I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Then I'll go first." "Wait, wait a moment!"

When she unconsciously took a step forward and pulled my sleeve, the important first step had been taken.

. . . .

When you are unable to complete a task, you will inevitably want to escape, and over time you will have the idea of ​​giving up.

"...Don't lose."

There are still many things in the world that cannot be given up.

"Well, I'll try my best."

Even though it's only been less than a month, I've already done my best to teach her a lot. I didn't spend much time on subjects like Chinese and English, which require regular accumulation. I focused on math, physics, and chemistry, where memorizing the key points is easy to score... If she stays calm and answers the questions, she should be able to get out of the bottom of the class.

Our exam rooms were quite far apart, so before the test, she and I encouraged each other. It wasn't so much mutual encouragement as it was my blessing... If everyone could see her change, she'd be able to regain her confidence faster.

"Then hurry to the examination room..."

I said as I prepared to leave.

"Thank you, Sheji."

"..."

"I won't let you down."

"Ah."

Won't you let me down... No, that's not the case.

It should be so that you won't regret it.

.....

"Fifty-second place... Suzukaon?"

In a class packed with over eighty students, being able to rank fifty-second was a pretty good result for her, who had previously been in the bottom ten. While this ranking wouldn't help her with academic advancement, it was still a good start.

However, some people feel that this result does not match the good news.

"Is this a misprint?" The homeroom teacher, who was reading out the rankings, carefully looked at the results at the back. "...Jiayin, please stand up."

"what's up?"

"...When did you get so good at math, physics, and chemistry? You never even handed in any homework before, yet you scored so high on the test...Are you a genius?"

"..No...recently, I have been handing in my homework properly before the exams." Jiayin seemed confused by this sudden suspicion.

"Just turning in an assignment doesn't mean anything, right? It's possible he copied it from your deskmate... Sheji is top of the class this time and in the top ten overall. You're not saying your grades are influenced by him, are you?"

For some reason, the homeroom teacher seemed to feel that the top students would not help the students who were lowering the average score in the class.

By this time, small chuckles were already ringing out in the class. In this situation, many people would presume that such a grade was obtained through cheating—and that it was cheating that disregarded one's true ability, a foolish act that could be seen at a glance.

"Um...Teacher, I usually teach her a little bit." I couldn't stand it any more, so I raised my hand and stood up to defend her. "I never lent her homework to copy. I explained everything she didn't understand."

"...You don't have to cover up for her, Sheji-san. Even if you borrowed her homework to copy, I won't hold it against you. It's all in the past. But lying to avoid punishment is wrong."

He didn't seem to want to accept the fact that I was helping Jiayin.

"..."

"Since the results are already here, and the invigilator didn't notice...it only proves that your cheating methods are very sophisticated. But I advise you to refrain from such self-deception."

"What self-deception..."

I was just about to have a good argument with him, but Jiayin quietly reached out and grabbed the corner of my clothes.

"I'm sorry, I won't do it again."

"...What are you talking about?"

"Since you've admitted it, I won't pursue the matter this time..."

"No! She didn't cheat at all!" At this point, what are you still afraid of? "I took the initiative to tutor her. Her results are entirely due to me and her own hard work. You doubt her words, but you can't doubt mine, right? I can guarantee that her results this time reflect her true ability."

It's wrong to compromise like this. Simply giving in to the prejudices of others is completely wrong. They have no right to restrict your progress... You have always been cheerful and lively, so why do you lack confidence in this area?

"...You tutored her?" He suddenly frowned. "Since when?"

"Since we became desk mates."

"...Then why did she talk about cheating?" A hint of embarrassment appeared on his face at this moment.

"Weren't you the one who suspected it first? Because her grades aren't good, you wouldn't believe her no matter how she explains it, right?"

"..." After a brief silence, he changed the subject, "If that's the case, then I'm wrong. Forget it, sit down. Let's not talk about this anymore... I'll continue announcing the rankings."

“…”

Look, good news.

If you don't fight, if you simply choose silence, nothing will change. Only by speaking out can change be possible... You can swallow your anger, but you don't always need to do so. You're not inferior, nor are you destined to languish in the last ditch... You should have more hope than someone like me who has no goals.

Don't give up, this is just the beginning.

. . . . . .

The eyebrows, as black and dull as if smoked by soot, were tightly gathered between the brows, and the eyes beneath them were full of surprise and dissatisfaction.

"...Is this the score you got on the test yourself?"

Jiayin's father said this, looking at Jiayin and glancing at me. However, I couldn't seem to understand the look in his eyes.

"Yes... If it weren't for Sheji helping me, I wouldn't have achieved this result."

"...Well...I heard you're one of the best in your class...why are you here to teach my disappointing daughter?"

"...Maybe it's because we happened to be assigned to sit at the same table." It's not an exaggeration to say that it was fate.

"How can a top student like you sit with her?!" He seemed unwilling to believe this fact. He looked at me and then at Jiayin, and then sighed, "I think your head teacher is also a fool."

“..I don’t deny that.”

"Then I won't talk about those trivial matters. Show me the results and tell me what you want to say." He had already sensed that we had something to say, so he temporarily softened his attitude.

"..I want to...apply to a university that specializes in music."

Jiayin, mustering up the courage, put forward her own idea.

"No. That thing is too expensive. My family doesn't have the spare money to send you to a university like that... and your grades are not good enough."

"I'll help her with her grades." I anticipated his concern, so I offered, "As long as you agree, I can definitely help her improve her grades."

"As for the financial issues, I'll help you. I won't spend money recklessly, nor will I hang out with others... I really want to explore the path of music." Jiayin had already made her decision, so even though her words trembled, her resolve was palpable. "I can't ask for your immediate forgiveness for my previous defiance and willfulness, but I really want to take responsibility for my future life. I don't want to run away anymore... It's a rare opportunity like this, and I want to give it a try. Even if I fail, it doesn't matter..."

"Now that you've said this, don't mention failure..."

“....” “.....”

"Your father wasn't well-educated, but even so, he knew you couldn't back down. If he hadn't made up his mind to settle down here with your mother, and if he hadn't made his own way step by step, how could he have gradually settled down?"

Now that I've said this, it means...

"Of course I'm mad at you because you're not doing your job properly. Now that you want to study hard and have things you want to do, then go for it... When I was your age, I had similar things I wanted to do." He coughed lightly twice. "As long as you can bring me the acceptance letter, your mother and I will sell everything we have to support you."

These words express the simplest and most profound love a parent can express for their child. They want to devote everything they have to their child to do meaningful things for them... They don't want their child to waste their time, and they hold even stronger hopes for their future than for their own.

"...Before, seeing how unmotivated you were, I considered forcing you to take over this small shop so you wouldn't be idle and accomplish nothing. But now that you can make your own plans, I'll let your mother and I run the shop together... Just don't worry about it. Just focus on your studies."

"...Is it really possible?"

"Ah, it's not like I haven't saved up some money over the years. Just go ahead and take the exam... and as for this classmate Sheji, just go ahead and teach her. Our child has a bad temper and is a bit slow-witted... If there's anything she doesn't understand, please let me know."

"No, no, no... You can't say you're bothering me... Well, I'm just doing my best."

In the end, she has to walk her own journey.

"Then I'll leave my daughter in your care for now."

"Just leave it to me."

I was so naive that I didn't realize what this sentence meant.

. . . . . . . .

Six years later

Are all encounters in the world destined? I don't know.

After accustomed to watching DVDs, I've also long since grown accustomed to searching for movie sources online. Having played the Famicom, I've become equally adept at controlling the mouse and keyboard. Even though I'm used to listening to tapes and CDs, I still prefer to plug my headphones into my ears, to temporarily tune out the clamor of the world.

However, I haven't seen the person who hid from the hustle and bustle with me for nearly two years.

Perhaps because I cared too much, or perhaps to escape the longing for her in my heart, I sealed away everything that could remind me of her.

"..."

She said she was transferring to a school in another province that offered art programs, and her parents had already bought a house there, so we might not see each other for a long time. She said she would never forget how much I meant to her. She said she would definitely find me and tell me something very, very important.

"Have I been deceived..."

Two years, six months, and twelve days have passed since that day. I still haven't heard from her at all... The phone number I left behind is no longer in service. Perhaps it's also my fault, but I'm afraid she and I will never meet again—even so, in these past few years, I haven't set my sights on other women.

"What did you cheat on?" "Sheji, you always talk to yourself."

I've been in college for nearly half a year now, and I still haven't found any direction to move forward. I've just been killing time playing games with my equally adept roommate... For me, the past and the present don't seem to be much different.

"No...nothing."

No matter where you go, I still stay here and never leave.

Just to increase my chances of meeting her again, I applied to a local university despite having good grades. During holidays, I would always walk around the streets near her home, and sometimes I would go to the music store.

The shop is still there, but the owner has changed from a man in his thirties to a middle-aged man with a few white hairs. Not many people pay attention to this shop, and he doesn't seem to be short of money, so he opened the shop, perhaps just to kill time.

Do humans value time or the opposite?

"Who knows..."

I sighed as I continued walking down the familiar street. The curbs hadn't been renovated yet, the road had become potholed from years of traffic, and the poplar catkins drifted around me. It felt like I'd stepped into some kind of scene—if so, at least the figure I'd been waiting for would show up for a moment.

But there was no beret or anything like that flying past, let alone any dazzling heroine standing on the slope not far away - reality is reality.

What is she doing now?

Do you have someone you like? Are you dating someone? If you're a college student like me, that's not impossible...

"What am I thinking about?"

She shouldn't be that kind of person, I know it best...but if that's not the case, why hasn't she come to me yet?

At this moment, his cell phone suddenly rang.

"Hello? What's up?"

It was my roommate calling, probably asking me to bring back some midnight snacks or something. Honestly, I didn't really want to answer the call.

"...My girlfriend came to see me? I remember April Fool's Day has passed." If this was a prank, this lie would be a complete failure.

"...Aha, you didn't lie to me? Then what's her name..."

"...Please repeat...what?"

......

I no longer recall how I felt when we met.

Now, just holding back the tears was already a struggle. But that didn't matter. Now, I could finally hold her in my arms for a long time. It was like I was replenishing something. Just holding her like this made me feel like something I had been missing for a long time had been made up.

"..Why did you come just now?"

"I had so much to do when I first started college... I finally made time now. And I asked around about potential colleges you might attend... I only just found you now." She returned my hug. "I didn't expect you to be here... I should have thought of it sooner. I'm so sorry for keeping you waiting for so long, Sheji."

"...nothing."

Just being able to see her again was enough for me. Especially being able to hold her like this.

"I came here this time... to tell you something very important."

"...I also want to tell you something very important."

I think what we both want to say is pretty much the same thing.

"Then go ahead and say it." Jiayin didn't seem to be in a hurry to confess. "I know you've wanted to say this for a long time."

"...How should I put it?" After she brought it up like that, I suddenly lost the mood to speak. But after a moment's hesitation, I finally spoke with a flushed face. "Even though I'm still unsure of myself and haven't achieved anything, and I'm completely lost and confused about what I'm doing all day...but I feel like as long as you're with me, I'll find the direction to strive for...You're so important to me. Without you, I'd be a useless person...So, this may sound a little strange...I want to be with you."