If you were made a mascot, you would become a legend in the police force.

Li Tuantuan is a man of action. He set up his iPad on the table, intending to play the evening news so that Meiqiu could learn to pronounce words correctly. But before the bird could even hear two sentences of "Good evening, viewers," it started banging its head against the cage.

"Big brother, spare me! This stuff is stronger than sleeping pills!" Coal Ball wailed in his mind. "Give me something more exciting! Something stimulating!"

Li Tuantuan curled her lip, "That's true, forced love is never sweet."

He thought for a moment, then simply took out his spare phone, which he had hidden under his pillow, skillfully opened a short video app, turned up the volume, and then sprawled on the bed to start watching videos.

Coal Ball squatted on the bedside table, its beady eyes fixed on the screen, its ears perked up like antennas, greedily absorbing the vocabulary "that does not exist in human language textbooks" from its older brother's mind through the [mental connection].

Li Tuantuan was scrolling through the page enthusiastically; the big data seemed to understand him well, pushing videos of beautiful dancers and restaurants he was exploring.

As an adult male panda with a human soul, his inner monologue is exceptionally rich and sharp-tongued:

(Tsk, this beauty filter is so strong, your chin could kill someone. It's too high-tech, thumbs down.)

(Oh dear, this makeup looks like something out of a theatrical performance, so tacky. Even the policewoman next door looks better without makeup.)

(This skirt... even though I'm not wearing any clothes, it's way too short. I'm definitely going to get rheumatism.)

He was completely unaware that the coal ball next to him was nodding frantically, its black fur bristling excitedly as if it had opened the door to a new world.

Compared to the dry news, these "truths" from the older brother's heart are clearly the true essence of bird life!

Before we knew it, it was getting dark.

The door lock clicked softly.

Li Tuantuan quickly shoved her phone back under her pillow, striking a docile pose as if she were meditating.

Lin Wan walked in carrying a huge pink bag, her face beaming with an expectant smile that said, "I'm going to give you a surprise."

"Tuantuan! Look what Mom bought for you!"

Lin Wan poured out the contents of the bag as if presenting a treasure—

It was a huge, round cushion, entirely in a suffocatingly bright "deathly Barbie pink" hue. Even more outrageous, the edge of the cushion was sewn with white lace, and a huge heart was embroidered in the center.

"The latest princess-style pet bed! Limited edition!" Lin Wan spread the cushion on the floor, clapped her hands, and said, "Isn't it super cute? Go lie down!"

Li Tuantuan stared at the pink blob, her lips twitching wildly, her whole bear-like face splitting open.

I'm male! A real man! A national treasure-level hunk!

Is this woman misunderstanding my gender, or has her aesthetic system been hacked?

Li Tuantuan was internally ranting and raving, while the live chat was flooded with comments:

(Holy crap! What kind of grotesque color scheme is this? It's so damn tacky! If I sleep in this, the whole police force will laugh at me tomorrow! Take it away! Take it away now! This is a den of sissies!)

Just then.

The coal ball, which had been squatting on top of the cabinet storing specimens, suddenly opened its pitch-black beak.

He took a deep breath, focusing his energy in his dantian, and shouted in an extremely clear, extremely loud tone, with a disdain unique to middle-aged greasy men:

"So tacky! So tacky! Such an unsavory color scheme!"

The air froze instantly.

Lin Wan, holding the packaging bag, froze on the spot, her eyes wide like saucers: "It...it talked?"

But it's not over yet.

To show off his learning progress to his older brother, Coal Ball flapped his wings and flew to the pink mat, bouncing around like an angry young man, repeating his lessons as he jumped:

"Sissy! Only sissies sleep! I'm a stud! Take it away! Even dogs don't sleep!"

Every single word was pronounced clearly and accurately.

Every word he used precisely hit Lin Wan's sore spots.

Lin Wan's expression shifted from shock to confusion, and finally settled on a chilling scrutiny.

She slowly turned her head and looked at Li Tuantuan, who was huddled in the corner of the bed with a terrified expression.

As the deputy captain of the criminal investigation team, her focus was clearly not just on "being scolded".

"Li, Tuan, Tuan."

Lin Wan's voice was soft, yet carried a chill, "This bird was only bought less than half a day ago, and before that it could only cackle. How come after spending a few hours with you, all it has learned are these words?"

"Ghostly color scheme? Effeminate? Macho?" Lin Wan approached step by step, her eyes sharp as knives. "This doesn't sound like the vocabulary a bird could come up with on its own. It sounds more like... the inner thoughts of some lewd man."

Li Tuantuan panicked!

This woman's intuition is incredibly accurate!

He shook his head frantically, waving his paws wildly, making innocent "uh-huh" sounds, and pointing at the coal ball with exaggerated gestures: It's this one! This bird is being naughty! I'm a proper panda!

"Stop pretending with me." Lin Wan sneered, forcefully rolling up the pink cushion. "Fine, you don't like it, right? You think it's tacky? You think I have straight-girl taste, right?"

"Tonight's special bamboo shoot supply is canceled! You can go and gnaw on tree bark, clinging to your 'macho pride'!"

After saying that, Lin Wan slammed the door shut in anger, her high heels clattering loudly on the floor, and stormed off.

The room fell silent once more.

Li Tuantuan sprang from the bed, approaching the coal briquette on top of the cabinet step by step, her eyes filled with murderous intent, her bear paws clenching so tightly they cracked.

Coal Ball keenly sensed the killing intent and immediately shrank to the top corner of the wardrobe, covering its mouth with its wings and letting out an extremely annoying "kukuku" laugh.

"Big brother! How was it? Am I a genius?"

Coal Ball mentally congratulated himself, "Was my translation accurate enough? I saw that woman's face turn green. Our rebellion was a huge success! From now on, I'm never sleeping in a pink-themed room again!"

Li Tuantuan was so angry she felt like vomiting blood.

Success my ass! My dinner's gone!

I asked you to be a translator, not my hater! Couldn't you have been a little more tactful when saying things that would offend the pet owner? Would it kill you to smooth things over a bit?!

"Get down here! I promise I won't kill you, I'll just pluck three hairs from your head!"

"No way! Only a fool would go down there! Your bear paw is bigger than my head!"

Just as the bear and the bird were conducting their first "internal violence mediation," the bedroom door was suddenly pushed open.

Xiao Liu from the publicity department rushed in, sweating profusely, holding up his phone:

"Captain Lin...wait, Captain Lin isn't here? Gun Gun! Something terrible has happened!"

Xiao Liu didn't even care about being afraid of Li Tuantuan's ferocious expression at that moment, and shoved the phone screen in front of the bear's face.

"The internet is in an uproar! Someone posted a video saying you bullied and robbed vendors at the flower and bird market! Now the top trending topic is all about you!"

"The director wants you to get to the conference room right now! This is a huge problem!"

Li Tuantuan's raised bear paw froze in mid-air.

robbery?

He squinted and glanced at the coal briquettes on top of the wardrobe.

It seems that the video from this afternoon was maliciously edited and then went viral?

Perfect timing! Since this bird is so talkative, it's time for this troublemaker to make up for his mistakes.

"Hmm!" (Go! It's your turn, Coal Ball!)

Li Tuantuan scooped up the iPad, then pointed at the coal briquette, her eyes conveying a clear meaning:

You have to go too. If you mess up, I'll stew you and make soup out of you!