference books still remain on the bookshelf. After her parents passed away, she didn't want to touch anything they left behind… Every time she walks into the room where they used to live, it seems as if they've just left and will come back… She has repeatedly read Yang Jiang's "We Three," and one sentence in particular always stings her: "The three of us have drifted apart…"

She thought, "The four of us have also drifted apart on life's journey." Every time she looked at the family photo on the wall, she felt an urge to cry. Each time, she convinced herself that her parents and brother had simply gone to another world, where they were waiting for her to reunite. Perhaps in thirty years, or twenty years, she would return to their side. That time depended on her. After her last relative left, she considered suicide. She believed her mission in this cold world was complete, and she had no attachment to this cruel world. She calmly chose how to leave this world, using methods learned from books, but putting them into practice was not so simple. She couldn't bring herself to cut her wrists, and she couldn't find a place to tie the rope to the beam. Finally, she decided to use gas. That day was a Saturday. She took a careful shower, changed into clothes she had specially bought, closed the doors and windows tightly, and quietly waited for her pass to another world. In her hazy state, she saw her critically ill mother still lying in the room, her emaciated mother holding her hand and saying, "Xiaoyu, you must live well, otherwise I will not die in peace..." Then she heard a knock on the door. She thought it was death knocking, so she didn't move and remained lying in bed. But the knocking continued until it finally woke her up. It was Uncle Wang's grandson, a little boy as round as a dumpling. "Auntie, Grandma asked me to bring you some ribs. Why are you sleeping in the middle of the day?"

She felt that the boy was the embodiment of her mother, and that her mother had come to stop her, which immediately dispelled her suicidal thoughts. Upon inspection, it was found that the wooden window in her kitchen was too old and could not be closed tightly, and the escaping gas had probably been drawn outside due to the gas pressure.

This was Xu Deyu's lifelong secret. Aside from a slight headache, she gained nothing. She went to work as usual on Monday, and no one knew what had happened.

Her office was on the third floor of Building 2, facing the square. To the north was Building 3, where the company's core power departments were located. When she had nothing to do, she would often look out the window, watching the people coming and going, pondering their purposes. Everyone has their own life goals, whether for fame or fortune. As Sima Qian said, "The world is bustling, all for profit; the world is bustling, all for gain." But Sima Qian's words didn't apply to her. She lived, she worked, she earned that meager salary, neither for profit nor for fame. Her greatest torment was that she didn't know why she lived.

Philosophy poses three ultimate questions: Who are you? Where do you come from? Where are you going? Aside from answering that her name is Xu Deyu and she was born in September 1973, she couldn't answer any of the others. The name Xu Deyu was merely a symbol her parents left her to identify others; it didn't truly represent her. She searched online and found many people using the exact same name, but with different identities: company legal representatives, lawyers, gynecologists, and even fugitives. If the world lost a woman named Xu Deyu, it wouldn't cause any ripples. A book says that for our loved ones, they live because we live; when we die, they die with us. The book also says that the only proof we ever existed is our children. But this was cruel for her. Those who cared about her were gone—her brother, her parents. She wouldn't leave any evidence of her existence in the world; she didn't have the ability.

That night, Xu Deyu slept poorly. Before bed, she read a passage from Fang Fang's "Wuchang City" in the June issue of the newly borrowed "Long Novel Supplement," and became engrossed in it. Fang Fang was one of her favorite authors; she first encountered Fang Fang through her novel "Landscape," when she was still young, but Fang Fang's narrative style had left a deep impression on her. However, when she closed the magazine to sleep, she couldn't fall asleep. She began to think about Li Suyi, believing that Li Suyi's choice was her own—that finding the murderer and bringing him to justice was more important than obtaining financial compensation. She could understand the sorrow and deep-seated hatred that Li Suyi had endured, a hatred she herself had experienced, when she had wished she could kill those bastards with her own hands. But she knew it was an impossible task; she couldn't even kill a fish. When her parents were alive, Li Suyi's husband once brought her a catfish he had caught from a reservoir. It was a very resilient fish that could survive for a long time out of water. When it arrived, the fish was still lively and jumping around. She couldn't bring herself to kill it. In the end, she put it in a bag and hung it in the kitchen. Two days later, she realized the fish had died, but it was no longer fresh. That scene was very vivid in her memory. The fish reminded her of her brother. Xu Deyu realized that her memory of her brother was very vague; she hadn't seen him in her dreams for a long time.

She didn't know what time it was before she finally fell asleep, but she was constantly plagued by one dream after another. In her dreams, she was always searching for her mother, who seemed to be very young. She had been lost before; when she was six, she went to Yanjing (Beijing) with her mother. After coming down from the city wall, she got separated from her mother. She cried in fear and couldn't explain her mother's whereabouts to the tourists who cared about her. Until her mother found her and slapped her across the face, she covered her burning cheek, but felt a sweetness in her heart. In her dream, she was still searching for her mother, wandering through maze-like alleys, her feet on wet stone slabs, just like the description in Dai Wangshu's poem "Rainy Alley," which she loved. But she wasn't the melancholy girl with the fragrance of lilacs; instead, she was a disheveled, ugly girl. Later, she met a man—her brother. She felt relieved and held his hand tightly, never daring to let go… The scene changed to a lakeside with a deep blue color, but the man was no longer her brother; he had transformed into a man with a long beard. His gaze was deep and terrifying as he stared directly at her, saying something that she couldn't understand a word he was saying...

Startled awake by her alarm, Xu Deyu suddenly realized that the man in her dream was Tao Tang! Except for the addition of a thick, dark beard, his features were exactly like the person she had seen yesterday afternoon. What was going on? She was confused. How could she have held his hand and listened to his story?

The next morning at seven o'clock, Xu Deyu went to the office. After being criticized by General Manager Tao, the factory newspaper was planning a redesign. Minister Cui and You Benling both conveyed General Manager Tao's requirements, and the department discussed and prepared to open two special columns: one on quality rectification and the other on frontline role models. In addition to handling the press releases, Minister Cui Jian assigned her the task of establishing the quality rectification column. Since the on-site quality meeting at the 13th branch factory, they had received seven or eight submissions on quality rectification from the Quality Department, the Technical Department, the 11th branch factory, the 13th branch factory, and the 5th branch factory. This issue of the factory newspaper would publish at least two articles from the grassroots level. She had already selected two of them. One was a reflection on studying General Manager Tao's speech written by Lu Qi's husband, Fan Yongcheng. Although it had a hint of flattery, she thought it was well-written. The second was "Where is Our Gap?" written by Tong Zhengjie, the deputy director of the 11th branch factory, which was an in-depth analysis of the quality situation of the 11th branch factory. In addition, she also needs to write an editor's note, which will be published at the top of the special issue, as is customary.

Xu Deyu is meticulous and conscientious in her work, not because she is particularly conscious of her work, nor because she wants to gain the appreciation of her superiors. Her main purpose in completing her work is to pass the time; when she is focused on her work, time always seems to fly by.

She arrived at the office early today to finish the editor's note that she was required to complete.

She didn't understand quality management, but that day, Cui Jian called her to the quality meeting at the 13th branch factory, and she even recorded Tao Tang's instructions with a voice recorder. After returning, she transcribed Tao Tang's speech, and Minister Cui took the transcript, perhaps for a supplement. Minister Cui had been very tense lately, and his work was much stricter than usual; several colleagues had been criticized, causing even the usually relaxed and comfortable publicity department staff to become nervous. She was worried that Minister Cui would ask for the editor's note at work, so she had to prepare it before starting work.

Often, leaders' speeches are universally applicable truths, yet empty rhetoric. But Tao Tang's speech on quality management was different. She had personally drafted the manuscript, requiring almost no polishing; she simply transcribed it. She acknowledged the speaker's excellence, especially regarding the concept of high-quality products and the role of the quality system, which she felt was a valuable lesson in quality management. Her editor's note, however, had to follow Tao Tang's line of thought. Xu Deyu began mentally drafting after waking up. Turning on her computer, she recalled the speech while typing. By the time the work bell rang, her 700-word draft was finished. Ignoring her colleagues' greetings, she carefully revised and polished it before printing it out.

Just then, You Benling came in and said, "Sister Xu, it's time for a meeting."

Xu Deyu tucked the manuscript into her notebook and went to the publicity department's conference room. She immediately saw Tao Tang sitting there talking to Cui Jian and Deputy Minister Xue Huimin.

As usual, Xu Deyu found a corner to sit down.

"Comrades, please be quiet, we need to have an impromptu meeting." Cui Jian cleared his throat. "Recently, General Tao has given a series of important instructions on propaganda work. Today, General Tao has come to our department in person. Let's welcome General Tao to give us his instructions..."

"It's not really about giving instructions, I just wanted to meet with the comrades in the propaganda department and share some of my thoughts on propaganda work..." Tao Tang began.

Xu Deyu frantically jotted down Tao Tang's speech in her notebook. She was an excellent shorthand writer, able to record every word except for highly technical ones. But today, her mind and hand were completely disconnected; the pen was writing, but her thoughts were wandering. Several times she looked up at the eloquent Tao Tang, paying particular attention to his face—not a single beard... The Tao Tang speaking now was radiant and cheerful, certainly not the deep, terrifying figure from her dream.

It wasn't until the applause started that she snapped out of her reverie, realizing she hadn't heard a word Mr. Tao had said.

"Which comrade is specifically in charge of the factory report?" Tao Tang asked.

"It's Comrade Xu Deyu. Little Xu, stand up..." Cui Jian looked at her with displeasure.

Xu Deyu was a little nervous.

"Oh, it's you..." Tao Tang smiled and nodded. "You seem to be Meiling's classmate, right? I only remembered when I got back."

She nodded and sat down. She and Tao Meiling were indeed classmates in middle school, but they no longer had much contact, and she had little contact with any of her classmates.

"The factory newspaper needs to change its style, focusing on and reporting from the front lines. But don't rush it, take it slowly. The key is to go deep into the grassroots, to dig out news yourself, and not just read superficial reports—that's bland..."

"Please rest assured, Director Tao, Minister Cui has already organized two meetings and decided to completely revamp the factory newspaper. We are preparing to launch two special columns soon..." Deputy Minister Xue reported.

The meeting lasted about half an hour before Tao Tang left.

Xu Deyu handed over the two grassroots manuscripts he had reviewed and the editor's note he had drafted to Cui Jian. Cui Jian returned the manuscripts before the end of the workday in the morning, indicating his approval. The manuscripts were very clean, with basically no changes, except for adding a few original quotes from Tao Tang's speech.

"This is completely superfluous," Xu Deyu thought. But it doesn't matter; no one will scrutinize this kind of writing.

Xu Deyu never expected that Tao Tang and Sun Dequan would come to her small apartment that night.

"President Tao? Brother Sun?" She was quite surprised.

"Deyu, Dunquan told me about your situation. He's been wanting to visit you for a while, but I'm so sorry it's taking so long..." Tao Tang said to Xu Deyu. "Your brother used to be a mutual friend of ours. He was more outstanding than any of us... It's a pity... Deyu, I apologize to you. I'm sorry to you, and even more sorry to your parents..."

"It's been so many years, don't mention it..." Xu Deyu desperately held back her tears.

"Ah," Tao Tang gazed at Xu Deguang's radiant smile in the photo, "Deyu, I didn't mean anything by it, I just came to see you." He looked around at the extremely simple furnishings of his home, "Deyu, if you need my help in any way, whether in life or at work, just let me know. As long as it's within my power, I'll do my best. Please don't hesitate to ask."

"No. I don't need help, I'm fine..." She just wanted them to leave quickly.

Tao Tang seemed to sense her coldness and left after sitting for less than five minutes.