I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

Out of my subconscious desire to get rid of trouble as much as possible, I seemed to have inadvertently taken a step far beyond Ye Hui, almost leaving her far behind.

"It's okay... You can't stand this weather, right? Everyone wants to reach their destination as quickly as possible. But to be honest, my legs are weak, so I hope you can wait for me for a while."

"..."

I carefully adjusted my pace to match hers, my eyes fixed on our steps, completely oblivious to the surrounding scenery.

"...Was what I said just now too serious?"

"Eh?"

After hearing Ye Hui's question, I quickly turned my gaze back to her face.

"There's no need to be so nervous. When I said wait a little, I didn't mean to be absolutely sure... How should I put it, Sheji, if you're so nervous, it seems to make me nervous too." She smiled again, "Is there something wrong with me today?"

"...No...that...maybe it's because I don't understand people's hearts? I can't grasp the right measure in everything I do...or something like that. You see, I'm just such a clumsy person."

So nervous.

Just looking at her clear eyes with a hint of doubt would make one feel at a loss.

I've always been accustomed to being alone, but when someone suddenly appears around me, I become unable to think. It's as if something is stuffed into my heart... something as heavy and light as gas, something indescribable.

"...being able to admit one's own clumsiness can be considered a form of wisdom in some ways. That's a virtue, Sheji."

"Advantages..." I have no idea how to understand it.

"Sheji, you're too desperate for what's in front of you."

She still tried to meet my gaze as she said this, as if she enjoyed it.

Are my eyes beautiful? If I had to say, I still think hers are prettier. They're incredibly clear, so clear they seem to reflect everything in the world. But because those eyes have their own color, the scenery I see through them is shrouded in a different hue.

"Too...hard?"

Finally, I couldn't avoid it any longer. My eyes finally met hers.

Then I realized that in this case...what I could see in her eyes was myself.

"Like a traveler searching for water in the desert, your gaze has been like this from the beginning. It's completely different from the gaze of others who simply look at the desert."

"Eh...?"

What kind of metaphor is that? Is my gaze really as powerful as she says? Why can't I notice it myself?

"So... you're just like before. Just doing things to relieve stress."

"...pressure."

Perhaps I hadn't realized it before. If I didn't have anything to distract myself from my purposeless existence, I would inevitably put pressure on myself.

"Even though you thought I wouldn't understand you before...I still want to say that I can understand you. There's no reason." She stopped walking, and so did I.

"..."

"Don't you have anything to say to me?"

She looked at my dazed expression and suddenly asked back.

"what..."

This rhetorical question is a bit too... blunt. For a moment, I wasn't sure how to respond.

"...actually..."

Actually, I suddenly felt uneasy.

"I heard about you from others."

"Eh? I'm actually quite curious about how others evaluate me. Could you please explain it to me in detail?"

The source of uneasiness is probably the girl in front of him.

"Well... basically, you're someone who doesn't like to interact with them, is very aloof, and has exceptional painting skills... you hardly ever get close to others."

"Oh...I see."

I had once accepted loneliness as the norm, but now I was gradually realizing how I had changed. I had no idea how to react to this change.

"Then do you know what kind of person Sheji is that I know of?"

"...Eh?"

"Before you pushed the door open, I heard there was a strange student in school. He wasn't studying or attending classes every day, and he often wandered around places like the library...but his grades were very good. At that time, I thought he must be an interesting person."

"..."

"When information is scarce, people tend to rely on hearsay to try to understand things they're unfamiliar with. But I think... since we've been together for so long, can we ignore that kind of hearsay?"

"..."

I understand, this is where I'm uneasy. The more I get along with her, the more I realize how boring my previous life was.

"but..."

This kind of time together won't last much longer. It's already approaching three years, and after this period, we'll probably be living separate lives. If I gradually get used to it because of her... what will become of me in the future?

"Ah, I found the milk tea shop." Suddenly, she tugged lightly at her sleeve. "If you want to daydream, you'd better go into the shop and do it slowly."

"..."

Was it a blessing or a curse to meet her? My story with her has not yet ended, and I still cannot come to a definite conclusion.

. . . .

"Have you become fond of painting now?"

The impact of this sentence on me is like touching the wall of a freshly made milk tea cup with your bare hands. Even though it's not scalding hot, your hands can't hold it for long - and my heart feels the same way. Faced with this question, which is not scalding hot, but quite warm, I still feel a little uncomfortable.

Even feel pain about it.

"...this..."

I kept rubbing my palms which were slightly burned by the temperature.

"I do not know."

Even though I do it every day, I can't tell whether it is what I really want to do or I am just following other people's requests.

"...You're practicing hard every day?"

She was very puzzled by my answer.

"Actually, Yehui, you know this too... I just hope that I can have something to do in the future. No matter what it is. As long as I can be like a normal person."

I've always been a mediocre and ordinary person. The only thing I can do is to devote all my energy to completing what I believe in... However, I still doubt whether I can return this to something I can devote my whole life to.

“…I see.”

After hearing what I said, Ye Hui didn't have any special reaction.

"I..just look like I'm trying harder."

Because there is nothing else to work towards, we do things that will produce results as long as we put in the effort.

"It seems you're not in a good mood." Ye Hui said calmly, as if he had noticed something. "And your mind must be a mess, right? I'm sorry, I asked such an important question. It must be difficult to make a judgment at once."

"..."

"I'll give you some time. But I'm also looking forward to your answer." She said, standing up from the chair she used to wait for the tea shop. "I'm sorry to end today's conversation without your permission."

“..Huh?”

Why did the conversation end so abruptly? Did I show any expression that I shouldn't have?

Just when I was wondering, she was already ready to leave.

"If you can solve those problems... come to the riverbank a little south of the inn after dinner."

"..."

"It's okay if you don't have a plan today. I'll be waiting there for you until the training camp is over."

"..."

What exactly did these words mean? I struggled to think, but my mind was a tangle of indistinguishable thoughts. We had been discussing something lighthearted and cheerful just a dozen minutes ago...how had the conversation suddenly turned to something so serious?

And she didn't look too happy.

"..."

I didn't have the courage to chase her away. Completely bewildered, I finished my cup of milk tea and returned to my hotel room, where I silently continued to do my homework.

Then the group of guys who were addicted to mobile games looked at me.

"..You don't have to work so hard. There's still a long time before the homework is due." "Yeah, we thought you wouldn't be back until tonight."

"But it's so cold outside, so staying in the dormitory is a normal choice." "Let's play games together?" "Sheji, what games do you usually play?"

"..."

Why don't they discuss how to paint? They have clearly chosen this path... but they use the weather as an excuse not to work hard... Aren't they worse than me who has no idea about the future?

No, maybe they haven't thought about the future either.

If I think this way, am I essentially the same as them?

There are no favorites or things they care about, no clear goals or directions. The only difference is that they have replaced the game they are playing with a paintbrush. Although it seems that they are doing something more meaningful than playing games...it seems that is not the case.

If my answer is that I don’t like painting at all, then what I am doing now is something that has absolutely no meaning to me. I am just going with the flow and wasting my time.

She must really hate this kind of person.

“..What a hassle…”

I don’t understand other people’s minds, let alone girls’ minds.

"Oh, you draw quite well. How long have you been practicing?"

Without me noticing, someone came over to look at my painting.

"...not long, less than a year," I responded truthfully. "There's still a lot I don't understand."

"Less than a year?! Are you sure you're kidding?"

"...Maybe I've practiced a lot." I seemed to have heard similar questions somewhere.

"You really like painting." He said this and left with a wry smile, but he did not follow up with painting, but continued to play with his mobile phone.

Perhaps the efforts of others are meaningless and uninspiring to them. I don't mind this self-absorbed attitude, but if I indulge myself in this mentality and stop working hard...

"..."

Is this how I have always lived?

. . . .

The temperature in the mountains at night is probably lower than that in the plains.

Thinking of this, I checked the necessary equipment for going out...thick clothes, scarves, gloves and so on.

As I stepped out of the hotel, I couldn't help but look up at the sky. In stark contrast to the sky in the city, the sky was filled with bright stars.

"...I can see now." I murmured to myself, and the mist around my mouth gradually dissipated with the breeze.

This way, she, who loves the night sky, will feel a little better. Although I also stared at the sky when I was a child...

"Good evening, Sheji."

"..."

A familiar figure was sitting on a large rock near the river. After greeting me, her gaze turned back to the starry night sky.

"..Aren't you cold?"

Looking at her hair fluttering in the wind and the white mist she exhaled, I still felt a little worried.

"Ah, thank you for your concern. I'm fine though." She turned her gaze towards me again. "I might sound like I'm bragging, but I'm in pretty good shape."

"That's it..."

I don't know what to say.

"You can sit next to me, it's okay." Seeing me standing there for a long time, she said to me, "Since you can come here, it means you already have the answer in your heart."

"..Answer."

My eyes couldn't help but look up to the sky.