I, the Lord of the Fifth Heavenly Throne, flow out of all things!

[If this is the case, if I am unhappy, will I not be in pain? ]

This was the thought that came to Duanmulian's mind when he was beaten, abused, and even had his left foot deliberately chopped off and forced to pretend to be pitiful and beg. Duanmulian had developed a resistance to pain through his sense of fait accompli.

After all, Duanmulian, whose brain circuits are abnormal and whose values ​​are also abnormal due to her environment, does not have the thoughts of a normal child.

He felt...that he had had a good meal and experienced a little love and material support from his parents.

My resistance to suffering and pain has also decreased, and I can no longer be as indifferent as before.

Therefore, after understanding this point, Duanmu Lian no longer wanted to desire any happiness or joy.

In his eyes, people are all pursuing happiness and joy, and no one likes misfortune and pain.

In Lian's eyes, people who are addicted to happiness and joy have very low resistance to misfortune and pain.

So, if we are immersed in pain and misfortune, do we have very low resistance to happiness and joy?

“Woooaaaaaaaaaa…”

Duanmulian, who had lost one of his calves, quietly and blankly watched the children in similar situations as he wailed in pain, cried in despair, and finally became completely numb.

Then, for the first time, within his quiet heart, there were born contempt, ridicule, pitylessness, mercylessness, sympathylessness, and other emotions that should not exist in such a situation.

Fueled by this emotion, they supported Duanmulian's terrible health and made the corners of his mouth draw a smile that frightened children and adults.

And also laughed.

"Ah......."

This laughter was extremely creepy, evil and twisted.

The voice was also filled with emotions that were difficult to describe even with the word "crazy".

The children who suffered the same pain as him suddenly didn't want to get close to him, and rejected and hated him in such an environment.

The adults who bullied and abused him muttered things like "Did he get a broken head?" and "This brat is crazy."

Others cannot understand Duanmu Lian, and Duanmu Lian cannot...or does not want to understand others.

The sense of knowing, like poison, infected his entire brain and penetrated deep into his cerebral marrow, making his feelings towards happiness and pain indifferent.

At the same time, under the erosion of this feeling, a strong sense of nothingness was born.

Duanmu Lian is not a passive nihilist, but a relatively active nihilist.

He had no expectations of happiness or joy, nor did he have a masochistic ascetic affinity for suffering.

I just want to know, how can a guy like me survive?

What else can people do in this world if they don't pursue happiness and joy?

Duanmu Lian did not find the answer to this question until after her death.

.............

Duanmulian has no sense of being alive, she is like a walking corpse.

So, it doesn't matter whether you are alive or dead.

This became clear after the police officers rescued Duanmulian and other children from the sea of ​​suffering.

Because afterwards, Duanmulian 'returned home', but her parents 'left home'.

Because the criminals confessed everything, in addition to the abducted and stolen children, there were naturally also children who were sold like Duanmulian.

The former is only the fault of the criminals, while the latter is a serious fault of both parties.

Therefore, Duanmulian's indifferent parents were taken away by the police.

At the same time, some adults who had no ill will towards Duanmulian and were very sympathetic to him also discovered that he was not only physically disabled, but also lacked something deeper.

The misfortunes of the children, coupled with the fact that they are buying and selling children for illegal profits, can be said to be of a very bad nature.

So, my father was sentenced to death and my mother was sentenced to life imprisonment.

For Duanmulian's younger brother, the happy family collapsed directly because of his return.

Therefore, Duanmu Lian received the disgust he had long been accustomed to, as well as the scolding and beatings from his own brother.

[This guy... is so humble. ]

Quietly watching his brother who had become crazy and disgusted with him just because of such a blow, Duanmu Lian's already broken heart did not feel any sadness, but was instead filled with contempt and ridicule.

After selling myself, life at home became better, but all this was based on the premise that my parents were still alive.

Now that his parents are gone, my brother simply cannot tolerate the poor life.

Most people hope that their lives will get better and better. No one wants their life to go backwards and get worse and worse.

At the same time, he could not accept that his parents had become criminals, and he could not accept that he had become an orphan in the eyes of his classmates and friends.

Therefore, he hated Duanmulian, his so-called brother.

It was all because of his return that the family completely collapsed and he himself fell into the quagmire.

Because of this, Duanmulian and this so-called younger brother could not understand each other.

After all, he was used to pain and misfortune, while his brother was used to happiness and joy.

The brothers both felt repulsed by each other's situation.

So when his younger brother scolded him and hated him, Duanmu Lian just smiled sarcastically.

His sarcastic smile made his younger brother even angrier and made the adults feel that the poor child might have gone crazy.

In particular, Duanmu Lian smiled and picked up a pen to resist the beating, directly poking her brother's right eye out, and watched the other party rolling on the ground and wailing in pain with an even more sarcastic smile.

After all the frightened adults stopped the dispute after the fact, they all thought that Duanmulian was completely crazy.

That year, Duanmu Lian was only nine years old.

At the same time, because of his mental illness, Duanmulian left home again and entered a mental hospital. After she came out, she was placed in an orphanage.

Because Duanmulian was disabled and mentally unstable, no one would approach such a child, let alone adopt him.

Even if he went to school normally, things were not going smoothly because of Duanmulian's past of violently injuring people.

Therefore, Duanmulian, who has both a mental illness certificate and a disability certificate, has always grown up under the strange and rejecting eyes of people around her.

If a person has a disability, others will pity him.

But when you have a mental illness, others will express more fear and rejection than so-called pity and sympathy.

However, because of her sense of acquaintance and emptiness, Duanmulian didn't care about any of this.

After all, what is the pain of life? What is the joy of life?

Although Duanmu Lian had other people in his life and was born by his parents, apart from them, he had nothing.

[There is nothing left to lose, so there is nothing to fear.]

Duanmulian, who has grown up and become independent, thinks like this while she is carving something or lying in a chair basking in the sun.

He can support himself with what he has learned. Although he cannot find spiritual comfort like the general public by watching TV, using computers, or using mobile phones, it is at least of some use.

Although his life is not very good, it is much better than before.

Moreover, even if she could make her life better, Duanmulian had no intention of doing so.

I have always intentionally maintained a balance that is neither too hot nor too cold, neither too good nor too bad.

At the same time, because of the sense of déjà vu and emptiness, Duanmulian didn't know what satisfaction was.

Having never been liked or loved by anyone, he naturally has no intention of loving others.

[I was a clumsy and empty child, not good at and not liking to interact with others, and I didn’t make any changes, and I lived in this situation for so long. ]

【Obviously, I haven't been able to become part of the world.】

[In the book, I saw the sentence "Men and women in the world are all stars." It means that men and women in the world are like stars, each with their own trajectory, influencing each other, and together forming this universe. ]

[But I feel that everyone is a gear that keeps turning, and I am the inconspicuous gear that is about to break. ]

[I was influenced by my former family and various people with whom I had little contact, and in this process I became who I am today.]

【I am a person who is broken both inside and outside. 】

[The feeling of living is like torture, but I am resistant to all kinds of misfortune and pain, and I don’t have any thoughts of seeking death, even if I think it is meaningless. ]

[If you don’t have something or something you are missing, you should look for it and make up for it. If it doesn’t make sense, just go find it. This is what I think, and I live with this simple reason.]

[So, if I were a star in the sky, I would probably be a shooting star that is very annoying and is about to disappear from the night sky? ]

Duanmulian, who thinks very low of her own value, is actually very positive in her actions.

After all, he was born among the masses and he didn't think he was extraordinary.

Even though his life is filled with a sense of déjà vu and his heart is filled with an indescribable emptiness, he still wants to live and keep moving forward.

After all...there is no improvement in the current situation, so we can only move forward.

Seeking death means the end immediately.

He wanted to prove that he would not succumb to suffering, nor would his will be corrupted by pleasure.

but.......

“What is the meaning of my existence?”

Standing and walking with the help of a prosthetic limb, Duanmulian glanced at the word "leukemia" on her physical examination report in the hospital corridor, and then looked at the various people in the hospital.

Some people cannot accept the fact that they have an incurable disease, while others are happy that a new life is born here. The joys and sorrows of human beings are so common in Duanmulian's eyes.

Those who are declared dead here will have people mourning for them.

People who are just born here will be blessed by others.

As for Duan Mulian herself...

“Hahahaha, you deserve it! A bastard like you is getting your comeuppance…”

Duanmu Lian did not feel any emotion when he saw his one-eyed brother who had learned from nowhere that he had a terminal illness and had come a long way to laugh at him.

The other party's hideous and mocking smile was reflected in Duanmulian's calm eyes.

He just looked at the other person quietly, and soon the other person's mocking expression and eyes turned into anger.

Maybe it’s because I don’t see any of the emotions I want to see on my face or in my eyes.

"You idiot, you cripple, you disabled bastard, I will scatter your ashes when you die..."

Ignoring her brother's yelling, Duanmulian squeezed into the crowd and disappeared under his angry and vicious gaze.

Duanmulian did not feel much when she received curses and insults before her death.

He was just thinking...at least there were people who hated him.

Some people feel unhappy or happy because of their own life or death. Doesn't this serve as proof that they have lived?

He has survived like this, no one would think that he would have any special feelings about death, right?

Duanmulian, whose personality is full of flaws and distortions, has only one regret if she has any.

“I haven’t found the meaning of life yet.”

After the revolving lantern show ended, Duanmulian thought this as she lay in her bed, feeling increasingly sleepy and weak.

He didn't know if this was a regret, but he felt that he "should" have regrets in his life.

Now, he was about to die.

And at this moment, he only had one feeling.

cold.

It's cold.

very cold.

The whole body is losing temperature and vitality.

In this situation, Duan Mulian slowly closed her eyes, concentrated the last bit of her strength on her brain and mouth, and murmured softly, saying:

"All sentient beings who have not yet been liberated have unfixed natures and consciousnesses. Evil habits bring about karma, and good habits bring about results. They do good...or evil, and are born according to circumstances. They revolve in the five realms without rest, moving through countless eons, bewildered and confused, like a fish swimming in a net."

Duanmulian did not leave any last words to the world. When death approached, he chanted sutras for himself to be liberated.