I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

After reading the content clearly, for some reason, I suddenly felt much more at ease.

"That is..."

"She said...the two old fogies in your family have given up on you and don't want to find out where you are anymore."

"...Really?"

"It can't be fake. Since she came to say this specifically...hmm." While I was still analyzing it for her seriously, she had already thrown herself into my arms happily.

If you think about it carefully, the reason why we live like this here is just to wait for this news one day - even though it is much earlier than expected.

"Life will probably be a little easier from now on."

I sighed and touched her head.

Just a few years ago, I would have blushed just talking to him, but now we're so close. It feels like everything has passed so quickly.

"..No matter what, as long as I'm with you, that's all."

"oh.."

This seemed to be the first time she said such words.

Well, it doesn't matter. I'll leave the questions that have been bothering me for a long time to be answered slowly in my later life.

The normal state called loneliness

They always feel guilty about being human, yet they accept the benefits of being human. They always pretend to apologize, but they don't know who to apologize to.

"I'm sorry for being born a human being."

To me, those lamentations are nothing more than empty whining. It's precisely because there are so many people like this that the voices of those truly in need of help and care are drowned out. It's completely free to demand things from a moral high ground, but truly seeking justice and change is incredibly difficult. I'm not a god, and I can't understand the hearts of those who pray... I don't want to be one, because human desires are often ugly and dark, and I have no desire to understand them.

Trying to take everything for granted, I convinced myself to gradually become indifferent to the things around me—more precisely, to become completely indifferent to the things happening around me, especially the people around me.

Everything other than people has its own charm.

Ignoring the noisy crowd around me, I came to this conclusion, which made me very happy.

【Meet】 The normal state called loneliness

If you focus intensely on studying, you'll find that the knowledge in high school textbooks is actually quite superficial... Perhaps this is a harsh statement for those who are still struggling with the sea of ​​books. However, this is the reality. Even if I only spend a little time studying, it is still enough for me to cope with various exams.

I didn't set high standards for my grades; since I could use them to prepare for exams, the classroom learning process naturally became a boring and useless time. To avoid wasting time, I, who am good at exploring unexpected things in human life, naturally turned my attention to other things.

"Isamu, although your grades have been stable, there is still room for improvement. Isn't it a bit arrogant to treat class time like this?"

Everyone has a certain level of arrogance. However, whether they realize it or not, as the subject of a lecture, it's absolutely forbidden to reveal this to avoid trouble. Perhaps to emphasize the importance of respecting teachers, arguing with them is often seen as disrespecting them, forcing them to take the lowest ground.

But I don't care.

"But I already understand all the knowledge in the textbook. Now I want to investigate the parts that interest me."

I explained it so brazenly.

"Then I'll stop caring about you once you get first place in the class."

After she said this, I easily got the first place in the first grade after the monthly exam two weeks later.

Incidentally, I was more impressed by her nonchalant expression when she proposed the conditions than by the way her face gradually distorted after seeing the report card. Because that face, approaching menopause and adorned with crude makeup, was so distorted that it easily reminded me of the excerpt from Mark Twain's "The Million Pound Bank Note" in the textbook.

After that, I unbridled my freedom to do whatever I wanted in class, whether it was lying down to read extracurricular books, looking up information on my phone that no one else dared to show, or even simply sleeping on my desk. However, after a week of this, the dean and homeroom teacher both appeared in front of me with distorted faces. The reason was, of course, that I was not paying attention in class and my behavior was too lazy.

Logically speaking, if you can get good grades by having a correct posture while listening to a lecture, then everyone should just practice how to sit properly.

But even though this was the truth, these administrators completely failed to grasp it, insisting on forcing those who didn't fit in. However, I couldn't change myself for such a frivolous reason—so after a series of developments, they temporarily allowed me to leave the classroom during class, as long as I didn't wander around the campus. All I had to do was maintain my top grades.

I naturally had no objection to this. After all, after I became number one, countless studious people wanted to ask me for advice on how to jump straight to the top 20. Ugh, what a hassle. If I could just tell them I was a genius and had a brilliant mind, I'd definitely be able to put them off. But I also knew the hard way that nothing should be overdone, so I kept quiet.

If you don't like to get along with others, you will naturally not refuse the opportunity to be alone.

As for why I wasn't expelled despite being so arrogant, it was probably because I was able to achieve the grades they expected, and I didn't do anything that violated the school rules. If I went to another school and became something extraordinary, it would be a loss for them.

"Ah, I must thank my alma mater for being able to achieve such results... If I hadn't entered this school..." or something like that.

...It feels more like running a company than a school. Well, it doesn't matter. I'm not interested in that kind of thing. So even if I become famous, I won't promote it.

“There are so many points of knowledge in the world…”

I couldn't help but mutter to myself as I kept scrolling through the pages of my phone. Compared to the mere tip of the iceberg mentioned in the textbooks, it was indeed much more convenient to acquire knowledge from channels like the internet.

Find something that interests me, satisfy my curiosity, and then continue searching - what I have done over the years is almost so monotonous, but I don’t feel bored.

I don't aspire to achieve fame in any field; I simply want to absorb knowledge. Compared to those pragmatic people who aspire to get into college and secure a job, I lack the same drive. I haven't even thought about what I want to do in the future. Even if I could get good grades now, I'd still be essentially doing nothing.

“But you should always choose to do something that interests you.”

This gentle voice echoed my words softly, and I suddenly realized that from the day before, I was no longer the one experiencing campus life alone.

"...Yes."

By the way, after I chose a comfortable and unknown abandoned classroom, I found that there were other people there.

When I first met her, I was just a little surprised, but then I felt a sense of familiarity—perhaps it was because I had found a kindred spirit. So even though I didn't usually talk to girls, I was able to remain calm at this time.

"Hmm? Is this classmate looking for someone?"

There was no resentment or defensiveness. This dignified and beautiful girl was not at all flustered by the appearance of a stranger, as if this was her room and I was just a lost teenager who had stumbled in.

"No... I'm the type of person who doesn't need to study."

Although such words might be mistaken for a delinquent, considering that such a well-mannered delinquent is rare, anyone smart enough would definitely conclude that I am not a threat.

"...Could it be that you are the top scorer in this test?"

Her purple eyes stared at me calmly, as if waiting for me to say the right lines.

"Have you seen me before?"

Although it was obvious from our previous communication that she didn't know me, I still asked the question subconsciously.

"That's not the case, actually." At this point, she suddenly laughed. It was like the feeling of being drowsy by the window, caressed by a gentle breeze... That smile was like magic. "It's just that anyone who could say that must be incredibly impressive, in my opinion."

"...Not that great...really."

it's wired.

I thought I was impassive, but when I faced her, I suddenly felt a surge of shyness. Especially when she called me amazing. I'd heard that word so many times from teachers and classmates that I should be completely immune to it.

"So, what are you doing here for, you amazing number one... classmate?"

"..."

When faced with her question, I didn't know how to respond for a moment. This was understandable, because since I was a child, I have never thought about what I should do.

"I..." But there had to be a reason, so I chose the one that seemed easiest to me, "It was to avoid those people in my class."

"What happened?"

A hint of hesitation finally appeared in her eyes. At the same time, as an outsider who had stumbled upon this place by accident, she readily accepted my presence.

"Are you daydreaming? Shaji-kun really does enjoy daydreaming."

Her sigh, accompanied by the sound of pencils rubbing against sketch paper, slightly interrupted my thoughts.

"Ah..." After meeting her, the scene at that time would always appear repeatedly in his mind, "Because there are really a lot of things to think about."

I responded like this, but I didn't feel a shred of agreement. Even though I was thinking about a lot of things, I was still quite confused about my future.

"That's amazing," she exclaimed, pausing her rapid writing. "There's only one thing I'm thinking of... maybe just one."

"Is it about painting?"

"Not."

This answer really surprised me. He draws constantly with a drawing board, yet he doesn't seem to care much about it... It's not surprising, but it still piqued my curiosity.

"Is it..."

However, I had only known her for one day, and it didn't seem appropriate to delve into her experiences so easily, so I had to suppress my curiosity.

"Ah, it's already this late." She checked her phone and put the drawing board aside. "I have to go to class now. See you after school."

"Oh well."

Although she had her own classroom in this dreary school, she still had to go to class. She was a little concerned about how she ended up occupying this classroom...

"..."

After watching her leave, my curiosity shifted to the drawing board she had just put down. After making sure she wouldn't come back, I carefully picked up the drawing board.

"...Oh," I exclaimed after seeing the painting on the paper, "it's really well drawn."

Is this how I look when I'm daydreaming?

"Dong dong——"

In the silent room, I suddenly became aware of my heartbeat which had become noticeable for some reason.

. . . . .

In fact, people’s lives are lonely.

I don't want anyone to refute this. Even if some people find the world wonderful, it's only because their loneliness has been dispelled. Doing all sorts of things, dying before I even feel lonely... If my life could be summed up like this, it would be wonderful.

"Unfortunately..."

I sighed deeply and closed the book I was holding. I glanced through "One Hundred Years of Solitude," by Colombian author Gabriel García Márquez. Despite having heard of it for a long time, I couldn't comprehend its contents, so I closed the book and returned it to its original place.

By the time I understood the relationship between loneliness and solitude, this great writer, born a century before me, had already written about this feeling in a work that will continue to be circulated for who knows how long. Should I say I was born too late, or should I lament that everyone's experience of loneliness is pretty much the same?

"At my age, I'm already in agreement with the thoughts of the great writer..." Does this mean that I'm a little better than Marquez at this age? Oh, just kidding.

"So you are here."

Suddenly, I heard Ye Hui's voice from behind me, so I turned around to look at her and put the book in my hand back on the bookshelf.

"Is school over already?" Suddenly I felt that time passed so quickly.

"School's over now, Sheji. Do you still want to continue reading here?" She glanced at where I put the book. "I remember borrowing books is allowed, right?"

"I'm just browsing." After saying this, I froze for a moment, as if I had discovered something remarkable. "Wait, since school is over, why don't you just go home? Why do you have time to run to the library?"

Students, overwhelmed by schoolwork and homework, often have little time to visit the school library. It's beautifully decorated and maintained daily. Besides the classrooms, it's my second favorite place. The feeling of being surrounded by books, or rather... simply seeing the different books laid out before me, behind me, and around me, gives me an incredible sense of sacredness.

At this time, she blinked and answered my question.

"I'm here to find you."

"Looking for me?" I had never heard of this before. "What do you want from me?"

I don't seem to have any special agreement with her in my memory.

"We should be going the same way after school, so I think we can go back together."

"...? Is that so? How come I didn't know..." When did she know the location of my house? We should have met yesterday.

"Ah, if you don't want to, don't force yourself."

"Of course I'm not unwilling to do so."

Since she proposed it like that, I had no reason to refuse. And for others, this would probably be something they would have loved to have.

Besides, as for the person in front of me...I don't know if it's my illusion or what, but I always feel like I've seen her somewhere before.

"Shall we go now?"

"Ah."

.....

The night sky always seemed covered in a layer of dust, obscuring the distant lights. The starlight, drifting through the universe, was blocked by this layer of twilight upon reaching this place, unseen by anyone, and then... their own existence was no longer noticed.

Standing in the cold wind and gazing at the night sky, I don’t know when I started to be fascinated by it.

I'm not obsessed with the arrangement of constellations, nor am I particularly familiar with various astronomical phenomena. I simply love the starry sky that shines brightly at all times, simply because it's beautiful.

The desire to see them clearly has been so strong ever since then.

"Do you know the Milky Way?"

"...Galaxy?"