Uneasy daily life

In his unsupervised life, Xiao Yun learned on his own how to do what he wanted to do, and also developed the bad habit of smoking.

His first game was a moderate success, which meant he no longer needed to ask his family for living expenses, gave him the confidence to save money to pay off his loan, and allowed him to buy himself a better computer.

When Xiao Yun stopped asking her family for living expenses, she felt an unprecedented joy and pride—was it really possible to be this happy when praising herself, rather than being praised by others?

He initially cared a lot about how others evaluated his games, and would even try to persuade the other person if he saw a negative review. Later, he learned to persuade himself instead.

As long as you don't look at the negative reviews, they are as if they don't exist.

An unprecedented passion fueled his dedication and focus, driving him to strive to create a better game.

However, his best achievement throughout university was actually with his first game. The games he made afterward were of mixed quality, with many positive reviews even saying that the game was included with the novel, the plot was very interesting, and they were looking forward to the next one...

What a shame!

As game developers, shouldn't you be praising me for the gameplay I painstakingly came up with and the game world I painstakingly created?!

I'll forgive you this time for the sake of the money!

Xiao Yun closed the game store interface to amuse himself and continued preparing his graduation thesis when a message popped up on his phone.

[Dad: Qiangwa, lend me some money to tide me over for a while, I'll pay you back in a bit.]

Xiao Yun glanced at his bank card balance, hesitated for a moment, then kept the money for daily living expenses and student loan repayments, transferred the rest to his father, and buried himself in his graduation thesis.

Speaking of which, the class monitor reminded him to make up for the lost credits... He suddenly became very busy, which was really unusual for a college student.

After graduation, I'll make games; I'm sure I can make a game even more fun than the first one.

……

"You haven't made any games since then?"

Mai Sakurajima, who had been watching quietly, suddenly spoke up and asked a question.

Bai Ying casually spoiled the plot: "That's all."

Mai Sakurajima suddenly understood, her deep eyes gazing silently at the white figure.

The white figure gave her a shy, alluring wink, exuding charm and captivating beauty. Even more terrifying was the voice that rang out: "Son, Mommy loves you~"

Stomping, oh no, it should be called stamping!

Mai Sakurajima, with a forced smile, shuffled her toes around while watching Xiao Yun's life unfold.

A line from the movie "The Corner" involuntarily flashed through my mind.

People can overcome failure, but it is difficult to overcome success.

……

Graduation means unemployment; if you have a home, you're a freeloader; if you don't, you're a homeless person.

"You want to make games? Fine," the father said earnestly. "If you're going to do it, do it seriously. If you're going to do it, do it well. Your mother and I will give you two years!"

"Ok!"

Xiao Yun felt a bit of pressure, but couldn't help feeling excited, though he didn't know why he was so excited.

The house seemed different now, probably because I was an adult. My father and mother hardly interfered with what I did anymore. Even though smoking is a terrible habit, my father didn't say anything about it. At most, he would remind me to open the window when I smoked in the house. He suddenly became more tolerant and open-minded.

Feeling embarrassed, Xiao Yun started learning to cook while working hard on creating new games every day. She would occasionally prepare a big meal and help with some household chores. For the first time, she felt fulfilled doing something for her family.

However, making a good game is not an easy task.

As time slowly passed, Xiao Yun suddenly felt that his life seemed to become oppressive again.

Because I cook elaborate meals every now and then, I somehow ended up taking over the task of preparing dinner for my family. What started as a spontaneous meal for my family turned into a daily routine of preparing dinner for them. Sometimes my parents would even send me a text message in advance, asking what they wanted to eat that night.

This is probably the downside of working from home.

The more difficult part is how to make a successful game, at least as successful as the first one, but I always fail... It's not that I'm a complete failure, it's just that I don't make much money, sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less, and I can never reach the level of the first game.

Xiao Yun anxiously began various attempts, and his daily cigarette consumption unknowingly increased. He tried to create a very similar game based on his first experience, but failed. He tried to highlight his strengths in storytelling, but that also failed. He carefully read negative reviews, sought out various opinions, tried to absorb them, and tried again, but still failed.

If it cannot surpass the first game, it cannot be called a success.

During this time, his father borrowed money again. Xiao Yun didn't mind, leaving only enough for cigarettes and daily expenses. However, he noticed that his father had a game store app on his phone and would occasionally discuss with him how to make games more fun... Although it sounded like an abstract description from a layman, his father was always paying attention to his efforts.

But he failed. Xiao Yun found that he couldn't find the path that might exist or might not exist.

Failure is like the corpses ahead, each one bearing your own face.

Feeling unwilling to accept defeat, wanting to see more of the scenery ahead, yet disheartened, unwilling to become the next corpse.

Xiao Yun paced back and forth in anguish, only to be met with the advice her parents had anticipated.

“Why don’t you find a job? I have a friend who can help you,” the father said.

Xiao Yun sat on the sofa to the side, annoyed, and said, "I have my own ideas! You don't need to worry about them!"

"What are you planning to do? Keep staying home all day and wasting your time?" The father frowned, his face showing anger. "Do you think you're okay with continuing like this?!"

A strangely familiar feeling returned, and the young man remained silent like a teenager, his face filled with resistance and irritation.

The mother spoke up: "Qiangwa, isn't your father doing this for your own good? You'll get married eventually, right? How can you stay home all the time? Look at people your age, they've all had girlfriends. Remember Qiwa, who you used to play with when you were little? He's getting married..."

The young man took a deep breath and remained silent. He suddenly realized something very serious, extremely serious.

“Don’t stay silent! I know you’ve always preferred staying at home, quiet and reserved, and you hate going out and interacting with others, but can you avoid things just because you don’t like them? People live in society, and ultimately, they have to make a living. They can’t just do whatever they want.” The father said in a deep voice, “Our family has fallen on hard times, but we’re still better off than at least 80% of the population. We can’t lose our ambition! You have indeed achieved some success, but when I was your age, I was already working hard in the city and doing much better than you!”

The young man remained silent, then nodded expressionlessly: "Okay."

It turns out I never really understood my parents.

It seems that not understanding each other is normal, right? We rarely met in childhood, were always being driven around during our teenage years, and barely spent any time together during university...

I know nothing about them.

……

"You gave up?"

Mai Sakurajima asked in a complicated tone.

She saw herself.

Before Bai Ying could reply, Mai Sakurajima muttered to herself, "Overcoming success is difficult. Whether it's others or myself, it's hard to cross the threshold called success... Having succeeded before means following the same old path. If that path is blocked, the pressure will be even greater. The harder you work and the more determined you are, the easier it is to stray too far down this wrong path. The confidence gained from past success can easily turn into obsession. I'm considered lucky; I naturally couldn't follow the path of a child star when I grew up. Because I've already succeeded, my family's financial situation is no longer difficult. So I'm wavering in confusion, doubting whether I like acting, whether I'm cut out for it, and whether continuing like this is really okay..."

"Fortunately, I was lucky enough to find a reason to keep going by chance."

Mai Sakurajima looked at the silent young man and said softly, "So 'The Corner' is your autobiography."

Bai Ying chuckled and shook her head: "Yes and no."

"Isn't there a single confidante who would risk her life for yours?"

"you guess."

"Mr. Bai is far too cunning."

Mai Sakurajima was slightly disappointed that she couldn't poke out anything more, but...

She watched the young man silently and calmly observe others, occasionally letting out a few thoughts, and her feelings became complicated and strange.

Although their appearances, speech, and personalities are different, their eyes seem to have unconsciously become somewhat similar to Bai Ying's.

……

Observe, think, understand, judge.

Xiao Yun started working and began to try to understand his parents. He constantly observed, listened, pondered, and asked and answered his own questions.

Understanding parents may seem meaningless, but the fact that parents are parents makes this seem even more inadequate.

He wanted to know why.

Why do they suddenly become strict with themselves, then lenient, then urging, then indulgent? What are they really thinking? What are they doing every day? And what are they trying to achieve by doing these things?

Xiao Yun gradually began to discover many things that he had seen and heard but had not summarized or refined.

My mother was the kind of person who would use "look at how others are doing" as a reason when persuading me or my sister. She always used others as evidence to support her own point of view and to convince others. She was gentle, good at housework, and rarely got angry. In my memory, she was a gentle, kind, trustworthy person I could confide in and rely on. If I had something on my mind that I couldn't keep to myself, I would definitely confide in her. However, when there were disagreements in the family, she would always stand on my father's side... even though my father had cheated on me in the past and had built a successful career only to ruin it.

My father is the kind of person who likes to emphasize positive things when he speaks. He often starts with phrases like "Back in my day," "When I was your age," "In my day," or "Our family was better off than so many others." He is always very serious, or at least what he says is always serious and always has to be linked to something positive. He always asks me questions that leave me with no choice, so I don't really like talking to him. And when it comes to family matters, he always makes the decisions. From the few words he says when he borrows money, it seems like he's planning to do something with it.

Occasionally, things surprise me; it seems I was born into a very 'traditional' family.

It's not about men being the breadwinners and women staying at home, since both parents need to work when life is tough. Instead, it's about men making decisions and women being dependent. Men are expected to take on family responsibilities, and women are expected to support men's judgments—this is quite different from what my grandparents did.

I've overheard snippets of conversation that when my mother needed money, she usually asked my father for it.

Xiao Yun found it strange that his mother still listened to him when his father had cheated on him. Taking advantage of his mother's casual remark about urging him to get married, he casually refused and used this incident as a shield.

The mother was surprised that her son still remembered something that happened almost ten years ago. She smiled and said, "No wonder you're not interested in marriage. It seems we set a bad example for you... Actually, your father wasn't like that before. He was hardworking and capable when he was young, and he even learned carpentry. It's just that he started a company in the city and got a little arrogant. I know he's not very talkative, but you have to believe me, your father definitely loves you."

Is this love? Of course it is love.

The mother loved the father, loved her memories, and loved the family that made up those memories. Even though she always subconsciously sided with the father, she would try her best to mediate and resolve any potential conflicts among family members—in short, she would speak well of them behind their backs.

Xiao Yun remained noncommittal about her mother's words. What difference did it make whether she loved her or not?

People certainly like love, but they like their own love even more.

Isn't that how I am? Compared to the feelings I had when lending money to my father, I felt that loving my father was actually about learning recipes online and buying groceries to try cooking... If my parents thought the food was delicious and smiled or praised me, I would feel especially happy and close to them.

In reality, they don't really care. No matter how long it takes to prepare the meal, what steps are involved, or what emotions are involved, it's just a meal they eat every day.

Well done! You can do it from now on.

What about the father? The father who controlled the family finances and the family's voice, the father who had both succeeded and failed?

Every evening at dinner time, Xiao Yun would maintain the usual silence her family was accustomed to, listening to their conversations. Her grandparents, back in the countryside, seemed restless, still engaged in agriculture and animal husbandry; her father had borrowed money from them before. Her father would occasionally say her mother was too kind-hearted, advising her not to think so much about others and just focus on her own affairs. Her father would occasionally borrow money from her, which she would simply transfer without ever asking why. Her father would frequently discuss national affairs and the state of the world; she felt she had picked up this habit from him and needed to change it.

My father was used to having the final say in the family; he was the boss. He was very concerned about his image, and for any matter involving money, he would say he wanted to borrow it. He seemed to be constantly trying to find an opportunity to succeed again. He would bring up his past achievements and liked to say that his family was better than many others, using it as leverage to increase his influence. He became complacent and indulged in his past successes, which led to his affair and a severe scolding from my grandmother.

After a brief analysis, Xiao Yun's conclusion struck him as absurd.

The father who judged himself right and wrong, gave himself multiple-choice questions, and was always serious and silent, was almost synonymous with the word "vulgar."

Strip away the clothes of the father and mother, and what remains is a man and a woman.

Men are slaves to power, and women are slaves to emotions.

Xiao Yun resolved his doubts and continued with his routine, which was nothing special, except that he developed a new hobby: observing other people.

The cycle of days was broken when the news of my grandparents' passing came.

It was a very unfamiliar funeral.

Xiao Yun, now an unfamiliar person, returns to his unfamiliar hometown, joins a group of unfamiliar friends and relatives, and witnesses the funeral of two strangers.

This winter, my grandparents passed away together, perhaps by choice, perhaps by fate. In my memory, my grandfather was a typical simple farmer—silent, hardworking, never idle, and despite being old, probably healthier than I was. My grandmother, in my memory, was the only woman who could scold my father until he couldn't lift his head—nagging, loud-voiced, loved gossiping about other relatives, talking behind people's backs, and was extremely protective of me and my sister.

Xiao Yun silently sorted through her memories, listening to someone's voice reading a eulogy.

"The two elderly people have suffered all their lives, and today they can finally rest..."

Did you suffer your whole life?

Xiao Yun could only recall memories from the beginning of her life. She was raised by her grandparents during her childhood. After her parents took her to the city, her grandmother took care of her and her pregnant mother, while her grandfather worked in the city. Later, when the family became more well-off, her grandmother continued to take care of her and her sister, while her grandfather continued to be the one who couldn't stay idle and kept looking for work. Her father often told her that she should just enjoy her life and not work.

My father's business collapsed, I went to university, my younger sister gradually didn't need much care, and my grandparents returned to the countryside, and we gradually became estranged. Only occasional phone calls, returning to the countryside for the New Year, and my father borrowing money from them could piece together some connections.

Xiao Yun didn't know why he wasn't too sad. He attended the funeral calmly, though he felt a little regretful.

In the end, I only know one-third of their lives, and that one-third is a life of endless work and a life that never stops.

Whether it was bitter or not, Xiao Yun didn't know. He just watched quietly, as if he were witnessing the funeral of an era, or perhaps seeing his future self.

That night, Xiao Yun lay down on the bed in the old house and fell asleep.

The wind howled, and the chill deepened.

……

"Hello."

A muffled sound came from inside.

The young man looked in the direction of the voice and nodded slightly: "Hello."

"Your Poker Knight looks really fun. Even though it's just a small game, I can see your dedication and seriousness in many ways. Your Spider Slingshot has a darker art style, which isn't my type. Yours..."

Mai Sakurajima recounted the games created by young people one by one, as if they were her own treasures, and added her own thoughts.

The young man listened silently without uttering a sound.

"Unfortunately, I can only observe from the sidelines and cannot experience it myself, so my judgment may be incomplete."