Beijing-Hong Kong Rosemary

Chapter 176 Diary (3)

November 1999, 7

The doctor said the baby's due date is in September, so there are only two months left until our baby is born. I haven't decided on a name yet. I was going to leave it to you to choose, but it seems I'll have to decide myself.

November 1999, 7

I've gained a lot of weight recently, and my legs start cramping in the middle of the night. It hurts so much I can't sleep, and it's hard to even turn over. When are you coming back? I miss you.

November 1999, 8

I've kept all the records from your prenatal checkups. I'll show them to you when you get back, so you won't feel like you missed out on the baby's growth process in my belly.

November 1999, 9

My baby girl was born yesterday. She's so cute, weighing only 6.2 pounds, so tiny! I've already thought of a name for her: Shen Guining. May she have a peaceful and smooth life.

……

November 2000, 9

My baby is one year old, but you still haven't come back. She's starting to talk now, and I teach her to say "daddy" and "mommy" every day. Maybe she'll be able to say them in another two months.

November 2000, 10

Ningning learned to call out "Daddy" for the first time today, but unfortunately you didn't hear it. Your daughter is so well-behaved; her features are just like yours—big eyes, double eyelids, and a chubby face. All the neighbors love her. If you had seen her, your heart would have melted.

November 2000, 11

It's been almost two years, and you still haven't come back. My daughter and I have been waiting for you. When will the three of us be reunited?

November 2000, 12

Ningning now calls you "Daddy" whenever she sees your picture. I've taken many photos of our daughter, documenting each stage of her development, so you can see them when you come back. January 1, 2001

It's another new year, and I still haven't heard from you. No news is good news, though.

November 2001, 2

I was overjoyed to receive a call from your colleague Yang Xu today, thinking you had finally completed your mission and returned. But he told me that you were no longer here.

I don't believe you! You must be joking with me, right? You promised me you'd come back safe and sound, how could you break your promise? How could you abandon me and our daughter? What are we supposed to do now?

November 2001, 2

These past few days I've been in a daze, having nightmares every night. I can't accept the fact that you're gone. You haven't even seen our daughter yet. Yesterday, Ningning asked me before going to sleep, "Where's Daddy?" I didn't know how to answer. She doesn't understand anything yet.

November 2001, 2

Yang Xu came to see me today, bringing your suicide note. It turns out you wrote it a long time ago. "I don't want your apologies, nor do I want you to repay me in the next life. I just want you back by my side. Why is it so cruel? Even the simple wish of a family reunion has become a luxury."

November 2001, 3

I was distracted while making formula today and accidentally burned my daughter's hand. She cried so hard she couldn't breathe. I feel so guilty. I'm so sorry I didn't take good care of her.

November 2001, 4

My parents took Ningning and me back to Hong Kong Island, but I don't want to live with the Shen family. It doesn't feel like home here. I want to go back to our own home, but my dad won't agree.

November 2001, 5

Everyone in my family advised me to forget you and start over, but I said I couldn't. I said I wouldn't marry anyone but you in this life. My dad got so angry that he slapped me. I didn't even feel the pain, probably because my heart ached more. My so-called family never considered my feelings. In their eyes, I was just a tool for a marriage of convenience.