Yes, Prime Minister of Japan

Deputy team leader's report:

"No one was carrying live ammunition; everyone was throwing paintballs. It's suspected that... uh... the mast of the USS Kennedy had a weak weld, and the explosion of the paintballs knocked it off."

The issue of the mast's flimsy construction, of course, requires us to go back to the Okinawa Incident in January 2028.

At that time, the radical faction of the Japan Maritime Self-Defense Force launched a short-range man-portable missile, causing a fairly large-scale collision between warships. Several ships were damaged. The super classic clothesline mast of the USS Kennedy, which was already defective in welding and was blown off by the missile, was hit on the head for the first time.

After returning to the US for over a year of overhauling and repairs, the repair of this mast, a simple task requiring such low-tech skills, resulted in numerous farcical situations. The core problem was the dwindling number of welders in US shipyards; very few were capable of handling such large-scale repairs. Yet, the US military continued its aircraft carrier return voyages, ultimately leading to the Italian shipbuilding company Fincantieri hiring some temporary welders to fob them off.

The shortage of marine welders has been a problem for a long time. What's even more ridiculous is that the American clothesline mast manufacturer is on the verge of bankruptcy, so there are no new parts available for them.

So this skull wasn't newly grown at all; it was an old piece that was salvaged and haphazardly pasted back on.

Then, paint bombs falling from the sky blew the Kennedy's skull open again.

"Can't they even find reliable welders?!"

"It's really hard to find welders in the US who can weld such large objects."

This paint bombing, which made the US military lose face, ended amidst such ridicule.

The fighter jet formation turned back, leaving countless American soldiers helpless as they watched the landscape painted red by jet fighters.

……

"How embarrassing..."

The port lights came on, turning the bay a blood red, as if Mount Pinatubo were having its period again.

The US military felt extremely humiliated, as if they had been doused with excrement.

Without any reaction or retaliation, the unknown flight formation was like someone who came to defecate, sat down, and left, while they were like the toilet.

What angered the officers even more was that:

"You bastard, why throw away paint of all things?"

The paint was stuck to various parts of the hull, making it very difficult to clean.

Not only is it embarrassing, but it's also very easy for satellite signals to pick it up, making it the laughingstock of the world.

It also wastes the already limited number of sailors.

Most of the people in the Seventh Fleet were quite familiar with Li Xinghe. Most of their original low-ranking sailors had already resigned and fled, or escaped to Japan as illegal immigrants. After the Seventh Fleet moved to Subic Bay, it was slow to recruit enough capable sailors and could only temporarily employ many Filipino sailors, offering them green cards as a promise to barely recruit enough human beasts.

These people are already short-handed, and to make matters worse, they have to clean up stubborn paint. That's really awful.

The new commander of the Seventh Fleet, Kyle Gantt, looked at the sky with worry:

"They're deliberately making things difficult for us..."

In a sense, it was like a rogue's game. Li Xinghe, like a rogue, squatted outside the young women's bathing room and stole their clothes. As a result, the American soldiers, soaking in the bathtubs and covered in paint, missed their best opportunity to go out to sea for combat.

"Forget about paint, or we'll be the laughingstock of the world tomorrow." The deputy commander was almost in tears.

According to the U.S. military's accountability mechanism, someone will soon be dismissed for "losing confidence in combat".

It was in the early hours of the morning.

The Philippines informed them that its territory had been invaded by Taiwanese troops.

The US military was even more puzzled.

Taiwanese military?

Weren't they surrounded by the CCP's army? How come they still have the resources to launch an attack?

What exactly is going on?

"Help!" The Philippine government was in a panic.

"Wait," the US military replied curtly.

I'm busy right now.

Moreover, the US military stationed in the Philippines doesn't even have enough sailors, so where would they get the troops?

After daybreak, the media power of the whole world exploded.

The United States' advanced media industry erupted in a frenzy, launching a barrage of criticism against the government's incompetence.

This is undoubtedly a public warning to the US military, which has already deployed to the Philippines, not to attempt to get involved in the Taiwan Strait situation. It is telling the Americans not to think they can act as king in East Asia at will.

The editorial staff of The Washington Post issued a collective statement:

"This is a historic moment. What did we see? An entire reinforced U.S. military force, three divisions, three brigades, trapped in a harbor. Can anyone tell me why they were there? And on the other side, a U.S. carrier strike group was attacked by red paintballs falling from the sky. My God, I also heard that the troops besieging Kaohsiung City claimed they could annihilate one of our corps in three days?"

The editors of The New York Times collectively went live to denounce the US government:

"I think we have to prepare two things. First, we need to prepare for the funeral of at least one lieutenant general, and hire at least 8000 Italians to clean our ships that have been stained red. Otherwise, I guess they won't have the time or energy to clean the paint off the ship until the Washington is decommissioned."

NBC, BBC, CNN, CBS, ABC, and other television stations also launched a relentless and brutal attack on the US government:

"Isn't this a preparation for the possibility of the United States losing a quarter of its military strength? One corps, three divisions and three brigades, and we only have four corps and ten combat divisions in total."

"What have we seen? A joint military force composed of Chinese, Japanese, Koreans, and North Koreans, who not only have damn armored vehicles, battleships, and air force, but can also fly F-35s to pour paint on our aircraft carriers. What is going on? Has our respected President Vance not realized that his attempt to get Japan and South Korea to each subscribe to one trillion dollars of treasury bonds has already caused our allies to switch sides?"

Fox News, the only network willing to defend the Vance administration, also criticized Vance:

"If our President Vance hadn't fallen out with Japan and South Korea over $2 trillion in US debt, perhaps he would have realized that the ones being bombarded with paintballs right now are the Chinese army besieging Taiwan."

It seems that Taiwan can handle it as long as Vance doesn't make mistakes.

A massive, overwhelming wave of public opinion crashed against the walls of the White House.

Americans naturally possess a very strong sense of imperialist pride. They always feel that they are invincible, regardless of whether the US military is being chased around or frequently suffers defeats on overseas battlefields. As long as the media gives them the power to 'believe,' the United States is invincible.

Today, two US aircraft carriers overseas were attacked with excrement thrown into the air. Major media outlets, acting as amplifiers of public opinion, not only failed to comply with the White House's media control measures but also engaged in a chaotic and unanimous reporting of the US military's perceived massive failures in Asia, stirring up a wave of public sentiment.

The reason is undoubtedly for the midterm elections at the end of 2030. This will be a major victory for the Democrats, so the Democratic propaganda machine is spending hundreds of millions of dollars to portray Vance's Republican administration as the ugliest and most incompetent government in the world.

Vance didn't come to work at all today.

He was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Upon hearing that Li Xinghe's large aircraft carrier group had launched a cluster of over a hundred aircraft, easily breaching the radar installed by the United States in the Philippines and causing paint bombs to fall from the sky and stain Subic Bay red, the Pentagon directly told him: "Prepare for the funeral of tens of thousands of people."

The military in Kaohsiung is beyond saving.

Amid the nationwide frenzy, even talk shows like Snl (Saturday Night Live), a deep blue television program, joined in to mock Vance's government's massive and foolish political decisions in an effort to criticize him.

The host said to the audience in a very serious tone:

"The Vance administration is on the verge of collapse. The last time the United States faced a situation like this was when Trump and his Maga held the White House. My God, just two years ago?"

So, the television broadcast photos of the White House being shelled by the US military before Vance's inauguration, and a large group of far-right militia occupying the White House and Monument Plaza. This was at the end of 2028. It's worth noting that some US intelligence agencies and military officers have already revealed that the commander who shelled the White House was none other than the current Japanese Prime Minister, Ri Sei-ga.

The audience laughed at this. In less than two years, Vance has truly embarrassed himself.

The host continued to seriously cover for Vance:

"Well, it's not that long ago. But the last time there was similar national political turmoil was at least before that, with the assassination of Kennedy. And our USS Kennedy... was assassinated too?"

The television showed a comical clip of the USS Kennedy's bridge mast falling for the second time. This happened yesterday.

The audience's expressions were very stiff; they wanted to burst out laughing, but it was just too hellish.

The host could only shrug humorously and continue the performance:

"It doesn't seem that far off. But I still want to remind everyone, rest assured, the timeline for large-scale evacuations of US troops from overseas will at least date back to... back to the Vietnam War... oh? The evacuation from Afghanistan. Oh my god, 2021?"

The nonsensical, comedic stand-up comedy routine subtly contains the most profound criticism of the Vance administration. Its political chaos rivals the storming of Capitol Hill, its national turmoil is akin to the assassination of Kennedy, and its significant loss of prestige for the US military is comparable to the Kabul evacuation. This all happened in 2021.

The audience dared not laugh anymore.

The host began to repeatedly mention the key points:

"Finally, I can only tell you that if what follows is not a Kabul- and Saigon-style evacuation, but a situation like the complete annihilation of American divisions stationed in the Philippines during World War II, then the Second Bataan Death March will be..."

At this point, the pre-set photos were used again.

This time, the screen switched to a map and photos showing the Allied forces, starting from Taiwan's east side, successively conquering the Batan Islands, Babuyan Islands, and Palaui Island in the Philippines. Thousands of Taiwanese soldiers, nicknamed "Strawberry Soldiers," were shown wielding batons in the Taiwan Strait, inflicting heavy casualties on the Filipinos. The photos also included the flags of China, Japan, South Korea, and North Korea. This is the situation in the Philippines today.

The host appropriately broke down and exaggeratedly yelled:

"Oh God! Why are they attacking the Philippines now? And there are Japanese flags in there?"

The audience's ability to control their facial expressions completely collapsed.

This may be the funniest, yet most unlaughable, classic stand-up comedy performance in American history.

The repeated historical callbacks are intended to deepen the public's enormous distrust of the Vance government.

Moreover, the memes have become very popular.

The whole world is laughing at the US government’s repeated failures over the past decade.

Of course, some intelligent people also asked:

"Why make such a horrifying claim about being splashed with paint? When the USS Roosevelt was hit by a missile fired by the Houthis in 2024, the media helped suppress the public outcry; there wasn't nearly this much public outcry then. Being hit by a missile is certainly more dangerous than being splashed with paint, isn't it?"

"idiot."

Smarter people simply don't bother replying.

The key is politics!

Down with the Republicans in the White House!

To achieve this goal, the Democratic Party and its propaganda media are willing to go to any lengths to create a massive wave of public opinion and portray the United States as having suffered a crushing defeat.

In other words, this is the amplifying power of media.

It does not involve actual battlefield casualties.

Meanwhile, the panic in Southeast Asia may be more real.

Malaysia kept quiet, Vietnam's pro-American faction also tucked its tail between its legs, while Cambodia and Thailand mocked each other over who received more US aid.

"On this day, Asia remained silent."

Places like Singapore, which were once very agile but later suffered a setback, are now starting to panic.

Undoubtedly, as a country perceived by the outside world as having a predominantly Chinese population, Singapore must respond if Li Xinghe's coalition forces request to be stationed in Singapore to replace the US military.

This answer will be extremely heartbreaking.

……

At dawn.

Palau Island.

Militia and various groups of people organized by the Philippines attempted to cross the strait and land on Palaui Island.

The Taiwanese troops on the island didn't even dare to fire, and just watched as the Filipinos landed.

Should we fire?

Many people ask this.

Many more people don't know how to fire a gun.

He Yang was a very shrewd man; he knew that it was time to start de-escalating the situation.

A wise general should know how to end the war he started, rather than being a Showa-era staff officer who only knew how to provoke bigger conflicts but couldn't end them.

They've occupied hundreds of miles of Philippine waters, practically barging into their territory. Opening fire now would only provoke a bigger conflict, which would be very serious. They should take three steps forward and one step back to de-escalate the situation first.

Wait a few months or two years, when the world is no longer paying attention here, then create a second conflict and beat up the Philippine government.

"Attack them!"

He Yang led his special operations squad, brandishing military batons, and charged forward.

The Filipinos who landed didn't have many firearms, and they dared not fire under the threat of tanks, so the two sides engaged in a cold war on the beach.

The strawberry soldiers' fighting skills caused He Yang great pain:

"Your mother's a bastard, doesn't she know how to use a baton? She can eat, but she can't even hit someone?"

"Sir, no!"

This answer made He Yang cover his face in even more pain.

Left with no other choice, he had to personally teach the Taiwanese soldiers how to wield batons, how to beat the Filipinos, and how to inflict wounds without killing them.

After a morning of fierce fighting, the Taiwanese army suffered 6 serious injuries and 87 minor injuries, while the Filipinos suffered hundreds of casualties and were forced to retreat to the other side of the island.