I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

This isn't surprising, after all, I've harbored a sense of guilt since I was very young. Perhaps it stems from an overly strong sense of justice, or perhaps it's a trivial overabundance of self-awareness. Ultimately, when someone harms someone, even if they have nothing to do with me, I still want it to happen. This leads me to take some action—once I know it, I act. At least that was my initial thought. However, repeated isolation and helplessness brought this drive to a low point. There's no shortage of people who love justice in the world; it's just that the price of upholding it is too high, and there aren't many superhumans who can bear it. So it's only natural that reality has become so unbearable, and it's only natural that upholding justice has become unimportant. After all, going with the flow is infinitely easier than following the right path. Yet, those who persist in their own ways are incredibly rare.

Do such people actually exist?... I do remember someone who fits this description. It's just that I don't fully understand her approach, so I can only assume she lives by her heart. Regardless, that lifestyle does give me a sense of security.

"Time flies so fast."

Thinking about the time when I first met her, it seems like it was not so long ago. Maybe I will have the same feeling when I think of her in ten or twenty years.

It's incredible. Both the time and the memories.

Chapter 5: I will tell you a lot

It might be an exaggeration to say that it is highly anticipated by everyone, but as far as I know, there is no such term as "highly anticipated", so I don't know how to describe this cultural exhibition that is about to be held and I can't even remember which edition it is.

When I left school yesterday, I accidentally noticed that some people were gathering at the school gate. Now I know their intention - they didn't appear last year, but this year there were posters and billboards at the school gate to attract customers, as well as balloons, ribbons and other decorations on the fences and the windows of the guard room.

Is it because there are too many lively freshmen or are the sophomores trying to catch up on things they didn't do last year? In short, this year's cultural exhibition felt completely different from last year's, and you could clearly feel the atmosphere of something burning.

Of course, it could also be that I was so busy dealing with various issues at last year's cultural exhibition that I had no time to care about the atmosphere. All in all, this year's three-day event has many people pumping up their energy—come on, you're all go-getters.

"..."

Out of curiosity, I took a look to see who was so confidently putting up posters to attract customers. I discovered there were actually video game and esports clubs. For a moment, I couldn't express my astonishment. In this academically oriented school, there was actually a club dedicated to casually studying games. Were all its members hopeless idiots who'd been abandoned by the school? Or were they all geniuses who could get high grades without even focusing on studying?

"..Well, it's none of my business."

Comforting myself with this, I looked elsewhere. Nothing really surprised me—mostly out-of-the-way events worth visiting. Like art exhibitions and ceramics. While our tea ceremony club could display some equipment, that would surely draw the ire of the video game club...

I laughed at myself a little. Then I looked away from the reasonably well-designed posters and headed towards my classroom. Today would be a busy day unless something unexpected happened—so I wanted an accident, as long as it wasn't life-threatening.

"Oh, look who I found?!" Along with the ringing of bells and the clatter of bicycle brakes, Liu Yan's familiar voice appeared behind me. He looked excited as he pushed his bike towards me. "It officially starts today! Awesome!"

"Yeah, yes, you're right." I responded to his approach to me without any emotion, but my eyes did not even turn to him.

"Although I did it once last year...but facing the eager eyes of the new students, just thinking about it makes me excited."

"However, most of their attention will only fall on the lead singer. If I'm not mistaken, Mo Xiaozhi should be responsible." After all, it doesn't seem like they have found any external aid this year.

"Wrong, wrong, wrong! The people we found are very strong." He said with great confidence.

"Really? Do I know that person?" I asked casually out of curiosity. As expected, I didn't. This wasn't surprising, since I barely knew everyone in my class, so how could I possibly know anyone else?

"Besides, we're not just playing one song—I've been scheduled to perform as well, so you'll get to see me as the lead singer too. Aren't you suddenly feeling excited?"

I don't think he was nervous at all, he just wanted to show off to me that he was about to perform on stage.

"I had some expectations at first, but when I heard that you were going to perform, I lost all interest." We shouldn't increase his pride at this time, but pour some cold water on him. Otherwise, if he continues to swell up like this, there will definitely be trouble in the official performance.

"Don't be so cold."

"..." However, seeing his unwavering and even foolishly smiling face, I felt that I did not pour cold water on him.

"Ha..." Never mind, it doesn't matter what happens. "Then just do your best."

. . . . . . . . .

Feng Rongqing, the costume designer, was clearly too focused on form. The sleeves and waistline of the clothes were too tight. This meant that layering a sweater or thermal underwear underneath would make them look bulky, so for aesthetic reasons, they had to wear only single layers. Fortunately, the classroom was heated. Otherwise, in this weather, wearing only a single layer under a light, unwarm outfit would have left me stranded at home the next day, unable to get up due to a cold.

"Next time, you must suggest making the clothes thicker." "Yeah, let's do an Antarctic theme next year." "...You're a real talent."

After discovering this, the boys in the locker room began to chat and complain.

"But with this design idea, the girls' outfits will definitely look great." "Yeah, at least they'll have short skirts and stockings." "Will there be hair accessories like the ones maids wear?"

It didn't take long for the discussion to turn to women. Couldn't these guys possibly think about anything else besides women? There's still no world peace.

"Those of us who got lucky enough to be waiters aren't that pitiful." "...Yeah, those who got lucky enough to wear doll costumes and hold signs to solicit customers are the ones who are really unlucky." "At least there's heating in the room."

As we discussed this, I and this group of people, who we didn't really know well, headed into the hallway. Although the locker room and classroom were less than a hundred steps apart, the hallway was jammed with students from all grades running around, making it difficult to get back to the classroom quickly.

Besides, a dozen people dressed like this walking down the hallway was simply eye-catching. I, who thought everything was insignificant, couldn't help but feel a surge of heat on my face... It was so embarrassing. I might as well have put myself in a puppet, at least to hide some of the embarrassment.

"Oh, what a bunch of handsome guys." "How do you feel?"

The girls, who had already changed their clothes, greeted us when they saw the boys return. It felt like there was a hint of sarcasm in their greetings.

"Don't mention it anymore." "...Is he really that handsome?"

The two groups, already familiar with each other, gathered together and engaged in lively conversation. I, like sand sifted through a dustpan, quietly bounced to an unnoticed table. While this place was meant to entertain guests, it wasn't officially open yet, so it probably wouldn't hurt to sit there for a while.

"Guests are coming soon, so stop sitting here like you don't care." Squad Leader Lin Yi, who had already changed, looked quite displeased with my behavior. My gaze was drawn entirely to her legs, clad in pink and white stockings. Given her personality, she wouldn't wear stockings like that. Yet, she seemed to want to match them—I wonder if she was resisting them.

"...Okay, I understand."

When I think of her scolding me while suppressing her shame, I find her so cute. But it's better not to expose her now...if she quits, it will cause another big trouble.

This means that I will be acting as a waiter from now on, right? If things go well, I might consider pursuing a career in the service industry in the future.

........

"I won't do this kind of thing again."

I felt like I was being swallowed up by this momentum. After struggling for a whole morning, I felt completely exhausted.

"Eh..."

Xiaoye, who came to visit me, didn't seem to know how to comfort me for a moment, and just sat with me on the bench on the campus.

It was already noon, and then it was time for a break, lunch, some leisurely strolls, and preparations. Our class shop had already closed. Due to food and equipment constraints, it was only open in the mornings. Despite this, I still had to deal with customers who refused to leave after their fifteen-minute meal break, and those who wanted to take pictures of our lovely staff to show off. Of course, I also received a few threats, but with Nan's help, I easily dealt with them.

"Why are you making such a regretful sound..." I was puzzled by Xiaoye's reaction. Could it be that her only interest was watching me exhausted and in such a predicament?

"Because you look really good in that outfit, Sajik. You look really cool when you're working hard, so I want to see you more often~"

"Don't say that..." I meant to say, "Don't force it." But after I'd said it, I realized I might have misunderstood her. Well, never mind. I didn't feel like explaining anything at this point. "Waiters are generally bullied anyway. I'll never work in the service industry again."

"So what do you want to do next?" She seemed quite concerned about my future.

"If nothing unexpected happens, I should be a free and unfettered creator." I repeated to Xiaoye what I thought I had said before, "But I'm not quite sure how to realize this sentence."

"Sheji, do you feel it's difficult to create now?" As my editor, she naturally had this question when she heard me say that.

"I'm not sure. While there's nothing bothering me about writing, I've been feeling a bit discouraged. Perhaps it's because I just don't want to get involved in this industry."

It's just something I wrote casually, and it's indeed a little bit different from what I really want to do.

"Is that so..." Her tone suddenly dropped.

This made me feel a little helpless, but also a little pity for her. For some reason, she always easily showed her feelings, which was very endearing to me, and it was also a trait that others around her didn't have—especially since she was working, so she should have been more tactful or more restrained in her emotional expressions, but she didn't show any of those traits. That's why I wasn't opposed to talking to and approaching people like her.

"However, I still haven't made up my mind to give up. So if you wish, Xiaoye, I will continue writing."

"Eh? I...I I hope? What does that mean?"

"Well. That is to say, if I still have the ability to generate income for your performance or your company, and you think I still have that talent to create, I will persist without any goals." This is of course the worst case scenario.

"Persisting without any goal? Is that really what persistence is?"

"Oh, about that. Actually, it means that I entrust my goals to you... I will try my best to go in whichever direction you think I can go, and then write a story that you are satisfied with." Of course, this is the worst case scenario.

"Entrust...entrust...yourself to me?"

She seemed to have subtly missed something, but I didn't think it was a big deal. It's okay to say I'm entrusting myself to her, since there's really no one I can rely on in my future life. While she might not be very clever, there's no need to worry about her stabbing me in the back. Being with someone like her is enough to justify the term "entrustment."

"Of course I'm referring to the creative aspect." But in order to avoid any ambiguity, I'd better explain it to her.

"Well, I know—I'm just repeating what you said." I wasn't sure what the point of repeating something else was, but since she'd said it, I couldn't stop her rudely, so I let her do what she wanted. What she was going to say next was very important, and I wanted to know her answer.

If it's her, she might give me an answer worth considering...

"Actually, I'm beginning to feel like I'm not myself anymore." These words felt quite awkward even for me to say, let alone Xiaoye who was in a daze beside me.

"Eh? What, Sheji, are you talking in a riddle?"

"Of course not." This reaction was too adorable. "If it's a riddle, it's probably a question posed by fate. Anyway, I used to always say things like 'trouble, trouble'. Think about it carefully, isn't that the case?"

"...Of course, isn't it because you find it troublesome that you rarely come to discuss the plot with me, and the submission deadlines are always delayed?" It seems that I went a little too far in the past. Every time I mention this, she will be upset...but this is also cute.

"But I haven't been like that lately. I've started to feel like everything just doesn't matter anymore... I just do whatever I'm told to do, and I don't have any other thoughts. Has the strong feelings I used to have about many things just worn away? Even if I want to be angry, sad, or miserable, I can't find any reason to be."

"...I, I don't quite understand."

"So, does this mean I've grown up? When I abandon those feelings that make me look immature, have I become mature? Although you may have an answer, and although you will come to the conclusion that this is what I should or shouldn't do, I don't care. Whether you agree or not, I will continue like this... because in my opinion, your opinion is irrelevant..."

"That's definitely not the case. You're lying to me." This was the first time she interrupted me. Usually, she would listen to me quietly before speaking—and sure enough, I wasn't wrong.

“…” She could indeed give me the answer.

"If you really don't care about anything, why not just say nothing and do nothing? Why do you have to tell me about your feelings and changes to someone who, in your opinion, shouldn't care?"

"..." Was she angry? Or was she genuinely worried about me? But what was there about me that made her worry or angry? I didn't understand.

"You must be caring about something, you must be concerned about something, but deep down you're rejecting it, wishing you could forget about it, making yourself feel like it doesn't matter at all. That's why you feel like you've changed... But it's definitely not someone else who's changed you, it's you!"

. . . . . . . . .

"From now on, I might be a little different."

Nearly half a year ago, during a company party, Xiaoye was stopped by Sheji, who seemed to be lost in thought, and he talked to her. Sheji hoped that Xiaoye could enlighten him when he encountered any problems.

"So...what should I do?"

Xiaoye had no idea what was going on. But she didn't doubt Sheji's words, which sounded like something out of a chuunibyou episode. She was willing to believe him, because she knew he wouldn't say such things for no reason. And his tone didn't sound like he was joking.

"Everything started because of me... but I'm not entirely sure why. It's not an illusion; I always feel like my personality is constantly changing. When I say something like I'm aware of a change, it means I'm avoiding something. If I were to reveal this to you, you would just let me face myself at that moment and find the truth I was avoiding."

She had been waiting since then. Although she didn't really hope that such a day would ever come, she still hoped that she could see his normal side more often.

To him, most of her was a lie. She was hiding things about herself, and a little about him. But she was also wavering about whether to tell him the truth.

"Is it myself who has changed me?" No, it's more than that. But the answer seemed to be approaching. But then a sudden wave of dizziness washed over me.

"Sheji, are you okay?" Seeing that I was about to lose my balance, Xiaoye immediately came forward to support me. "How are you? Are you feeling unwell?"

"...No, I just remembered something." Although the matter that troubled me has not been solved yet, I suddenly noticed something amiss regarding Xiaoye. "Rather than this, are you still leaving this afternoon?"

"Eh? Um... well." She seemed to have noticed it, but still chose not to lie to me. "Because I have a meeting to attend... company matters... or something like that."

"...I won't be angry. Tell me who you are." I sighed helplessly and put my hand on her head and rubbed it twice. "You are still a student...I am right, right?"

"..."

Looking at each other but speechless

Anyone who can think normally will inevitably have doubts they can't easily answer. If you don't recognize this as a problem, it means you haven't yet learned to think independently. From a public perspective, however, individuals who pursue originality or automatically break away from the crowd struggle to survive—thus, simply following the crowd is a very energy-saving and error-prone approach. Even if you make a mistake, you're still in the group, making it a safe bet.

But that's only theoretical. In reality, many people aren't sure which mainstream to follow. Perhaps because those who stand out often achieve success, those who break away from the crowd aren't often shunned in these times; instead, they're often followed. Whether this phenomenon is good or bad isn't a matter of urgency; after all, humanity has evolved this way for thousands of years.

The so-called unfettered creation probably means not being bound by the rules of reality, not being bound by market demand and readers, not being bound by random self-indulgent ideas, and just writing whatever you want to write. This creative mentality may seem simple, but it is actually extremely difficult, because when you show it to others, it feels like reading a biography written by an ordinary person, which is bound to make people feel boring. But the meaning of a work is to realize its value through people's acceptance. The author's experience and efforts in the creation have no effect on the value of the work. Therefore, there is no need to talk about the creator's diligence in creation. After all, hard work cannot guarantee a person's success.

So, being an unfettered creator is quite difficult, but not impossible. I don't know why I set this goal, but it was my own decision after all... and now I don't really resent it at all. If I can, I'll pull myself together and make it happen.

Of course, that's after I uncover the truth about the last thing.

Chapter 6: Looking at each other but speechless

"Actually, you are not an adult... but a student." Seeing that she had no reaction to what I said just now, I asked her again, no, to be precise, I should explain. I have confirmed this from her wavering eyes and the surprised expression she showed just now.

She certainly doesn't hide her inner thoughts. A simpleton like that would be in big trouble if left unprotected in the seedy world of adults. But then again, she still has a close colleague... well, I'm a little confused.

"Um, what are you talking about? I don't really understand..." Even now she is still planning to hide it from me... And the way she hides it seems like she is playing dumb, with absolutely no technical skills at all.

"Actually, I've been doubting you from the beginning. About whether you are an adult." In that case, I'll just lay it on her until she tells the truth.

"Eh? No way. I think I did pretty good..." She was surprisingly satisfied with our first meeting. If I were her, I'd at least be a little more resolute in pushing for updates. Well, since she said that, it confirmed my suspicions.

"From the moment you knocked on my door and said you were my editor, and then you showed such a weak personality, I just couldn't believe you were an adult who had already experienced life." Although this statement might be a bit too much for her, "I didn't take it seriously. After all, if it was a special case and an internship, I could understand why the editor assigned to me would behave this way."

"What? Just barely understanding? You have no idea how much courage I mustered to find you! That's too much, absolutely too much!" She expressed strong dissatisfaction with my words. But wasn't the reason I said this because she hadn't revealed anything to me?

"..So, why don't you just tell me about you?" I don't have to tell you one by one what I think is strange, like a famous detective.

"Well..." Her expression was very conflicted. "I think it's better not to tell you about this."

"It can't be that serious, right? In my opinion, although you are not a working adult, the fact that you know people in that company and are responsible for many things... makes me think that you have some relationship with the senior management of that company." Wow, this kind of reasoning feels really refreshing.

"It's not that we're related... My mom is the editor-in-chief who's in charge of planning events and deciding which works are popular." She seemed to be fed up with my speculation and admitted it. "I'm a sophomore at the Second Experimental High School. I took some time off to come see you today. I'm so sorry for keeping this a secret from you all this time."

"It's okay, it's okay. Actually, I've already vaguely noticed it. I'm just very curious about why you are my editor." Putting my daughter in front of a teenager who is in adolescence, and this guy is a young girl with such a figure at such a young age, and gives people the feeling that he is so soft and cute that he has no fighting power. If he didn't meet a gentleman like me, the plot would definitely unfold differently.

"What? What's the matter? Can't I be your editor in this state?" She looked angry for some reason, and I didn't seem to say anything to provoke her... right?

"I didn't say I couldn't. Rather, I'm quite happy to have met you. If you hadn't persuaded me to keep writing, I probably wouldn't have continued." He paused for a moment. "Thinking carefully, this is probably the only thing I can truly say I've accomplished... Having your work recognized by others isn't something that can be achieved easily. If it weren't for you, I really wouldn't have been able to do it."