I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"...You're welcome."

It wasn't a polite gesture, but rather a reluctance to acknowledge the thanks. I hadn't done anything to benefit her, so naturally I didn't want to accept it.

“You must come…”

"I know, I know."

Responding impatiently, I strode off the rooftop.

..............

If you receive a love letter in a pink envelope with a beautiful handwriting during your miserable high school life, and the letter says you want to meet me on the rooftop after school, then your whole day will be meaninglessly spent waiting for that time after school.

But my life is just like a textbook, so I don’t have any experiences like those in novels.

But if I have to say it, the feeling of ignoring the teacher's lecture content, having no memory of eating, and not knowing what I did in the day should be similar to the experience today.

Humans are truly amazing creatures, as they can waste most of the day just for one thing.

"but..."

Looking at the luminous celestial body gradually falling in the sky, I pondered silently.

"Do you want to wait until the club is over?"

I can't recall how I got through today.

All I know is that after the bell rang, I was the first to pick up my already packed schoolbag and leave the classroom, opened the door to the rooftop that no one was allowed to enter at will, and began the long wait.

Totally, I don't know how long it took.

As I watched the people leaving the school gate change from a swarm of ants to solitary geese, the feeling that could still be called anticipation eventually disappeared.

Maybe that kind of feeling shouldn't exist.

I don’t really like heights.

"...Will it happen again?"

Even with the protection of the guardrail, I couldn't help but imagine myself climbing over it and then jumping off. Although I cherish my life very much, I still couldn't help but imagine this, and even tried this action more than once in my dreams, and then suddenly woke up.

And all this is not without reason.

“…”

What should I say? I still can't understand my own feelings. I only know how to escape, so perhaps I can't know the answer at all.

"Sorry, have you been waiting for me long?"

The long-awaited voice finally appeared.

But what's with this date-like line?

"I don't know, but at least I'm pretty happy just sitting here." Without turning around, I stared at the distant buildings reflecting the sunlight. "Well, maybe it can't be called happy or unhappy."

Few things in the past could make me happy, and yet my daze was almost always caused by these things.

"...about yesterday's conversation..."

"Ah, that? I already said no. He won't come back." I responded impatiently.

"That's not the case..."

"Oh... then I won't apologize either. There's nothing wrong with what I did."

"...Of course not this."

"Yeah..."

That's strange, I thought those were the only things he could bring up.

"Actually, I lied yesterday."

"...Oh?" I hadn't noticed that. "Is that all?"

"...Well, I guess so. I just find it hard to decide whether or not I should tell you..."

"...If you don't want to talk about it, forget it. I won't force you to do anything." So it's just this kind of boring thing... In that case, it would be better to go home early or show up at the club. "If there's nothing else to do besides this, I'll leave first."

I turned around, my eyes glancing at her face, then back to the entrance to the rooftop. But I didn't take a step forward... perhaps because I was worried she'd grab me like she did yesterday.

"Actually, I've seen you before."

"...What do you mean? That guy again?"

For a moment I was a little confused about what she was talking about.

"No, no... Well, it seems like there's something wrong with how I worded it..." She suddenly became nervous, her cheeks flushing red. "So... when you asked me if I knew you from before... I actually lied. Because I wasn't sure, I was confused for a while, and then I got stuck in a dilemma."

"......"

"But now I feel... there's nothing to hesitate about. After all, the country I was familiar with... seems to be gone. So after thinking about it all night, I feel that I should at least tell you the truth."

She said with an extremely serious look in her eyes.

"So, actually, I've seen you before."

"...When did this happen..."

Seeing her sure look, I had no choice but to search through my previous memories again, but there was no content about meeting her earlier than that.

"Big... probably in elementary school... well, I can't remember the details."

"Um...are you kidding me?"

I have no impression of her at all, I can be sure of that. Meeting a girl like this only happened at the beginning of the school year.

"No... Seriously. It seems you really can't remember." He felt a little lonely. "You already don't remember what your favorite zodiac sign is?"

"...constellation?"

I don't seem to like topics like divination.

"...As expected, I can't remember why I ran to the park so late at night. Is that why?"

"..."

What on earth is she talking about.

"But I still remember... the star I want to find in the night sky."

Wait, I think... I remember.

"Remember the name of the person you admired?"

"I remember you proudly saying you wanted to be a hero."

"Remember... the way you looked when you didn't want to be a hero anymore."

"..."

But what is going on?

"It's like I'm denying my former self, seemingly indifferently throwing away the thing I once valued most."

Why did she know something that no one should have known in my memory?

"Is that really no longer important? At the time, I really wanted to know the answer from him. But seeing that he was still living a good life after giving up all that, I naturally didn't ask."

"......"

"But now...if I don't ask clearly, there will be no chance." As she said this, she stretched out her hands that had been behind her back.

In my hands, I hold something that is very familiar to me.

"You really don't need this anymore?"

I fought so hard to get this mask. Every time I watched a DVD, I'd put it on and imitate the moves, thinking I'd become a hero like him...

This mask once carried my dream, a clumsy heroic dream.

"...I..."

Is it really no longer needed?

"Hey, I'm right, right?"

Following the sound, the childish figure that should have disappeared appeared beside me at some point.

The eyes that had not yet extinguished something looked at me with confidence.

"You won't completely forget it."

"...ah."

I kept complaining about all the troubles I had. I seemed to have forgotten that I was actually quite a troublesome person myself.

棘触

"I want to help everyone in need. As long as I can see it, I will never stand idly by... Even though I say I've given up, I still can't forget it."

He raised his hands in front of his eyes. The hands he saw were still covered in spikes.

"However, I have no way to help them. Not only humans, but also other lives that need help. I still can't protect or save anything."

So, even if you want to be a hero or a savior, in such a world, mortals are still mortals after all.

"...What happened?"

She asked cautiously.

"Of course. Nothing happens without a reason."

“…”

"Will you listen to my story?"

This may be the last time I tell others my story.

Chapter 25: Thorns

As usual, the biting cold wind blew his hair, and he buried his mouth slightly in the scarf wrapped around his neck. With his eyes lowered, he asked a question that sounded like a request.

"Will you listen to my story?"

He confirmed again, as if he was afraid I would refuse.

It was at this moment that I suddenly realized that he was not someone who needed to be alienated.

"I will listen carefully."

"Very good..."

He cast his gaze towards the mask in my hand and smiled a rare smile. I say rare because it was a smile that didn't strike me as strange at all.

"So, where should I start..."

. . . . . . . . .

"These hands were once stained with blood. No matter how hard I tried to wash them as a child, I couldn't get rid of the sticky feeling and the faint, unpleasant smell."

“…”

"I couldn't save that life. Even though it was just a weak sparrow, I still couldn't take it away from those naughty children and let it go because I was only in elementary school at the time. I could only desperately snatch it away, hold it in my palm, and feel its struggle..."

"It doesn't want to die yet. I know that... but it can't fly anymore, so even if I throw it up, it'll still be caught again, and then killed by those who have no respect for life. It's strange to say this... but I always feel that even animals have dignity."

"So, I felt that rather than being toyed with and tortured to death without dignity... it would be better for me to decisively end its life myself."

“…”

"Then, the hand holding it... became tighter and tighter."

Having said that, he stopped and looked at his hands with a dull look in his eyes.

I can understand, because that kind of situation is not something that can be clearly described in words. Just imagining it is difficult enough. Besides... it was just at that age.

But how should I put it...I feel like he looks quite pitiful like this.

"I originally thought that I would never see such a tragic scene again in my lifetime, but I was wrong."

"How far will it go? I used to think that relationships between people were simple. Those who treated others sincerely wouldn't be disliked, and those who treated others awfully definitely wouldn't be disliked... But I was wrong."

"Why is simply showing kindness to others called 'hypocrisy'? I don't understand why, if I don't want to do that myself, I shouldn't allow others to do it. People who clearly have done nothing wrong and are not causing harm to anyone are being ostracized."