The Thirteen Trials of the Deceptive Monk

Miss Hisamitsu was speechless on the spot: She can't cook.

Mingxiao hesitated before getting up: "How about I make two side dishes—"

"I don't want to eat pig swill!!" Hisamitsu screamed. "I'll eat grass! Fine, I'll eat it, okay?!"

"What do you mean by you deadbeat otaku?! You look down on my cooking?!"

“Eating grass is the way to go.” Lü Wenjun was the first to pick up his chopsticks. “This healthy diet is good for both body and mind; we can’t do without it. I also have some special healthy vegetable juice here; bottoms up, everyone!”

Hisamitsu stared at the strangely murky, viscous liquid, greener than broccoli, and cried out sadly, "Quack..."

Mingxiao took a sip, trying to say something, but finally couldn't hold it in: "Ugh!"

·

Seven hours later, at 1 a.m.

Jiuguang shakily descended to the second floor and shook Mingxiao's doorknob. Mingxiao cautiously poked his head in: "What are you up to in the middle of the night?"

"Lu Wenjun has gone mad!" Jiuguang exclaimed in despair. "He hid all the food with oil stains on it. I searched the ice cellar for ages and couldn't even find a single piece of ham!"

"The little witch's box of handmade cookies is too potent," Mingxiao shuddered. "He's probably already in a state of madness."

"He may be possessed by a demon, but I can't suffer like this! When will this endless cycle of broccoli, chicken breast, and boiled eggs ever end?!"

Mingxiao pondered carefully: "Based on my experience reading in magazines, it will probably take at least 3 months..."

"It's winter break, what am I going to do for my Christmas dinner?" Hisami exclaimed in anguish. "Is it fair that the cook is dieting and making the whole family starve? You're his senior and landlady, you should do something about him!"

Mingxiao chuckled dryly: "Actually, Wenjun has already paid his rent. Helping with cooking is voluntary work, so I have no right to interfere in the kitchen..."

"How can you be so calm..." Hisamitsu narrowed his eyes, "No, this smell...it's the smell of a traitor! What are you hiding?!"

Mingxiao frantically raised her finger: "Shut up and don't let him hear! I just found half a chocolate in my bag and haven't even had a chance to eat it yet..."

"If you don't tell me, I'm going to yell."

"Sister, how did you end up being such a scoundrel?"

Hisamitsu squeezed into the room and broke off a quarter of a chocolate bar. The two of them put it in their mouths and felt a bittersweet taste, speechless with emotion.

"When will this suffering end..." Mingxiao wanted to cry.

Hisamitsu shouted angrily, "How can we starve to death if we have hands and feet? If he doesn't cook, you can take the leftovers home. We can just eat leftovers from the cafeteria every day starting tomorrow!"

Mingxiao covered her head and cried out, "I don't want to... I've been eating Wenjun's cooking for two months and I don't want to eat in the cafeteria anymore... I want to eat his cooking three meals a day..."

"Have some ambition, you useless rabbit!"

“If you have such integrity, then why don’t you become self-reliant!” Mingxiao retorted sarcastically. “Didn’t you used to rarely come downstairs more than once a month? How come you’ve been coming down for meals every day since Wenjun came?”

Hisamitsu, with his thick skin, remained unfazed: "The food is delicious! I love it! That's precisely why I must take it back!"

"He's been through so much trauma, it's hard to calm him down..."

"That's why I said we should at least prepare some food—"

“The problem is that Wenjun is very petty,” Mingxiao pointed out the key point. “If he finds out we’re secretly hiding food, what do you think he’ll think? I bet he’ll hold a grudge until the end of our diet. What will we eat then?!”

"Damn it, that shameless guy actually did that." Hisamitsu covered his face. "Since things have come to this, we have no choice but to take drastic measures. You go to the guild leader tomorrow and borrow that damn magical artifact from her!"

Mingxiao gasped, "People could die, okay? Who would be so foolish as to use that?"

"So we need bait to lure him in," Hisamitsu said fiercely. "This is a matter of life and death; there are no bottom lines. Are you in or not?"

After Jiuguang finished explaining the plan in a few words, Mingxiao carefully considered whether face or stomach was more important, and then grabbed her best friend's hand.

"Eating is more important than anything else!"

·

And so, another day passed.

Having endured countless temptations at school, Lü Wenjun returned to Shuijingting, channeling his grief and anger into motivation. Holding up a bag of fresh chicken breast, he shouted, "Today we're having grilled chicken breast jerky—Senior, what are you trying to do?!"

Mingxiao was blocking the doorway, his face plastered with a fake smile.

"Wenjun, Jiuguang and I are very concerned about your health, so we've decided to do our part to help you lose weight..."

Lu Wenjun said warily, "Forget about diet pills, I won't do any more with 'magic weight loss drugs'."

"Why would we use strange drugs? Our magical world has its own advanced method for reducing the weight of magical artifacts. Look!"

Mingxiao stepped aside and reached out his hand behind him, causing Lü Wenjun to gasp in shock.

In the center of the living room was a set of ancient bronze equipment, which looked like a treadmill with a bull shell. The blue cowhide was painted with ancient strokes depicting various wonders such as war, floods, giants, and thunder. Around it stood a dozen brass arms holding eighteen kinds of weapons. Just by looking at its inhumane appearance, one could tell that it was an extremely cruel set of torture instruments!

"Senior, are you trying to kill me?!"

"How could that be? This is the famous 'Miniature Odyssey' training tool."

Lu Wenjun exclaimed in horror, "You just said it was torture! You let it slip yourself!"

"This magical artifact is inspired by the famous classic 'The Odyssey,' allowing the user to experience the epic adventures of a great hero in a short time, providing a highly efficient training effect. Look!"

Mingxiao snapped his fingers, and a transparent magic doll stepped onto the treadmill. After only two steps, it was pierced by the mechanical arm, leaving 18 transparent holes.

"Dead! He was completely mutilated in just 2 seconds!!"

"There might be a problem with the difficulty setting, let me check..."

After fiddling with it for a while, the bull-headed object at the front of the magic tool opened its mouth and said, "The current design is the lowest difficulty."

Lu Wenjun's face darkened: "Even the lowest difficulty level is enough to kill people, so what kind of torture is involved in the medium and high difficulties?!"

Minotaur said methodically, "Medium difficulty will provide Giant Slinging and Witchcraft. High difficulty will provide Sea God's Storm."

"Isn't this level of faithfulness to the original work a bit excessive? Was it really necessary to go this far?!"

Mingxiao patted the bull's head proudly and said, "This is a training tool personally designed by our student council president. It can maintain a perfect annihilation... healthy state."

"You just said they were annihilated! Just who is this student council president?!"

“I begged and pleaded for half an hour this time but still couldn’t get it. I finally managed to snatch it with great difficulty. Wenjun, you have to cherish this opportunity.” Mingxiao put her arm around his shoulder. “Just go ahead and do it without worry. You’ll lose weight in less than 3 days using this.”

"Only 3 days left, less than 3 hours and I'm afraid I'll be on my way to heaven." Lü Wenjun broke free. "No, absolutely not. I'm not worthy of this good stuff, senior, you can enjoy it yourself."

Mingxiao chuckled coldly: "You're currently resisting embarking on this adventure... but after seeing the temptations I've prepared for you, can you still resist?"

"What temptation—holy crap!"

But then he saw a beautiful figure slowly descend from the building, and Lü Wenjun was so startled he nearly jumped three feet into the air. It was—

Miss Hisamitsu, dressed in a cheerleader outfit!

She wore a slightly high-sleeved blue and white top, revealing just her soft belly and cute little navel. Beneath her mini-skirt, she wore sheer white stockings that hugged her thighs, and her loungewear had been replaced with athletic running shoes. Holding a colorful pom-pom, she jumped up playfully, her black hair, tied in a high ponytail, swaying behind her.

"Go for it! Go for it!" Hisamitsu smiled brightly. "Go, Wenjun-senpai!"

"Waaah—"

Lu Wenjun knelt in front of the machine, nearly vomiting blood.

Are you kidding me? I feel like throwing up!

—That's what I wanted to say, but she's just too cute. Even though she's a terrifying otaku at heart, I couldn't bring myself to say a single harsh word!

"Don't be intimidated by difficulties and obstacles, go for it!"

Lu Wenjun's expression was a mixture of vomiting and impending vomit. He trembled as he looked up, struggling to speak: "You'd go to such lengths to harm me! Where has your shame gone?!"

Hisami tilted her head, puzzled, and said, "As a 17-year-old beautiful girl, it's reasonable for me to call you, a college student, 'senior,' right?"

Mingxiao, who was out of Lu Wenjun's sight, made a vomiting expression.

Lu Wenjun found himself involuntarily crawling towards the torture device. His brain was saying "no," but his body was saying "yes! I'll show you!"

"Please, someone, save me!" he cried in terror.

Jiu Guangyin chuckled and squatted down, whispering in his ear, "I have another outfit I've been keeping secret~"

"Please stay away from me, don't tempt me anymore..."

Hisamitsu showed him the jade pendant, which was a bunny girl outfit that immediately reminded people of shady businesses!

"If you can make it to the finish line, I'll let Mingxiao wear this outfit for you!"

Mingxiao nearly twisted his neck: "What does this have to do with me?! Didn't we agree that you would wear it?!"

"What a joke! I've already sold my body first, how can I let you be the only one who gets away with it?" Miss Hisamitsu tossed her ponytail. "So, nerd, are you in?"

Lu Wenjun leaped up and lunged at the terrifying torture device, his face filled with the fervor of someone ready to sacrifice himself: "The opportunity to challenge an epic hero is right in front of me, how can I not give it a try? Watch me overcome it and show you!!"

Mingxiao was shocked: "Why did he suddenly become so enthusiastic?! And he's so fast! He's dodging all-around attacks like a cockroach with that disgusting smile!"

"Heh, you super-old single loser really don't understand men." Hisami waved the colorful ball disdainfully. "Wenjun-senpai, so handsome~ Remember to cook after you finish, I want to eat teriyaki chicken cutlet."

"How dare you, an old, single, and lazy guy, talk to me like that?! And I want shrimp fried rice."

"Ugh!"

Driven by the allure of women, Lü Wenjun channeled 300% of his energy—the same level of awareness he had cultivated during his survival training.

Dodging assassinations while running... avoiding a hail of arrows...

Escaped the witch's spell... Dodged the giant's stones... Crossed the storm sent by the gods...

Finally, after three long nights of hard work, Lü Wenjun reached the end of his training. He understood the feelings of Odysseus returning home after countless hardships; the great hero who reached the shore longed for…

"—It's the women waiting for him back home!"

"It's your wife and children, you pervert." Mingxiao covered his face. "I'm speechless... This thing looks like torture. The president is really sick."

Hisamitsu clapped: "Impressive, that's perseverance. Are you really that eager for this fat rabbit's body?!"

Lü Wenjun proudly declared, "That's right!"

"Very good, you've completely abandoned all pretense of dignity. I declare you've taken the first step towards becoming a great useless magician!" Hisamitsu waved his hand. "Step on the scale and tell us your achievement!"

Lu Wenjun stepped onto the scale, overwhelmed with emotion. The hardships, efforts, ridicule, lust, and desire for women along the way had shaped who he was today.

At this point, losing weight is no longer the most important goal. What truly matters is gaining another kilogram along the way…

"...?"

Lü Wenjun rubbed his eyes and looked down to confirm.

The number on the scale has indeed increased by 1 kilogram.

"—Are you kidding me?!"

Mingxiao peeked out and, forgetting all about mocking, exclaimed, "How could this be?! This thing would lose at least a layer of skin after running a whole lap, how could it get even fatter?!"

"Is the scale broken?" Hisamitsu frowned. "Why don't you try it?"

"My weight won't increase—huh?!"

Mingxiao made a sound that sounded exactly like a dead duck, and froze on the scale, turning into a gray-white stone statue.

Lu Wenjun glanced at it and calmly said, "Senior, this number is quite consistent with your figure. It's just that you might have a little bit of a belly. Losing just 5 pounds will... oh my god, my head is going to split open—"

Mingxiao grabbed his skull with one hand and roared, "Impossible! Absolutely impossible!"

"You idiots! You two are a match made in heaven, a pair of fat bastards!" Hisamitsu laughed wildly.

"What are you laughing at? You've gotten fat too!"

Lu Wenjun shifted the focus to outsiders: "Your stockings are starting to dig into your skin, aren't they? I remember very clearly that when you first put them on, they fit perfectly!"

Hisamitsu touched his thigh, and his smile froze on his face.

"This, this is... the reason the clothes shrank," she stammered. "How could a naturally beautiful girl like me—"

Two seconds after Hisamitsu lowered his head, a scream comparable to that of a female ghost erupted from the Water Mirror Garden.

"Impossible, absolutely impossible—"

"The scale is broken! That must be it!!"

Lu Wenjun gestured for everyone to calm down: "Given how things have come to this, this is probably not a coincidence. I'm a newcomer, so it's not surprising, but there's no reason for the two of you to have gained weight so quickly... Could it be a magical attack?"

"Yes!" Hisamitsu grasped at this straw. "Someone ambushed me!"

Mingxiao reacted quickly: "Use your new technique!"

"No, it can't be that simple..."

Lu Wenjun conjured a rhinoceros horn, lit it, and then fell silent.