I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

She just held the water cup and listened to me quietly without interrupting me.

"If I read more, would they think of me better? Well... That being said, I don't regret it. I'm still happy to have discovered games. At least I'm enjoying them now..." It's a bit strange to say so much to someone I've only just met... but it seems that not many people actually listen to me. No, before this, no one listened to me at all.

"Having something of interest... is a good thing."

She responded like this.

"Even if it's a game?"

"Games aren't bad things. They're just works made by people, just like books. It's normal to like something... That's what I think."

"..." I suddenly didn't know how to respond, "Thank you."

"Have I done anything for you to thank me for?"

Instead, she became confused first.

"Even though I haven't... I still think I should say this."

She stared at me, and then a smile suddenly appeared on her face.

"You're different from the others, and quite interesting."

"Maybe it's because I don't usually have anyone to talk to, so whenever I get the chance I just want to chat non-stop... I'm usually quiet, but I actually have a strong desire to talk." I couldn't help but laugh, not denying it. "Isn't that one thing that makes me different from others?"

"It's more than that..." She didn't elaborate. "It's just that I feel like it's really rare to find people who are willing to take the initiative to help others...especially those who I've treated coldly."

"...Maybe it's because I've been treated this way so many times that I've become immune to it." My own feelings are becoming increasingly blurred, but I'm gradually becoming more concerned with others' feelings. Whether I'm treated coldly or warmly, it doesn't cause much damage to my heart.

"Feel sorry."

She suddenly apologized to me.

"It's okay... I know there's a reason for that. I'm not very clear about your situation though. But honestly, I don't really care about anything in real life except games."

Maybe I chose to do this to escape reality.

"...very nice."

"Okay?"

Normally, those people would say I was stupid for caring about useless things.

"Yeah." She nodded firmly. "It's not easy to immerse yourself in something. Even for me, even if I wanted to immerse myself in a book, I'm still restricted by various factors and can't do it. So, I envy you for being able to say that you don't care about anything except games."

"..."

"Actually, I always feel like I'm on a journey. If I could devote my whole heart to one thing... maybe I would be able to feel relaxed and have fun." She suddenly mentioned this, turning her gaze to the cup in her hand, as if recalling something.

"trek?"

I don't quite understand what she's talking about.

"Hmm... Maybe it's because you haven't paid attention to the affairs of the people in your class, so you don't know that I'm not actually from this country."

".. Come to think of it, the last name Rin is a bit strange after all."

I wasn't too surprised by this fact. I had already vaguely noticed it from the change in her attitude before.

"That's actually my mother's name... because her original name is too recognizable in this country, I use this name now... to avoid being ostracized."

"But now it seems that it doesn't have any effect." I sighed helplessly. If only I could adapt to the local customs and change my surname.

"...The gap between our two countries is truly profound, and there's no way to change it, so I have no desire to seek change. Even if I'm ostracized and abused, I just pretend I don't hear it."

"Well... who can really explain the truth of the world? Everyone thinks their own opinion is right, so why not just stop judging right and wrong? That's what I think. Just give up on troublesome things."

"Don't you find it difficult to talk to me?" she asked. "What will people who don't like me do to you? And..."

"I didn't consider that sort of thing. After all, I just wanted to talk to you, that's all."

"..."

"Changing other people's minds is a foolish act, a thankless task, and it will never succeed..." I muttered to myself, as if recalling the reasons that led me to these conclusions before.

"That's why I call it a trek - because I don't know much about this place. I know nothing about it, but I have to live here... It's like walking in the wilderness." Her tone sounded like she was sighing, but her expression looked surprisingly relaxed.

"..."

I don't understand why she is like this.

"The same goes for reading. There's still a lot I don't understand, and my vocabulary is just enough to hold a normal conversation... But, that shouldn't be a big deal."

"..."

But this doubt only lasted for a few seconds before I got the answer.

"I feel like I'm walking in a vast desert of knowledge... There's still a lot for me to explore. Even though I'm a little scared, I'm mostly excited and looking forward to it."

Actually, after that, I didn’t hear what she said very clearly.

Because all my attention was focused on her as a person.

The increasingly excited words, the slightly reddened cheeks, and the smile that bloomed on her face for a long time, all seemed to be in slow motion, facing the cast sunlight, slowly rippling in front of my eyes.

Perhaps what I have been doing all along is not what I call persistence. Instead, I have been doing trivial things that only serve to while away my time and lead to my own death.

"...It's truly remarkable."

I admired the girl before me, Rinsenkawa, from the bottom of my heart. From her words and actions, I suddenly understood the expression someone who holds onto something should have when talking about it—not someone like me, who remains indifferent, uninterested, and lives like a walking corpse. Rather, when faced with something she loves, she can cast aside all restraints and express her love for it.

Actually, I should have understood it a long time ago.

I've been running away all the time. I try to convince myself to ignore it, while seeking a faint sense of acceptance, sinking deeper into decadence. I see no future, and I don't want to see the present clearly... I use games to drown out my guilt, just getting by...

Now it seems that I have lived a truly boring life. It's not even ordinary.

"I'm not that great," she denied calmly. "I'm just someone who simply enjoys reading. Anyone can become like me...if they're willing to put in the time."

"..."

Can I describe myself as "just someone who enjoys games"? Probably not.

"If you're someone walking in the wilderness, then I'm probably someone who's fallen behind in the run." I looked at the half-eaten piece of bread in my hand and, before Rinquanchuan could ask, I began to explain. "...Even my only strength, gaming skills, aren't that great. I still have no competitive spirit in this field, and I don't have any so-called talent. I can't do well in either studying or playing games, and I'm far behind most people. I don't know how to continue."

"Falling behind others..." She repeated what I had just said, "Everyone feels that way. Since you say you don't care, then in my opinion, you don't need to care about these things either. It's okay to live like this."

".Well..having said that..."

But it's still a bit difficult to really not care. Besides, how can I live like this forever?

"Having said that, you're still questioning what you've done so far, right?"

Her gaze met mine with a frank expression, as if she wouldn't allow me to lie. Was it out of curiosity or simply concern? She asked about my inner thoughts.

"...yes."

"..."

"But even if I questioned it, what would it matter? My life is already like this, and no matter how bad it gets, all I can do is..."

"No matter what, it's too early to give up now." She suddenly interrupted me. "Giving up before you find something you're good at is too early anyway."

"...something you're good at?"

"Isn't there a saying that goes, 'God has created me for a purpose,'" she said. "I don't think anyone is born to waste their life." She suddenly extended her hand to me. "Although it's not an apology...if you truly want to change, I don't mind offering advice or help."

"..."

In fact, I have been hesitating all the time.

It is the constant hesitation that makes me fall into escape again and again. Even if I think about changing, I still miss many opportunities in the constant hesitation.

Now, another opportunity for change is before me. Just like before... How should I respond to this? What is the best answer?

"...Well..."

It seems I hesitated for too long. After she said these words and saw that I didn't react, she withdrew her hand slightly embarrassedly. "If you still want to do this, just pretend I didn't say it."

".Feel sorry..."

A multitude of worrying things suddenly appeared in my mind. My brain, struggling to process them, seemed to be producing a rather painful feeling.

"No...it's okay." Even though she said that, a hint of regret appeared in her eyes. "After all, you have your own ideas..."

"It's not a rejection." At this point, I couldn't help but hold my forehead. "I just don't know how to deal with that dilemma... In such a short time, I really can't come to a conclusion."

“…I see.”

"So, can you give me some time? I want to think carefully about my future."

This was the first time I wanted to value myself and my future life trajectory.

"That's true... I really can't help but think it over carefully. I understand."

As she spoke, she turned her gaze to the scenery beside her. After a long moment, she uttered something that seemed to come from a sense of emotion.

"I suddenly thought...it's a good idea to decide to go out for a walk occasionally."

"..Um."

I also agree with this point.

A Theory of Happiness: A Mixed Gain and Loss

Is life constantly changing beyond our expectations, or is it destined to change into something we have never imagined?

Perhaps it's foolish to ponder a question that, even if answered, won't solve the problem. However, if it helps me figure it out, I don't mind being called a fool. Rather, I'm not particularly brilliant, and even quite clumsy.

"Sir, sir—"

The increasing intensity of the reminders finally pulled me out of my wandering thoughts. I don't know when this habit started, but whenever I think of a topic I care about, I keep dwelling on it, even temporarily forgetting what I was doing.

"Oh, sorry..."

After coming to my senses, I quickly replied to the clerk beside me.

"It's okay, it's okay. After all, the rain outside is pretty loud." She said, handing the ribbon in her hand to me, "The cake you asked for is already made."

"Well, thank you."

Today is an important day for me.

"If possible, we recommend you fill in your address so we can deliver it to your home for free." She glanced at the street outside the window. "If you just carry it with you like this, it might be a bit troublesome to get there."

"That's not necessary." It's only a few steps away... but there's no need to reveal the reason. Even now, I still try to avoid talking too much with others... except for times like these.

"Thank you for your patronage."

With a bow that looked quite sincere and standard, my thoughts were interrupted again.

"Ah."

He nodded slightly in response, opened his umbrella as he left the store, and then walked into the street shrouded in the lingering spring rain.

How long has it been since that day? I can't seem to remember. Years have passed in the blink of an eye... I've seen countless versions of the scene of raindrops dripping on the eaves.

“…”

The idealistic young man who once dreamed of exploring the truth of the world and the various aspects of life was ultimately tainted by the shadow of reality. Perhaps the reason ideals are ideals is that they are so desirable because they are simply unattainable.

But no matter what, I, who was once destined to achieve nothing, seemed to have encountered a miracle and grasped my own happiness.

So when I think back to the past, what comes to mind is not only the heavy and mellow bitterness like black coffee, but also a sweetness mixed in it that can be tasted as long as you savor it carefully.

Now my whole body and mind are immersed in the bitter air, and I am struggling in the reality called society. It is enough for me to have such a small happiness.

【Love】A Theory of Happiness: A Mixed Gain and Loss

The value of all things is divided by humans.

So I don't want to comment on the rigor of the "equal exchange" rule. Whether input and output are equal, or whether there are gains and losses—beyond those tedious quantities, the world seems to consist only of gains and losses.

No matter what, people always gain something and lose something. So there is no such thing as people who only gain, and there should also be no such thing as people who only lose.

But life can be so cruel sometimes, always trying to take away everything from the unfortunate ones...and it is often not luck or something like that that creates misfortune, but depends on others who control part of their destiny.

"...well--"

The reason I sigh isn't because my fate is controlled by someone else. Quite the contrary. It's precisely because I can't see my own fate clearly that I find it so troublesome. If someone could easily determine the direction of my fate, I would follow it without a care in the world.

Anyway, a person's life is limited, so it doesn't matter how you live... It's better to say that having someone arrange everything for me is what I long for.