I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Fifth? I remember it was third..."

"Ranking is not important. What I mean is that the person who writes the script may not be suitable to act in it. There will always be someone who surpasses me."

"...Aren't you admitting that you have good acting skills?" he said helplessly.

"My acting is almost entirely based on real life...sometimes I even have to lie to myself. When my parents aren't home and I get hurt in a fight, while applying medicine and disinfecting the wound, I'll fool myself into thinking my dad is right there with me, encouraging me not to be afraid of the pain. If I think that way, the pain really doesn't go away."

"..."

"I sleep alone at night with no one to comfort me. I just soothe myself to sleep. No one tells me stories, so I pretend my dad is there to tell me stories... Maybe because of this, the stories I came up with early on always have the shadow of other people's stories. Because I can't write stories, I'm more like an adaptor of stories - so I always think of myself as a "poor imitator" in terms of creation."

"No... Isn't this good?"

"Did you listen to me? I told you it was earlier! A long time ago! Of course it has nothing to do with now." But when I heard the word "early" in the question, I seemed to think of something.

"Oh, sorry, sorry, I didn't hear it all." He seemed a little embarrassed and apologized quickly.

"It's okay, I forgive you for this." I said, imitating Brother Nan's method, putting the curled fingers to my mouth and blowing on them. It is said that it will hurt more if you flick them on the head.

"Then what are you doing?" He stared at my movements with curiosity.

"Ah, nothing much, just a return gift," I said, slowly moving closer to him, "to thank you for telling me to eat bananas and dates together."

"...you really tried..."

Before he could finish his words, I had already flicked his forehead.

"when--"

Accompanied by a crisp sound, I suddenly felt much more relaxed.

How do you really think of me?

"There are a lot of people in this world who are working hard... What can someone like me achieve in the future?"

I don't know when this question first arose in me. I still haven't found the answer, but I suddenly realized that I was on the verge of making a choice.

"What kind of person do you think I will become?"

"...Um."

Yao Qiong, who was shaking Xiao Hei, fell into deep thought after hearing my question.

Now, she could sleep peacefully at night. The nightmares that once plagued her were replaced by glorious, beautiful dreams. Although she had a desire to explore the past, she ultimately gave up because her memory was too hazy. She was also learning to use her phone and computer, and her studies were keeping pace. Overall... she was a fairly normal high school girl.

"I will become a not very happy person." This was her response to me.

"...Yeah."

I'm used to her always jumping around to answer questions. I just need to be more specific about what I want to ask.

"Yes. Because you don't look as carefree as before. If the old you had asked me this question, I would have answered that you are a happy person."

It seems that this answer is the result of careful consideration. Is it that I didn't understand what she meant?

"...I was happy before?"

"Yeah." She continued combing Hei's fur, completely ignoring his desperate struggles on her legs. "Although your expression always gives people a gloomy feeling, your actions and thoughts are always cheerful. People who are with you feel happy, so I think you are a happy person. And I think it is difficult to be a happy person."

"...So, I've changed?"

"Yeah. Of course." She put Xiao Hei on the ground. Xiao Hei then quickly disappeared into the flower bed. "But I don't hate you for this. After all, you are still someone I can talk to normally."

"...It's been so long, and you still haven't found anyone in the class you can talk to?"

"In fact, I had already talked to everyone within half a month of joining the class, and I didn't find anyone suitable to talk to that much. So finding people to talk to has nothing to do with the time spent in the class."

“…That’s right.”

She has seen a little more in this regard than I have.

"Can I ask a question?" She suddenly turned her gaze to me.

"Sure." I couldn't figure out what emotion was in her eyes. It looked like doubt, but also a hint of curiosity. "Just ask if you have anything."

"How did you become like this?"

"...Hmm?" I didn't seem to understand the question.

"So, what's causing your unhappiness?" she began, trying to explain the problem to me. It was a remarkable breakthrough.

"...A lot." But the most important thing is probably... "But I think the most important point is that I don't know what path I will take in the future."

In other words, I had no idea what I was going to become.

"...Just study hard and get into college."

"So what kind of university is right for me? I'm not interested in many things. Even if I can get excited, I'll give up as soon as I think it's too much trouble. I still won't be able to accomplish anything even if I go to university." At this point, I suddenly remembered something. "By the way, what are your interests? Have you decided on the university you want to apply to?"

"...I'm quite interested in pets and animals. So I want to study something related to veterinary medicine and become a veterinarian."

"...A veterinarian." I quickly searched my mind for information about this profession. "A veterinarian doesn't just treat cats and dogs...sometimes they even have to put their hands into a cow's rectum to take its temperature."

Not to mention women, even for men who look tough, putting their hands inside an animal's body is something that is difficult to accept. And for the sake of accurate measurement, gloves cannot be worn.

"Well, I haven't heard of that... but I think it doesn't matter. It's good to be able to save an animal's life and let them live longer."

"...but sometimes you have to euthanize animals." It's not that I'm trying to sabotage her, it's just the reality. I said this for her own consideration. "Do you think you can do it? You clearly love animals, and your job exists to rescue them, but there are still times when you have to end their lives yourself."

"...Since it's something we have to do, we'll just have to do it." She smiled at me and said, "It's because you think too much like this that you become unhappy."

“…”

"Did you consider a lot of things when you decided to help me? I don't think so. That's why I want to be like you back then, doing what I want to do first, and then slowly overcoming the difficulties later. Doing this will give you a sense of accomplishment, and it's easy to be happy with even the smallest gains and progress."

"..."

So I was this kind of person before?

"Yeah..."

Before I knew it, I was no longer myself again? When exactly did it happen...

"It's time for class, let's go back quickly." After hearing the bell, she turned around and left without giving me a chance to react.

"Wait a minute, how on earth should I..."

How can I change back?

After leaving such a question in my mind, she actually ran away without giving me an answer. It seems that I still have to find the answer myself?

Chapter 3: How do you see me?

"Izumi, what kind of person do you think I am?"

During study hall, Rinquanchuan didn't seem to be studying seriously, so I decided to have a conversation with her. Her grades were always good, so taking up a little of her time wouldn't affect her at all. And since I'm already at this point, no matter how much I use my time, it wouldn't make much difference. So, it's best to clear up the confusion I have.

"..."

After hearing my question, she just turned her head to look at me, then turned her gaze back to the book.

Doesn't this look like you're not going to answer?

"Don't you realize that you made a serious mistake when you asked this question?" However, she just didn't look at me and the conversation continued.

"...Do you mean I wasn't intimate enough when I called your name?" But I thought my tone was already very friendly.

"No... I mean, this question actually has a big premise. Because you are not human at all, I can't measure you by human standards. Do you understand?"

"Don't be so cold...Izumikawa."

"Um...don't call me that." Her face looked increasingly red. Perhaps she couldn't stand me calling her name like that...but I actually thought it was quite easy to say.

"But I already promised you that I'll call you Quanchuan from now on..."

"Why are you so obedient at this time..." She sighed slightly, "And why did you ask this question out of the blue?"

"Oh, that's right... Don't you think I've changed?"

"...become even more perverted?"

"Of course not. I heard others say that I was happier before, but now I look worried and I don't have that feeling at all. What do you think?"

"...happy...?" She frowned and thought for a moment. "Isn't there a saying that goes, 'Mentally retarded children are happier'? The reason you're unhappy might be because your IQ has increased a bit. You should be happy."

"I'm serious... Please stop being sarcastic." I didn't mind, but now was clearly not the right time. "I think I'm different now than before."

“…Yes, yes…”

"For example?" I suddenly became excited. "Not to mention changes in appearance, just in personality."

"...You don't need me to waste my breath on your appearance," she said disdainfully. "Well, if I had to say there's been a big change... maybe it's... not so... impulsive, or something like that."

"Impulsive? Is there anything impulsive about me?" After saying this, I began to have new doubts.

Then I figured out the reason.

"You mean the time when I carried you up the mountain..."

"Shh! Shut up. You already know the answer, so why say it out loud, idiot?" She turned around very quickly and covered my mouth with her hand, which was rare.

"..."

"Don't mention it to me again, got it?" She tried to threaten me with a fierce look. However, from my perspective, it was just a rare cute expression on her face.

After a nod, she finally took her hand off my mouth.

...Actually, that was a decision I made after careful consideration. But I'd better not tell her.

The goal is to quickly improve my relationship with Rinquanchuan. Although there's a certain risk of failure... So, it seems I was a bit impulsive. At least now, if I meet someone with Rinquanchuan's personality, I'll definitely improve my relationship gradually instead of creating the conditions myself.

But this doesn't seem to be the reason why I become unhappy.

"Are there any other changes?"

"...How much more do you want?"

"...I think you've changed a lot. Not to mention that you used to always say things like 'Aiya' and 'Oh!', but now you don't hear them anymore." I couldn't help but sigh. "I think it's quite cute."

"Oh?"

"That's right, that's the tone. It's super cute and very unique." I couldn't help but put my hands up. "If there's no special reason, change it back."

“..Goo…Hmm.”

"Huh?" She looked angry.

"Tell me this kind of thing sooner!"

As if not caring at all that it was class time, she shouted and smashed the book on my head.

Ah, I think there was one more sentence added at the end.

"Oh...Oh yeah!"

. . . . . . . . . . .

"...I didn't expect that the first thing you did after you recovered was to flirt with female classmates during class. It really opened my eyes - Yi, She, Ji, Tong, Xue."

Every time she paused, I felt the corner of the folder hitting my head. Only after she finished speaking did Nan, who was sitting at the desk, put away the folder in his hand. It felt lighter than when she tapped it with her fingers.

"But the reality is, I didn't tease anyone."

"Oh, so you're studying hard?"

“There’s nothing like this either…”

"Since you're not studying in the classroom, you must be doing something bad. Tell me the truth, why did Rinquanchuan beat you like that?"

"...Maybe I'm the one who made her go back to her old habits. She's not really willing to change back."

"Oh, then that's your fault. It's none of your business what other people's verbal habits are, right? They changed it and you asked them to change it back. You deserve to be beaten." After saying that, he nodded to himself.

"..."

"But if you chat during class and affect your neighbor's studies, you'll still be guilty of an even greater crime."

"But I just chatted in class, so how can that be an added crime?"

"Didn't you tease Rinquanchuan?"

"That's not a nice word. And I've already said I didn't do anything to her. I just talked about a topic she didn't like. If there's any crime, there's only one charge."

"...Okay. I'll trust you for now." She sighed, "But, is there anything we can't discuss after class? If the dean saw Rinquanchuan hitting you, you wouldn't be the only one called in for a talk."